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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to miss the Xmas party because of the stalker

170 replies

Mumof3MasterofNone · 04/12/2021 22:07

Had a horrible experience this year with a guy from the gym. He basically became obsessed with me, when I made it clear to him that nothing was going to happen his behaviour became very erratic. Constant messages with some very disturbing content (dreamt about raping me etc) Turning up to multiple gym classes in one day to try and see me, actually threw some gym equipment at me ‘to get my attention’. Tried to contact my children via social media, pestered a mutual friend constantly about me, sent me gifts even though he did not have my new address (still don’t know how he got it)
Finally came to a head when I made a complaint to the police.
Since then I have avoided going to the gym which has isolated me from many of my friends who I see there. I’ve tried to go back but it just fills me with anxiety as I know he’s been going still and I can’t face it.
Anyway, it’s the gym xmas party tonight, he indicated a while ago that he was going so I said I wouldn’t be able to go.
I’m getting texts and pictures ‘please come’ ‘don’t let him stop you living’ etc
The guy gave me anxiety and made me physically ill with stress. I’m friends with the gym owners, quite good friends.
AIBU to be hurt that he’s even still allowed through the doors let alone invited to the xmas party? AIB sensitive? 😞

OP posts:

Honeyroar · 06/12/2021 22:14

I would send one last message to them pointing out that one of their clients threw equipment at another client on their premises and no action was taken. Tell them you therefore do not think the gym is taking adequate care of its clients or is a safe place to go anymore.

gah2teenagers · 06/12/2021 22:59

At this point I’d go all social media on them. Have you a local page.

Original poster

Mumof3MasterofNone · 07/12/2021 07:55

@gah2teenagers fortunately for them I'm a bigger person. I don't wish them or their business harm, they have a young family. I like to think I do the right thing even when it's not reciprocated. I'll do my talking with my feet and leave.
I'm so glad a posted, I feel reassured that I'm not just being over-sensitive. This is what narcissistic stalking does to you, makes you doubt your own sanity. Thank you everyone. Wish you were all my friends :)

OP posts:

Queenoftheashes · 07/12/2021 10:30

So sad for you OP. Sounds like your mates all have pretty strong internalised misogyny for some reason. We know the truth. I really hope you can find some new and better friends.

Dontbeme · 07/12/2021 14:47

[quote Mumof3MasterofNone]@Elieza I would hope that’s not the case! They have known about all the issues and seen the messages he’s sent me.
I’m done trying to fathom why they don’t understand.[/quote]
They do understand OP, sadly they just care about this man's business and friendship more. They are attempting to sweep it all under a rug and not "take sides" as if this was just a misunderstanding or friendship breaking down between their mutual friends. If the business they run is affected well that is the consequence of failing to act in a professional manner when a criminal act is committed on the premises, and throwing gym equipment at you is surely a serious safety issue at least.

MuguetRose · 07/12/2021 14:59

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 07/12/2021 15:05

‘just wanted to say sorry you can’t be here tonight. This situation is shit. You’ll be missed’

Then respond.

I wouldn't have to if you had banned the violent, stalker you maintain as a member in preference to me, a friend. Aside from feeling afraid of him I feel incredibly let down by you, your wife, other members and friends. You ALL saw how he is acting and yet choose to support him and ostracize me. I cannot understand that, not at all!

NumberTheory · 07/12/2021 15:21

[quote Mumof3MasterofNone]@gah2teenagers fortunately for them I'm a bigger person. I don't wish them or their business harm, they have a young family. I like to think I do the right thing even when it's not reciprocated. I'll do my talking with my feet and leave.
I'm so glad a posted, I feel reassured that I'm not just being over-sensitive. This is what narcissistic stalking does to you, makes you doubt your own sanity. Thank you everyone. Wish you were all my friends :)[/quote]
I don't think it is "the right thing" to stay quiet about the way they are failing to protect gym members from a stalker who was violent on their property with gym equipment towards another member. They haven't simply failed to support you and pushed you out, they have created an dangerous environment in their gym, especially for women, and that is ongoing.

daretodenim · 07/12/2021 15:40

They think they're not "picking sides" but when you stay silent in a situation like this, you're supporting the abuser/perpetrator. They've given permission to this man to harass women at their gym. It's a "safe place" for him.

It's also a safe place for any other man who harassed a female member of their gym having heard about this situation. And they will hear about it because people talk and stalkers and abusive men don't pipe up and say "Oh great! I'll find my next victim there!" They say all the right things and smarm their way in.

Similarly, every woman attending the gym who knows about this situation is tacitly saying that they accept this behaviour. That's not to say they do, but for the type of men who view women as prey/property they're appearing as easy pickings: nobody will stop what the man wants to do as long as he can sew a seed or two of doubt about what he's done.

If this gym really values it's income, then it needs to quickly make some new rules like "harassment of members will result in instant banning". If not, the next time a man intimidates or harasses a woman on their premises, it's going to be hard for them to take a stand, especially if he makes up some shit about a previous relationship etc.

I'm also guessing that this is a cross fit type of gym, given it's independent, has a lot of classes and they know who is coming. This means that stalker dude is unlikely to be overweight Bob who comes to meander on the treadmill once every two weeks, but a fit and therefore quite powerful man.

I'd be tempted to send them this thread.

IntermittentParps · 07/12/2021 16:06

That's just shocking.
Stalking and harassment is illegal. It's worth going back to the police; but you should certainly quit the gym and tell them why. Send them info on the legality of stalking so they can't pretend they don't know.
People sending pics saying 'look what you missed' etc should know better too. I'd put all this in your communication with the gym and make it clear that they are complicit in this man's illegal actions.

I'm sorry. On a professional and a personal friends level, they should have stuck up for you.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/12/2021 16:43

[quote Mumof3MasterofNone]@Bubblecap we've all blocked him on social media. I know it's fairly easy to find someone, the scary thing is that he went to the lengths of doing it then sent me gifts.
I returned them via a friend, she left them on his wife's doorstep (yes he's married with 3 kids)
I've stated my position with the gym and 'friends', they still don't understand. Apparently, I should just coordinate when I go *eyeroll. I just have to accept that he he won, I am the one isolated :([/quote]
Your friends are shit.

Can they honestly not see that by 'co-ordinating' all that will do is indicate to him when you WILL be there?

Honestly, to hell with the lot of them, particularly the gym owners. They should have banned him the moment they knew about his behaviour.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 07/12/2021 17:57

I’m being asked to give the gym a chance to support/protect me if he does anything else. They have had a chance to support and protect you already. They failed. They are just giving him another chance to hurt you. My blood is boiling for you. I would definitely write a very factual review wherever possible.

BobLemon · 07/12/2021 18:14

I’m really hoping that for Christmas, you’ll find a lovely new gym and lots of lovely new friends. You’ve been very brave to stick up for yourself and you deserve to find the right tribe they’re out there. With the January fitness kick start, you’ll get to meet loads of new people wherever you choose!

MuguetRose · 07/12/2021 20:39

This just popped up on my Facebook from the police. The gym owners and your friends would do well to take note of it!

AIBU to miss the Xmas party because of the stalker

Original poster

Mumof3MasterofNone · 07/12/2021 21:52

I hope so too @BobLemon! I’m so deflated, I get that there is a level of ignorance but in 2021 I shouldn’t have to be fighting to be heard.
I’ve had 2 messages today about going to the gym tonight. I’ve repeatedly said that I don’t feel comfortable but oh because he’s not there tonight they can’t understand why I won’t go 🙄

OP posts:

fargo123 · 07/12/2021 22:21

I'd be getting a restraining order and sending a copy to his wife.

I'd report him to whatever organisation oversees real estate agents, and also send them a copy of the restraining order to show them what sort of pyscho he is, as he should not, under any circumstances, be left alone with women when doing house viewings etc.

Lastly, I'd leave reviews of the gym on every forum I could find. Other women need to be alerted to the fact they could be his next victim if they go there. The owners have made it crystal clear that they don't give a shit about you, or any other potential vulnerable women, and, quite frankly, the gym deserves to lose a lot of (potential) business. If they are part of a chain then report them to head office.

fargo123 · 07/12/2021 22:24

I'd be getting a restraining order and sending a copy to his wife

To quote my own post - I'd be sending a copy of the restraining order to his wife to show her what a scumbag vile piece of shit she is married to.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/12/2021 22:36

I think it's time to tell the gym owner and other gym goers who message you wanting you to come that you've made the decision not to use that gym any more as you feel unsafe and dismissed because the owners have treated the situation as a disagreement within a relationship rather than one person stalking, threatening and frightening the other.

Arseholes.!

Nanny0gg · 07/12/2021 22:40

@Mumof3MasterofNone

So I messaged the owner and his wife and had the following response

I’m sorry your having such a difficult time. I don’t know what else I can do other than say I will tell you if he books on any classes etc - it’s so hard v difficult situation because we have to stay professional and we can’t ban someone for what’s happened between the two of you as it’s nothing to do with the gym if that makes sense . It doesn’t mean we don’t think it’s wrong or we don’t care but you just can’t do that really it’s not grounds to ban someone. He doesn’t even come to the gym though atm x

I am at a loss.

They've made it very clear,

And to be honest, would you even trust them now?

Find another gym.

WaitingForSanity · 07/12/2021 22:44

It's absolutely ludicrous he hasn't been banned from the gym. Throwing gym equipment at you should be enough to ban him alone. Never mind all the pervy stalker behaviours. You absolutely did the right thing not going. God knows why he was allowed to go when he's clearly a massive threat to women!!!

Newestname002 · 08/12/2021 03:47

@Mumof3MasterofNone

I hope so too *@BobLemon*! I’m so deflated, I get that there is a level of ignorance but in 2021 I shouldn’t have to be fighting to be heard. I’ve had 2 messages today about going to the gym tonight. I’ve repeatedly said that I don’t feel comfortable but oh because he’s not there tonight they can’t understand why I won’t go 🙄

Probably time to block them now, OP, as they don't seem to care what you are going through. Same goes for the other "friends" who are also tone deaf about this. 🌹

greenmarlin · 08/12/2021 07:47

They sound a bit dim TBH.

As if they are worried about their business and trying to bury the whole thing and shut you up rather than deal with it.

Also why are they pestering you with messages? That sounds very stressful as well. It's as if they wanted you to come along and smile and not "make a fuss."

What has happened to you on their premises is horrendous and they have stood by and done nothing.

Idiots.

greenmarlin · 08/12/2021 07:48

Also don't keep quiet. If people ask you, tell the story. Women are always expected to protect these men and actually you don't have to at all.

Original poster

Mumof3MasterofNone · 08/12/2021 07:55

Thanks @greenmarlin if I’m asked i have told people recently. I didn’t before because I guess I didn’t want to gossip, but it’s beyond that now.
Tbh I wish I could delete all my social media, what’s app etc and hide away but my business needs them.
I do feel better for posting on here, I felt so alone before. Im still technically alone but with the spirit of MN support behind me 😍

OP posts:

TerraNovaTwo · 08/12/2021 07:59

So sick of these wankers (and those complicit) getting away with this quite frankly fucked up behaviour.

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