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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner goes to all events without me

266 replies

katyalexandra · 05/12/2021 06:41

Bit of background, we’ve been on and off for 6 years, 2 kids together and live together. He has a large group of friends but every single party/wedding etc he will go without me and he says I’m being unreasonable to want to go. Am I just being too clingy? I’ll add that all his friends partners go with them and a few of his friends are also single so it’s not like he’s the only one there without a partner (even though he has one he chooses not to take).

OP posts:
RealBecca · 06/12/2021 13:12

A broken home isnt just a mum amd dad that dont live together. Your relationship is broken. On and off. It IS broken and less stable than parents that consistently live apart.

I mean it kindly but deep down you arent staying for the kids. You're staying because you don't believe you deserve better and keep hoping he will change. You can't pretend its for the kids and even thiugh you haven't told them they will grow up and cotton on and feel awful you stayed 'for them'. Don't give them that.

MsVestibule · 06/12/2021 13:13

And no I wouldn’t want either of my girls in a relationship like mine and their dads

You don't need him financially, he doesn't make you feel loved and secure, you wouldn't want your girls to be with somebody like this, but you STILL can't give yourself permission to tell him to leave?

Is him going to events without you your only issue? Is everything else good? (I'm taking a wild guess the answer is 'no'....)

Original poster
katyalexandra · 06/12/2021 13:19

@RealBecca

A broken home isnt just a mum amd dad that dont live together. Your relationship is broken. On and off. It IS broken and less stable than parents that consistently live apart.

I mean it kindly but deep down you arent staying for the kids. You're staying because you don't believe you deserve better and keep hoping he will change. You can't pretend its for the kids and even thiugh you haven't told them they will grow up and cotton on and feel awful you stayed 'for them'. Don't give them that.

@RealBecca I do stay because I hope he will change, you’re right.
OP posts:
Cryalot2 · 06/12/2021 13:21

Op congratulations you have done well to buy your own home.

You clearly have doubts about your relationship otherwise you would not have posted.

If you were my daughter I would want better for you than a part time partner.
Yes he may be a good father but he needs to show his children that you treat their mother with love and respect.

The choice is yours, if you can own your own home you could manage to be a single mum for now. How much time has your partner spent with you all?
It appears you are bringing up both children and looking after the house so what is different?

There are groups that can help you.

Ozanj · 06/12/2021 13:22

It means he’s still looking for the ‘one’. You probably need to tidy up the finances and leave. If there’s a joint account take all the money and go

SleepingStandingUp · 06/12/2021 13:28

@katyalexandra

Okay I think we all know I need to leave. But how am I now supposed to leave.. how do I tell our 5 and 2 year old daughters that daddy isn’t going to there when they wake up.. how do I tell him to leave the house when he’s got no where to go.. how do I now deal with having the children solely 24/7 on my own which means I won’t be able to do anything for myself.. Sad
But you say you're on and off do that isn't stability. Does he see the kids when you split up? If not why not? Why have you got to have them 24/7 when they have a father? If he would ignore them if you break up then he's a shit Dad anyway. You've wasted your adult years on someone who isn't actually committed to you, just wants you around when it suits, and not when it doesn't.
tara66 · 06/12/2021 13:38

You are only 25 and should have some enjoyment of nice occasions such as weddings etc. If you stay together let the friends all know you are a couple (and you're not the nanny/cleaner) and you need to be invited to any party or whatever as well. If he gets an invitation just for him - query the sender all surprised you weren't on it. If you ever talk to his friends make a point of saying- ''we are together/ we're a couple/we have 2 children - didn't you know?'' etc. Let him know that too.

Ohmybod · 06/12/2021 14:06

YANBU.

Pack up your kids and your self respect and move on.

DoubleTweenQueen · 06/12/2021 14:27

@katyalexandra As a woman of over 50 (just!), can I say with the kindest intentions -
You are 25
You are financially stable and own your own home
You are a mum to two young children

In summary - you are an amazing capable human being, with your life together, and most of it in front of you.

You deserve better, and you will find it. Hope you can sort out the short-term logistics to get him out of your home so you can all move on.

Juniper68 · 06/12/2021 14:37

@NdujaWannaDance

I think you are right Juniper.

Sadly this will drag on until the OP's partner finds another partner they can move in with. And by the sounds of things, it won't take all that long, if he keeps going to parties and nights out without her.

Yes cocklodger
LadyEloise1 · 06/12/2021 15:12

@katyalexandra
You sound like an amazing woman. Two young children, your own house/ mortgage, a job. You were a single Mum for much of that, doing it alone.
You rock.
You deserve so much better than the treatment meted out by your children's father.
How bl*ody dare he treat you so.

dottiedodah · 06/12/2021 15:44

I think at only 25 you have your whole life ahead of you .You are enabling him to go off and act like a single bloke! In 5 /10 years time ,do you still want to be on here asking us what to do ,or in a brand new RL with someone kind and respectful. My DGM had a friend whose husband made her walk behind when out in case anyone saw them! (Its 2021 now not 1950 BTW!) Make plans to leave ASAP.

pastypirate · 06/12/2021 16:10

I mean this as a compliment but if you can support yourself financially as you appear to you can manage the needs of two kids, standing in your head. You will be fine x

Also the going to weddings with your partner - the younger girls I work with definitely see that as a relationship benchmark - as in you're an official couple if the bloke agrees to accompany you to a wedding of friends. I've heard them discuss this quite specifically. They are all late 20's.

Hankunamatata · 06/12/2021 16:17

His friends see your relationship as not serious because it's been on/off for 6 years. Does he work? Actually parent? Attend school events? Does he do nice things for you? Or are you just a handy place for him to live?

RealBecca · 06/12/2021 16:41

I really do hope you can find your inner strenght, life will be so much better and so much faster than you think.

hugr · 06/12/2021 17:55

[quote DoubleTweenQueen]@katyalexandra As a woman of over 50 (just!), can I say with the kindest intentions -
You are 25
You are financially stable and own your own home
You are a mum to two young children

In summary - you are an amazing capable human being, with your life together, and most of it in front of you.

You deserve better, and you will find it. Hope you can sort out the short-term logistics to get him out of your home so you can all move on.[/quote]
Exactly. It's really not supposed to be this hard.

Original poster
katyalexandra · 06/12/2021 18:03

@hugr of course it’s hard when there’s kids involved?

OP posts:
DoubleTweenQueen · 06/12/2021 19:36

[quote katyalexandra]@hugr of course it’s hard when there’s kids involved?[/quote]
I think if you can't get past this, then you will be in the same place in 5, 10, 20 years time. Are you happy with that?

Darkpheonix · 06/12/2021 20:52

[quote katyalexandra]@hugr of course it’s hard when there’s kids involved?[/quote]
Let them be the reason you leave. Let wanting a better example for them and learning about healthy relationships, add to your resolve.

Not take it away

hugr · 06/12/2021 21:55

[quote katyalexandra]@hugr of course it’s hard when there’s kids involved?[/quote]
No it's not. If you want to teach your children to value themselves and form healthy and equitable relationships, you need to come to terms with the fact that their father is ashamed or embarrassed of you (and probably waiting for something better to come along) and leave him

Partners are supposed to make our lives easier not harder. If your child was in your position what would you genuinely and sincerely want them to do? Nothing?

If you really can't understand this you have to be wilfully misunderstanding what people are telling you, or trolling.

ScreamingBeans · 07/12/2021 07:22

I come from a broken family so never wanted that for my own.

Your family is already broken, it's just not visible to the outside world.

Leaving this man would not be breaking your family, it would be the beginning of fixing it.

Original poster
katyalexandra · 07/12/2021 12:34

@ScreamingBeans yeah I think I’m starting to realise that, thank you

OP posts:
Roundeartheratchriatmas · 07/12/2021 12:50

So he excludes you. He basically lives off you.

You pay the bills.

You pay the mortgage.

You look after the kids while he’s swanning about.

What does he do ?

What is the point of him exactly ? Confused

LadyEloise1 · 17/12/2021 08:36

@katyalexandra
How are you doing ?
Have you spoken with him ?

LadyEloise1 · 17/12/2021 08:38

I meant yo add how bl**dy dare he treat you, the mother of his children like that.

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