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Let myself go...DH says
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Embarrassed1987 · 04/12/2021 19:31

DH and I have just had a big row.

He’s been grumpy all afternoon and I asked him what was wrong and he’s just blurted out that he doesn’t understand what’s wrong with me 😔

That I’ve massively let myself go and that I don’t look anything like the woman he married. He’s right I know, which is awful.

I’ve gained weight, I was a size 10 and now a size 14.

My hair is brushed and clean but now my only upkeep is going to the salon every couple of months to get rid of split ends. When we met I’d have balayage and styled my hair regularly.

I rarely wear make up now, when I used to wear the usuals, tinted moisturiser, blush, get my brows and lashes done.

I do dress okay when I’m out and about but tonight I was wearing my big dressing gown and PJs (not very attractive I know)

This has hurt, and I don’t know what to do.

OP's posts:
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EightWheelGirl · 04/12/2021 22:04

@AutumnLeaves21

How much has he changed since marriage?
How’s your marriage other than this? Sex life?
I’m a bit torn here. I’ll probably get flamed but I do think it’s important to continue to put effort into your appearance into a marriage, for me, the sexual attraction has to be there. I wouldn’t be happy if DH gained a lot of weight and let himself go. I would broach the subject sensitively and kindly though. I hope he’d do the same for me.

I’m inclined to agree, without wanting to be harsh.

There was a thread last week where the OP was talking about how her husband had got fat and she didn’t find him attractive anymore despite loving him Responses were very different from this thread, as lots of posters said they would be if the sexes were reversed.
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PyongyangKipperbang · 04/12/2021 22:06

I wouldnt do the gym thing unless you want to, and I certainly wouldnt do it for him.

If he thinks he can do better then tell him to have a good ol' crack at it but that you wont be there when he realises that he cant.

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ThrobbingToothacheOfTheMind · 04/12/2021 22:07

Hmmm.

I have seen a few ‘no longer attracted to my husband’ threads on here where the man has gained weight & stopped putting effort in, and nobody tells the OP to fuck off


Yes they do. They’ll tell her she’s a nasty shallow bitch and repeatedly shout, “IMAGINE IF A MAN SAID THIS ABOUT HIS WIFE.”

This kind of thing triggers a strong emotional response from a lot of people.

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SimpsonsXmasBoogie · 04/12/2021 22:09

He doesn't sound great. Your updates speak volumes about the dynamic in your household. No wonder you don't feel good about yourself.

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PyongyangKipperbang · 04/12/2021 22:09

There is a massive difference between "I dont find them attractive anymore because of weight gain/bad breath/being grumpy, but I do love them" and "You have let yourself go" in an accusatory way especially when it comes from someone who has also got comfy and stopped putting the effort in,

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EightWheelGirl · 04/12/2021 22:11

It seems people are desperately asking questions in order to find an excuse. In the fat husband thread nobody was asking “Is he the main earner? Does he work a lot of hours?” etc. If some prioritises healthy lifestyle then they’ll more likely be slim than somebody who doesn’t you’d have thought.

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GatoradeMeBitch · 04/12/2021 22:13

I don't think going from a 10-14 and giving up makeup and balayage and eyelash dyeing is a terrible thing when you're running around after a two year old. Seems like a perfectly natural development to me.

With these things there's so often an "if the sexes were reversed" post yet when women do post about their husbands letting themselves go it's because they've turned into 25 stone unwashed sofa dwellers, not gained two sizes.

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Tatapie · 04/12/2021 22:14

@girlmom21

Tell him to fuck off.

Yup.
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GatoradeMeBitch · 04/12/2021 22:14

In the fat husband thread nobody was asking “Is he the main earner? Does he work a lot of hours?” etc.

She's not fat though is she?

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EightWheelGirl · 04/12/2021 22:16

With these things there's so often an "if the sexes were reversed" post yet when women do post about their husbands letting themselves go it's because they've turned into 25 stone unwashed sofa dwellers, not gained two sizes.

Not sure this is strictly true. Statistically, there are more overweight women than men.

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EightWheelGirl · 04/12/2021 22:19

@GatoradeMeBitch

In the fat husband thread nobody was asking “Is he the main earner? Does he work a lot of hours?” etc.

She's not fat though is she?

It was a figure of speech. Point is that people are always inconsistent on here. Like the thread where the OP had come into some money and didn’t want to share it with her husband. She was told she was wise, good to have an ‘escape fund’ etc, but in the reverse it’s always financial abuse.
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WTF475878237NC · 04/12/2021 22:19

I'm kind of on the fence too. My friend married someone who portrayed themselves as quite "put together" if that makes sense. A few years later and the spouse had gradually turned into someone who stopped making any real effort and wouldn't be that bothered about going out dressed up anymore. My friend felt like the person they'd married had been a portrayal of a role almost and the real version only came out once married a little while. They never would have gone for the later version though. So in a way felt cheated.

That clearly isn't what's happened here OP but I suppose there is an element of both of you having an idea of each other and then maybe life has taken you away from that.

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EightWheelGirl · 04/12/2021 22:20

Maybe I just have a different outlook but I’d always want honesty from my partner.

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VikingOnTheFridge · 04/12/2021 22:22

@DillDanding

He could have worded that more kindly.

But, to be honest, if my husband had gained a lot of weight and was slobbing around in his PJs - I would say something.

But do you choose to take the bulk of the time that would be available for exercise for yourself, rather than taking the initiative to look after your preschooler more so your partner can get to the gym too? Because if not, it's a totally different situation.
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CharityDingle · 04/12/2021 22:23

@Embarrassed1987

Thanks all, I’m going to leave it for tonight. But tomorrow I’m going to do as advised.

I’ll explain that I would like more time to myself to go to gym classes etc, but he needs to step up to enable me to do so. I’ll ask for 2 nights a week for him to look after DD from 5pm until bedtime.

OP, if this is something you want to do for YOURSELF, go for it.

I wouldn't be asking tbh. I would be saying, right, I'm going to take up x and y, that's on x and y night. You will be minding DD those nights. And take plenty of time for yourself. It's easy to fall into being the default parent, but the child belongs to both of you. He shouldn't assume that he can prioritise the gym, and leave you 'holding the baby'.
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PigeonLittle · 04/12/2021 22:24

@Keepitonthedownlow

This is just another way for men to control women

This is it really, I doubt OP only dressed and wore make up etc as she did to bag herself a nice man.

She did it because she felt good about herself, enjoyed looking like that, had the finances and time to invest into doing so.

There are only so many hours in a day and parenting a toddler doesnt allow for much frivolity unless it's completely necessary to how you feel.

Priorities change when circumstances do. And frankly, just dumping on your wife that shes "let herself go" aka "letting me down" is gross.

He could have said something like "I've noticed you dont get much me time anymore, would you like your hair cut and coloured for Christmas? I could get you nails as well as a present, I'll take daughter on a great day out to the farm whilst you relax a bit. You're doing a great job and deserve to feel great."
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Veeveeoxox · 04/12/2021 22:27

My OH said this to me infact he said there's a woman coming on to me at work it's really hard not to go for her when you have let yourself go and put on weight this was a few years ago and DD was very young . I was devastated and we separated for 6 months at my request I've lost quite a lot of weight and I'm going to have a breast lift not for him for me and I feel fab while he's slobbering around eating junk food.

Even if you do lose the weight look glam there's the doubt there what if I get sick will he be there for me or does he just want a trophy . Sometimes I regret the decision reconciling your OH has probably had his head turned like mine.

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VikingOnTheFridge · 04/12/2021 22:30

Yes, it's not so much the views about change in appearance here, rather the lack of understanding of his own role in it. If it's important to you that your partner looks a certain way, you need to give them enough of the free time that's available to achieve it.

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PigeonLittle · 04/12/2021 22:31

@Veeveeoxox

My OH said this to me infact he said there's a woman coming on to me at work it's really hard not to go for her when you have let yourself go and put on weight this was a few years ago and DD was very young . I was devastated and we separated for 6 months at my request I've lost quite a lot of weight and I'm going to have a breast lift not for him for me and I feel fab while he's slobbering around eating junk food.

Even if you do lose the weight look glam there's the doubt there what if I get sick will he be there for me or does he just want a trophy . Sometimes I regret the decision reconciling your OH has probably had his head turned like mine.

Are you still with him? Was it out of character?

What an extraordinary thing to say Shock Did he expect that to be useful information to you? The bar is set so low for men!
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EightWheelGirl · 04/12/2021 22:32

I’m also torn when people say it’s selfish prioritising fitness. It’s something I’ll never compromise on because I wouldn’t feel like myself if I got fat. I don’t see it like a hobby, it’s akin to asking somebody to sacrifice their sleep or go without eating. Any partner I have will have to accept it because I’ll sacrifice them before my health.

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DeeCeeCherry · 04/12/2021 22:32

Well, how does he look?!

But years ago after 2 DCs and all the running around, my mum eventually told me I'd let myself go never dressed up or looked nice anymore.

I was so annoyed. Then I realised, it was true. After a while I started looking after nyself more, pampering myself when I could & I felt so much better. Id forgotten 'me'.

Older now I still maintain myself, DP is the same in respect of looking good so, we suit.

I wouldnt leave him if he let himself go but I dont like the slob look so I likely wouldn't fancy him even tho I love him.

Change if you want to. If you don't want to then thats fine.

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NewlyGranny · 04/12/2021 22:35

Rude! When you married him, did you promise to stay a fit size 10 and never change? Did he promise never to grow grey and paunchy?

Or did you promise to love and care for each other through thick and thin? Why is he trying to hold you to an impossible promise you never even made?

But yes, tell him you let go to meet the needs of your joint child while supporting the household financially alongside him. Make some costings of what gym and regular salon appointments will cost, both in money and in his increased time commitment to sole parenting and household chores while you're out taking yourself back in hand.

If it's what you both want, and I'd have jumped at it, personally, when mine were small and I worked part-time, go for it!

How long, I wonder, before he's accusing you of being vain and self-centred? I give it six weeks (aka 12 gym visits, three mani-pedi sessions and two three-figure hair salon appointments. 😉🤷🏼‍♀️

At that point, remind him it's all about what he wanted. And no planking on the crumb-covered kitchen floor or running round the park in the cold, wet dark, either!

Prioritise your fitness and beauty and see how he likes them apples. 😠

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VikingOnTheFridge · 04/12/2021 22:39

@EightWheelGirl

I’m also torn when people say it’s selfish prioritising fitness. It’s something I’ll never compromise on because I wouldn’t feel like myself if I got fat. I don’t see it like a hobby, it’s akin to asking somebody to sacrifice their sleep or go without eating. Any partner I have will have to accept it because I’ll sacrifice them before my health.

I don't think the selfishness lies in prioritising fitness, rather in prioritising yours at the expense of your partner's ability to do the same once there's a small child involved. So the OP shouldn't be having to ask for 2 nights a week. Equal access if desired should be a given.
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Bluntness100 · 04/12/2021 22:39

I think I would not focus on the superficial here op, I doubt this is about what you look like, I think it’s a sign of something deeper he’s unhappy about and having a go.

My guess is he’s looking elsewhere and comparing you to someone else. I’m sorry, I also think he’s trying to make it your fault he’s looking elsewhere,

As said, I don’t think this is about dyeing your hair or getting to thr gym, I think he’s basically indicating something deeper is wrong

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EightWheelGirl · 04/12/2021 22:47

I don't think the selfishness lies in prioritising fitness, rather in prioritising yours at the expense of your partner's ability to do the same once there's a small child involved. So the OP shouldn't be having to ask for 2 nights a week. Equal access if desired should be a given.

Agreed. I was just reflecting on my own outlook.

I agree OP should have equal opportunity to get fit, although I also assumed she wasn’t quite as focused on it due to her mentioning him prioritising it.

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