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Let myself go...DH says
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Embarrassed1987 · 04/12/2021 19:31

DH and I have just had a big row.

He’s been grumpy all afternoon and I asked him what was wrong and he’s just blurted out that he doesn’t understand what’s wrong with me 😔

That I’ve massively let myself go and that I don’t look anything like the woman he married. He’s right I know, which is awful.

I’ve gained weight, I was a size 10 and now a size 14.

My hair is brushed and clean but now my only upkeep is going to the salon every couple of months to get rid of split ends. When we met I’d have balayage and styled my hair regularly.

I rarely wear make up now, when I used to wear the usuals, tinted moisturiser, blush, get my brows and lashes done.

I do dress okay when I’m out and about but tonight I was wearing my big dressing gown and PJs (not very attractive I know)

This has hurt, and I don’t know what to do.

OP's posts:
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Greenrubber · 04/12/2021 20:24

It sounds like you have not tried to lose any weight so either your not bothered by your new shape or you can't be arsed to lose it

Either way if my husband put on that much weight I would say something to him because I would not find him as attractive especially if it was the can't be arsed reason as its just lazy and I would feel he didn't care anymore

Unless there is an underlying issue depression for example then why have you not bothered to lose the weight?

I think with make up etc your priorities change but it's still nice to look good for yourself and your partner

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Aderyn21 · 04/12/2021 20:25

When men say these things it does make you wonder what they'd be like if you got seriously ill - would they stick around, be supportive and love you or is their love conditional? Only you can assess this really.

For a starter you need to ensure going forward that you have the same amount of free time that he gets - he doesn't get to slope off to the gym and leave you with the baby or not do his share of night wakings, meal prep, housework. You take the time (and the money) to make yourself feel good.

You also need to tell him how hurtful his comments are - his reaction will tell you what sort of partner he is. He could be clumsy and concerned or he could be a shallow dick. If you haven't been unhappy, or expressing dissatisfaction to him about yourself, then him being critical that you can't maintain pre baby 'standards' is not a good sign!

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Restart10 · 04/12/2021 20:25

That was cruel of him. Acting grumpy and letting you wonder what's going on, only to be told something is wrong with you. Unbelievable.

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arethereanyleftatall · 04/12/2021 20:27

@Embarrassed1987

Thanks all, I’m going to leave it for tonight. But tomorrow I’m going to do as advised.

I’ll explain that I would like more time to myself to go to gym classes etc, but he needs to step up to enable me to do so. I’ll ask for 2 nights a week for him to look after DD from 5pm until bedtime.

What?

You're both this child's parents aren't you?

As you're both working, why are you not doing 3 or 4 nights each a week anyway?
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Aderyn21 · 04/12/2021 20:29

The other thought which occurred is that he's had his head turned. Picking at you and suddenly becoming critical can indicate that he's comparing you unfavourably.

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DrSbaitso · 04/12/2021 20:31

@Embarrassed1987

Thanks all, I’m going to leave it for tonight. But tomorrow I’m going to do as advised.

I’ll explain that I would like more time to myself to go to gym classes etc, but he needs to step up to enable me to do so. I’ll ask for 2 nights a week for him to look after DD from 5pm until bedtime.

So he hadn't worked out that he needs to take your child to give you time to go to the gym?

Is he certifiably thick?
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Butterfly44 · 04/12/2021 20:34

What previous poster said. You wouldn't think twice to criticise when your happy. What's he comparing you to? There's a big difference in giving a criticism or being concerned in a caring manner. No one stays the same as they were.

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sassbott · 04/12/2021 20:35

OP.

Pyjamas until midday with a 2 year old? Seriously? Not going to lie, I’d find that hugely unattractive in a partner and I’d be worried that it pointed to something wider and underlying. It’s not the weight per se. Or the clothing. It’s the get up and go/ purpose/ happiness.

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Tal45 · 04/12/2021 20:35

That's just mean, has he not changed at all? do you pick apart the way he looks now? What you need to do is tell him how hurt you are by his comments and tell him you thought he loved you for who you were not just the way you look.

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JingleJangler · 04/12/2021 20:37

So much so that some days I’m still in PJs at noon on the days she’s not at nursery (I work 3 days a week) and am a SAHM when not working

That sounds like pure laziness. I have two and they are we are all up and dressed by mid morning. All the people on here saying you should tell him to "fuck off" are not helpful.

Only you know the truth here.

Stay at home mum is not an excuse for apathy.

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FreeBritnee · 04/12/2021 20:40

So he has prioritised the gym and you have prioritised your child. Extremely common scenario.

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FreeBritnee · 04/12/2021 20:41

@JingleJangler

So much so that some days I’m still in PJs at noon on the days she’s not at nursery (I work 3 days a week) and am a SAHM when not working

That sounds like pure laziness. I have two and they are we are all up and dressed by mid morning. All the people on here saying you should tell him to "fuck off" are not helpful.

Only you know the truth here.

Stay at home mum is not an excuse for apathy.

Oh be quiet. Do not project your life onto someone else based on the scantest of details.
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Helpstopthepain · 04/12/2021 20:43

Your husband would hate me! I have gone up 2 dress sizes, some days I go from scrubs to pjs and I’m really stupidly happy Grin

Be who you are happy with, not what he feels you should be.

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Aderyn21 · 04/12/2021 20:44

It's perfectly okay to not be dressed until noon sometimes, when you have a small child and work pt. It's not a character flaw or indicative of laziness, to have relaxed mornings when you don't have to be at work or nursery at a specific time.
OP might still be getting broken sleep, some toddlers are incredibly demanding or perhaps she'd just like to have a relaxed morning and play with her baby, when there's nowhere urgent to be!

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me4real · 04/12/2021 20:44

It sounds like you have not tried to lose any weight so either your not bothered by your new shape or you can't be arsed to lose it

Most people don't find it that easy at some point though, especially if they have a young child.

Either way if my husband put on that much weight

From a 10 to a 14 is what, about two stone max? About a stone and a half on me (5ft 4) maybe.

I’ll explain that I would like more time to myself to go to gym classes etc, but he needs to step up to enable me to do so. I’ll ask for 2 nights a week for him to look after DD from 5pm until bedtime.

I'm trying not to laugh at what I imagine will be his response. Hope I'm overly cynical. Good luck OP. He will also have to keep it up, not just do it for a couple of weeks. So you'll need to be firm and insist on the new routine continuing.

The gym can be hard to stick with- find a form of exercise you 'enjoy' (compared to other types.) For instance I prefer exercise classes to the gym machines. Pokemon Go can make walking less boring, not that the weather's inviting at the mo.

Best wishes

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Meowenstein · 04/12/2021 20:46

So much so that some days I’m still in PJs at noon on the days she’s not at nursery (I work 3 days a week) and am a SAHM when not working

You only have one child, who is not a small baby, what do you actually do that makes you so busy you don’t have time to get dressed until noon..?

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grapewine · 04/12/2021 20:46

He wasn't kind about it, but there are countless women on here saying they don't find their partners attractive after weight gain, and they're often agreed with.

Hope you talk to him.

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5128gap · 04/12/2021 20:46

Its all very well people telling you he's wrong and their DH isn't like that, but given you're not married to them or their H's, its irrelevant.
In a nutshell, you need to decide which is the most important to you. Your right to look however you please, or him liking the way you look. As unfortunately at the moment, they seem mutually exclusive.

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Confusedteacher · 04/12/2021 20:47

We’re normally in PJs at noon if we don’t have to go out! Perfectly normal here!

OP, from what you’ve said, absolutely carve out some time for yourself and go to the gym etc, but only if you want to. Don’t do it for this fuckwit.

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Pascal80 · 04/12/2021 20:47

Men are visually driven. They fall in love with what they see. If you choose to be in nightclothes at noon and don't take 5 minutes to put some make up on, don't be surprised if DH notices and doesn't like it.
It doesn't matter if it's ''fair'' or not - that's the way it is. You turn that against him by demanding he do more child care to go to the gym. The gym is nothing to do with the problem.

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MushMonster · 04/12/2021 20:48

If you want to spend more time on your appearance because it will make you feel better, then do so.
But not for him.
For me, it does make me feel better about myself if I dedicate some time to myself.
At present, I am focusing on gym and weight loss.
But, I could not go to the gym with a 2 year old. More walks, and better diet with smaller portions will help you. I also try to dance a bit at home, which may work well with a 2 year old. Swimming?
Styling your hair sounds like something you loved before. Go for it!
I do love to just have my dressing gown or pjs at home. Failing that, leggings and comfy tshirt or jumper.
But nobody should be making you feel bad about yourself. He is wrong there. He needs to help you more.

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IsThePopeCatholic · 04/12/2021 20:50

What a superficial twat. Tell him to get his priorities right.

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MintyGreenDream · 04/12/2021 20:56

I still found 5 mins for make up and then to get dressed with a toddler.Youll feel better if you make an effort for yourself if no-one else.

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chickenpie1984 · 04/12/2021 20:58

I've read your update and I think that's great that you're going to make more time for yourself.

I was going to ask how you feel in yourself? To me that's the most important thing. If you're happy as you are then fine, but if not change it.

Personally I need to get washed every day, put a bit of make up on, do my hair and get dressed. I was sick/ isolating for 3 weeks (isolating with dc before I became positive) and as I could've leave house I didn't do the above things. I felt like shit and got really down. As soon as isolation was over and I had a reason to groom myself and leave the house I felt 100% better.

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lightisnotwhite · 04/12/2021 20:59

Presumably all that upkeep before was important to you. If someone had said “ why bother” you’d have had an answer. You have got together with someone who appreciates that vibe.


What’s changed. Loads of women never wear make up or get treatments other than a special occasion. Is the problem you want to go back to old you or that you no longer want to be arsed with it all?

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