AIBU to miss the Xmas party because of the stalker

[Mumof3MasterofNone]

Had a horrible experience this year with a guy from the gym. He basically became obsessed with me, when I made it clear to him that nothing was going to happen his behaviour became very erratic. Constant messages with some very disturbing content (dreamt about raping me etc) Turning up to multiple gym classes in one day to try and see me, actually threw some gym equipment at me ‘to get my attention’. Tried to contact my children via social media, pestered a mutual friend constantly about me, sent me gifts even though he did not have my new address (still don’t know how he got it)
Finally came to a head when I made a complaint to the police.
Since then I have avoided going to the gym which has isolated me from many of my friends who I see there. I’ve tried to go back but it just fills me with anxiety as I know he’s been going still and I can’t face it.
Anyway, it’s the gym xmas party tonight, he indicated a while ago that he was going so I said I wouldn’t be able to go.
I’m getting texts and pictures ‘please come’ ‘don’t let him stop you living’ etc
The guy gave me anxiety and made me physically ill with stress. I’m friends with the gym owners, quite good friends.
AIBU to be hurt that he’s even still allowed through the doors let alone invited to the xmas party? AIB sensitive? 😞

I wonder if he’d have the same opinion if it was his wife or daughter the stalker was after.

It's like they are saying it is personal between you two, like you were having a relationship and not that he was using the fucking gym to STALK you !!

What a bunch of dick heads

You're not safe at that gym, I'm sorry.

Your really need to move on and speak to the police at any sign of contact from stalker. Dash cams on car, ring doorbell and a notepad specifically to write any activity.

Dont let this man stop your from your business, from your money. From your dreams.

Find a safe space, and a supportive community not ones with wet words and weasel actions.

I did suggest if it were the owners he had stalked would they still ‘not have any reason to ban him’
I think they’re just trying to avoid dealing with the situation tbh. Not a great business plan.
I’m exhausted by the whole thing. And sad that I clearly don’t have the friends I thought I did

He used their premises as a place to stalk, intimidate and harass you. I’d be asking why that isn’t grounds to ban him. Police were involved: it wasn’t just a fall out between two gym members. Sounds very much like their ‘being professional’ reasoning is nothing more valiant than wanting the money from his membership. Some gyms throw people out for photographing other members!!

I’d review the gym on every platform you can find.

Good equipment, great classes but I’ve had to leave as they’re happy to allow violent men to continue to harass female clients on the premises even after police involvement.’

Include the email if you like.

This is their policy. Let them stand by it publicly.

Have you spoken to his company op?
Most companies where data protection is concerned can see what their employees have looked at.

So they’d be able to see if he broke data rules and found out your address through his line of work.

@Staryflight445 I did speak to his work in the end mainly because they contacted me to see if I would make a statement to them. I got the impression something was being investigated at work.
They said they’d look into the address thing but I suspect he just called someone he knew so no paper trail.
I’ve ceased trying to reason with the gym owners. Apparently they can’t just ban him as it’s between us. I’m really shocked. And she’ll be finding a new gym. I won’t bother with finding friends. The hurt of disappointment when they let you down is too much. I’ll stick to dogs

What a terrible situation. Your friends/gym owners aren’t really getting this. They are behaving as if you’ve broke up with your BF and you want them to bar him! He is a stalker. He has form. And I mean this in the best possible way OP this is not just about you. Once he tires of tormenting and frightening you, he will ofc move on to some other poor woman that he will prob meet at the gym. The fact that it’s a private gym they could of just barred him. End of. Protect you and countless other women. Send him a clear message. Support you. Their behaviour is poor.

I know the party has been and gone but I wouldn’t have tolerated this. I would have told them how out of order they were being. Told them not to send you one single photo etc of this night as you are quite devastated at the lack of support from them. Bastards x

Gosh it is so frustrating that they can't SEE what is happening! (Or they're choosing not to)
It must feel really disappointing for you

This is awful, and needs to be taken seriously. I'm not sure if you have Snapchat but in settings under 'who can see my location' which is about halfway down the page, you can switch on ghost mode, which hides your location. So he might of found you on Snapchat and seen your location ie your street address on that? Also 192.com is available to everyone and it brings up street addresses (not house numbers) for whichever houses are on the electoral roll. So he could of got it that way too. Whatever, he has clearly gone out of his way to get your address and that's concerning.
I used to work at a gym and we blocked people for acting strange, who we thought could be a threat to gym customers & staff. This was authorised by head office, so we wasn't just blocking for the sake of it.

So awful.
Gym owner is a hypocrite who cares only about money.

You were assaulted on his premises!

Sending you that message was not supportive, it was rubbing salt in your wounds.

His wife and the others are not your friends - they have no backbones and no moral integrity.

Try to view it that it is better you saw their true colours so9ner rather than later.

It’s actually very easy to find out where someone lives if you know their family name which as op is on Social media I’m assuming he knows.

The gym owners response is appalling.

@Bubblecap we've all blocked him on social media. I know it's fairly easy to find someone, the scary thing is that he went to the lengths of doing it then sent me gifts.
I returned them via a friend, she left them on his wife's doorstep (yes he's married with 3 kids)
I've stated my position with the gym and 'friends', they still don't understand. Apparently, I should just coordinate when I go *eyeroll. I just have to accept that he he won, I am the one isolated :(

@Mumof3MasterofNone

So I messaged the owner and his wife and had the following response

I’m sorry your having such a difficult time. I don’t know what else I can do other than say I will tell you if he books on any classes etc - it’s so hard v difficult situation because we have to stay professional and we can’t ban someone for what’s happened between the two of you as it’s nothing to do with the gym if that makes sense . It doesn’t mean we don’t think it’s wrong or we don’t care but you just can’t do that really it’s not grounds to ban someone. He doesn’t even come to the gym though atm x

I am at a loss.

That is a shit excuse from them. He threw equipment at you! Even if that was the only thing he had ever done he should have been banned. It’s time to give up on the gym and find another. One thought —- is he an employee of an estate agency? If he obtained your new address by using his position data protection law has been broken somewhere. You could contact his employer ( or keep that in reserve in case you feel you need to) Sorry you’ve had this crap to deal with.

He’s married with kids ???? I’d be showing all the evidence to his wife. If nothing else she deserves to know what a shitbag she’s married to.

@Mumof3MasterofNone

Thank you everyone, I feel so reassured now. I thought I was going mad! I didn’t make a complaint to the gym at the time as I was so upset (after he threw equipment at me), they also appeared angry and said they would deal with it. Since then all they’ve offered to do is coordinate when we both go, which I’ve explained means nothing as his previous behaviour suggests he’d just turn up anyway!

I feel really sad and disappointed at all of this, and very alone. My whole friendship group goes to this gym 😔

I would pursue this/ if he turns up at the wrong times etc then he will be banned which would be even better? Also I would find it reassuring as it would mean people are aware of the situation and can keep on you/ him and make sure he's staying away

JESUS CHRIST! I'm absolutely raging on your behalf. He hasn't done anything wrong? How DARE they make out this is some sort of domestic between you and he hasn't done anything wrong. I hope you give them both barrels and tell them exactly what they are. He threw equipment at you, that's not enough? They are gross and they don't care about safeguarding women, never go back there and tell them exactly why. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

The ‘coordinating’ when you go thing, WTF. A stalker is someone that spends their life coordinating themselves with where you are. How great that they’ll participate in that with him. 🤦‍♀️

Just awful !!

Of course you are not being unreasonable by not going - in fact I'd advise you not to go if there is any chance he may be there. The fact that your "friends" think you should go is mad.

Really sorry for you OP, what you have been through is very distressing. And for friends to encourage to go is unreal. It's actually shocking the bloke is allowed anywhere near the gym. I hope 2022 gets better for you - and think about another gym and different friends!

You know when everyone in your circle says the same thing and even if you don’t agree you go along with it because everyone else says it so you must be being unreasonable. Yeah, that’s where I’ve been at.
I could try the coordinating times offer but honestly, why would I pay for the privilege of going somewhere who doesn’t value women’s safety ?
I’m being asked to give the gym a chance to support/protect me if he does anything else. Can’t help but feel like a pawn/bait when really he should just be banned and I shouldn’t have to ask?

Makes me wonder if he’s convinced then that you two were having an affair and had a lovers tiff and that you don’t want them to know about your secret relationship as he’s married etc.

It’s the only way I can think of that they wouldn’t take this matter seriously.

Serioisly, I would join another gym and go no contact with any of this lot.
This man will do exactly the same again and again, sadly.
Shocked that he is married!

@Elieza I would hope that’s not the case! They have known about all the issues and seen the messages he’s sent me.
I’m done trying to fathom why they don’t understand.