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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WTF! Random man comment

291 replies

KatherineJaneway · 04/12/2021 15:29

Out in a busy, lively restaurant last night catching up with a good friend. Been there about an hour when a random man walks up to our table and says to me directly 'Do you ever smile?'

I was a bit confused in the moment as I had no idea who he was and my friend and I had been talking, so I was like 'excuse me?' I must have moved from what was clearly a resting bitch face to a smile and he was like 'Oh, you do' and he walked off. I mean, why do that?

YABU - he's making conversation
YANBU - you're right, he's an annoying twat

OP posts:
calvados · 05/12/2021 18:40

His happiness should not depend on you smiling or on any woman’s smile! He needs to go watch a Doris Day film!

HooolaHoop · 05/12/2021 18:45

Why do men do this? I’ve been asked on a night out how do I feel being the ugly friend. It really upset me and has affected my confidence ever since. I don’t actually think I’m that bad looking but that one random comments still bothers me years later.

Why do they do it? What do they get out of it? Is it just about power and control?

lottiegarbanzo · 05/12/2021 18:47

Yes, it's about power and control! And the fact they don't see women as fully human. Just decorative service objects.

Echobelly · 05/12/2021 18:50

A good reply for any statement like that is: 'Do you ever say things to women that aren't utterly entitled?' But of course one can never think of them in the bloody moment!

MammaMacgill87 · 05/12/2021 18:51

'i generally only smile after brutally murdering errant loud mouth men' works for me whilst then smiling like a lunatic 👍

HooolaHoop · 05/12/2021 18:52

I’ve always managed the ‘cheer up love’ comments with a look or a ‘fuck off’ but that comment had me in tears all night. Why would anyone think they can talk to people like this?

FeeLock · 05/12/2021 18:55

Sooooo many men do this. Entitled a*se!

Lovewins · 05/12/2021 19:02

My issue with saying something along the lines Ed of ‘well my mum just died’ (unless she actually did) is that it feeds into the sexist belief that Women should be happy, smiling, pleasing unless they truly have a valid excuse to be miserable or just ‘be’. Fuck off and let me enjoy my drink with my friend would be my resource. Well, I would think of it ten minutes later but still

Lovewins · 05/12/2021 19:03

Sorry for typos 🙄

Lovewins · 05/12/2021 19:07

@HooolaHoop that’s so horrid, I too would ha e been really hurt and humiliated- what a twat. And I bet he wasn’t bloody gods gift himself.

supersop60 · 05/12/2021 19:07

@Chesneyhawkes1

I remember a similar thread ages ago when the lady replied "thank you for your comment random man"
I remember this. Do it. (next time)
Whatamess582 · 05/12/2021 19:11

My guess is he was looking at you for a while watching you and hoping you would look up but you didn’t look at him or notice him or smile at him. And that likely pissed him off because, well, what woman isn’t looking around her all the time to smile at some random loser staring at her. So he punished you.

Problem is you have let it upset you. So he won. I understand why and you shouldn’t have to steel yourself against the impact of that kind of encounter but it’s best to see him for what he is. A pitiful man. And move on with your day. Laugh it off. I’m sure you don’t have resting bitch face. Just a normal woman’s face. And you were probably listening intently and in and engaged manger to your friends like a good friend. Don’t let him make you paranoid about yourself.

My mother once had a client who was raped by a man she passed in an alley (broad daylight and in a nice posh suburbia) and when it went to court she got to make a statement and she asked him why he had done it. His answer was ‘I smiled at you and you didn’t smile back. I got angry and I wanted you to feel as bad as I did’. This is an extreme example but some men are just fucked up.

Crystalgirl90 · 05/12/2021 19:14

Yanbu, what a weirdo!
I'd have replied "are you ever polite? No it seems not!" Haha.

HooolaHoop · 05/12/2021 19:15

[quote Lovewins]@HooolaHoop that’s so horrid, I too would ha e been really hurt and humiliated- what a twat. And I bet he wasn’t bloody gods gift himself.[/quote]
He really wasn’t! 🤣 I still relive that moment and wish I handled it differently.

Whatamess582 · 05/12/2021 19:16

Sorry i just reread my comment and I don’t mean laugh it off like you just let it go. I just mean afterwards, leave his shit with him, don’t take it on yourself. Some of the responses given here are brilliant. But as you didn’t have one come to mind…. Please don’t let him make you worry about your face or what energy you give out.

DedalusBloom · 05/12/2021 19:16

@Whatamess582

My guess is he was looking at you for a while watching you and hoping you would look up but you didn’t look at him or notice him or smile at him. And that likely pissed him off because, well, what woman isn’t looking around her all the time to smile at some random loser staring at her. So he punished you.

Problem is you have let it upset you. So he won. I understand why and you shouldn’t have to steel yourself against the impact of that kind of encounter but it’s best to see him for what he is. A pitiful man. And move on with your day. Laugh it off. I’m sure you don’t have resting bitch face. Just a normal woman’s face. And you were probably listening intently and in and engaged manger to your friends like a good friend. Don’t let him make you paranoid about yourself.

My mother once had a client who was raped by a man she passed in an alley (broad daylight and in a nice posh suburbia) and when it went to court she got to make a statement and she asked him why he had done it. His answer was ‘I smiled at you and you didn’t smile back. I got angry and I wanted you to feel as bad as I did’. This is an extreme example but some men are just fucked up.

Oh God that's awful. And a worrying reminder of how little it takes to tip an angry man over the edge. Thanks
Gbtch · 05/12/2021 19:19

Why are you speaking to me, random man? Do you need my help?
If not fuck right off!

CheshireDing · 05/12/2021 19:21

Kosmin that’s it ! That’s the line/similar I need to memorise for future dickheads

‘Excuse me (very loud) did anyone order a random man to come and harass them because he’s here at my table’ 🤣🤣

Moonlightdust · 05/12/2021 19:33

A female ‘Elf’ at Santa’s grotto told my daughter “You can smile you know” whilst queuing up today. We’ve had some terrible family news this week and a beloved pet on its death bed. Poor kid. Why are people so judgmental and rude.

ddl1 · 05/12/2021 19:36

YANBU; it's really rude of him! Was he a bit drunk? Making personal remarks to strangers is not on; and I don't think he'd have done it to a six-foot brawny man!

And how does he know that you weren't discussing something really sad like a funeral?

LouBan · 05/12/2021 19:40

If he was trying to make conversation he wouldn't have walked off so quickly. Definitely a twat.

Notmrsfitz · 05/12/2021 19:46

I think maybe he was a bit socially inept and you’re possibly overthinking it .

DublinDoris2000 · 05/12/2021 19:53

Urgh. The worst random man comment was in a seaside bar when I was about 30. I remember being a bit tired and not particularly dressed up, shorts, top and wedges. I was on the edge of group of friends and this 60 YO man, drinking on his own looked me up and down and said, "what are you? 5ft9 and about 11 stone? You know you could really be something if you made more of an effort." I was so caught off guard, I think I just agreed walked off. But WT actual F? I was mad for days. Wish I'd come up with something smarter to say.

ddl1 · 05/12/2021 19:57

MothralovesGojira

We had something similar in our shop last month. One of our employee's is a young woman who is very helpful and polite but very quiet (for reasons that I won't go into). It was Saturday morning and a male customer aged about 40ish was trying to chat her up and wouldn't hand over any money until he'd had "some service with a smile" (I kid you not) to which she replied with a polite "that will be £ please". A stand off ensued with him staring her down until another customer tapped him on the shoulder and asked him to stop holding the queue up and he grudgingly paid up and left. All this is bad enough but on Monday morning the man's mother came in to the shop and loudly complained that her son had been disrespected on Saturday by some young bitch who didn't know how to treat a customer properly and that she was very upset that her own son had been treated so horrendously. She said all he'd wanted was to be shown respect due to him and to have a smile from the woman. Honestly this is absolutely true.

God, not hard to tell why he's such a spoilt brat at 40. I'm amazed, not so much that he acted like that, but that he (and Mama) thought that it was OK to do so in a queue at the shop, with various people looking on.

Negligee · 05/12/2021 20:01

@Notmrsfitz

I think maybe he was a bit socially inept and you’re possibly overthinking it .
I’d be very surprised to encounter a form of ‘social ineptness’ that expressed itself in actively approaching a complete stranger at another table in a busy restaurant and criticising her expression.
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