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Original poster

Regarding "absent" mothers (in this day and age) - especially re. Child Support

199 replies

LoveMyPiano · 05/12/2021 11:46

Still with questions about how things went for my sister (posted previously about the divorce). Her husband had an affair, firstly with my sister's best/only friend (also mother to their daughter's best friend - "conveniently"). This started the first breakdown of the marriage, which was - truth be told - not so great in the first place.

The affair ended and they reconciled, but then another affair started - which my sister was aware of but stayed quiet about, trying to keep family together (issues, like me, with insecurity and abandonment). When after a year, it was brought out into the open, he took their daughter to live with him and his mother (daughter was given a "choice" - she was 11-12 at the time) and my sister had a nervous breakdown, a couple of suicide attempts and retreated almost entirely from society, onto benefits etc. He reclaimed the family home and she moved into a rented house and continued he downward spiral. She saw her daughter, on the terms dictated by her husband, and he divorced her without any financial or custody matters being resolved (this happened after a couple of years - as per the other post I made, with no responses...).

The husband came after her for the Child Benefit less than one week after he took thir daughter - when it was not even clear that the arrangement was anything like agreed or permanent, so it should have been no surprise that when she finally found a job, he came after her for Child Support. He at that time was working in a nicely paid job, the mortgage was low, and a low payment, and his mother (retired) made life a lot eaier for him and daughter, who, as the rleationship with the "OW" progressed, became less happy living with him. He blatantly told my sister that the child support would be paying the OW's mortgage, so she made the payment direct to her daughter's bank account. But, this was short-ish term, as her mental health was still not great and she ended up out of work again and unable to pay, which is how things continued.

I am not really sure about my own thoughts on this, but certainly wish I had known - but she kept everything from her "family" (of origin) and fought this awful battle alone.

I am sure the term "absent mother" might be inflammatory in a lot of ways, but really am looking for input regarding this issue, as I do think that she had a bad time of it, but it may be something that is seen 100% black and white (i.e. absent fathers should pay etc etc).

Any and all thoughts and input would be helpful (she is not on MN).

OP posts:
Original poster
LoveMyPiano · 05/12/2021 16:54

@Coop80

I bet it would. Better if you make your judgements based on what is being revealed, without the chance to make it worse.

With all due respect no its actually better to base a judgement on the whole story not what a person chooses to reveal as it's pretty rare people are honest about what they may have done wrong

I am referring to the request for even more background information regarding my sister's background, and my own. It may be/is no doubt relevant, but it is a whole new (long - "boring") thread, or would dilute the point of this one. And God knows HOW many would feel the need to "remind" me that it is History and so Doesn't Matter.... 🙄😕
OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 05/12/2021 16:54

Did you, and the rest of your family, cut your neice off ad well as your sister?

Are you raking over events from years ago because you feel guilty about your own actions?

Original poster
LoveMyPiano · 05/12/2021 16:57

@Dishwashersaurous

Did you, and the rest of your family, cut your neice off ad well as your sister?

Are you raking over events from years ago because you feel guilty about your own actions?

No-one cut her off. But seriously, have you never revisited something, or found our a fuller story years after the event? If not, lucky you. We are all different.
OP posts:
Original poster
LoveMyPiano · 05/12/2021 16:59

@Coop80

I bet it would. Better if you make your judgements based on what is being revealed, without the chance to make it worse.

With all due respect no its actually better to base a judgement on the whole story not what a person chooses to reveal as it's pretty rare people are honest about what they may have done wrong

Note my use of "your judgements". People will be people 😶
OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 05/12/2021 17:01

What are you hoping to achieve from this thread?

Dishwashersaurous · 05/12/2021 17:02

And great that you were able to support your niece through all of this

gogohm · 05/12/2021 17:05

She either needs to have 50/50 custody or pay child support just like if it was reversed.

liveforsummer · 05/12/2021 17:09

Non resident parents are expected to pay CM even if it's just a couple of £ pw regardless of the circumstances. The fact is the NRP are usually male so we are less familiar with women paying child maintenance. Doesn't mean they shouldn't have to though.

liveforsummer · 05/12/2021 17:10

Also it's entirely up to the resistant parent to decide what to down it on. It isn't to be paid directly to the child. I assume the child has what she needs from the father a wage

Original poster
LoveMyPiano · 05/12/2021 17:20

@Dishwashersaurous

What are you hoping to achieve from this thread?
Some other viewpoints of course. Isn't that the usual reason? I am surprised by the vehemence though, and am relieved that my sister would not have posted. If nothing else, a very intetesting thought exercise, about this topic and wider aspects as well. And what was the point of your question? 😊
OP posts:
Original poster
LoveMyPiano · 05/12/2021 17:22

@Dishwashersaurous

And great that you were able to support your niece through all of this
You missed this.... /s

It was made impossible, and would also have been outright disregarding our own estrangement.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoveMyPiano · 05/12/2021 17:32

@liveforsummer

Also it's entirely up to the resistant parent to decide what to down it on. It isn't to be paid directly to the child. I assume the child has what she needs from the father a wage
It was actually used to continue having her pony, rather than her father's planned purpose. No more losses at that time, even though pony was soon outgrown (hand not replaced). I am sure that his wage covered everything and more, but he was threatening to stop paying the pony costs, which were low anyway.
OP posts:
Joban · 05/12/2021 17:33

You don’t like the other viewpoints though, and clearly don’t want to hear them or appear to have much insight.

You have asked for judgements of the situation and then complained when the judgement has not come in your sisters favour.

You want to hear what a nasty man exH was and of course your sister is a wronged woman, a victim, and bears no responsibility for her own action or inaction.

That’s not true though- you essentially say she opted out of being a mother. Whilst that may have been understandable in the context of her poor mental state, that doesn’t help her poor daughter.

It sounds like living in the home she grew up in with a loving granny for her teenage years was the best outcome that could have been hoped for.

If all you’ve said is true then both her parents failed her miserably.

If your family want to move forward then this needs putting to bed.

I imagine your daughter will never have a good relationship with her mother unless she takes responsibility for herself, and her own fallibility.

She needs to stop dragging the rest of the family into the events of a decade ago.

JustLyra · 05/12/2021 17:34

The paying the mortgage was a goady comment designed to wind your sister up - and it worked.

She was completely in the wrong to send the maintenance to the child. The child wasn't old enough to contribute to the cost of housing, bills, food, insurances etc.

If he earned £2000 a month, Child Benefit of £90 ish a month and maintenance of £150 a month it doesn't actually matter when he paid the girlfriend's mortgage - the pot of money left was still the same.

In a similar way I 'used' my ex's maintenance to pay into my savings every month. It just made more sense to have that go in there directly than me pay into savings, then transfer his maintenance into the bills account. It's not remotely the same as not using the amount of money for the benefit of the child.

It was a goady trap and she fell into it and made herself the bad guy.

Dishwashersaurous · 05/12/2021 17:38

You said in response to a direct question that you didn't cut your niece off?

Dishwashersaurous · 05/12/2021 17:39

I asked what you are hoping to achieve because you are not listening to anyone or seem willing to accept facts. Eg non resident parent must pay child support

liveforsummer · 05/12/2021 17:42

It was actually used to continue having her pony, rather than her father's planned purpose. No more losses at that time, even though pony was soon outgrown (hand not replaced).
I am sure that his wage covered everything and more, but he was threatening to stop paying the pony costs, which were low anyway.

Ponies cost a fortune, even if you have your own land and a low maintenance one. The costs are never going to be low. Most kids can't have a pony. The father allowed her to use it for that though which is fine. Doesn't change the fact that he paid for DD's day to day living costs and the roof over her head. Her mother paid a contribution which he allowed her to use towards the pony rather than insisting she give it to him which would be the norm. As another poster said it all goes in the same pot it's irrelevant what bit of money goes where after that

Joban · 05/12/2021 17:47

Having a look at your posting history it sounds like both you and your sister had adverse events in childhood that have then developed into mental health problems as adults.
I’m not saying exH has covered himself in glory but it does not sound like your sisters mental health or relationships were good prior to the separation either.

I think your sister should seek some therapy if she can…

WonderfulYou · 05/12/2021 18:04

She was very afraid of turning into our mother, and felt that in the end
"not being a mother" was best for her daughter

So she chose not to be involved. She decided it was best for her not to be a mother in the physical sense.
And of course she’s still need to pay maintenance even if she decided to not be involved.

I’m confused what part you find unfair.
In one post you imply it wasn’t her choice to not be part of her DDs life and in another you say it was her decision.

You could speak to your sister and her ex to find out what happened but chances are they’ll both give their own versions of events. So I would just accept the fact that actually your sister was probably in the wrong and wanted to escape motherhood but told the story to make her the victim (like many estranged fathers do).

Original poster
LoveMyPiano · 05/12/2021 18:06

@Dishwashersaurous

You said in response to a direct question that you didn't cut your niece off?
I didn't. But am sure that, by your definition, I did. I was not in my sister's life for the bigger part if it, at her insistence. That is not cutting someone off.
OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 05/12/2021 18:10

@LoveMyPiano has she forgiven you?

Dishwashersaurous · 05/12/2021 18:16

This question was about your niece and whether you were in contact.

Your response implied that you were
Did you, and the rest of your family, cut your neice off ad well as your sister?

Are you raking over events from years ago because you feel guilty about your own actions?

No-one cut her off.
But seriously, have you never revisited something, or found our a fuller story years after the event? If not, lucky you.
We are all different

icedcoffees · 05/12/2021 18:25

She was very afraid of turning into our mother, and felt that in the end
"not being a mother" was best for her daughter... And would have to suffer the consequences/judgement.

So she opted out completely and didn't even think she should pay child support on top of that?

Her ex did 100% the right thing by taking custody of their daughter. Poor mite.

icedcoffees · 05/12/2021 18:25

She was very afraid of turning into our mother, and felt that in the end "not being a mother" was best for her daughter... And would have to suffer the consequences/judgement.

So she opted out completely and didn't even think she should pay child support on top of that?

Her ex did 100% the right thing by taking custody of their daughter. Poor mite.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/12/2021 18:44

Blimey. What a saga.

I hope your niece is well and enjoying her studies. It seems her dad did an okay job.