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Original poster

Regarding "absent" mothers (in this day and age) - especially re. Child Support

199 replies

LoveMyPiano · 05/12/2021 11:46

Still with questions about how things went for my sister (posted previously about the divorce). Her husband had an affair, firstly with my sister's best/only friend (also mother to their daughter's best friend - "conveniently"). This started the first breakdown of the marriage, which was - truth be told - not so great in the first place.

The affair ended and they reconciled, but then another affair started - which my sister was aware of but stayed quiet about, trying to keep family together (issues, like me, with insecurity and abandonment). When after a year, it was brought out into the open, he took their daughter to live with him and his mother (daughter was given a "choice" - she was 11-12 at the time) and my sister had a nervous breakdown, a couple of suicide attempts and retreated almost entirely from society, onto benefits etc. He reclaimed the family home and she moved into a rented house and continued he downward spiral. She saw her daughter, on the terms dictated by her husband, and he divorced her without any financial or custody matters being resolved (this happened after a couple of years - as per the other post I made, with no responses...).

The husband came after her for the Child Benefit less than one week after he took thir daughter - when it was not even clear that the arrangement was anything like agreed or permanent, so it should have been no surprise that when she finally found a job, he came after her for Child Support. He at that time was working in a nicely paid job, the mortgage was low, and a low payment, and his mother (retired) made life a lot eaier for him and daughter, who, as the rleationship with the "OW" progressed, became less happy living with him. He blatantly told my sister that the child support would be paying the OW's mortgage, so she made the payment direct to her daughter's bank account. But, this was short-ish term, as her mental health was still not great and she ended up out of work again and unable to pay, which is how things continued.

I am not really sure about my own thoughts on this, but certainly wish I had known - but she kept everything from her "family" (of origin) and fought this awful battle alone.

I am sure the term "absent mother" might be inflammatory in a lot of ways, but really am looking for input regarding this issue, as I do think that she had a bad time of it, but it may be something that is seen 100% black and white (i.e. absent fathers should pay etc etc).

Any and all thoughts and input would be helpful (she is not on MN).

OP posts:
Alltheblue · 05/12/2021 14:54

The OP only has her sister's word for that and as a PP said, NRPs will often say things to justify why they don't live with their DC.

Well if we're making stuff up, I have a few things I could add...

Duxiejhrhrvjz · 05/12/2021 14:58

The thing is, thinking back to myself as an 11 year old, and what I suspect my two 12 year olds would say if my dad or their dad were to say that if they didn’t live with him they would never see him or any of his family again, I think I would still have chosen my mum, and I know my children would choose me too.

Pinkspecs · 05/12/2021 15:02

Pinkspecs

"She isn't "having me on", and from what I know, I do not believe her to be in the wrong.

She's not Myra Bloody Hyndley."

Well she is in the wrong.

For thinking he was 'coming after her' for child maintenance is wrong.
For not trying to be more involved in her daughtes life she was wrong.

He was trying to make your sister take on part of the responsibility of her child.
It amazes me how absent parents can turn anything.
I don't feel sorry for anyone having to pay child maintenance, it's part of your responsibility as a parent.
If you are pandering to her poor behaviour you are part of the problem.
I feel sorry for the adult child here, not your sister.

3ismylot · 05/12/2021 15:11

An absent mother is just as bad as an absent Father.
Your sister let her dc down in many ways, I suspect you are not in full receipt of the facts even now.

My DH was raised in very similar circumstances, his parents' marriage was bad, his Mum had a breakdown and his Dad ended the marriage, taking custody of DH. His Mum tells it that she fought hard for him etc but courts do not stop a good Mother from being a resident parent for no reason! DH and his Mum do have a relationship but it is not close at all and now she is getting older she is starting to expect more help and eventually care from DH which will not be forthcoming, you get back what you give!

ANY parent should be supporting their child whether resident or not and she was playing games paying child support into the child's account.
Sounds like she is incapable of taking any kind of responsibility in life

Original poster
LoveMyPiano · 05/12/2021 15:12

@Alltheblue

The OP only has her sister's word for that and as a PP said, NRPs will often say things to justify why they don't live with their DC.

Well if we're making stuff up, I have a few things I could add...

Go ahead 😊
OP posts:
Original poster
LoveMyPiano · 05/12/2021 15:14

The Courts did not make the decision, as I have said. Her mental health was the same as anyone else's before the long drawn out end of the marriage, and everything connected with it.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 05/12/2021 15:25

@LoveMyPiano

The Courts did not make the decision, as I have said. Her mental health was the same as anyone else's before the long drawn out end of the marriage, and everything connected with it.
So when did you lose contact with her?
3ismylot · 05/12/2021 15:26

@LoveMyPiano

The Courts did not make the decision, as I have said. Her mental health was the same as anyone else's before the long drawn out end of the marriage, and everything connected with it.
But she did nothing to change it! Rather than fight for her child and prove she was the best and safest place for the child she proved the exact opposite! She played the victim instead of thinking of her child! Marriages break down every day and a lot of them through affairs but most Mother's put their children first instead of thinking about themselves and scarring their children further!!
icedcoffees · 05/12/2021 15:28

@LoveMyPiano

The Courts did not make the decision, as I have said. Her mental health was the same as anyone else's before the long drawn out end of the marriage, and everything connected with it.
Why do you keep saying this?

You've said this about ten times already. The answers you're getting aren't going to change because you've repeated it again.

Fendibby · 05/12/2021 15:31

There are three sides to every story OP. Your sisters, her ex and the truth.

Maybe he did tell her he was going to pay the OW mortgage with the CSA but so what? He can chose to spend CSA on what he wants. £150 pm is really not much when he is feeding/housing and clothing their child. I think it was really manipulative to send it to the DD in this situation, especially if she was 12. A 12 year old shouldn’t be having the responsibility of £150 a month and really it just goes to show that your sister wasn’t fit to be a Mother at this time because anyone would know that.

It sounds like her DD was in the best place. I say this as a child who’s Dad had an affair and after he left my Mum made a suicide attempt too. I no longer wanted to be there because she was no longer fit to look after me or my siblings. I also felt and still feel it was very manipulative of her because she wanted to completely rewrite the narrative and she only did it to cause as much hurt to my Dad as possible. It actually made her go from being the victim to the villain. That broke my relationship with my Mum and whilst we have tried to make amends over the years our relationship will never be what it was.

Maybe what your sister is saying is true but she’s certainly not coming out well in this situation.

Fendibby · 05/12/2021 15:35

I should also say I am of the opinion that it doesn’t matter how hard a woman makes it for a man to see how child, if he doesn’t fight for it and he doesn’t pay for his child then he is a deadbeat Dad. I don’t see any difference when the roles are reversed and it’s a woman who’s the deadbeat.

I’ve heard all kinds of sob stories from men when in reality they just couldn’t be arsed.

Happy1982ish · 05/12/2021 15:36

It would be interesting to know why you and your family were estranged from your sister throughout these years…

HighlandPony · 05/12/2021 15:41

If she’s on benefits then amount she will pay would be unlikely to cover a mortgage. But honestly once the money goes to him he can spend it how he likes. I’m not going to get into your sisters mental health issues mostly because I’ve never been like that. I’m a hard nosed cow so I can’t even begin to understand it but she needs a lawyer. If she’s low income she may get legal aid. She needs to look into it and getting both access and financial affairs in order. Her mental health isn’t going to improve the longer she lets this continue.

3ismylot · 05/12/2021 15:42

@Fendibby

I should also say I am of the opinion that it doesn’t matter how hard a woman makes it for a man to see how child, if he doesn’t fight for it and he doesn’t pay for his child then he is a deadbeat Dad. I don’t see any difference when the roles are reversed and it’s a woman who’s the deadbeat.

I’ve heard all kinds of sob stories from men when in reality they just couldn’t be arsed.

Spot on

DH's Mum talks about how hard she fought but when you consider this was 30 odd years ago when it was very unusual for Father's to win custody then the courts must have seen something wrong in her! When she talks about it now it is all about her hurt and how it affected her, she hasn't got a clue how much it damaged DH and how it still affects him to this day but one thing I am 100% sure of is the fact he would go to hell and back for his children.

My Sister's partner has spent years and tens of thousands making sure he is in his children's lives regularly and has taken on my Sister's daughter as his own as her father walked away.
If a parent wants to be in their children's lives they will make it happen

Happy1982ish · 05/12/2021 15:45

@LoveMyPiano

The Courts did not make the decision, as I have said. Her mental health was the same as anyone else's before the long drawn out end of the marriage, and everything connected with it.
The mother had multiple suicide attempts and retreated from society

Thank goodness her father took control

Happy1982ish · 05/12/2021 15:46

Finding out her husband is having an affair is dreadful

But her response failed her daughter

icedcoffees · 05/12/2021 15:50

I’ve heard all kinds of sob stories from men when in reality they just couldn’t be arsed.

Exactly.

Deadbeat parents lie.

MrsBobDylan · 05/12/2021 16:14

You admit that your sister didn't involve you at the time, which means that you only know a secondhand account of events.

Your sister's MH was very fragile and it's possible that even she isn't clear of the order of events and the details of the divorce.

She has been treated very badly but I think the focus should be on helping her to move on.

Original poster
LoveMyPiano · 05/12/2021 16:28

@Happy1982ish

It would be interesting to know why you and your family were estranged from your sister throughout these years…
I bet it would. Better if you make your judgements based on what is being revealed, without the chance to make it worse. She was very afraid of turning into our mother, and felt that in the end "not being a mother" was best for her daughter... And would have to suffer the consequences/judgement.

And yes, no-one ever "stops being a mother", but sooner or later, it becomes the choice of the child.

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 05/12/2021 16:33

So your sister decided not to parent, and decided not to pay child support.

She could have gone through the courts for custody and chose not to.

If she wants to have any relationship with her daughter going forward she needs to take responsible for her actions. She can explain about her mental health but ultimately she needs to own her previous choices.

Then going forward has to try and rebuild the relationship

Pumperthepumper · 05/12/2021 16:36

@LoveMyPiano then she has to pay CM. And that’s the end of it.

Beachgirl33 · 05/12/2021 16:38

What are you getting from this OP? When people are suggesting that maybe your sister’s MH was poor and that this is why she let her daughter go stay with her dad, that it affected her decision making. You fiercely deny this. Since then she may have regrets about that decision. All of this would be understandable yet you say no MH issues all brought on by husbands behaviour and loss of her daughter. That seems a bit extreme as if her MH was good why did she agree to this. Not fighting for her daughter, her share of the family finances etc. None of it really adds up but I guess the biggest issue is why you’re raking over all this years later. What will it achieve? You disagree with everyone who doesn’t see it exactly the way you see it. Quite bizarre.

Happy1982ish · 05/12/2021 16:38

And yes, no-one ever "stops being a mother", but sooner or later, it becomes the choice of the child.

Exactly
This child saw her mother had utterly fallen apart and was incapable of parenting in an any fashion
So she made a very sensible decision
I doubt she’d be at university now if she hadn’t made that decision

Pumperthepumper · 05/12/2021 16:40

@Beachgirl33

What are you getting from this OP? When people are suggesting that maybe your sister’s MH was poor and that this is why she let her daughter go stay with her dad, that it affected her decision making. You fiercely deny this. Since then she may have regrets about that decision. All of this would be understandable yet you say no MH issues all brought on by husbands behaviour and loss of her daughter. That seems a bit extreme as if her MH was good why did she agree to this. Not fighting for her daughter, her share of the family finances etc. None of it really adds up but I guess the biggest issue is why you’re raking over all this years later. What will it achieve? You disagree with everyone who doesn’t see it exactly the way you see it. Quite bizarre.
And also a reluctance to see how cutting their sister off might have made the outcome different.
Coop80 · 05/12/2021 16:45

I bet it would. Better if you make your judgements based on what is being revealed, without the chance to make it worse.

With all due respect no its actually better to base a judgement on the whole story not what a person chooses to reveal as it's pretty rare people are honest about what they may have done wrong

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