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Let myself go...DH says
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Embarrassed1987 · 04/12/2021 19:31

DH and I have just had a big row.

He’s been grumpy all afternoon and I asked him what was wrong and he’s just blurted out that he doesn’t understand what’s wrong with me 😔

That I’ve massively let myself go and that I don’t look anything like the woman he married. He’s right I know, which is awful.

I’ve gained weight, I was a size 10 and now a size 14.

My hair is brushed and clean but now my only upkeep is going to the salon every couple of months to get rid of split ends. When we met I’d have balayage and styled my hair regularly.

I rarely wear make up now, when I used to wear the usuals, tinted moisturiser, blush, get my brows and lashes done.

I do dress okay when I’m out and about but tonight I was wearing my big dressing gown and PJs (not very attractive I know)

This has hurt, and I don’t know what to do.

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PerpetualStudent · 04/12/2021 20:00

Wow, I was also a size 10 when I met DP and a 14 now (2 kids and a pandemic down the line). DP constantly tells me how gorgeous he finds me - I’m much more critical of my body than he is!! Your DP’s attitude is awful!

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girafferafferaffe · 04/12/2021 20:04

Honestly if I didn't have to go to work every day I'd stay in my PJs as well. Not judging you for that op! Even if I was going to get dressed if the plan was to stay at home it's just be tracksuit bottoms and a big T-shirt or jumper so hardly much of a step up from pjs!

It's unfair for him to expect you to look exactly the same as you used to.

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RobotValkyrie · 04/12/2021 20:05

Neither of us have loads of free time with DD, but he has prioritised the gym in the time he does have.

So he's a selfish dick, then?
Tell him if he's that bothered, he can look after after your DD while you go to the hair dresser, enjoy a yoga class, or go shopping for flattering new clothes.
Maybe also ask him to mansplain how long it took him to shift the baby weight last time he got pregnant.

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Sleepinghyena · 04/12/2021 20:05

Never mind let yourself go.. you need to let him go, the knob!
How completely unreasonable of you not to put a full face of makeup on for him - not!

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violetskiss · 04/12/2021 20:07

I think his way of expressing himself stinks and would be upset/angry but I do really feel like you’ll feel better in yourself if you get dressed on your non-working days. I got into a really bad routine during the Jan/Feb lockdown of just dressing in jogging bottoms and it made me feel just the worst. I hated how I felt.

My mum was a SAHM of one, and she always said that she thought it was part of her “work” to make sure she and I were clean and dressed and looking nice for when my Dad got home from work. I think this is a pretty 1950’s attitude in so many ways but at the same time, she attributes that outlook to why she didn’t struggle with new motherhood. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but I do know that faking it till you make it does sometimes work!

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Summerfun54321 · 04/12/2021 20:08

How much time is he spending at the gym each week? And how much time did you use to spend on your appearance getting reading in the morning before kids? Add those two together and tell him you need that time to yourself each week child free to work on yourself. (I’m not saying you need to but if he refuses you enough of your own time, what the hell does he expect).

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tarasmalatarocks · 04/12/2021 20:08

Is it that he wants you to actually get dressed and not be around in PJs and maybe lose a few pounds, or is it that he wants you permanently fully made up , gym level toned and with glamour model hair etc , even at home ?? Because if it’s the2nd one that’s going to be a very hard one to keep up in life, it takes time , energy and certainly money and you have to be the kind of person that’s constantly ‘on it’ as a priority— does he want a wife and mum or just some kind of dolled up bit of stuff on his arm— I would have a good think about this because what if you were ill etc and your looks changed a lot- could he hack that??

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thenewduchessofhastings · 04/12/2021 20:08

Is he going to pay for thé up keep of your hair/brows/lashes and buy your new clothes?

Is he going to provide childcare or do more around the house to free up the time for you to go to the gym/hair dressers/beauty salon?

Do you have equal finances and leisure time?

Is he doing his fair share?

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violetskiss · 04/12/2021 20:08

He really shouldn’t be making you feel bad though, especially after being rude to you all day. That’s not the way to have constructive conversations in marriage with someone you love. I’m so sorry he was so rude.

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diddl · 04/12/2021 20:10

Is it just the not getting dressed that bothers him?

Have you been dressed today but have had a bath/shower so put pjs on?

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Lasair · 04/12/2021 20:10

@Embarrassed1987

You’ve no reason to be embarrassed. Yes he may prioritise the gym but his body hasn’t grown a baby which has big changes on the body. Be kind to yourself. Be healthy don’t worry about weight.

He needs to cop himself on.

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Welshgal85 · 04/12/2021 20:12

Has he always been this rude and hurtful? If my DP said that to me I’d be so upset! Firstly you have a child, that makes your body change and the amount of spare time available. If he is concerned about your health he could have discussed with you in a more tactful way like suggest you both do some more active things as a family, could cook healthy meals together, he could swap one night at the gym to look after DC so you could do something for you. He sounds very judgemental, I’m sorry he is being so hurtful. What did you say in response to him?

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Animood · 04/12/2021 20:13

I wouldn't say going up 2 dress sizes is a massive deal. I mean you've had a baby and your life has changed. Size 14 isn't exactly huge.

What do you want OP? Do you want more time to go to the gym? Do you want time to go to the salon? Or are you happy how you are?

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SweetBabyCheeses99 · 04/12/2021 20:14

Well it’s not so much what he said as the way he said it for me….he was rude to you all afternoon, he rowed with you, upset you and is clearly unable to empathise about what might be “wrong” with you - which is nothing by the way, you’re just not frozen in time!
If he was a nice man he could’ve broached this sensitively and perhaps offered to take care of the food shopping, meal planning and cooking healthy family meals. Maybe suggest some outdoor activities you could do as a family or offer to “babysit” so that you can have free time for the gym too.

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Donebeingitchy · 04/12/2021 20:15

Its not necessarily what he said but how he said it.

There is nothing wrong with being honest to your partner however there is no need to drag you down in the process

Its not particulary encouraging or motivating.

He could of worded it much more nicely, postively and come up with an action plan to support you getting back to your best self. E.g: how about i take DD out on x day and you can spend it self pampering, going for a jog/ walk, beauty treatment.

Also it sounds like your partner is picking at this for himself more so than for your best interest. If it was a matter of you being obese and him being concerned for your health that is one thing. But it just sounds like he is sulking because you arent putting in as much effort and therefore he doesnt consider you as attractive. Thats a dick move. You are not there to simply visually appease him. He is simply concered about himself here.

Dont feel so bad about his comments op and worry about him and how he is feeling towards this all when he clearly didnt consider you in the way he conveyed himself

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Chasingaftermidnight · 04/12/2021 20:15

Is this one of those situations where the woman holds down a job as well as doing the majority of the housework and childcare, while the man prioritises his health and appearance, then the man complains that his wife doesn’t look exactly like she did when they got married?

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Glassofshloer · 04/12/2021 20:15

Hmmm.

I have seen a few ‘no longer attracted to my husband’ threads on here where the man has gained weight & stopped putting effort in, and nobody tells the OP to fuck off 🤷🏼‍♀️

Attraction does matter - if you’ve gained a lot of weight and spend most days in PJs, if I’m being honest I sort of understand where he is coming from. That said he did put it in a very insensitive and mean way.

I would be tempted to say, fine, 2 evenings a week you look after DD & I will go to the gym/swim/aerobics and then do a home beauty treatment. Get some you time while you’re at it. Win-win?

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me4real · 04/12/2021 20:15

I’ve gained weight, I was a size 10 and now a size 14.

@Embarrassed1987 I don't think this is massive OP. It's within the sort of normal gain or fluctuations people have. You could lose it if you wanted. At a couple of dress sizes larger, you're not going to look unrecognisable or hideous or anything.

I think he's being quite mean.

Neither of us have loads of free time with DD, but he has prioritised the gym in the time he does have.

I bet he can only do that because of what you do with your LO.

If he's that keen for you to get in shape, he could look after your DC while you went for a walk or to the gym etc (if you want to.)

You're probably not even overweight, at least not significantly.

Do you think you might be a bit down and that's contributing to you not having as much energy to do 'fuckability mandates,' hair looks etc? He shouldn't be being a twat about whether you do that or not. You probably have less disposable income than you used to for that sort of thing, and definitely less time and energy. Your priorities will have changed with a LO.

I don't think he sounds very nice.

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Locomelon · 04/12/2021 20:19

@RedLemon

Just saw your update. You have a 2 year old- enough said mate. Tell him to get back to you when your DD is 5. Flowers we none of us are at our pinnacles at that stage.
My two are 5 & 7 and I feel like I’m finally myself and happy with myself again for the past 6 months or so.

This!! Exactly this. If he's lucky enough to still be around in a few years time he might see a different you. I have a 2 year old. Look like a foot for 99% of the time. I know I've (temporarily) let myself go. My DH tells me I'm beautiful every day.
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LostForIdeas · 04/12/2021 20:19

[quote Embarrassed1987]@DrSbaitso

He does look pretty similar, a few more winkies but still goes to the gym etc.

Neither of us have loads of free time with DD, but he has prioritised the gym in the time he does have.[/quote]
What are you prioritising in your free time, as in yourREAL free time with no child at all?

Do you have any?
The same amount that he does?
How much work is he doing around the house etc…

Because I tel you what, it’s easy to grumble and tell you that ‘you’ve let yourself go’ when your life has hardly changed, you still go to the gym, can have a shower in peace etc… vs when your life has been tuned upside down.

My answer to him would be
‘Oh yes you’re right. I need to go the gym again so from tomorrow you are in charge of the whole of evening routine whilst imo to the gym. I will also go to the hairdresser every 4 weeks. You might not be able to due to the cost’ etc…

Once you have a baby you have choices to make and it sound s like you have chosen your dd and he has chosen himself.

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DillDanding · 04/12/2021 20:21

He could have worded that more kindly.

But, to be honest, if my husband had gained a lot of weight and was slobbing around in his PJs - I would say something.

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Meowenstein · 04/12/2021 20:21

He does look pretty similar

Yeah, but did he give birth to a child?

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VaccineSticker · 04/12/2021 20:22

You don’t need the gym to look good. Exercise is free, make it a point to put your toddler in the pushchair and go for a fast pace walking on your days off.
Focus on your diet and food portions.
A healthy weight and diet is great for the body and soul regardless whether he likes how you look or not.
But to all people telling him to fuck off, he was honest with her, and didn’t go behind her back and see other woman. He loves her and he’s honest. I don’t know why you take it the wrong way.
However it all depends on the manner and tone of the husband. I’m assuming he said it in a kind manner.

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Embarrassed1987 · 04/12/2021 20:22

Thanks all, I’m going to leave it for tonight. But tomorrow I’m going to do as advised.

I’ll explain that I would like more time to myself to go to gym classes etc, but he needs to step up to enable me to do so. I’ll ask for 2 nights a week for him to look after DD from 5pm until bedtime.

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Meowenstein · 04/12/2021 20:23

But wearing PJ’s all or most of the day I would not like.

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