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Let myself go...DH says
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Embarrassed1987 · 04/12/2021 19:31

DH and I have just had a big row.

He’s been grumpy all afternoon and I asked him what was wrong and he’s just blurted out that he doesn’t understand what’s wrong with me 😔

That I’ve massively let myself go and that I don’t look anything like the woman he married. He’s right I know, which is awful.

I’ve gained weight, I was a size 10 and now a size 14.

My hair is brushed and clean but now my only upkeep is going to the salon every couple of months to get rid of split ends. When we met I’d have balayage and styled my hair regularly.

I rarely wear make up now, when I used to wear the usuals, tinted moisturiser, blush, get my brows and lashes done.

I do dress okay when I’m out and about but tonight I was wearing my big dressing gown and PJs (not very attractive I know)

This has hurt, and I don’t know what to do.

OP's posts:
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Mamabear12 · 21/03/2022 10:50

Has his looks changed? Do you take care of yourself? Meaning eat right and exercise? TBH if my partner got bigger I would be concerned too. But not for his appearance for his health! It puts you at risk for heart disease, diabetes etc. I always gain a lot with each pregnancy (3 kids) and each time 23+ kilos gained! However, each time the weight comes off naturally. But it is probably because I naturally eat a good diet and get exercise walking. I sometimes go to the gym as well. I go to the gym to stay in good health. I am still the same size 8/10 as when we first met. A lot of people let themselves go after having kids and do not lose the weight....but this is bad for the health. As for the other stuff - make up etc...that is just superficial and I would only do it if you want to do it for yourself.

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aylis · 21/03/2022 10:59

I hope you’re going to go to the gym because you want to. When you have a toddler it’s important to spend any down time actually caring for yourself, not resenting it.

Apart from that, where the fuck are you supposed to wear your pjs and dressing and gown if not in your own home with your own family, youre not a fucking decoration

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aylis · 21/03/2022 11:01

Also this phrase ‘letting yourself go’ is absolute bullshit with its roots in pressuring women and making them feel shit about themselves. Get that so far in the bin

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GreenClock · 21/03/2022 11:12

@Fairislefandango

If the OP was always the type to change into PJs and a dressing gown in the evening, and to not get dressed until midday, then that would be one thing. But obviously she didn’t used to dot bad. Didn’t particularly see the appeal of it.

It might be worth reflecting on why some women change their habits and have less time, energy and motivation to spend on their appearance after having a child, while a man often blithely carries on as normal and wonders irritatedly why his wife isn't doing the same.

Because maybe, just maybe... it's because the physical and mental burden of pregnancy, childbirth, childcare and housework have fallen on her (even if she also hasa paid job), while his life continues unchanged. Oh, that and the fact that society's aesthetic expectations of him don't involve a fifth of the upkeep that they involve for women. Does that mean the OP has to be in her pyjamas? No. Does it mean she might feel like what's the point of getting dressed? Probably.

👏🏻 well said
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Shehasadiamondinthesky · 21/03/2022 11:15

I do think it's important to make an effort. When I got married my husband stopped making any effort to clean his teeth or wash or look respectable, I wasn't expecting him to look like a Chippendale just not smell basically. However he would always moan if I had PJs on saying it wasn't "sexy" when I just wanted to be comfortable after work.
I think his communication skills are sadly lacking, it's really awful to sulk all afternoon then come out with that so rudely, he could have been nicer about it.
The happiest people I know are those who make an effort generally but are still happy to sit around in PJs in the evening.
I refuse to be married to anyone who wears great big Homer Simpson slippers though - that's a sigh they've lost the will to live.

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Hotchox · 21/03/2022 11:20

Not going to read 18 pages of 'he can sod off' etc - only you know how upsetting he's being. Assuming he's still as trim and whatnot as when you got together (which is a MASSIVE assumption!!!) and assuming you want to improve how you look for yourself then I'd be tempted to get him to up his share of the housework and other time consuming house organising stuff, while you get to the yoga class/gym/park/hairdressers/nail place/whatever floats your boat.

But yeah, if he's let himself go too, then he needs reminding about stones and glass houses! Berk.

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IncompleteSenten · 21/03/2022 11:50

I wonder what happened after she told him she wanted to take time for herself to go to the gym.

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LakieLady · 21/03/2022 12:04

@NellieBertram

Definitely sounds like you need to start taking a lie in on a Saturday morning, then going for a swim and a trip to the salon!

Couple of evening exercise classes too while he does dinner and bedtime?

I was going to suggest a spa break actually, the OP is obviously knackered from looking after toddler all the time and needs complete rest to get her pre-baby looks back.

Book yourself an overnight trip one weekend, OP, and leave your DP to look after DD while you look after yourself. If you're in the SE, this place is rather nice and a bit more easy going than a spa hotel.

poppingholefarmspaandcottages.co.uk//spabreaks/
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Yummymummy2020 · 21/03/2022 12:09

To be honest I’m in a similar boat, two babies in two years and up a few dress sizes with minimal time to do more than a blow dry of my hair. I was, pre babies what I’m happy to admit as high maintenance with nails and lashes done at the salon but I neither have the money or time for that now. I second the poster that asked is he pulling his weight at home because in order to exercise properly aside from walks with the buggy you need free time for you! It’s so hard when kids are small. To me, he sounds like a dick. You can’t do it all with young kids without a bit of help. And furthermore, you are not under obligation to maintain appearances for him unless you want to.

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MarieIVanArkleStinks · 21/03/2022 12:09

@drpet49

I’d be glad my partner could be that honest with me.

Sure you would.
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Lizzy53 · 21/03/2022 12:13

A size 14 is not fat! You have lot on your plate too.is he a good husband and shares his responsibilities? If your grooming habits are good like bathing and teeth cleaning and deodorising and clean clothes then I can't see a problem.he needs to get over himself!

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TheOrigRights · 21/03/2022 12:15

@Lizzy53

A size 14 is not fat! You have lot on your plate too.is he a good husband and shares his responsibilities? If your grooming habits are good like bathing and teeth cleaning and deodorising and clean clothes then I can't see a problem.he needs to get over himself!

If the OP was previously a size 10, then assuming this was a healthy size for her, a 14 is quite likely to be overweight.
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Rosehugger · 21/03/2022 13:00

Bottom end of the BMI range is size 8 for me, top end is 12/14. I am at the top end, was really very slim at the bottom end when I got married.

After two kids, it has been a struggle to be anywhere near normal BMI, I have endometriosis and I was at the top end of BMI when I was 16 year old so being there at 46 is quite the fucking feat. I've always exercised and tried to eat healthily, just that eating healthily in my 30s and 40s involves eating (and drinking) a good deal less than when I was 9 and a half stone in my 20s, so it's not exactly easy, and if anyone said I'd let myself go they'd get a punch in the gob.

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JennyHogon · 21/03/2022 13:18

A genuine suggestion of a spa break on MN. I've not seen one of those in a while. Grin

Do you own that spa, by any chance? @LakieLady

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tkwal · 21/03/2022 13:25

You have a daughter together, you work 3 days a week, I take it she goes to nursery those 3 days. ?. I would suggest that you tell him from now on Saturday mornings are going to be your time. Balayage takes ages, so that's 1 Saturday per month gone. Lashes and brows need regular upkeep too , so there's another one or two, keeping up with fashion ,well those clothes don't try themselves on, and possibly a mani-pedi..oh and how about joining a gym or yoga or pilates? Maybe the days you have your DD all day, will allow you to focus on "bringing yourself back"?. I'm not seriously suggesting you actually have let yourself go or that you need to do all of the above but you do need to have some you time. Write out the list and show it to him. I'd love to be a fly on the wall when you do

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NoEffingWay · 21/03/2022 13:57

He is being an arse. I am 100% not the same as I was 20 years ago, the difference being that childbirth messes your body up. He needs to give you some time to not be 'Mum' and to be you Thanks

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bozzabollix · 21/03/2022 14:29

To the people going on about someone being a size 14, really? You do realise that a size 16 is the average in this country? It’s hardly massive.

Women are literally other women’s enemy, I’m wondering how the OP felt after been dragged down by firstly her husband then a load of 1950’s types on Mumsnet.

Toddlers are bloody hard work, going for a walk with a toddler is an exercise in snails pace, you’re hardly getting in a load of cardiac exercise. And if fucking useless husband is prioritising his fitness you can bet there isn’t much time left over to prioritise hers.

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ImWearingReallyJudgyPants · 21/03/2022 14:54

Size 16 being the average seems to give some people licence to think that being overweight is ok. If I were a size 14, I would be as broad as I would be high. There's nothing 1950s about not wanting to be fat, and having a toddler is no reason to be overweight.

I'd have no truck with a man who wanted me to wear make-up, though.

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Momijin · 21/03/2022 15:01

'If the OP was previously a size 10, then assuming this was a healthy size for her, a 14 is quite likely to be overweight.'

No it isn't! I'd say it is pretty normal. I was a size 10 when younger and now a 12-14 depending on if I've gained or lost a few kilos. As are many of my friends and they all look great, they're active and they're healthy.

It is very easy when you don't have kids to look after to prioritise yourself, not so much when you have kids and especially, like many of us, have kids with arseholes who don't lift a finger and go to the gym and then have a go at their wives for not looking like a gym bunny. Bet none of them are saying, here let me clean the house and loo after the kids whilst you go to the gym and then make sure you splash out on yourself and get some nice clothes and do your hair.

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Nothappyatwork · 21/03/2022 15:02

The truth is though you will never burn off more calories than when you’ve got a toddler. I look back on those days and my arse didn’t touch the seat from 6 am in the morning until 8 o’clock at night so if you can’t do it now you never will.

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TheOrigRights · 21/03/2022 15:55

@Momijin

'If the OP was previously a size 10, then assuming this was a healthy size for her, a 14 is quite likely to be overweight.'

No it isn't! I'd say it is pretty normal. I was a size 10 when younger and now a 12-14 depending on if I've gained or lost a few kilos. As are many of my friends and they all look great, they're active and they're healthy.

It is very easy when you don't have kids to look after to prioritise yourself, not so much when you have kids and especially, like many of us, have kids with arseholes who don't lift a finger and go to the gym and then have a go at their wives for not looking like a gym bunny. Bet none of them are saying, here let me clean the house and loo after the kids whilst you go to the gym and then make sure you splash out on yourself and get some nice clothes and do your hair.

Yes, fair enough. I was thinking about myself. I know if I became a size 14 that would not be a healthy size for me.
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TheOrigRights · 21/03/2022 16:00

@bozzabollix

To the people going on about someone being a size 14, really? You do realise that a size 16 is the average in this country? It’s hardly massive.

Women are literally other women’s enemy, I’m wondering how the OP felt after been dragged down by firstly her husband then a load of 1950’s types on Mumsnet.

Toddlers are bloody hard work, going for a walk with a toddler is an exercise in snails pace, you’re hardly getting in a load of cardiac exercise. And if fucking useless husband is prioritising his fitness you can bet there isn’t much time left over to prioritise hers.

Sorry, that was me. Although the OP does say she doesn't look anything like the woman he married and then said she's gone from a 10 to a 14.
I took from this that, for her frame, a 10 was her healthy size/weight.

I assume that if the toddler is only 2, then we're not talking about 45 years of marriage, but maybe a woman in her 30s.

Am I wrong in thinking that the weight gain that would lead to an increase in 2 dress sizes is likely to mean the OP is now overweight?
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Sushi7 · 21/03/2022 16:20

@bozzabollix You do realise that a size 16 is the average in this country? It’s hardly massive.

63% of adults in the U.K. are either overweight or obese. I would say a size 16 is overweight, maybe even obese, unless you are really tall or a bodybuilder.

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Clarabe1 · 21/03/2022 16:24

A size 16 usually indicates you are overweight. That’s not me being nasty, thats just the truth. There will be a few tall broad women who are naturally bigger but they will be in the minority. A size 10 is not skinny - it’s a normal weight.

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Nothappyatwork · 21/03/2022 16:48

I’d also add that I am apparently a size 10 now but I can’t get into my size 14 jeans from 2000
We are all doomed and fat

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