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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to miss the Xmas party because of the stalker

170 replies

Mumof3MasterofNone · 04/12/2021 22:07

Had a horrible experience this year with a guy from the gym. He basically became obsessed with me, when I made it clear to him that nothing was going to happen his behaviour became very erratic. Constant messages with some very disturbing content (dreamt about raping me etc) Turning up to multiple gym classes in one day to try and see me, actually threw some gym equipment at me ‘to get my attention’. Tried to contact my children via social media, pestered a mutual friend constantly about me, sent me gifts even though he did not have my new address (still don’t know how he got it)
Finally came to a head when I made a complaint to the police.
Since then I have avoided going to the gym which has isolated me from many of my friends who I see there. I’ve tried to go back but it just fills me with anxiety as I know he’s been going still and I can’t face it.
Anyway, it’s the gym xmas party tonight, he indicated a while ago that he was going so I said I wouldn’t be able to go.
I’m getting texts and pictures ‘please come’ ‘don’t let him stop you living’ etc
The guy gave me anxiety and made me physically ill with stress. I’m friends with the gym owners, quite good friends.
AIBU to be hurt that he’s even still allowed through the doors let alone invited to the xmas party? AIB sensitive? 😞

OP posts:
PlanktonsComputerWife · 05/12/2021 18:56

They truly suck.

Sorry, OP. You have every right to feel let down

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 05/12/2021 18:57

I’d send a last message. “Of course you can ban him - you’re choosing not to, even though it absolutely is to do with that gym as that’s where it happened, and that’s where he threw gym equipment at me. Enabling violent men isn’t professional. Saying this is “something between us” isn’t professional when I’ve needed police involvement to stay safe. However as you’re determined to wave this off as not important all I can say is that I won’t be back, and I’m gutted our friendship is worth so little to you.”

grapewine · 05/12/2021 18:59

@CoffeeWithMyOxygen

I’d send a last message. “Of course you can ban him - you’re choosing not to, even though it absolutely is to do with that gym as that’s where it happened, and that’s where he threw gym equipment at me. Enabling violent men isn’t professional. Saying this is “something between us” isn’t professional when I’ve needed police involvement to stay safe. However as you’re determined to wave this off as not important all I can say is that I won’t be back, and I’m gutted our friendship is worth so little to you.”
I'd absolutely send this, verbatim. Fuck them. I'd be so disappointed.
Paganfreya1988 · 05/12/2021 19:10

I can understand your worry and concern, as for the gym you need to write a letter to the gym so you have evidence against this man, also let the gym instructor know the letter has gone to the Manager. The stalker may not just be bothering you but others too.

I do not know whether there is one gym where you live, if yes, then you have not done any wrong have you, working out and feeling good about yourself. Of course I take into consideration he has “ intent” either to cause harm or just trying to scare you, that’s not on. You have reported him, save everything he has sent, text. Take a photo of him for evidence if you haven’t already. If you were regular on certain days, change them if you can. Even if you do have different gyms, if he’s on one, he may well follow you and see you there. Do you drive? If so park as near to the gym whether it’s the old gym or new, or possibly join up a private gym with good active CCTV… where a referee whistle around your neck, I do when on my own, and carry pepper spray from Amazon in your gym back or shopping bag. Police only do so much, had it with my ten year old when she was stalked years ago. We found the guy, where he lived, and had all evidence. Police told me off for taking the law into our own hands🤬

Good luck, be safe always, but don’t let this scumbag win

PonderingTotskeit · 05/12/2021 19:20

If the gym owners are friends surely they would have banned him?

Lilymossflower · 05/12/2021 19:23

It's is absolutely insane that he has not been banned from the gym full stop !

And all these people messaging you to come anyway, they are minimising the actual abuse and harrasment you have been receiving from that asshole. Not friends I would want to keep.

Staryflight445 · 05/12/2021 19:23

This is awful.
How do these men get away with this time and time again

grapewine · 05/12/2021 19:25

@Staryflight445

This is awful. How do these men get away with this time and time again
The way the gym owner and why are acting is exactly why these psychos get away with their shit.
grapewine · 05/12/2021 19:25

*wife not why

ToughTittyWhompus · 05/12/2021 19:28

“Between the two of you”

No, you’re the victim here and he’s a creepy wanker who has form, according to a colleague who went to great lengths to find you and warn you.

Do they really want him using their business premises to find new women to harass and stalk? Because he’s already done it once, has probably done it before and will do it again.

ToughTittyWhompus · 05/12/2021 19:30

Oh, and they can ban someone for whatever fucking reason they want, and being reported for stalking is one of the best reasons to ban someone, IMO.

KTheGrey · 05/12/2021 19:32

The gym owners should ban him for their own safety. If he had hit you with the gym equipment surely they would have some liability for your injuries. If he hurts anybody else there, they will carry the can for it. I would expect them to be required by their insurers and by the council who licence them to exclude anyone using the gym for criminal activity.

BurntO · 05/12/2021 19:37

They aren’t your friends and are putting their members safety at risk. He needs to be banned.

MMMarmite · 05/12/2021 19:39

Obviously it's to do with the gym, parts of the abuse happened on their premises with their equipment.

What a bunch of cowardly dickheads

BurntO · 05/12/2021 19:40

Intervening wouldn’t be unprofessional, if anything it would be the opposite. Surely they have an obligation to maintain standards for the safety of their members as business owners? They are choosing this path cause they want an easy life I would guess. I would be really really upset with them OP, especially if they consider themselves friends.

Boood · 05/12/2021 19:52

OP, the way your “friends” have treated you is absolutely disgraceful. If I were you I would be actively campaigning to ensure all their members and potential members know that they don’t take female members’ safety seriously. Hit them where it hurts now they’ve shown they have no decency.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/12/2021 19:57

@CoffeeWithMyOxygen

I’d send a last message. “Of course you can ban him - you’re choosing not to, even though it absolutely is to do with that gym as that’s where it happened, and that’s where he threw gym equipment at me. Enabling violent men isn’t professional. Saying this is “something between us” isn’t professional when I’ve needed police involvement to stay safe. However as you’re determined to wave this off as not important all I can say is that I won’t be back, and I’m gutted our friendship is worth so little to you.”
I would absolutely send this. As a victim of stalking in the past I understand the absolute all consuming nature of being a victim. You start to feel like you are going mad as nobody else seems to understand what it feels like to live in a state of constant high vigilance and high alert. It made me really ill.

I can't recommend the Suzy Lamplugh Trust highly enough - they were incredible and such a great support to me. Please do get in touch with them if you want to talk through your options - they can then advise if perhaps the police missed anything / any other ways of tackling the situation to keep you safe.

Bless you. These people are not your friends. His reply to you is offensive and frankly pathetic.

Thanks
FlowerFlour · 05/12/2021 19:59

The gym owners are such cowards. He threw equipment at you in their gym, he began stalking you in their gym. This man threatened to rape you and they are still handwringing about not picking sides. They are a disgrace.

Cherrysoup · 05/12/2021 20:05

What a disgusting response from the gym owner. I’d reply telling him that stalking is a criminal offence, you haven’t had some acrimonious break up with this psycho! Tell them there are 2 options, they ban him or you go public to the local press about them refusing to ban your stalker, then follow through. Arseholes.

gamerchick · 05/12/2021 20:06

@Mumof3MasterofNone

So I messaged the owner and his wife and had the following response

I’m sorry your having such a difficult time. I don’t know what else I can do other than say I will tell you if he books on any classes etc - it’s so hard v difficult situation because we have to stay professional and we can’t ban someone for what’s happened between the two of you as it’s nothing to do with the gym if that makes sense . It doesn’t mean we don’t think it’s wrong or we don’t care but you just can’t do that really it’s not grounds to ban someone. He doesn’t even come to the gym though atm x

I am at a loss.

I think throwing gym equipment at you is very much gym business and I'd be saying so Hmm

I'd be gutted if I felt threatened at my gym. I'd feel betrayed if a man's obsession drove me away from the place.

Yesmate · 05/12/2021 20:07

I’m absolutely appalled at the gym owners response. This man is a stalker. Stalkers are dangerous. This wasn’t a relationship that broke down. This man has targeted you. Find a new gym, find new friends. Your safety has to be paramount.

Elieza · 05/12/2021 20:16

My only worry is if the gym give him the heave ho now they will need a reason.

If they’d barred him for throwing weights at the time it happened that would have been good. But the time has passed.

So what can they ban him for? For harassment of members? If they do that he will know who has been involved. And where the OP lives. He may seek revenge.

I’d instead suggest that the OP moves gym and her management ‘friends’ keep an eye on that stalker. And bar him the minute he does something wrong in future. That way it won’t be linked to the OP.

I know none of this is her fault and it shouldn’t have to be this way. But I would be scared of what the weirdo may do.

Staying safe would be my top priority. There aren’t enough police around when you need them. I don’t trust him.

Queenoftheashes · 05/12/2021 20:17

This whole thing is infuriating! Your gym owner mate is so fucking dense!

Unmerited · 05/12/2021 20:40

‘what’s happened between the two of you’

Holy shit. He’s a stalker. What the fuck.

They’ll be complicit in whatever this guy does next.

WorraLiberty · 05/12/2021 20:44

I’m friends with the gym owners, quite good friends.

No you're not Sad