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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner goes to all events without me

266 replies

katyalexandra · 05/12/2021 06:41

Bit of background, we’ve been on and off for 6 years, 2 kids together and live together. He has a large group of friends but every single party/wedding etc he will go without me and he says I’m being unreasonable to want to go. Am I just being too clingy? I’ll add that all his friends partners go with them and a few of his friends are also single so it’s not like he’s the only one there without a partner (even though he has one he chooses not to take).

OP posts:

hugr · 05/12/2021 09:49

I think unless by "very young" @dreamdoll123 means under 10, it really is very unusual for your DP not to bring you along to large events, that you want to go to where others partners are also going.

It's the norm to mingle friendship groups, especially when young.

Dozer · 05/12/2021 09:50

YABU for still being in this relationship!

Lovemusic33 · 05/12/2021 09:51

He sounds like a total cocklodger, he has a roof over his head, someone raising his kids and he goes off doing whatever he likes. He’s not committed to you and probably never will be, he’s just living his best life, probably sleeping around, his friends probably don’t know you exist. Before he gets home, pack all his things, leave them outside and get the locks changed. Don’t put up with this shit, your worth more.

Limer · 05/12/2021 09:52

You're not his partner.

Benjispruce5 · 05/12/2021 09:55

What do the invitations say? Are you not even being shown them? I would not be happy either.

Allthesefolks · 05/12/2021 10:04

This is not a partnership, please stop letting him treat you like this. On/off relationships are for teenagers not for people with kids, put yourself first.

2pinkginsplease · 05/12/2021 10:11

You’ve been on and off for 6 years even although you have children and he doesn’t take you to any parties, weddings etc.

This is NOT a relationship.

Dh and I socialise separately at times however events like birthday parties, weddings and anything family related we go together.

Are you invited to these things and he just doesn’t tell you?

Darkpheonix · 05/12/2021 10:12

Your last thread said you aren't together and didn't live together. that was August.

You appear to friends with benefits who have had kids.

Assuming since August your have 'put a label on it' and now live together, I 3xpect that for 6 years things have worked this way. You aren't a couple and he does his own thing and he sees no reason to change. You need to speak to him of you want that to change.

If he does now live with you and he didn't let you know he was coming home, that's a dick move.

But him not taking you before is fine, because you were weren't a couple.

ChiefStockingStuffer · 05/12/2021 10:18

Stop chasing him; he clearly doesn't want to be with you. It's not ok that all his friends are happy to go out with and be seen with their spouses'partners but you're 'clingy' if you want to be included, too.

You deserve better, and so do your kids.

KerryWeaver · 05/12/2021 10:25

He considers himself to be single and does not view himself as in a committed relationship with you.

ScreamingBeans · 05/12/2021 10:30

He's not your partner.

You're his backup in case he doesn't find anyone else.

Sorry.

You deserve better than this.

GetTheFlockOutOfHere · 05/12/2021 10:37

@katyalexandra

Urgh! It sounds like he doesn't give a shit about you. What a nasty way to treat his life partner and the mother of his children. Bet he doesn't 'do' marriage either eh? And if you're 'buying a house' it's HIS name on the deeds! And I am also willing to bet that any money he earns is HIS money.

YANBU. Can't add any advice to what has already been given however. You have 2 kids now with him, so it's hard to just walk away.

Buildingthefuture · 05/12/2021 10:47

I’m all for socialising separately AS WELL as together. But It sounds like op has NEVER been to any events with this man? That wouldn’t work for me. As for the fact that he’s stayed out all night & not communicated with you? Off he can fuck, immediately!!! You need to firm up your boundaries op because it sounds very much like he’s taking the piss.

manandworld · 05/12/2021 10:49

he is a waste of space so out him and dont ever take him back

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 05/12/2021 10:51

Sounds to me like he sees you as an unpaid nanny, housekeeper, cook etc

Good enough to have sex with and bear his children but not good enough to go out with, or enjoy his free time with

DukkaTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 05/12/2021 11:00

I wouldn’t describe someone who’s been on and off for 6 years and they both have flings with other people as a ‘life partner’.

Original poster

katyalexandra · 05/12/2021 11:25

Oh my gosh didn’t expect all these replies. I know who his friends are and am actually ‘friends’ with some of their partners so I would know if he was entertaining someone else. No I wasn’t on the invitation it was for him only. Ahhh I don’t know what to do

OP posts:

twilightermummy · 05/12/2021 11:38

Is he still not back?

BridStar · 05/12/2021 11:39

My ex used to accept dinner party invitations and then go and sit there on his own with the other couples. He just couldn't comprehend that we'd been invited as a couple. He'd wander off to weddings solo, Christmas parties full of couples, me sat at home.

I said clearly he was embarrassed to be seen with me.

Original poster

katyalexandra · 05/12/2021 11:39

Please be gentle with me cause I feel very fragile right now lol. I come from a broken family so never wanted that for my own. I know deep down I deserve better but I ‘stay for the kids’. We don’t argue around them and it’s only at times like this we have issues. I guess I’m just very weak as I don’t really want to be a single mum

OP posts:

Original poster

katyalexandra · 05/12/2021 11:40

@twilightermummy he got home at 8

OP posts:

FranklySonImTheGaffer · 05/12/2021 11:43

Sorry OP, this isn't what you want to hear but I wouldn't be too sure that you'd know if he was being unfaithful.
It happened in mine and DHs friendship group - one of the blokes had a lot of one night stands on nights out / weekends away. Some of the group knew (men and women), some didn't but no one said anything.
Wife found out by accident, turned to friends for support and unfortunately found that about 50% of our group knew.

Bloody horrible behaviour but also understandably awkward for some people who knew her but weren't her friend specifically.

Even if he isn't cheating, he's showing you no respect by not coming home.
I'd be interested to know what would happen if you went to an event without him and didn't come home or contact him?

Being a single mum would be a million times better than having your kids think this kind of disrespect is normal. You 100% deserve better.

twilightermummy · 05/12/2021 11:44

I think the fact that you understand why you’re putting up with this is a start. However, for the exact same reasons as yours made me stay with my abusive ex for much longer than I should have done.
I think that you’re delaying the inevitable and wasting your best years.

If you can’t leave him, you need to have some firmer boundaries in place. For a start, I’d want to know why he didn’t want me there (you may not like that answer) then, I’d be making it clear that you all need to start presenting as a family.

Also, really sorry to say this too, but I wouldn’t count on friends telling you if he had a girlfriend on the side.

NeverChange · 05/12/2021 11:49

You know this isn't right and he doesn't treat you well. Bring single is always better than being with the wrong person.

I once attended a wedding where I was seating at a table which included a man I knew vaguely through work. The lady who was with him was not his wife. He knew I knew that but didn't give a shit, was even in photos with his other woman. I couldn't tell his wife. I've no way of doing so,have only met her twice and only in his company. You can't assume people will always let you know. Some won't want to, some have no way of doing so and some will be more loyal to him.

I wouldn't accept a partner staying out all night without having the courtesy to tell me about it in advance.

Original poster

katyalexandra · 05/12/2021 11:56

Okay I think we all know I need to leave. But how am I now supposed to leave.. how do I tell our 5 and 2 year old daughters that daddy isn’t going to there when they wake up.. how do I tell him to leave the house when he’s got no where to go.. how do I now deal with having the children solely 24/7 on my own which means I won’t be able to do anything for myself..

OP posts:

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