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Let myself go...DH says
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Embarrassed1987 · 04/12/2021 19:31

DH and I have just had a big row.

He’s been grumpy all afternoon and I asked him what was wrong and he’s just blurted out that he doesn’t understand what’s wrong with me 😔

That I’ve massively let myself go and that I don’t look anything like the woman he married. He’s right I know, which is awful.

I’ve gained weight, I was a size 10 and now a size 14.

My hair is brushed and clean but now my only upkeep is going to the salon every couple of months to get rid of split ends. When we met I’d have balayage and styled my hair regularly.

I rarely wear make up now, when I used to wear the usuals, tinted moisturiser, blush, get my brows and lashes done.

I do dress okay when I’m out and about but tonight I was wearing my big dressing gown and PJs (not very attractive I know)

This has hurt, and I don’t know what to do.

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RedLemon · 04/12/2021 19:46

Just saw your update. You have a 2 year old- enough said mate. Tell him to get back to you when your DD is 5. Flowers we none of us are at our pinnacles at that stage.
My two are 5 & 7 and I feel like I’m finally myself and happy with myself again for the past 6 months or so.

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DrSbaitso · 04/12/2021 19:46

@Embarrassed1987

I just don’t have the same time that I used to, we have a daughter who is 2 and she takes up a huge amount of time. So much so that some days I’m still in PJs at noon on the days she’s not at nursery (I work 3 days a week) and am a SAHM when not working.

I would like to lose weight, and I do dress nicely when we go out, do hair and makeup etc) but that’s not often at the moment!

You're not answering whether he still looks like he did when you married, and which of you has more free time.
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Embarrassed1987 · 04/12/2021 19:48

@DrSbaitso

He does look pretty similar, a few more winkies but still goes to the gym etc.

Neither of us have loads of free time with DD, but he has prioritised the gym in the time he does have.

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Scotabroad24 · 04/12/2021 19:48

This is awful to read. I'd be devastated if my DH said this to me.

Surely it's part and parcel of growing older together and being comfortable with each other.

I spend most days in leggings and jumpers, then my pj's as I'm a SAHM and often feel sad that I don't look like I used to but my DH tells me I'm beautiful no matter how I look!

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Embarrassed1987 · 04/12/2021 19:49

*wrinkles! Damn autocorrect

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1Dandelion1 · 04/12/2021 19:49

If he's that worried, he needs to pull his finger out and do more around the home to allow you some free time to take care of personal care needs (what ever tou feel you need beauty/exercise etc).

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arethereanyleftatall · 04/12/2021 19:49

If you don't have the same time, and YOU would like balayage or whatever the word was again, then use this to your advantage! Next Saturday 9am 'dp, I'm off to have my hair and nails done. Like you wanted. And to go to the gym to get fit. Like you wanted. I'll be back at 7pm'

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drpet49 · 04/12/2021 19:50

I’d be glad my partner could be that honest with me.

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MeltedButter · 04/12/2021 19:50

Tell him how his comments have made you feel.

Maybe ask him to pay for your hair to be done and forbhin to look after your daughter while you get it down.

Ask him to look after your daughter more in the mornings so that you can do your make up. Obviously only if you want to.

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4amstarts · 04/12/2021 19:50

I've got young kids - 1 year old twins in fact and I do manage to get shower and dressed etc when they aren't at childcare - it's unfair of him to be grumpy at you because of his perceived "letting yourself go" but I do admit to feeling irrationally fed up with DH when he was going through a stage of having a bushy beard and also put on weight. I would never have mentioned his weight but I did tell him I hated his beard

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girafferafferaffe · 04/12/2021 19:50

You go to the hairdresser a damn sight more than I do mate! You've got a 2 year old and he needs to stfu with his judging unless he's going to step up.

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DrSbaitso · 04/12/2021 19:51

[quote Embarrassed1987]@DrSbaitso

He does look pretty similar, a few more winkies but still goes to the gym etc.

Neither of us have loads of free time with DD, but he has prioritised the gym in the time he does have.[/quote]
I realise you're a SAHM, but does he do his share when he's at home?

It's easier to prioritise the gym when you've got energy and aren't ground down.

Oh, and he didn't go through the permanent body change of growing and delivering a human. He is aware that pregnancy is a bit different to nine months of eating pizza and curry?

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Coyoacan · 04/12/2021 19:53

Since a key part of attraction is what people look like it’s not unreasonable to have feelings if how your spouse looks changes a lot

I don't know if I agree with that. Personally I would not initiallly fancy someone who was overweight, I don't really see the people I love objectively.

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NellieBertram · 04/12/2021 19:54

Definitely sounds like you need to start taking a lie in on a Saturday morning, then going for a swim and a trip to the salon!

Couple of evening exercise classes too while he does dinner and bedtime?

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PotteringAlong · 04/12/2021 19:54

But…

…why are you not getting dressed when you have 1 2 year old to look after? I don’t dispute that looking after small children can take a massive amount of time, but not so much that you cannot throw some clothes on before midday.

The make up and the hair is a non-issue for me (but I didn’t do those things before I had kids) but the not getting dressed seems to be a bit concerning.

Is there a possibility he’s actually concerned about you and is expressing it badly?

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NellieBertram · 04/12/2021 19:56

@PotteringAlong

But…

…why are you not getting dressed when you have 1 2 year old to look after? I don’t dispute that looking after small children can take a massive amount of time, but not so much that you cannot throw some clothes on before midday.

The make up and the hair is a non-issue for me (but I didn’t do those things before I had kids) but the not getting dressed seems to be a bit concerning.

Is there a possibility he’s actually concerned about you and is expressing it badly?

Sometimes I stay in my pjs or have a lazy morning when off work - I'd imagine lots of people do?
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LjSebs · 04/12/2021 19:56

Urgh, I think he is being totally unreasonable. Tell him to go through a pregnancy and childbirth and see how much he would change. Physically and mentally.

I would be so upset if my husband said that to me and I would be disappointed that he was so narrow minded.

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girlmom21 · 04/12/2021 19:56

So much so that some days I’m still in PJs at noon on the days she’s not at nursery (I work 3 days a week) and am a SAHM when not working.

I'm on your side but I don't see how you're unable to get dressed before noon with a 2 year old

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Hankunamatata · 04/12/2021 19:57

Is this really his issue or just a deflection so you leave him alone

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MrsSkylerWhite · 04/12/2021 19:57

Kind of on the fence. When we met, 33 years ago, husband was fat. I was a size 10 and looking back at photos beautiful. I fell in love with him very quickly because he was the loveliest person I’d ever met. He was also handsome (but would have been more so if he had been slimmer).

All of these years on, I’ve been thin, fat, thin, fat, you get the idea. He loves me, whatever, but I do think that if people fall in love with someone who then changes dramatically physically, it takes genuine love and someone pretty special to not care either way.

That aside, I feel much better in myself if my weight is healthy.

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AssassinatedBeauty · 04/12/2021 19:57

I'd be disappointed that he thinks the balayage and makeup are what makes you 'you' and not what you look like without all that and who you are as a person.

I agree with everyone else that if he wants you to have the grooming/fitness regime that you did as a younger woman without a child then he needs to facilitate you having the time to do that. But given his attitude I'd be seriously reconsidering what I felt about him and the relationship. What will he do when you are another 10, 20, years older? Expect you to have plastic surgery??

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LoveGrooveDanceParty · 04/12/2021 19:58

You can, as PP have suggested, tell him to ‘fuck off’, sure.

Not sure it will help.

I don’t think he has gone about this in any sort of kind or constructive way at all. I mean, seriously, how stupid is he?

But, if DH was slobbing out in PJs and a dressing gown, or not getting dressed until midday, I would be internally judging him a bit for it. I mean, how hard is it just to get dressed?

And the problem is that once you’re ‘internally judging’ your partner, your relationship isn’t in a good space.

Have a think about what you want, and then talk about it together. Tell him how he’s made you feel, and go from there.

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DrSbaitso · 04/12/2021 19:58

Sorry, I misread...thought you were a SAHM.

Point still stands. Do you both have equal amounts of free time? Share night wakings, weekend lie ins, housework etc?

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Hercisback · 04/12/2021 19:59

He's rude and should consider his role in child rearing to give you time to take care of yourself.

I do agree with PPs that being unable to dress by noon with one 2yo is a bit extreme unless SEN.

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Crimsonripple · 04/12/2021 20:00

Tell the teat to fuck off! Having a toddler is draining enough without his dick comments. I don't have the energy anymore to faff about 'looking pretty' - surviving the day on lack of decent sleep is a win for me!

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