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AIBU?

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Original poster

Let myself go...DH says

457 replies

Embarrassed1987 · 04/12/2021 19:31

DH and I have just had a big row.

He’s been grumpy all afternoon and I asked him what was wrong and he’s just blurted out that he doesn’t understand what’s wrong with me 😔

That I’ve massively let myself go and that I don’t look anything like the woman he married. He’s right I know, which is awful.

I’ve gained weight, I was a size 10 and now a size 14.

My hair is brushed and clean but now my only upkeep is going to the salon every couple of months to get rid of split ends. When we met I’d have balayage and styled my hair regularly.

I rarely wear make up now, when I used to wear the usuals, tinted moisturiser, blush, get my brows and lashes done.

I do dress okay when I’m out and about but tonight I was wearing my big dressing gown and PJs (not very attractive I know)

This has hurt, and I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
skodadoda · 06/12/2021 16:12

I think I prefer the ‘winkies’ 🤣🤣

coogee · 06/12/2021 17:05

Every BMI calculator I’ve ever used takes into account your height

Exactly, but dress sizes don’t so on their own they are a poor indicator of somebody’s BMI.

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 06/12/2021 17:31

Yes, I think we can all see that a 5’ size 14 is going to look more overweight than 5’10” size 14.

EightWheelGirl · 06/12/2021 18:26

Interesting thought process, EightWheel...Girl.

I'd say the same about your assumption that a woman couldn't possibly know about things like nutrition and lifting weights.

DrSbaitso · 06/12/2021 18:46

@EightWheelGirl

Interesting thought process, EightWheel...Girl.

I'd say the same about your assumption that a woman couldn't possibly know about things like nutrition and lifting weights.

Your assumption that that is my assumption would be, er, bollocks. That that is your assumption is itself also interesting.

What I'm finding interesting is a...girl who knows so little about female bodies shedding fat, especially when compared to male bodies gaining muscle.

EightWheelGirl · 06/12/2021 18:59

What I'm finding interesting is a...girl who knows so little about female bodies shedding fat, especially when compared to male bodies gaining muscle.

Is this the bit where you explain that females are in fact a different species and don't lose weight like other humans by eating less and burning calories?

DrSbaitso · 06/12/2021 19:25

@EightWheelGirl

What I'm finding interesting is a...girl who knows so little about female bodies shedding fat, especially when compared to male bodies gaining muscle.

Is this the bit where you explain that females are in fact a different species and don't lose weight like other humans by eating less and burning calories?

It's the bit where I saw a thread about a man telling his wife she's "let herself go" and then saw a post telling us that actually it's much harder for men, because women lose fat so much more easily than men gain muscle, and the ideal male body is so much harder for men to obtain than the ideal female one is for women.

I knew, when I checked the name, that it was going to be something overtly feminine. It usually is.

If it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck and it's holding a sign saying "I AM A PENGUIN"...it's a duck.

Let myself go...DH says
mummania · 10/01/2022 11:57

You should be loved for who you are. We are all going to get saggy here and there, that's ageing. Cant beat that. Him too. But who we are inside does not change. My former hubby made the same comments. Yes they were true. My exterior changed due to an unhappy marriage, and not having time to look after myself, because I was running around holding the fort while hubby did not do his fair share. The comments were just the icing. My marriage ended, but yours doesn't have to. But I highly suggest drawing the line. Making you feel bad about yourself is not acceptable, EVER. If you want to go back to your glam self, do it for you, not for him. If you do it for him, you will keep chasing an illusion, and you may not ever get there. All the best.

CharSiu · 10/01/2022 12:35

These threads always go the same way. If a woman posts this their DH are bastards if a woman posts their DH are getting fat she does not get lambasted.

Yes they are the same person inside but if DH went up four clothes sizes I wouldn’t like it. Attitudes to weight and people’s and the new normal of what is considered ok is why there is a type 2 diabetes crisis in the UK.

I would take complete umbrage with comments about clothes and hair though that’s very much dress up doll territory.

beardeddragon174 · 10/01/2022 12:43

OMG OP.

I was a size 8 when I met my DH, 12 years and 1 kid later I'm a 12-14 and he has never said a word about my body apart from reassuring me when I had a post-baby body meltdown and cried.

CharSiu · 10/01/2022 12:46

Sorry it’s two dress sizes must have mis read so no where near as much as I thought

Elodeastar · 10/01/2022 12:56

Two strands - firstly, he does have a bit of a cheek saying that! 'Let yourself go' is a horrible phrase - does anyone realistically think that people don't change as they age, or as life circumstances change? What actually does he expect you to look like/be like? Does he think you can stop time? Secondly - how do you feel, are you ok in yourself (phyiscally and mentally)? Do you feel like you need to make some changes in your life, diet, health, exercise, or are you happy that you are just not exactly the same age/shape/outlook as you were a few years ago? If you feel like you are not the 'you' you want to be, then address that, but don't do it because someone else has unrealistic expectations. Flowers

nalabae · 10/01/2022 13:15

He’s horrible and rude.

FrustratedTeddyLamp · 10/01/2022 13:31

@CharSiu

These threads always go the same way. If a woman posts this their DH are bastards if a woman posts their DH are getting fat she does not get lambasted.

Yes they are the same person inside but if DH went up four clothes sizes I wouldn’t like it. Attitudes to weight and people’s and the new normal of what is considered ok is why there is a type 2 diabetes crisis in the UK.

I would take complete umbrage with comments about clothes and hair though that’s very much dress up doll territory.

This
Notwithittoday · 10/01/2022 14:02

Tell him to employ a cleaner and childminder so you can go to the gym and spend hours doing yourself up.

AlphabetStew · 10/01/2022 14:27

OP is loooong gone. She last posted on page 4.

SocialConnection · 10/01/2022 14:29

If this was from a woman saying how her husband had let himself go, put on weight, paid less attention to grooming and dress etc, the responses would all say 'you've got the ick'.

He's got the ick.

And he's told you, rather than letting it fester and maybe starting to look elsewhere.

So what do you want to do? Shrug and say 'this is me - take it or leave it'?

Do something about it?

Or take a good look at him ... and if it's going both ways, say 'let's both do something about it together'?

Elodeastar · 10/01/2022 14:53

@AlphabetStew

OP is loooong gone. She last posted on page 4.
That often makes no difference on MN, ha ha. Wink
Lovemelongthai · 10/01/2022 15:14

See how his body changes after having a child, size 10 to 14 is by no means fat. A man who loved you, will love you no matter what. Maybe this us just an excuse, if not do you want to be with someone so shallow?

ElftonWednesday · 10/01/2022 15:30

I've gained weight since I got married but I've not let myself go in any way, shape or form. I still exercise and eat healthily, it has just been a constant battle since I had children. If anything I make more effort than when I was younger and have to eat a lot less to shift the scales at all.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 10/01/2022 16:31

Tell him to fuck off! How does he look compared to years ago?! What an absolute tool to try to make you feel insecure. Who sits in their house done up with make up and a nice outfit on? I finished work half an hour ago and am already looking towards my pjs!

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 10/01/2022 16:32

@CharSiu

These threads always go the same way. If a woman posts this their DH are bastards if a woman posts their DH are getting fat she does not get lambasted.

Yes they are the same person inside but if DH went up four clothes sizes I wouldn’t like it. Attitudes to weight and people’s and the new normal of what is considered ok is why there is a type 2 diabetes crisis in the UK.

I would take complete umbrage with comments about clothes and hair though that’s very much dress up doll territory.

A 10 to a 14 isn’t four clothes sizes?
glittereyelash · 10/01/2022 16:34

How very hurtful to hear. It's not easy to get your figure back after having a baby and it's been a tough few years with adjusting to covid living. My son is three and I've only recently made the changes to get back into shape. I've started walking every evening and I absolutely love it gives me time to de-stress. You should definitely take some time for yourself for a hobby and only lose weight if it's what you want.

Joined4this · 10/01/2022 16:51

That must be incredibly hurtful to hear. I am sure you won’t be able to relax in your dressing gown any more. He is allowed to feel this way but he should have broached the subject gently and considerately. He went at it like a hungry pitbull. It’s up to you what you want to do with that information though. I know a number of couples where it’s an unspoken agreement that she will stay thin. Also, you have couples where anything goes.

So your choices

  1. make the effort to change your appearance to please him - this might or might not work
  2. don’t- this might lead to the end of your marriage but if his love is conditional on you looking a certain way- was it ever that strong?

It sounds like you love him. It’s never easy to hear this kind of thing so Flowers for you.

MissNothing1991 · 10/01/2022 16:54

A size 10 to a size 14 isn't that big a difference, especially after having children! I'd be fucking fuming.