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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner goes to all events without me

266 replies

katyalexandra · 05/12/2021 06:41

Bit of background, we’ve been on and off for 6 years, 2 kids together and live together. He has a large group of friends but every single party/wedding etc he will go without me and he says I’m being unreasonable to want to go. Am I just being too clingy? I’ll add that all his friends partners go with them and a few of his friends are also single so it’s not like he’s the only one there without a partner (even though he has one he chooses not to take).

OP posts:
ScrumptiousBears · 05/12/2021 08:57

I'd say he's taking his current girlfriend to these things and they all know about it.

Welcometothejingles · 05/12/2021 08:59

Please don't have any more children with this controlling twat. I don't know why you had kids with him in the first place. Your relationship history isn't secure and conducive to a happy family life. Get rid of him and get some self respect back for yourself and your children. They should always be number one and not him or any other partner.

Hopefullywaiting01234 · 05/12/2021 09:01

When he receives invites for weddings, parties etc is your name on them? If my name wasn’t I would be very concerned that people didn’t see us as a couple. If my name was on it then it’s very bizarre he doesn’t want you to attend, my thoughts would be he wants to be seen as single x

Pieminster · 05/12/2021 09:02

Where's the OP? Bit suss

toomuchlaundry · 05/12/2021 09:02

Do you ever see the wedding invites? Are they all child free weddings/parties too?

CoraPirbright · 05/12/2021 09:04

Yes I did wonder too at the ‘on/off’ thing and yet with two kids in the mix. Terribly unstable for them.

Do the friends actually know that you are ‘on’ at the moment? Or has he spun them the line that you live totally separate lives?

Time to be ‘off’ permanently. He sees you as a convenience, not as a life partner. Please please listen to the wise words of Jayaywhynot and don’t waste another precious second on this selfish tosspot.

FortunesFave · 05/12/2021 09:07

[quote dreamdoll123]@Faevern other than us being young (and the OP hasn't even stated their ages:/) there's literally no difference so yes it's very much comparable. You can check my previous responses to other posters. Not sure if you were trying to be funny there either[/quote]
Have you got children with your partner? If you do then that's a bit odd...that you don't socialise together. Socialising together is part of parenting...it's something you do for the benefit of your relationship AND your children's development.

Looubylou · 05/12/2021 09:07

He is a father and has not bothered returning home to his children, as well as you,witbout warning. Your self respect and confidence will disappear if you stay with this man. End it for your children's sake, if not your own. Don't try to change him - your attempts will boost his ego and destroy your own. I don't swear ever - but what an absolute twat.

NdujaWannaDance · 05/12/2021 09:08

we’ve been on and off for 6 years, 2 kids together and live together.

He doesn't see you as his partner, nor himself as yours. He's cocklodging. You are his property and his convenience, and the person who bears him children (whom I suspect he doesn't contribute financially to very much or at all? Just a hunch.) He's using you.

Either that, or there is something about you that embarrasses him in social settings.

Either way, it's not great, is it?

girlmom21 · 05/12/2021 09:09

@Pieminster

Where's the OP? Bit suss
Probably looking after her kids?
whenthedoveslie · 05/12/2021 09:11

Living together suits him I am assuming.

However, he doesn't consider you a partner in any way.

Justcannotbearsed · 05/12/2021 09:20

You weren’t happy with this in the summer either www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4333944-Advice-needed

Sort out financial support from him and move on. If you were happy with then that would be fine.

But you aren’t and he’s not changing and won’t.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 05/12/2021 09:20

This is not a relationship its a huge red flag.

dreamdoll123 · 05/12/2021 09:22

@PlasticPlantsDontDie then he'd start to come along.... I did comment somewhere saying that the OP should maybe try having a clearer conversation with him to see why she isn't invited so he doesn't just try and brush it off. In my situation, DP would just start coming along. It's not really a big issue

@girlmom21 I only referred to myself as young as a poster said our set up is unusual and that I should 'do me.' I was just highlighting that we're young and we're still able to live our separate lives. We don't have to go to every single event together. That's all🤷‍♀️

@FortunesFave I already mentioned that we live together and have a DD, currently pregnant with our second. Again, I don't think it's the end of the world that we don't go to events together but if one was purposely not bringing the other along then maybe we'd have an issue. We obviously go out together with our kids, I'm talking about events mentioned such as weddings etc

dreamdoll123 · 05/12/2021 09:23

Anyway sorry OP, feel like I'm taking over your thread! I should have kept my trap shut but definitely try to have another conversation with him. If he's purposely not going to places with you then that's very odd

Double3xposure · 05/12/2021 09:24

Hey @katyalexandra didn’t you post about this way back in the summer and get the same replies?

If he’s been acting like this for the last 6 years and you’ve been happy about it - what has changed ?

How much time does he spent looking after his children and does he support them financially ?

LowlandLucky · 05/12/2021 09:26

He isn't your partner.

Wallywobbles · 05/12/2021 09:26

This is so messed up. So good enough to have kids with but not good enough to be seen with.

Raise the bar way over his head. Wanker.

girlmom21 · 05/12/2021 09:33

@dreamdoll123 I agree with you there. You just seemed to be suggesting OP should never expect to be involved in her DP's events/planned.

Maybe your posts have been misunderstood

Lasair · 05/12/2021 09:35

Sounds like he sees you more off than on

RoastPotatoQueen · 05/12/2021 09:36

Sounds like he has another woman (or man?) On the side.

spotcheck · 05/12/2021 09:38

I'm depressed over the number of people who share the OPs experience.

I did too though!
My ex husband used to tell me I wasn't invited to some of his close friend's bbq's . I was so so hurt. When I was included in an event, exH was peacocking around a very pretty close relative of these friends ( she would have gone to the BBQs).

Another ex would carefully design events we attended together and ones where, at the last minute either I or both of us couldn't go. It was a very interesting observation that the events I couldn't attend were ones where a certain group of women WOULD attend.

OP cut your losses here. You deserve better. We all do

FangsForTheMemory · 05/12/2021 09:41

He's on the pull at these events, or he takes someone else to them.

Hattiehoops · 05/12/2021 09:43

Don’t put up with this! My partner will ask me to come to everything with him, if I can’t be bothered he tries to cajole or bribe me into it. Your partner should want to spend time with you and show you off! It sounds like he’d rather keep his options open and be single, very disrespectful and you could do so much better xxx

DoubleTweenQueen · 05/12/2021 09:46

I worked with someone like this. Flirted and slept with who he could get hold of at work parties. Moved out from the house he shared with his girlfriend for 6 months to live with someone else, then they got back together and had a child, when the other girl dumped him. Even fathered a child with another woman - slept with her just before she got married, and I don’t think her husband knows the boy’s not his.
Running joke each year when we had an intake of undergraduate students, who we warned quite vociferously.

Basically, he liked having a constant there in his life, housekeeper, partner for life’s expenses, and mother to his daughter, but wanted to continue enjoying not-quite-committing and appearing single. Doubt they’re married even yet, and his other half was really lovely. No idea what she saw in him at all. I really hope she’s moved on to someone who deserves her.

Apologies, as my memory of this man is truly appalling.

I don’t have any idea why your DP does this, but it’s not normal or respectful of you and your significant relationship together.

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