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Let myself go...DH says
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Embarrassed1987 · 04/12/2021 19:31

DH and I have just had a big row.

He’s been grumpy all afternoon and I asked him what was wrong and he’s just blurted out that he doesn’t understand what’s wrong with me 😔

That I’ve massively let myself go and that I don’t look anything like the woman he married. He’s right I know, which is awful.

I’ve gained weight, I was a size 10 and now a size 14.

My hair is brushed and clean but now my only upkeep is going to the salon every couple of months to get rid of split ends. When we met I’d have balayage and styled my hair regularly.

I rarely wear make up now, when I used to wear the usuals, tinted moisturiser, blush, get my brows and lashes done.

I do dress okay when I’m out and about but tonight I was wearing my big dressing gown and PJs (not very attractive I know)

This has hurt, and I don’t know what to do.

OP's posts:
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Pbbananabagel · 04/12/2021 21:01

I am 3 dress sizes bigger now than when I met my husband, I no longer curl my hair and spend every day in make up and fancy outfits and I live in leggings and jumpers.
I have also had 2 children of his children in that time and I am confident he still loves me exactly as I am. Every woman should be confident in this 2 years after having a child, when they’re in school and much older we will get that time back- he’s being a tit.

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PigeonLittle · 04/12/2021 21:03

Him - becomes a Dad, doesn't change his hobbies, work or activities and allows the extra burden of parenting and maintaining the family home and all the extra that it provides to land on your shoulders. And expects you to work.

Also him - Good god woman you've left yourself go.

At least, that's what I imagine it to be like.

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me4real · 04/12/2021 21:03

Men are visually driven. They fall in love with what they see. If you choose to be in nightclothes at noon and don't take 5 minutes to put some make up on, don't be surprised if DH notices and doesn't like it.

'Don't greet your man with your hair in curlers'- how retro.

You turn that against him by demanding he do more child care to go to the gym. The gym is nothing to do with the problem.

@Pascal80 Well it could be if he's moaning that OP has put on a bit of weight, and OP going to the gym might help her lose weight/tone up. So it could be part of the solution.

Though personally his comments would still earn him a black mark from me.

I'm trying to do a lot to get slightly slimmer and improve my food habits.

I think these things are helpful:-

Exercise classes
Therapy
Noom app

These may be helpful IDK:-

MyFitnessPal
Orlistat (which I bought online from a reputable site with staff registered with the GMC and GPC.)

I lost 6lb with Noom but have plateaued at the mo. MyFitnessPal might be more about fixing the nutritional balance of one's meals long term.

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FTstepmum · 04/12/2021 21:04

What he has said is hurtful - and worrying.

It doesn't bode well for the future, OP.

I know a couple where one spouse has had a serious stroke and now needs a lot of physical help from her DH, getting dressed, cooking etc.

And another couple where the DW has been diagnosed with bipolar and needs a huge amount of emotional support and understanding from her DH.

Both of these women have put on weight, yet their husbands are living out their marriage vows.

What would your husband do in those cases?

He says you've let yourself go. The vain, selfish arse has let YOU down with his lack of kindness and support.

I really hope you leave him and find a good'un before too long. Xxx

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TatianaBis · 04/12/2021 21:04

So ask him to prioritise DD while you prioritise the gym. See if he likes that.

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StellaGibson118 · 04/12/2021 21:04

I can always rely on Mumsnet to remind me why I'm single.

I'm really sorry he's decided to a) be in a mood with you over how you look and b) actually fucking tell you it.

Did he not realise you'd not be a glamour model every day of your marriage? Ridiculous

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me4real · 04/12/2021 21:08

I don't tend to get dressed until I need to, either. Though I probably would before someone came home.

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nothingbutsnow · 04/12/2021 21:08

If i thought my partner had let himself go (whatever the hell it even means) i would only make comment if i was concerned he might be depressed, anxious or unwell.
And even then, i would NOT introduce the topic via a long winded grump. And i certainly would not phrase it so insensitively, because who would, if they loved you?

So perhaps the only thing you have 'let go' is your self confidence and the awareness of how someone ought to treat you respectfully.
I would advise taking some time to reflect on this, whether it is what you want from life, whether this is how you wish to be spoken to and regarded in your DH's eyes.

I so wish women would stop settling.

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SilverGlitterBaubles · 04/12/2021 21:12

@TatianaBis

So ask him to prioritise DD while you prioritise the gym. See if he likes that.

This exactly. Ask him what can he do to help you so you have more time to care for yourself.
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Keepitonthedownlow · 04/12/2021 21:14

This is just another way for men to control women

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Twilight7777 · 04/12/2021 21:16

Sounds like a right dick! Sounds like he can prioritise the gym because you care for your child. If it was the other way around he’d probably resent giving you extra time on your own

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hivemindneeded · 04/12/2021 21:20

[quote Embarrassed1987]@DrSbaitso

He does look pretty similar, a few more winkies but still goes to the gym etc.

Neither of us have loads of free time with DD, but he has prioritised the gym in the time he does have.[/quote]
And now it's your turn to do the same. Go to as many sessions as he does while he takes care of your daughter alone. That will give him a growing appreciation of how wearing it can be. And you get to be fitter and lose weight, which will make you much happier.

I'd be a bit sneaky on this one, and say, 'I know we rowed but I am actually really glad you noticed that I haven't had time to look after myself recently. Why don't I get back to the gym several times a week and the salon once a month while you bond with DD and sort out her toys/clothes/food/tantrums?'

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Hollywolly1 · 04/12/2021 21:20

You work 3 days a week and you have a toddler and get your hair trimmed every 3 months, I don't imagine you go to work looking like a wreck. I wonder is there something going on with him as you seem very normal to me

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PicturesOfLily · 04/12/2021 21:21

I would find this really upsetting. I’m on mat leave with a 9 month old (& 4yo) and if I know I’m not going anywhere/just pre school drop off & pick up then I often don’t bother putting any make up on or straightening my hair because I don’t see the point. On the days I have my 4yo old home too, we all have breakfast in pjs and get dressed later but sometimes she prefers to spend the day in her pjs or a princess dress. I am lucky to get more than 3-4 hours unbroken sleep a night and look/feel tired all the time but my dh tells me I’m beautiful frequently, even though I don’t feel it. I’m sorry you haven’t got that support op. I knew dh was a keeper when I got sunstroke about 2 weeks into our relationship and he had no problem holding my vomit bowl for me Blush

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Longdistance · 04/12/2021 21:22

Myself and dh have both let ourselves go. Only difference is, I’m the one with the least amount of time to myself. Both work full time, dh frequents the golf course, football and rugby through the week. I do the majority of childcare, general household shit.
Dh still compliments me when we go out. We’re very comfortable with each other.
Not sure going from a size 10 to a 14 is a big deal. Though I’m tall, it wouldn’t really be a big deal.

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Onlinedilema · 04/12/2021 21:25

You know what, I would say you are right I need to start having my hair and nails done again. I'll book in for Saturday. Then I would have my hair done, nails done and go and sit in a cafe and read a book. Make it clear dd needs her lunch. Leave him to sort her out and keep the house tidy. Maybe book in for a foot massage on another day and again make it clear he is to sort out dd.
All this takes time and that is time you won't be sorting dd our the house out.

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HireStarter · 04/12/2021 21:27

So years of changing (and having kids) has made him sit in a grump all afternoon?!

He sounds like a selfish, immature, shallow little man.

Essentially he's telling you he finds you unattractive. How kind of him. I'd tell him, if he doesn't like it, to go do one.

It's NORMAL for mums of young children to wash and go. Heck, I barely shave anymore. I can't remember the last time I shopped for clothes. And I'm a lot more squishy than I was 10 years ago. My partner knows not to complain.

For me, I'd be worried about why he's suddenly so bothered to sulk all afternoon. Has he met someone else? Getting attention off a younger woman and feeling angry with you for it?

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LookItsMeAgain · 04/12/2021 21:46

@Embarrassed1987

Thanks all, I’m going to leave it for tonight. But tomorrow I’m going to do as advised.

I’ll explain that I would like more time to myself to go to gym classes etc, but he needs to step up to enable me to do so. I’ll ask for 2 nights a week for him to look after DD from 5pm until bedtime.

Based on his comments to you, I'd be telling him rather than asking him about what you want and need to do. Even if you decide to use that time to go for a walk or to a movie by yourself every now and again, he is clearly prioritising himself over family and over you while you are holding the fort which allows him that time.

Has he been doing this without you getting the same matching time for you?

He really didn't think his comments through but I think when you put it to him that this is what must happen, he'll get a massive wake up call and he really should apologise for what he said.
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EyesAsGreenAsAFreshPickledToad · 04/12/2021 21:54

a few more winkies

Bloody hell, how many winkies has he got?

Sorry you feel shit op. Tell him he can look after the kids and do all the housework while you go the gym and hairdresser or somewhere else you want to go.

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Immaculatemisconception · 04/12/2021 21:58

@Embarrassed1987

Thanks all, I’m going to leave it for tonight. But tomorrow I’m going to do as advised.

I’ll explain that I would like more time to myself to go to gym classes etc, but he needs to step up to enable me to do so. I’ll ask for 2 nights a week for him to look after DD from 5pm until bedtime.

Don’t ask, tell him what’s going to happen.
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PyongyangKipperbang · 04/12/2021 21:59

Sorry babe but I suspect that "Adonis" has had his head turned. This is the start of the joy that is the midlife crisis. Do you. He will soon realise that a mid 40's man is no prize to the hot 21 year old he is eyeing up.

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MarleneDietrichsSmile · 04/12/2021 22:02

Yes, what hivemindneeded said

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PyongyangKipperbang · 04/12/2021 22:02

The reason that men like this criticize their wives is because when they see her aging they realise that they are aging too and they dont like it. They kid themselves everytime they look into the mirror so when he says "You are letting yourself go" what they are actually saying is "I am getting old and I dont like it" so they re-mirror themselves with someone younger. Thats why you get pathetic specimens who have a younger gf and a sports car and pretend that their teenaged kids are their neices or nephews.

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lljkk · 04/12/2021 22:03

Someone has turned his head. He's not comparing now-OP to past-OP, he's comparing now-OP to someone else now.

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Queenie6655 · 04/12/2021 22:04

@simpledeer

Absolutely he can fuck off.

With bells on it

I bet you
You are way better looking than he is

He has let himself go and is projecting this shit on you

Been there

Fck that !!!!
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