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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to miss the Xmas party because of the stalker

170 replies

Mumof3MasterofNone · 04/12/2021 22:07

Had a horrible experience this year with a guy from the gym. He basically became obsessed with me, when I made it clear to him that nothing was going to happen his behaviour became very erratic. Constant messages with some very disturbing content (dreamt about raping me etc) Turning up to multiple gym classes in one day to try and see me, actually threw some gym equipment at me ‘to get my attention’. Tried to contact my children via social media, pestered a mutual friend constantly about me, sent me gifts even though he did not have my new address (still don’t know how he got it)
Finally came to a head when I made a complaint to the police.
Since then I have avoided going to the gym which has isolated me from many of my friends who I see there. I’ve tried to go back but it just fills me with anxiety as I know he’s been going still and I can’t face it.
Anyway, it’s the gym xmas party tonight, he indicated a while ago that he was going so I said I wouldn’t be able to go.
I’m getting texts and pictures ‘please come’ ‘don’t let him stop you living’ etc
The guy gave me anxiety and made me physically ill with stress. I’m friends with the gym owners, quite good friends.
AIBU to be hurt that he’s even still allowed through the doors let alone invited to the xmas party? AIB sensitive? 😞

OP posts:
SoniaFouler · 04/12/2021 22:10

I can’t believe the police were involved and he’s still going and your so-called friends are urging you to come, knowing he will (or can) show up. YANBU. Find a new gym and some new friends.

Northernlurker · 04/12/2021 22:15

Why in the name of all that's good and pure is this criminal, dangerous man still welcome in the gym?

Yanbu

Cyberworrier · 04/12/2021 22:15

You are not being unreasonable. Unfortunately I think you'll have to distance yourself from the gym/gym owners and explain why. Shame on them for putting you in this position

Original poster
Mumof3MasterofNone · 04/12/2021 22:19

No one has said they don’t think he should be going. Only that I shouldn’t stop living my life. I feel like it’s so obvious that I shouldn’t have to say anything but now because no one else seems to get it, I feel like it me 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof3MasterofNone · 04/12/2021 22:21

@Northernlurker

Why in the name of all that's good and pure is this criminal, dangerous man still welcome in the gym?

Yanbu

Thank you. That makes me feel reassured that I’m not being a spoilt brat
OP posts:
parietal · 04/12/2021 22:22

you should be able to go back to the police and get a restraining order against him. he should be banned from contacting you, and banned from the gym

Paladin paladinservice.co.uk/ can help you
Also the Suzy Lamplugh Trust www.suzylamplugh.org/

I would not go to the party this year, but do pursue all possible legal routes to get him away from you, so that you will be able to enjoy the gym and see your friend in future.

Mumoblue · 04/12/2021 22:23

Your gym owner friends haven’t banned a guy who is actively stalking and threatening you?

I don’t think they’re your friends.

Definitely don’t go.

RightOnTheEdge · 04/12/2021 22:38

The gym owners are not your friends.
It's outrageous that he hasn't been banned and they must be pretty thick to try and persuade you to go to a party where he will be.
It's really terrible of them. I hope you have other more supportive friends looking out for you Flowers

PigeonLittle · 04/12/2021 22:46

@Mumoblue

Your gym owner friends haven’t banned a guy who is actively stalking and threatening you?

I don’t think they’re your friends.

Definitely don’t go.

Entirely. He should be banned. Awful.

Gym owners care more about money than your safety. Says everything, find a new gym and some new gym bunny friends Flowers

Summerdayshaze · 04/12/2021 22:51

Find a new gym and new gym friends. These people are not good for you. None of them. Absolutely dreadful behaviour on their part. He’s a fucking psycho ffs!

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 04/12/2021 22:52

OP put yourself first.

Join a new gym. Stay away from the old one. Stay away from that guy.

You shouldn't have to but we see these things escalate all too often. If he threw gym eqmt at you in public, he's capable of hurting you. If he followed you around, he's capable of following you home from a party.

Just put yourself first.

Scarydinosaurs · 04/12/2021 22:52

Did you make formal complaints about him to the gym owners? Can you do so now?

It’s possible they think you don’t want formal action taken.

Elieza · 04/12/2021 22:52

I think I remember your thread from before.

It’s scary being pursued by such a weirdo. While I appreciate people telling you to live your life, it’s not then who are being threatened and if it was I bet they wouldn’t be so keen to be anywhere near the bastard let alone going out and living their life!

Stay safe. Take whatever precautions you need to. Contact the police again if he threatens you again or has done anything to you since you last spoke with them.

I would stay welllll away from the gym. If you go anywhere near it he will presume in his warped mind it’s to see him.

NumberTheory · 04/12/2021 22:52

If that happened to a woman at my gym and the owners didn't ban the guy, I would be finding another gym. How can any woman feel safe there? I can't believe the owners claim to be your friend but haven't banned him.

Next time they ask I would send a strong response along the lines of - If you want me to come to the gym you need to barr X. There is no way I will be attending while he is still welcome and it's frankly insulting that you try and minimize the nightmare he put me through and the threat he is to me by making inane comments about "not letting him stop me living my life". Of course he's stopped me living my life as I did, he threatened to rape me and made me fear for my safety. He still does.

And then stop responding to them unless they take some supportive action (i.e. ban him). Their lack of action is atrocious for a service provider, let alone a friend.

EnigmaCat · 04/12/2021 23:06

What is wrong with these people? Are they hoping for drama or just amazingly dumb?
YANBU at all.

TyphooMary · 04/12/2021 23:12

Gym owners need to stop him coming.

He's done this to you, and could do it to other women who use the gym if you stop going entirely.

The response above us perfect

thevassal · 04/12/2021 23:16

It's completely stupid of them because if they don't ban him OP will (and should) stop going so either way they lose a membership - you'd think they'd prefer a friend to stay and lose the weirdo partoculalry if he actually threw their gym equipment at a woman! It's disgusting they haven't done anything.

Original poster
Mumof3MasterofNone · 05/12/2021 07:35

Thank you everyone, I feel so reassured now. I thought I was going mad!
I didn’t make a complaint to the gym at the time as I was so upset (after he threw equipment at me), they also appeared angry and said they would deal with it. Since then all they’ve offered to do is coordinate when we both go, which I’ve explained means nothing as his previous behaviour suggests he’d just turn up anyway!

I feel really sad and disappointed at all of this, and very alone. My whole friendship group goes to this gym 😔

OP posts:
tallduckandhandsome · 05/12/2021 07:42

Get him banned. Talk to the police and the gym and get angry.

And if you don’t want to, that’s fine too. Don’t go to the party.

This reminds me of what happened to Molly McClaren, I think this is terrifying.

SeasonFinale · 05/12/2021 07:44

Please tell me you have blocked this guy? How is he able to still contact you?

Brackenandbramble · 05/12/2021 07:48

I just can't believe that your gym owning friend is not looking out for you and is happy to have a lunatic using their gym, very messed up.
Get a new gym and make new friends.
I'm sorry you've had to deal with this crap.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 05/12/2021 08:04

Gym management are shit and poor friends.

What have the police told him? If he’s been told to stay away from you, he should be told he can’t come to the party or the gym. Has he been in contact since the police warned him off? If so, you can push for a restraining order.

Unmerited · 05/12/2021 08:13

Yep, they’re not your friends. He stalked and basically threatened to rape you. He’s a danger to any other female members too.

I would join another gym.

Original poster
Mumof3MasterofNone · 05/12/2021 08:17

I blocked him on social media early on, he then starting emailing me and sending written letters. I moved house (was going to anyway) but he found me.
Police told him not to contact me and he hasn’t thankfully but he’s still been talking about me to people at the gym (I don’t know what’s up with her etc, proper narcissistic behaviour)

Just before I reported him I was contacted by someone he works with to say that he has form for stalking and to be careful. I didn’t know them, they found me on fb and wanted to reach out as he’d been talking about me at work and it rang alarm bells with her.

The party was last night. I didn’t go. Still had to deal with all the pictures being sent ‘look what you missed out on’ etc

OP posts:
Newschapter · 05/12/2021 08:17

Op, is it a small community gym? Are the other members aware of what happened?

I go to a private gym, only about 50 members but the majority is women.

If this happened in our gym I'd like to think the man would be banned.

Can you try to speak to the gym owner?