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Original poster

Let myself go...DH says

457 replies

Embarrassed1987 · 04/12/2021 19:31

DH and I have just had a big row.

He’s been grumpy all afternoon and I asked him what was wrong and he’s just blurted out that he doesn’t understand what’s wrong with me 😔

That I’ve massively let myself go and that I don’t look anything like the woman he married. He’s right I know, which is awful.

I’ve gained weight, I was a size 10 and now a size 14.

My hair is brushed and clean but now my only upkeep is going to the salon every couple of months to get rid of split ends. When we met I’d have balayage and styled my hair regularly.

I rarely wear make up now, when I used to wear the usuals, tinted moisturiser, blush, get my brows and lashes done.

I do dress okay when I’m out and about but tonight I was wearing my big dressing gown and PJs (not very attractive I know)

This has hurt, and I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
WaningMoon · 10/01/2022 17:11

Shades of The Handmaid’s Tale on this thread

I absolutely agree with this comment, there are some deeply concerning attitudes on this thread - women are not here on this earth to be decorative objects for fucks sake.

renee1989 · 20/03/2022 19:39

what about him? is HE keeping himself in "peak condition"?
he had better look like sebastian stan or something to think its acceptable to have this attitude, maybe if he wants you to maintain your appearence have him care for your child for the full day on a weekly basis

Spectre8 · 20/03/2022 20:42

I kind of see his perspective. I wouldn't be happy if my OH put on alot of weight and also didn't get dressed.

I think its so different with men, majority of men just need to trim their hair, beard, maybe some moisturiser. Their grooming is so much less. So when you meet a guy you pretty much meet him in his most natural self including his weight.

With women alot put on lots of make up, dye their hair, get their nails done, shave - basically look as flawless as possible. That takes time and money and when you had a kid you don't have that time. Yet he met a version of you that is no longer a version you have time to be anymore.

This why you get lots of people advocating for more natural looks. You set the expectation at the first date so if your nails arent polished but neat, you hair looking neat, minimal make up, when you can no longer do some of that stuff its not a million miles away from who you are and what you look like.

Like another poster said you used to do all those things so you did them for yourself back then

LadyMacduff · 20/03/2022 20:44

This is a zombie thread

HisHX · 20/03/2022 21:19

@Spectre8

I kind of see his perspective. I wouldn't be happy if my OH put on alot of weight and also didn't get dressed.

I think its so different with men, majority of men just need to trim their hair, beard, maybe some moisturiser. Their grooming is so much less. So when you meet a guy you pretty much meet him in his most natural self including his weight.

With women alot put on lots of make up, dye their hair, get their nails done, shave - basically look as flawless as possible. That takes time and money and when you had a kid you don't have that time. Yet he met a version of you that is no longer a version you have time to be anymore.

This why you get lots of people advocating for more natural looks. You set the expectation at the first date so if your nails arent polished but neat, you hair looking neat, minimal make up, when you can no longer do some of that stuff its not a million miles away from who you are and what you look like.

Like another poster said you used to do all those things so you did them for yourself back then

Completely agree with all of this. Haven’t read the whole thread but whilst his comments are dickish, physical attraction IS important. My husband and I are very natural/low maintenance but take pride in terms of healthy eating and exercise. For me, going up a size or two wouldn’t necessarily be an issue that would cause me to no longer be attracted. But, if there was a slovenly lifestyle change that led to that gain, I do think I’d struggle.
Clarabe1 · 20/03/2022 21:49

If you are happy and feel comfortable in your own skin that is all that matters. Years ago I used to wear heels, get nails done etc etc. I am getting older now and quite frankly I can’t be arsed. I favour a more natural look. One thing I am wondering is that when your DH said about letting yourself go have you read too much into your hair weight etc? Was he referring to you being in PJ’s and not getting dressed?

Aria999 · 21/03/2022 01:46

He's not being very tactful.

I think the best thing to do if he feels that way would be to let you know that how much effort you make is important to him but it's your decision and he supports that and loves you anyway.

Whereas it sounds like he's actually just having a sulk.

I know DH hates some of my comfier clothes but I wear them anyway when I want to, and he puts up with it good naturedly. When I can summon up the energy I do also make an effort sometimes (e.g. put a nice top on after kids are in bed) as I know it is appreciated.

I am kind of obsessed with my recent success in becoming slim and having good hair for the first time in forever and he has to listen to me rabbit on about it at great length 🤣 so it's not all roses.

1forAll74 · 21/03/2022 03:46

You don't really need to be wearing a dressing gown and night clothes at lunch time, even with a small child or baby, it doesn't take long to put a bit of casual wear on, and a bit of lipstick on or the like. you will feel better for it in yourself..

2catsandhappy · 21/03/2022 04:32

Getting him to parent while you go to the gym is a good start. Also he can meal plan, shop and cook for a healthy eating plan. If he has to use his free time to manage this, well, he can change his priorities can't he @Embarrassed1987

Twiglets1 · 21/03/2022 05:35

You sound a bit like me only I’ve gone from. 10 to a 16 😬
My husbands gone from a six pack to a fat pack though so I’m not too bothered

Stephthegreat · 21/03/2022 05:46

I know lots of people who are in their pjs most of the time at home! Wear what you want! Size 10-14 isn’t a massive leap, I think tbh there are other issues here. Maybe he’s trying to say you’ve grown apart.

Stephthegreat · 21/03/2022 05:48

@1forAll74

Yes, let’s all be 1950s housewives! She should sit around with her heels and lipstick on just in case her appearance offends her dh.

ISmellBurnings · 21/03/2022 05:50

ZOMBIE THREAD

Seabreeze18 · 21/03/2022 05:56

I think it’s important to make an effort because often how u look changes how u feel. When I finally lost my baby weight I felt amazing and acted differently which made a huge difference in my marriage. Unfortunately during covid I put some back on and again it’s effected me negativity, but I make an effort with hair and makeup to some extent so that I feel better about myself. Also men are more visual than us women so u can’t blame him. Good luck!

Jamn50 · 21/03/2022 06:22

That’s not ok. So far in our marriage I’ve been many sizes from 12 then 14 after Dd was born then 16 after DS was born then back to 12 then down to 10 and now I’m a 12. DH has NEVER said said anything. Loves me no matter what size or if I’ve had long short or whatever colour hair. We’ve been together 22 years both changed that’s what happens. You be proud of yourself and your body look at your DD and be proud that your body made a beautiful life!!!

HoppingPavlova · 21/03/2022 06:33

With women alot put on lots of make up, dye their hair, get their nails done, shave - basically look as flawless as possible.

Well, nothing to worry about here. I was too busy for any of that when I met my husband and probably looked a bit shit. Then post children a bit shit would have moved to incredibly shit but the baseline was low Grin. Seriously, I would have changed from going to the hairdresser once/twice a year to once every five years. No make up, nails etc and if at home no way am I getting out of PJ’s if I don’t have to go out even if it is 2pm. He copes without complaint- and yes, he is dressed etc, just respects my lack of time.

I do have the fix though. He gets to work 3 days also, he has the kids the 2 days he doesn’t work and you use those to get your hair and nails done, hit the gym and get your make up in order. Easily fixed!

Flopsy145 · 21/03/2022 06:54

When you're with someone you should love the person under the skin, not what they look like. I think this is more about how you feel, if you're not happy then he needs to pitch in to give you time to train, go to the salon etc.
But if you're happy chilling in a dressing gown (I know I am haha) then he can shut the hell up. I can't imagine he's wearing a nice suit to relax in the house in is he! Also maybe he should take this all onboard and realise you're overworked and simply don't have any time to be you anymore, just mum and employee which I totally understand as I am in that position now and we put everyone before us.

Honestly I would guilt him so hard he paid for monthly salon and spa trips!
Stay strong, show him and your daughter that having a beautiful personality is the most important thing and it doesn't matter if you're in a dressing gown or ball gown just as long as you're happy with you

Nothappyatwork · 21/03/2022 07:24

I think this is going to become more and more of a theme on Mumsnet over the next few years and it is massively driven by women dressed like a freaking Barbie doll dogs dinner every single time they go out with a man, basically they expect that because that’s what you’ve enticed them in with.

Same rules do not apply to them obviously.

When people put in fake tan on to go down and have a Caesarean and then posting online with their 10 second old newborn and a full face of make up and blow dried Barnett you can’t blame the poor buggers for getting confused. This is the genuine expectation of a hell of a lot of men under the age of 35

Nothappyatwork · 21/03/2022 07:29

🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️ 🧟‍♀️

Beautifulmonster87 · 21/03/2022 07:40

@Embarrassed1987

I just don’t have the same time that I used to, we have a daughter who is 2 and she takes up a huge amount of time. So much so that some days I’m still in PJs at noon on the days she’s not at nursery (I work 3 days a week) and am a SAHM when not working.

I would like to lose weight, and I do dress nicely when we go out, do hair and makeup etc) but that’s not often at the moment!

I think it’s a shame you’re not dressed until noon. I have a 3yr old, he’s hard work and I work 2 days a week. I always without fail make sure we are both dressed and I do my hair and put a bit of makeup on. It makes me feel better. If you feel ok not being dressed or with makeup that’s fine but it sounds like you aren’t happy about it either!! Take some time to make sure you are always at least dressed for the day, it might make you feel better.
Guavaf1sh · 21/03/2022 07:43

But it’s not a proper zombie as it only started in December. How long does a thread need to be inactive before it’s termed a zombie? A year?

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 21/03/2022 07:48

@LadyMacduff

This is a zombie thread
Maybe so but still interesting and may have some good points of reference for some.
Sceptre86 · 21/03/2022 08:08

You've got a young child and put on weight that in itself isn't unreasonable and I appreciate that it is hard to get to the gym unless someone takes care of her. Do you have any family nearby who would take her for two hours twice a week? What I would be suggesting is you speak to your oh and say that he needs to take care of your child so you can get to the gym maybe in the evenings on your days off He can go on days where you are working. Also how much work does he do at home in terms of cooking, cleaning etc because you said he prioritises the gym over other stuff? The other stuff clearly still needs doing so am I wrong to assume it is you that does it? If there isn't so equal division of labour then I can understand feeling knackered by the evening and not having the motivation. Also with a young kid it is easy to get into the habit of eating whatever is to hand and I know I do this.

I don't mean to be harsh but you've only got the one child and can still do exercise at home should you want to. It's all about whether you think he has a point tbh and if this is something you want to do for yourself.

CantStartaFireWithoutaSpark · 21/03/2022 08:09

It’s not a great situation.
If he feels that way, that’s how he feels. So either you resist it, or you make an effort again.
It’s not nice to hear, but I would like my DH to tell me if I was letting myself go. I take pride in how I look for myself and for him. I want to look good for him. So, it’s up to you really.

Sushi7 · 21/03/2022 08:15

I’m torn. Has he changed much? I think he was just being honest because it does seem that you’ve changed a lot. You’ve gained significant weight and stay in your PJs for most of the day. Would it help you (emotionally) if you got out more during the day? Would that bring your confidence back? Personally, even if I just fill in my brows and wear tinted moisturiser and get out of my PJs I feel so much happier.