AIBU to miss the Xmas party because of the stalker

[Mumof3MasterofNone]

Had a horrible experience this year with a guy from the gym. He basically became obsessed with me, when I made it clear to him that nothing was going to happen his behaviour became very erratic. Constant messages with some very disturbing content (dreamt about raping me etc) Turning up to multiple gym classes in one day to try and see me, actually threw some gym equipment at me ‘to get my attention’. Tried to contact my children via social media, pestered a mutual friend constantly about me, sent me gifts even though he did not have my new address (still don’t know how he got it)
Finally came to a head when I made a complaint to the police.
Since then I have avoided going to the gym which has isolated me from many of my friends who I see there. I’ve tried to go back but it just fills me with anxiety as I know he’s been going still and I can’t face it.
Anyway, it’s the gym xmas party tonight, he indicated a while ago that he was going so I said I wouldn’t be able to go.
I’m getting texts and pictures ‘please come’ ‘don’t let him stop you living’ etc
The guy gave me anxiety and made me physically ill with stress. I’m friends with the gym owners, quite good friends.
AIBU to be hurt that he’s even still allowed through the doors let alone invited to the xmas party? AIB sensitive? 😞

God this is ridiculous and awful. These people are absolute bastards. You shouldn’t have to say anything, they should’ve fired him out on his ear and protected you. Is there anyone that you could reach out to who could maybe see how awful this is and speak to the wife of the gym owner etc and maybe get him banned from the gym. It is so wrongs that you’re the one being punished by his shit behaviour. I really feel for you

I have a life-limiting illness and don’t want to haunt MN like the ghost of Christmas present but…
Life is too short. Please don’t let anyone take away the things that make you happy. Not some bastard stalker; not some either oblivious or intentionally cruel gym owners.

Get official. Get a police report or a copy of your police report. Get a protection order banning him from coming near you. Don’t listen to ANYONE who claims this will “make things worse” or make the situation “bigger.” This isn’t about him or the gym owners - you have a right to be where your friends are, and to enjoy being with them. Take the report or order to the gym owner and make it clear that based on the police order, you expect the stalker to be banned for your protection. It’s the LEAST they can do. Don’t worry about them. Don’t worry him. Just enjoy a new year at the gym with your friends. But I do recommend making plans to workout with friends for a while, so he is unable to stalk you at the gym (sadly, people still break protection orders, though you can report him). If you see him, a friend will also be a witness the protection order has been broken. We’re raised to believe that people (like the gym owners) should just understand how heinous some situations are, but sometimes you learn they don’t or refuse to, because it makes their life more inconvenient or for their own self-interest. So, it’s time for you to make some noise and take back what should be yours (safety, your friends, your gym). I wish you the very, very best of luck, OP.

I can’t believe your friends even still go to the gym! If my friend was being stalked and had fucking gym equipment thrown at them by a psycho I wouldn’t set foot through the door again until the creep had been permanently banned!
Are these people even your real friends?!!
As for texting you to show you what you’re missing out on 🙄 very thoughtless.

Urgh, this is awful, so sorry you’re going through this OP. WTF is wrong with these men?! Makes my blood boil.

I would invest in a body cam and rape/ panic alarm if you don’t already have them and live your life and promote your business as much as possible. Don’t let that bastard ruin your livelihood. Hopefully he’ll bugger off now and turn his fixations on some pop other, unsuspecting women and hopefully she’ll bloody report him too!!! Hopefully he’ll keep getting reported until the police can lock him up!

As for your friends at the gym, it’s really disappointing that they haven’t banned him. Ridiculous actually as no women is safe with him around and I’m surprised word hasn’t got round and women haven’t started leaving because I wouldn’t go to a gym where a predatory male was hanging around.

These people around deranged honestly, sending you pestering messages knowing you've been through the trauma of being stalked with disgusting threats made, and then sending you photos of their shitty gym party like you're missing the most exciting night of your life?! Sounds like they have the mental age of a 13 year old. They aren't your friends. A friend and any respectable manager actually, would ban this utter cretin and make you and other women there feel safe. Enablers. Disgusting making it your problem with the 'dont let him ruining your fun' shite.

I'm sorry, I'm so mad for you. Stalking is serious, I hate that you had to feel like you were the one going mad. New gym, new friends, cut off contact.

Just dropping in to add that I’m so sorry for you.

There’s a level of genuine ignorance about this sort of behaviour. Not wilful, but genuine. It doesn’t occur to people to think deeper about the effects his behaviour has had on you. There are probably some people who have said “aw that’s sweet” when he describes sending you unwarranted flowers.

I was gutted to recently discover that some really nice, normal, intelligent men I know didn’t think that was a problem with wolf whistling and that shouting at a woman about her appearance should be received as a compliment. I bet if I dug about, I’d find some women with the same views. It just hasn’t ever occurred to them to think about how the victim actually feels.

Not excusing the behaviour of your friends and the gym owner. I just suspect they’re being idiotic rather than intentionally horrible to you. The “just ignore him” stuff sounds like playground talk; they may indeed have the EQ level of children. It’s a shame they can’t have their diminishing, immature approach to this rattled out of them, but it is 100% not on you to do this. X

Oh my god, it’s just struck me - I bet some idiots are taking no action because they don’t want to pick sides. Fucking infantile.

@BobLemon I’ve had the packing sides excuse!
I’ve taken as many precautions as I can. I’ve changed my life and the way I go about it.
I met most of these friends at the gym. They know he’s a creep, they’ve said it themselves.

I’d reply to the gym owner’s wife directly; “I ‘missed out’ because despite the stalking, threatening behaviour and police involvement you still ultimately value his custom more than my safety. The fact that he isn’t banned from the gym completely for treating a woman like this is absolutely horrific, and you hounding me all night about the party just reinforces that you want me to rug sweep his behaviour so you don’t have to actually deal with it and ban him. You’ve left me no choice but to find another gym, so once again the violent man wins. I’m really disappointed in you.”

Your gym owners are being completely shit, i can't believe it hasn't occurred to them to ban him!

I had weird behaviour off a guy at the gym I go to (rambling FB messages, unexpected hug) and the owners were absolutely going to kick him out if he didn't stop. To be fair, it's a martial arts gym and it would be a bit pointless teaching self defence and then not letting women enforce boundaries

I actually wanted to talk to him myself (as I'm the higher belt!) but had their backup to say, look you can't do this and stay at the gym, X will chuck you out if this continues. As it turns out, he didn't come back, so happy days.

Have you really sat the owner down and explained how bad the problem is and asked what he proposes to do about it?

@AsYouThinkSoShallYouBecome I’ve discussed it at length and they offered to coordinate when we go. 🙄

@Mumof3MasterofNone

No one has said they don’t think he should be going. Only that I shouldn’t stop living my life. I feel like it’s so obvious that I shouldn’t have to say anything but now because no one else seems to get it, I feel like it me 🤷‍♀️

Absolutely this! Why is it stalking is still not properly recognised for the frightening (and often dangerous) action it is?

And as for your "friends" not leaving you alone with him at the party. He shouldn't be there in the first place - but I bet their care and attention would have dipped as they relaxed and enjoyed their evening... 🌹

These people are not your friends. They obviously view you as a client and not a very valued one either.
You need to send them a message that you will not be back and explain exactly the reasons why.
Do not be fooled into thinking these people give even a tiny shit as they have shown they dont. Get a new gym,new friends and take back your control. All the best

@CoffeeWithMyOxygen

I’d reply to the gym owner’s wife directly; “I ‘missed out’ because despite the stalking, threatening behaviour and police involvement you still ultimately value his custom more than my safety. The fact that he isn’t banned from the gym completely for treating a woman like this is absolutely horrific, and you hounding me all night about the party just reinforces that you want me to rug sweep his behaviour so you don’t have to actually deal with it and ban him. You’ve left me no choice but to find another gym, so once again the violent man wins. I’m really disappointed in you.”

This, but to the owner. Not to his wife.

If they won’t do anything, then take your custom elsewhere.

Oh and get some official paperwork to keep the guy far away from you.

Get restraining order, get new gym. Those who are your friends will follow you.

Else- LMOD subscription, set of weights at home- that's your fitness needs. Use a completely different hobby/activity for socialising

The owners aren't your friends if they still let him attend the gym.

@CoffeeWithMyOxygen

I’d reply to the gym owner’s wife directly; “I ‘missed out’ because despite the stalking, threatening behaviour and police involvement you still ultimately value his custom more than my safety. The fact that he isn’t banned from the gym completely for treating a woman like this is absolutely horrific, and you hounding me all night about the party just reinforces that you want me to rug sweep his behaviour so you don’t have to actually deal with it and ban him. You’ve left me no choice but to find another gym, so once again the violent man wins. I’m really disappointed in you.”

Also add, that you won't be the last one he does this to.

Go to the police, l have been stalked not once but twice and the police in both instances were very good. Stalkers , like other kind of abusers rely on you not making a fuss.
You have every right to go and use the gym.
Usually once the police are involved things improve and if they dont as in one of my experiances, the police arrested and remanded him in custody, he then got sentenced at court. I have never had any trouble since, my advice to all women who feel threatened by stalkers is to speak up, and get it nipped in the bud asap, l cannot fault the police, they did take it seriously.

Presumably the gym want you to go back so they can still have your money. I would have been very clear with ‘sorry I won’t be at any gym events, one of your other clients has threatened to rape me as you are aware. Since you’re happy to have him as a customer I’m not able to be part of the gym any more.’

I would publicise it too as a review for the gym - they are willing to let customers harass women and still be welcome in the gym. It’s not acceptable.

I would also just block anyone sending pics and acting like you’re just being over the top. I couldn’t be bothered with that. If they were real friends they would have boycotted the party as long as the abusive stalker was there. If this was one of my friends I’d have organised a party or a night out privately and not attended the gym one.

Thank you everyone for taking the time out of your day to help me. I have messaged the owner and made it clear where I stand.
I’ve had a day of pictures on social ‘of the best party ever’ and messages of ‘it’s not fair that you couldn’t come’
Damn straight it’s not!
I really thought I’d found a group of friends for life. I don’t have many in this area, now I don’t have one that actually had my back over this. 😔

Great reply from @CoffeeWithMyOxygen

This is so awful for you. Despicable that he isn't banned. I'd send CoffeeWithMyOxygen message or similar to the owner and wife.

So I messaged the owner and his wife and had the following response

I’m sorry your having such a difficult time. I don’t know what else I can do other than say I will tell you if he books on any classes etc - it’s so hard v difficult situation because we have to stay professional and we can’t ban someone for what’s happened between the two of you as it’s nothing to do with the gym if that makes sense . It doesn’t mean we don’t think it’s wrong or we don’t care but you just can’t do that really it’s not grounds to ban someone. He doesn’t even come to the gym though atm x

I am at a loss.

That is a dreadful response, of course they can ban him. The throwing incident alone would be enough. I'm sorry but these people really are not your friends.

Is there anything keeping you in the area? I would consider moving away personally. At the very least respond and confirm you will be ceasing membership of the gym.

@Mumof3MasterofNone

So I messaged the owner and his wife and had the following response

I’m sorry your having such a difficult time. I don’t know what else I can do other than say I will tell you if he books on any classes etc - it’s so hard v difficult situation because we have to stay professional and we can’t ban someone for what’s happened between the two of you as it’s nothing to do with the gym if that makes sense . It doesn’t mean we don’t think it’s wrong or we don’t care but you just can’t do that really it’s not grounds to ban someone. He doesn’t even come to the gym though atm x

I am at a loss.

Ffs…. Money before safety

They can and they should ban him… that is an outrageous reply and quite frankly, if that’s how they treat you, do you really want to go there? Truly shocking.
Ask them what it would take to get him banned… if he raped you would they think about it then?