Page 2 | Partner goes to all events without me

katyalexandra · 2021-12-05T06:41:50+00:00

Bit of background, we’ve been on and off for 6 years, 2 kids together and live together. He has a large group of friends but every single party/wedding etc he will go without me and he says I’m being unreasonable to want to go. Am I just being too clingy? I’ll add that all his friends partners go with them and a few of his friends are also single so it’s not like he’s the only one there without a partner (even though he has one he chooses not to take).

dreamdoll123 · 05/12/2021 07:35

The comments are so interesting to me.
Why does he have to bring you along?
I don't take DP to anything and vice versa unless the invite is for both of us. I definitely wouldn't be pushing for him to get an invite if he wasn't invited

AuntieStella · 05/12/2021 07:39

@dreamdoll123

The comments are so interesting to me. Why does he have to bring you along? I don't take DP to anything and vice versa unless the invite is for both of us. I definitely wouldn't be pushing for him to get an invite if he wasn't invited

I think after 6 years and 2 DC, being invited to none of the weddings and parties of friends and family seems a little implausible?

I don't think the problem is with the invitations, it's the RSVP that excludes her that's the issue.

And is, I assume, part of the 'off' side of a relationship OP describes as 'on and off'

leafygarden42 · 05/12/2021 07:42

Why does he have to bring you along?

Because they're living together, and he should want to socialise with his partner??

Weird.

And OP - your 'partner' no doubt enjoys being footloose and fancy-free when he goes out.

Marvellousmadness · 05/12/2021 07:42

I would just go. I assume the wedding invites are for him AND you
Tell him you are going
Or tell him you are leaving his sorry ass

I can't believe you stayed with this man so long. He doesn't appear to be your family. He doesn't act this way

dotsandco · 05/12/2021 07:44

Raise your bar OP...it's currently set very low if you are still 'on' with someone who treats you so appallingly.

dotsandco · 05/12/2021 07:48

@dreamdoll123

The comments are so interesting to me. Why does he have to bring you along? I don't take DP to anything and vice versa unless the invite is for both of us. I definitely wouldn't be pushing for him to get an invite if he wasn't invited

You are presumably BOTH happy with your current set up though? OP is very upset with hers...so however 'weird' you find it, can you not at least understand the difference?

BTW...your set up is unusual, as MOST couples do enjoy going to events together. But you do you 👍

FortunesFave · 05/12/2021 07:48

DON'T put up with this! He's an absolute arsehole. Don't be on and off with the Father of your kids! If he's not willing to be seen in public with you, then he's an arse and not worth your time.

dreamdoll123 · 05/12/2021 07:52

@AuntieStella yeah that does make sense but then surely that's on the friends/family members that do the invite and are excluding the OP? I was going to say maybe the OPs DP isn't clear when they're 'back on' or maybe he keeps his business to himself for whatever reason so they're not sure if they should invite her or not. He could always speak up and say 'oh can I bring X along' but I don't think it's a big thing that he doesn't tbh

@leafygarden42 okay lol did I hit a nerve or something? We actually both enjoying being free when we're out as we're still our own person. You don't need to socialise and be stuck to the hip with your partner at every single event but some people are clearly different

Fairylights25 · 05/12/2021 07:54

It is very disrespectful, and I would never allow someone to treat me like that. I would end the relationship, there is no future with someone like this op.

HollowTalk · 05/12/2021 07:56

The first word you used was partner. He doesn't see himself as your partner though does he? He sees himself as a single man and he goes out looking for fun. There's no other way of looking at it.

dreamdoll123 · 05/12/2021 07:56

@dotsandco where did I say it was weird? People really do put words in your mouth when you don't agree with their way of thinking, how strange!

Again, have I struck a nerve or something?
DP and I are very young, we still live separate lives and don't need to blend our friends together so they invite the other person. We don't actually know anyone that does that at our age but okay lol. I will do me thank you

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 05/12/2021 08:00

Big red flags. Have you got find my friends?

DH and I socialise separately quite often. I would expect that we’d both be invited to events like weddings and big birthdays and would probably make an effort to get a babysitter for these. Less formal things we might go to alone, but after discussion.

lunar1 · 05/12/2021 08:00

I can't even get past the part where your relationship is on an off for 6 years with two children. Never mind the rest.

That's an incredibly unstable way for them to grow up.

AnyOldPrion · 05/12/2021 08:08

[quote dreamdoll123]@dotsandco where did I say it was weird? People really do put words in your mouth when you don't agree with their way of thinking, how strange!

Again, have I struck a nerve or something?
DP and I are very young, we still live separate lives and don't need to blend our friends together so they invite the other person. We don't actually know anyone that does that at our age but okay lol. I will do me thank you[/quote]
You’re young, and I presume without children. Obviously a completely different set up. Normal at that stage to live relatively separate lives. You’re comparing two very different situations.

OP, it sounds like he is continuing to live his bachelor lifestyle and doesn’t want you there as it cramps his style. You obviously want different things from the relationship and I bet he’s not pulling his weight with the children. It sounds like you’d be better off building a life for yourself without him in it, so far as that’s possible with children. Otherwise, one day you’ll probably discover he’s gone anyway and you’ll have to cope with the change on his terms. Do it now, on yours.

Camii · 05/12/2021 08:11

Your post really upset me. It would be bad enough that he leaves you home alone with the kids but he makes you out to be clingy.
How horrible for you.
I wouldn't want to live like that. Humiliating and degrading

TyrannosaurusRights · 05/12/2021 08:11

[quote dreamdoll123]@dotsandco where did I say it was weird? People really do put words in your mouth when you don't agree with their way of thinking, how strange!

Again, have I struck a nerve or something?
DP and I are very young, we still live separate lives and don't need to blend our friends together so they invite the other person. We don't actually know anyone that does that at our age but okay lol. I will do me thank you[/quote]
With respect, if your and your boyfriend are young, live separately and don’t have kids you’re in an entirely different life stage. The OP and her partner are of the age where multiple friends are marrying. They share a home and two children. At that life stage it’s considered rude not to invite spouses/long term partners to things like weddings, and very odd to not socialise together with friends even occasionally.

The advice being offered to the OP isn’t relevant to you - because different life stage.

Chatwin · 05/12/2021 08:12

Is your name included on wedding invitations? Have you met the friends he socialises with? Do you ever see pictures on social media of his nights out?

Being 'on and off' when young children are involved is very unsettling for them - is that a joint decision? Or do you keep taking him back?

I would ditch him for good, you deserve better.

Hollywolly1 · 05/12/2021 08:13

I can understand you are upset op,this set up is not normal.i am married over 20yrs and always went to events together but we are still very much our own personswe have separate hobbies etc.
Even when you start dating someone if they don't invite you to events its a massive red flag

TillyTopper · 05/12/2021 08:17

There's big red flags all over this - does his parents/friends know of your existence even? How on/off are you - are you sure he hasn't got another partner/family?

Honestly OP this is in no way normal. You'd expect to go to pretty much all events like that together. I'd make sure it was permanently - you deserve to be treated far better than that!

JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil · 05/12/2021 08:17

Not normal at all. This would make me feel very insecure and think he feels ashamed of me of something. Do his friends partners make more of an effort than you to dress up etc?

dreamdoll123 · 05/12/2021 08:18

@AnyOldPrion @TyrannosaurusRights
Not sure where the assumptions have come from. We're young yes but we live together and have one DD, about to have a second.

The OP never stated her age but clearly people are unable to live separate lives when they get older. I don't think it's the end of the world OP but obviously if it's bothering you then you should try and have a more clearer conversation with him to ask why you're never invited. It isn't enough for him to just say you're being unreasonable to want to come and that's it.

Like a pp said, it all depends on whether you've met his friends/family (hopefully you have as it's been 6 years) so it sounds odd that they'd invite one and not the other. I personally don't think it's something to end your relationship over

DukkaTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 05/12/2021 08:18

Well he’s behaving like he’s single isn’t he. And probably acts like it too, at these events. But he’s also got the comfy homelife. So you need to decide if you’re prepared to tolerate it.

FreeBritnee · 05/12/2021 08:20

I’m going to assume this is an unequal partnership. He wants you at home looking after the kids/house while he goes out and acts single.

RandomMess · 05/12/2021 08:23

You are "good enough for now" but he's out there seeking someone else isn't he? Not committed at all.

weebarra · 05/12/2021 08:26

DH and I have been together for over 20 years, 3 DCs. Generally if we're not doing things as a family we do socialise separately.
However, we have always done weddings etc together even when we didn't have DCs. Personally I would find it weird for a committed partnership not to attend the life events of friends together.