AIBU to miss the Xmas party because of the stalker

[Mumof3MasterofNone]

Had a horrible experience this year with a guy from the gym. He basically became obsessed with me, when I made it clear to him that nothing was going to happen his behaviour became very erratic. Constant messages with some very disturbing content (dreamt about raping me etc) Turning up to multiple gym classes in one day to try and see me, actually threw some gym equipment at me ‘to get my attention’. Tried to contact my children via social media, pestered a mutual friend constantly about me, sent me gifts even though he did not have my new address (still don’t know how he got it)
Finally came to a head when I made a complaint to the police.
Since then I have avoided going to the gym which has isolated me from many of my friends who I see there. I’ve tried to go back but it just fills me with anxiety as I know he’s been going still and I can’t face it.
Anyway, it’s the gym xmas party tonight, he indicated a while ago that he was going so I said I wouldn’t be able to go.
I’m getting texts and pictures ‘please come’ ‘don’t let him stop you living’ etc
The guy gave me anxiety and made me physically ill with stress. I’m friends with the gym owners, quite good friends.
AIBU to be hurt that he’s even still allowed through the doors let alone invited to the xmas party? AIB sensitive? 😞

Get a restraining order.

@NumberTheory

If that happened to a woman at my gym and the owners didn't ban the guy, I would be finding another gym. How can any woman feel safe there? I can't believe the owners claim to be your friend but haven't banned him.

Next time they ask I would send a strong response along the lines of - If you want me to come to the gym you need to barr X. There is no way I will be attending while he is still welcome and it's frankly insulting that you try and minimize the nightmare he put me through and the threat he is to me by making inane comments about "not letting him stop me living my life". Of course he's stopped me living my life as I did, he threatened to rape me and made me fear for my safety. He still does.

And then stop responding to them unless they take some supportive action (i.e. ban him). Their lack of action is atrocious for a service provider, let alone a friend.

This.

With fucking dumbbells on!

Ignore my reply. The rest of the pages didn't show on my app and I see that the thread has indeed moved on.

I know you don't want to hurt their business OP but I really think that you need to leave an honest, full account review. Express your sadness and disappointment at an actual case of stalking is being brushed off as something that is just going on with two members, as if you are simply having a disagreement with another gym member. And to make things worse, you are repeatedly being told to brush it off as nothing and keep coming back to the place of your harassment by the gym owners via them tagging you on SM and sending you photos and texts to get you to come back and act as if nothing has happened, your safety be damned.

OP this behaviour is really common - it is much easier to make a “reasonable” victim shut up and go away, than it is to tackle and “unreasonable” stalker or rapist. The stalker or rapist will probably make a scene, might turn aggressive, might refuse to leave, will generally cause trouble. Whereas you, they can do what they like. You aren’t going to punch them. You aren’t going to smash their car up. You’ve already demonstrated that you aren’t a psycho, and he’s already demonstrated that he is, so obviously it’s easier to ignore you than it is to confront him.

@Changechangychange I wish I didn't have to agree with every word you just wrote but you are absolutely right.

[quote notsorighteousthesedays]@Changechangychange I wish I didn't have to agree with every word you just wrote but you are absolutely right. [/quote]
Yes, sadly me too. Sorry OP. 🌹

You've had some excellent advice here re all these shitty people. I just wanted to add something about how he got your address. There's no good reason an estate agent should have a special relationship with the council but if you have reason to believe that's where he got it from, please consider contacting the information security/compliance officer at your local council. They should be able to see who has accessed your personal data and if someone's looked you up who didn't need to for a legitimate reason it will be looked into. Councils, at least the one I work for, take GDPR very seriously and if someone who works there has handed over your address to your stalker they should be in a whole world of shit.

So sorry this has happened to you. You deserve the support of your friends at a time like this.

@Mumoblue

Your gym owner friends haven’t banned a guy who is actively stalking and threatening you?

I don’t think they’re your friends.

Definitely don’t go.

This, they're not friends!

That is so true @Changechangychange,
Sadly.

How's it going @Mumof3MasterofNone op?

Solidarity Op, YWNU. I once refused to go to a work party because my coworker was stalking me. I was also expected to just graciously tolerate him for the good of general harmony. Everyone else just found funny, or felt sorry for him because he was over twice my age and lived with his mum.
I'm so sorry your friends don't see what a problem he is. Best wishes

@GlumyGloomer exactly that! Very few can see my point. Which is actually quite frightening.
@LanaDelBoy so stalker went to the gym last week. Took chocolates for the staff then made a big over the top social media post about how he was leaving the gym and that he’s had some good and bad times there. In true Narcissist style.
Then come the ‘oh you can come back now’ messages 🙄
A- this is what he does. Declares he’s leaving and flounces off, then slopes back a few weeks later. So I’m not falling for it. All part of his games.
B- the point is he CAN come back, whenever he likes and that doesn’t sit well with me.
Still feeling deflated about the whole thing. I’ve had a lonely Christmas and New Year ☹️

Sorry to hear that, some people will accept any bullshit for a quiet life, at least you aren't them.
Here's hoping you find better people in time.

This is the time of year that new people join gyms. Indeed without them most would go bankrupt.

Follow up on the suggestion about contacting the council at the very least. I'd also suggest the EHRC given I expect if a woman was harassing a man, they would ban the woman straight away.

@Mumof3MasterofNone

No one has said they don’t think he should be going. Only that I shouldn’t stop living my life. I feel like it’s so obvious that I shouldn’t have to say anything but now because no one else seems to get it, I feel like it me 🤷‍♀️

These "friends " should support you. This person should not be attending their gathering

Oh how gracious of them to say you can come back now!!

I'm so sorry to hear this OP, that they don't see how appallingly they are behaving. Arseholes.

Maybe you should ask them 'what do you mean, why can I come back now? What's changed that means I couldn't attend the gym before and I can now he's gone?'

Perhaps having to actually say it out loud might make them join the dots....

Happy new year, @Mumof3MasterofNone. I hope things get better for you soon.

Leave the gym and start afresh