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AIBU?

Let myself go...DH says

457 replies

Embarrassed1987 · 04/12/2021 19:31

DH and I have just had a big row.

He’s been grumpy all afternoon and I asked him what was wrong and he’s just blurted out that he doesn’t understand what’s wrong with me 😔

That I’ve massively let myself go and that I don’t look anything like the woman he married. He’s right I know, which is awful.

I’ve gained weight, I was a size 10 and now a size 14.

My hair is brushed and clean but now my only upkeep is going to the salon every couple of months to get rid of split ends. When we met I’d have balayage and styled my hair regularly.

I rarely wear make up now, when I used to wear the usuals, tinted moisturiser, blush, get my brows and lashes done.

I do dress okay when I’m out and about but tonight I was wearing my big dressing gown and PJs (not very attractive I know)

This has hurt, and I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
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Fairislefandango · 21/03/2022 08:25

If the OP was always the type to change into PJs and a dressing gown in the evening, and to not get dressed until midday, then that would be one thing. But obviously she didn’t used to dot bad. Didn’t particularly see the appeal of it.

It might be worth reflecting on why some women change their habits and have less time, energy and motivation to spend on their appearance after having a child, while a man often blithely carries on as normal and wonders irritatedly why his wife isn't doing the same.

Because maybe, just maybe... it's because the physical and mental burden of pregnancy, childbirth, childcare and housework have fallen on her (even if she also hasa paid job), while his life continues unchanged. Oh, that and the fact that society's aesthetic expectations of him don't involve a fifth of the upkeep that they involve for women. Does that mean the OP has to be in her pyjamas? No. Does it mean she might feel like what's the point of getting dressed? Probably.

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Coolmama85 · 21/03/2022 08:36

@girlmom21

Tell him to fuck off.

AGREE!!
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SunnySideUp2020 · 21/03/2022 08:39

@Fairislefandango

If the OP was always the type to change into PJs and a dressing gown in the evening, and to not get dressed until midday, then that would be one thing. But obviously she didn’t used to dot bad. Didn’t particularly see the appeal of it.

It might be worth reflecting on why some women change their habits and have less time, energy and motivation to spend on their appearance after having a child, while a man often blithely carries on as normal and wonders irritatedly why his wife isn't doing the same.

Because maybe, just maybe... it's because the physical and mental burden of pregnancy, childbirth, childcare and housework have fallen on her (even if she also hasa paid job), while his life continues unchanged. Oh, that and the fact that society's aesthetic expectations of him don't involve a fifth of the upkeep that they involve for women. Does that mean the OP has to be in her pyjamas? No. Does it mean she might feel like what's the point of getting dressed? Probably.

Exactly what is happening for me.

OP, i totally empathise. I am in the same situation. We prioritise our kid. They prioritise themselves. Always.
My DH has no guilt or issue telling me he will work out after work. It wouldn't cross his mind that maybe I need to work out more than he does.
But he will be the first to tell me how i gotten fat since we met and had the baby.
I find this hurtful but I honestly dont pay attention anymore. And I just say well when you start looking after your kid regularly so I can have time to go for a workout guess you will see a difference.
It never happens. Because he cant be bothered.

And ofc I dont like the way I look. But what's ny
My alternative? 🤔
I dont have any. So I am just waiting for when DD will start nursery and I will actually have time to start an exercise routine.

I am way past what he thinks. As for me, if you are not willing to help me then your opinion doesnt matter. Because clearly my well being doesnt matter to you.

Men are selfish beings. Most of them. That's a fact.
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MrsClatterbuck · 21/03/2022 08:40

@Embarrassed1987

Thanks all, I’m going to leave it for tonight. But tomorrow I’m going to do as advised.

I’ll explain that I would like more time to myself to go to gym classes etc, but he needs to step up to enable me to do so. I’ll ask for 2 nights a week for him to look after DD from 5pm until bedtime.

Only seeing this now. Sorry but I hope you told him that you were going to the gym 2 nights a week and that he was looking after dd. After all does he ask your permission to go to the gym?
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mumda · 21/03/2022 08:59

Mumsnet really needs to get it's ads in order. I don't think this ad is sensitive to the thread.

Let myself go...DH says
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DuchessofSuffolk · 21/03/2022 09:00

Think this a bit mean on his part. From what I gather
You’ve gotten older (obviously) I used to be a size 8 when I was 21. I am now 32 and now matter how hard I try I don’t think I will ever be a size 8 again. I am a solid 10 and haven’t had any babies yet.
You’ve had his children - that changed your body, the amount of girls I know who say their hips and rib cage are a few inches wider. Like to see him grow a human!
You work part time now because you are looking after said tiny human - without sounding rude can you still afford to have your hair and nails done? When DH and I were saving for our first home I had to stop getting my nails done. All the extra money went to the house pot. If he wants you to get your hair and nails done perhaps he can pay for them himself!
Time - if you do
Most of the unpaid labour perhaps he should pull his socks up so you have time to do this things!

I’d be so hurt if my OH said something like this to me. I don’t think I would get over it. You need to tell him how much he has upset you. Am did you’re unhappy and want to change well then he needs to help you.

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Nnique · 21/03/2022 09:06

@Embarrassed1987

Thanks all, I’m going to leave it for tonight. But tomorrow I’m going to do as advised.

I’ll explain that I would like more time to myself to go to gym classes etc, but he needs to step up to enable me to do so. I’ll ask for 2 nights a week for him to look after DD from 5pm until bedtime.

Ask? No. Why are you asking him? Tell him that since he wants you to look like you did when you were younger and had no child to look after, you are going to take the evening out 3 times a week (that’s the minimum you need to make a big difference to fitness level) to look after yourself, your body and your mind. Tell him you’ve thought about it and you agree, you’ve not had the time to do that.
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dollymuchymuchness · 21/03/2022 09:13

@Embarrassed1987

Thanks all, I’m going to leave it for tonight. But tomorrow I’m going to do as advised.

I’ll explain that I would like more time to myself to go to gym classes etc, but he needs to step up to enable me to do so. I’ll ask for 2 nights a week for him to look after DD from 5pm until bedtime.

Don’t ask him, tell him. But honestly @Embarrassed1987, size 14 is a normal size. You sound fine to me. 💐
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Naunet · 21/03/2022 09:20

It might be worth reflecting on why some women change their habits and have less time, energy and motivation to spend on their appearance after having a child, while a man often blithely carries on as normal and wonders irritatedly why his wife isn't doing the same

Men also aren’t told that their natural state is so repulsively unappealing, that they have to paint their faces, shave half their body, have a long mane of preened and dyed hair….men get to just exist as nature intended. It takes very little effort for them compared to what’s expected of women.

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Chely · 21/03/2022 09:28

If my dh was such a CF I would cock punch him.

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Gonnagetgoing · 21/03/2022 09:34

@Embarrassed1987 - yes take more time for the gym etc.

If your beauty salon has evening or after work appointments (or even weekends, if you're free) then make sure DH looks after the toddler so you can go there too. In fact a voucher from the salon would make a lovely Mother's Day present for you.

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impossible · 21/03/2022 09:38

Good luck with this. If you can prioritise your well-being you will start to feel better about yourself and more confident.
Caring for a toddler plus working three days is exhausting.

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Justilou1 · 21/03/2022 09:51

@Embarrassed1987… Don’t forget that you need to also get him to allow you a sleep every weekend and at least a half day for hair, waxing, nails, tanning, whatever.
You’re also going to need to totally revamp your wardrobe, makeup and accessories, too? $$$$$

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JennyHogon · 21/03/2022 10:03

@girlmom21

So much so that some days I’m still in PJs at noon on the days she’s not at nursery (I work 3 days a week) and am a SAHM when not working.

I'm on your side but I don't see how you're unable to get dressed before noon with a 2 year old

I was going to say exactly this. It is not hard to get dressed in the morning - especially not with only one 2 yr old around. Don't you ever go out with her in the mornings? Playgroups, library, whatever? As @girlmom21 says, I am on your side and think your husband should have been a bit more tactful - but I would find it deeply unattractive if my OH were still in their nightwear at lunchtime. That would be far worse and arguably more concerning than someone putting on a bit of weight or not having fake brows or false eyelashes.
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StooOrangeyForCrows · 21/03/2022 10:03

I think some of the responses on here are a bit OTT. There have been loads of posts on here about no longer fancying DH because he's put on weight and doesn't take the care he used to. The responses are a country mile from the ones on here.

From your response, whilst you are upset by his remarks, you can see his point to a degree so you having gym time is a great start. It doesn't mean he hasn't been a dick about it so if he is a bad husband in other respects then you might want to consider your options obviously but do whatever you do for yourself as much as him.

Has he a foot halfway out the door already though?

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Sswhinesthebest · 21/03/2022 10:06

Did you have a chat op?

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Maisa45 · 21/03/2022 10:09

He sounds horrible. It's not like you've gone up ten dress sizes - 2 sizes is not a huge deal especially after having a child. I wear makeup to work but whenever I'm at home I'm in my pjs and scruffy old dressing gown with hair tied up and no make up. Isn't it normal to want to be comfy at home? And is he some sort of Adonis? I suspect not.

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AuntMargo · 21/03/2022 10:13

I am clearly a lot older than you, I have been with my husband since I was 16yrs old, I am now 56. I was a size 10, I am now a size 22, I was blonde, I am now completely grey. He had a full of head of hair, and muscles !! We all change!.

Tell you dick of an husband to f off, he is an ass hole. BTW we are still happily married.

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AuntMargo · 21/03/2022 10:15

oh and Hubby is now bald, with a pot belly

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HeavyHeidi · 21/03/2022 10:18

10 to 14 at least in my case is the difference between being described as slim or chubby/overweight. So quite a significant difference.
OP is of course long gone, but some of the replies on this tread are Confused.

If a man posted that he has gone up 2 sizes, stopped taking care of his appearance and slobs around in PJs until lunch; works part time and has one child to take care of, and wants his wife to pay for nanny and cleaner so he can go to the gym (like some posters believe OPs DH should do), he would be ripped to shreds.

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D0lphine · 21/03/2022 10:20

This is completely up to you. Do you want to change?

If you don't want to change then don't change. You don't owe anyone pretty; it's not the price you pay to occupy the space named "female".

If you do want to change then explain to him that you need time and money for the gym and time and money for the salon and time and money to buy new clothes. So you expect him to have sole responsibility for the kids on x days at x times whilst you're at the gym / salon / clothes shopping, and you expect him to take on more household tasks.

See what he says! If he is willing to give time and money so you can pamper yourself and this is also something you want to do then go for it!

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TheOrigRights · 21/03/2022 10:26

What's going on that you can't get out of your PJs before noon?

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Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 21/03/2022 10:33

I agree with others, use his mean and nasty criticism to get more time and money for yourself and start getting your mojo back. Who knows in a couple of years when baby is off to school and you're back to usual self.... well perhaps you'll meet someone who will love you for you (and not how fuckable he thinks you are). And Id be feeling no guilt. What has been said, can never be unsaid.

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amusedbush · 21/03/2022 10:34

* ZOMBIE THREAD *

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Nnique · 21/03/2022 10:35

It’s a few months ago. That’s really not a zombie thread.

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