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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to miss the Xmas party because of the stalker

170 replies

Mumof3MasterofNone · 04/12/2021 22:07

Had a horrible experience this year with a guy from the gym. He basically became obsessed with me, when I made it clear to him that nothing was going to happen his behaviour became very erratic. Constant messages with some very disturbing content (dreamt about raping me etc) Turning up to multiple gym classes in one day to try and see me, actually threw some gym equipment at me ‘to get my attention’. Tried to contact my children via social media, pestered a mutual friend constantly about me, sent me gifts even though he did not have my new address (still don’t know how he got it)
Finally came to a head when I made a complaint to the police.
Since then I have avoided going to the gym which has isolated me from many of my friends who I see there. I’ve tried to go back but it just fills me with anxiety as I know he’s been going still and I can’t face it.
Anyway, it’s the gym xmas party tonight, he indicated a while ago that he was going so I said I wouldn’t be able to go.
I’m getting texts and pictures ‘please come’ ‘don’t let him stop you living’ etc
The guy gave me anxiety and made me physically ill with stress. I’m friends with the gym owners, quite good friends.
AIBU to be hurt that he’s even still allowed through the doors let alone invited to the xmas party? AIB sensitive? 😞

OP posts:
Newschapter · 05/12/2021 08:18

Majority are women

SomethingBeginningWithX · 05/12/2021 08:23

This situation is fucked up! I would explain really clearly to your 'friends' how you feel and if they still don't get it I'd give up on them. It's absolutely shit for you.

Original poster
Mumof3MasterofNone · 05/12/2021 08:28

@Newschapter it’s an independent gym, few hundred members, mix of men and women. The gym owner knows everything as I’m good friends with his wife. Maybe I should have spoken to him directly but I felt it was awkward as his wife knows and has talked to him about it.
I don’t know how it’s got to this, I haven’t complained because I didn’t feel like I needed to I wrongly assumed they’d have my back. Clearly not.
Part of me feels enraged and I want to have my say, tell turn how shitty their lack of support is. The other part of me just thinks, sod it, it’s not worth it if they can’t see it for themselves 😞

OP posts:
PinkWednesdays · 05/12/2021 08:29

I’m amazed the gym hasn’t banned him!

PinkWednesdays · 05/12/2021 08:30

Just saw your update. I think you should speak to the owner OP. It isn’t a case of this happening outside of the gym and you both happening to be members of the same gym, this started in the gym.

Brackenandbramble · 05/12/2021 08:32

Was it the gym owners wife or other 'friends' sending you pics of what you missed out on ?
Do they know the full details? How on earth do they not support you on this?
He sounds scary, the minute he contacted my kids I'd have gone berserk. I'm angry on your behalf at the lack of support.

Newschapter · 05/12/2021 08:33

[quote Mumof3MasterofNone]@Newschapter it’s an independent gym, few hundred members, mix of men and women. The gym owner knows everything as I’m good friends with his wife. Maybe I should have spoken to him directly but I felt it was awkward as his wife knows and has talked to him about it.
I don’t know how it’s got to this, I haven’t complained because I didn’t feel like I needed to I wrongly assumed they’d have my back. Clearly not.
Part of me feels enraged and I want to have my say, tell turn how shitty their lack of support is. The other part of me just thinks, sod it, it’s not worth it if they can’t see it for themselves 😞[/quote]
I get that

Is there another gym near you where you could move to? If so, I'd do that and then if your friend asks you can explain.

I wouldn't feel comfortable or safe in a gym where the owners didn't put a woman's safety over a man's fees.

I'm sorry you've had to go through this. If this happened at my gym I'd be leaving to show solidarity to you.

Original poster
Mumof3MasterofNone · 05/12/2021 08:40

It was friends and the owners wife sending me pics of the party. The owner himself messaged just before it saying ‘just wanted to say sorry you can’t be here tonight. This situation is shit. You’ll be missed’
All the messages and pestering made it worse, like I was being unreasonable and should just get over it. One person said ‘we won’t leave you in your own’
Why do I want to go to a party that welcomes stalkers?!

OP posts:
MuguetRose · 05/12/2021 08:43

It's not you in the wrong. Look at the voting. It's your friends and the owners being weird

KatherineJaneway · 05/12/2021 08:43

You need to go back to the Police

MushMonster · 05/12/2021 08:44

Do not go. Change gym. Tell no one in this old gym.
They should not allow a stalker on their gym. I am not liking this a bit. Also, about the new address, very few ways to get it.....

MuguetRose · 05/12/2021 08:47

Was the guy at the party? Why on earth hasn't he been banned from the gym?

LolaButt · 05/12/2021 08:47

Those messages show that these so called friends are complicit in this guy’s disturbing behaviour.

Real friends would have made sure he was no longer welcome and rallied around you to make you feel safe.

I’m sorry you’ve been let down OP. I think you’ve been shown who all of these people are.

Gingernaut · 05/12/2021 08:48

Call the police again.

He's still harassing you.

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 05/12/2021 08:56

Please start keeping a diary of everything that happens. Find a new gym maybe women only gym. Put up some good cctv around your property. Buy and air tag or use find my phone (not sure what it’s called on other devices) that a loved one can access and track. Go back to the police if anything happens. Ensure you’re children keep anything they receive online and also have a tracker you can access for them. Have a safe word that only you and your family know. Don’t open the door to delivery’s use cctv that you set up and ask they be left on door step and collect them when you see delivery person leave your property. Delete all soical media or change name protect your information online and at home, so paperwork is correctly disposed of. Only inform close friends and family with daily activities, events or trips. Change up your routine if you have a daily one eg like going to gym then getting a coffee and then going shopping every Sunday. Please be safe Flowers

littleburn · 05/12/2021 09:02

OP this has made me so angry on your behalf. You are the victim here, why the hell hasn't the gym banned this man?? The very fact that he hasn't been shows they are siding with him, not you, and are very invested in minimising what you have been through with all of the 'why don't you come along to the party?' bollocks. For gods sake, he was saying he dreamt of raping you and they're all acting like it's an unreciprocated crush and you need to get over it. Total misogynistic victim blamers the lot of them.

Original poster
Mumof3MasterofNone · 05/12/2021 09:07

I’ve spoken to the police about the gym but they say it’s up to the owners but he shouldn’t approach me or talk to me. Frankly not enough. How can I work out comfortably?

Regarding my new address- he’s an estate agent so I suspect he pulled some strings with the council! But I can’t prove it.

OP posts:
FallingStar21 · 05/12/2021 09:08

I'd message them back, saying exactly what you said here, OP:
"Why would I want to go to a party that welcomes a stalker? The fact that you still let him come to gym as normal and invited him to the party speaks volumes. It clearly shows your support for him and his criminal behaviour (for yes, stalking is a very dangerous, serious criminal offence). I am sad to realise how little regard you have for me."

Unmerited · 05/12/2021 09:11

I hope you’re not still paying fees to not go to the gym owned by friends that welcome your stalker.

littleburn · 05/12/2021 09:15

And as for the owner saying 'the situation is shit' he's the bloody owner, not some passive bystander. He's the one with the power to end this 'shit situation' and ban this individual from his gym.

OP if I was you I'd be sending the owner an email detailing all of the things this guy has done that has led to you reporting him to the police, and the behaviour that has continued since. Say that you cannot attend the gym whilst this man is a member and if he is not banned you'll end your membership. Make the choice that black and white for him.

Original poster
Mumof3MasterofNone · 05/12/2021 09:15

@Unmerited it’s pay as you go so no fees wasted.

OP posts:
FallingStar21 · 05/12/2021 09:16

Btw, is it possible he's found your new address through one of your mutual gym friends? Or followed you from the gym?
It does sound very intense and creepy.
Might be worth installing a camera, as I wouldn't be surprised if he returns to your house. Then you can go to the police again, they really haven't done much to help anyway.

Original poster
Mumof3MasterofNone · 05/12/2021 09:17

Thanks @littleburn I’ve refrained from this thus far as I was dumbfounded that they hadn’t banned him and then doubting myself for expecting it. The support on here is much needed, thank you

OP posts:
Unmerited · 05/12/2021 09:19

Well that’s something. You’re definitely not the one in the wrong here.

Original poster
Mumof3MasterofNone · 05/12/2021 09:20

@FallingStar21 I’ve moved to a small village so it wouldn’t be that hard to drive round and spot my car (which I have also since changed)
I’ve spent the past few months sat inside with my blinds shut.
Started a new very public business this year which I’m struggling to promote as I don’t want to give my habits and locations away.
The whole situation is a mess. I’m the one losing out yet I’ve done nothing.

OP posts:
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