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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think people really need to stop letting strangers live with their children

499 replies

PuttingOnTheKitsch · 03/12/2021 12:44

Yet another child was murdered at the hands of a parent's "partner". There have been many, many cases of this happening, Daniel Pelka, Peter Connelley, Kyra Ishaq, the list is endless.

Yet, there will still be women on here, letting some random man move in with them and their child within six weeks and saying "Am I not allowed to have a life!?" if anyone points out that's a bad idea.

Men are just as bad, the step-parent's board was full of blokes who would dump their children on whichever woman they were seeing, while they carried on with their lives and the step mum would come on here and seethe at the poor behaviour of the children instead of understanding how distressing it must be for a young child to have a dad who foists you off on anyone.

Nobody died from not having a live-in partner.

If we truly want things to change, rather than shaking our fists at social workers, we need to look at ourselves as a wider society and stop expecting different results from the same poor behaviour.

OP posts:
floatinginmyhomie · 05/12/2021 02:21

@LondonWolf

Well, Arthur's mum was hardly a great parent either. The poor boy never stood a chance.

Photos released of Arthur with his mother released this morning show him clean, well nourished, beautifully dressed and with beaming smiles. I dare say he’d have had at least a chance of remaining alive in her care.

As I said previously - she came from a stable, well educated background. Met Hughes, became pregnant and her life spiralled out of control. How many times have we seen this when women become involved with vicious, controlling, abusive men?

I agree and I do feel awful for Arthur’s mother. What she did was terrible, but something must’ve happened to make her drop out of her last year of university and spiral as much as she did. From what I can gather she was dealing with mental illness and was in an abusive relationship. The statements she has released about Arthur and the pictures she has shared seem to show him as happy and healthy. I’ll probably get slated for this but she was failed by a system that didn’t acknowledge obvious worrying behaviours (and I’d say the same if she were a man), and she is doing her time for that, but I feel sorry for her as she is a mother that has lost her child.
OhRexy · 05/12/2021 09:04

There are ways of starting new relationships more safely but it's very hard to do that as a single parent unless there is another parent having regular contact or you have family and friends to offer babysitting.

What does a single parent do when they have their children with them all the time.
I know most will say don't have a relationship then but that would be considered a lonely life for most people.

I think the answer is spending a long time getting to know someone before anything starts but that often doesn't happen.

At the very least parents should be doing Claire's and Sarah's Law disclosures on any potential new partner. No-one would be getting near my home or meeting my children without this.

How someone talks about their past relationships is a huge clue.
If anyone trots out the lines about the ex being nuts/toxic etc then that's a red flag. It might be true but I'm never taking that chance. And even if they were, what caused this?

Do they have secure housing and a job? People get used all the time for a warm bed and financial support. I won't end up in a situation where I'm solving a housing issue. Even a few days turns into not being able to get them out again.

Do they have kids themselves? If so, how often do they see them. Are they paying maintenance? What's the relationship like with the ex?

It's a really tough call and I won't be vilifying parents for trying to have a life too but a lot of thought and care is needed.

UsernameInTheTown · 05/12/2021 10:29

I'm a lone parent and have sworn off cock until DD has flown the nest. I've always said it's the Stepdad who's the murderer in these cases (Killamarsh recently, yet another, God rest their souls). Looks like Stepmums can be equally evil, and wtaf are social services playing at the useless fuckers. Poor beautiful Arthur Flowers

ElfontheShelfisLookingatYou · 05/12/2021 10:51

I've noticed lots of children coming through the system abandoned literally by mum because she's gone onto multiple other partners and dc and dad has as well so the child ends up with gp or in care.
Often saying they have 9 or ten half siblings on either side!

No parent comes to pe for them, zero.
Sometimes they don't get anything on thier bday either. This is quite common it's not rare.

We need urgent bottom line child rearing coming through and standards set.
Everyone needs to know how to care for children in the basics, that's its not OK to sit back whilst a child is forced to do something like stand in the dark outside for an hour!? Or in the corridor or not allowed food or drink.

That having dc is a life long commitment.
You can't just put yourself first and have another partner and another baby.

ElfontheShelfisLookingatYou · 05/12/2021 10:55

Larry your waiter I totally agree.
People don't understand how common it is.

TurnUpTurnip · 05/12/2021 10:56

What does a single parent do when they have their children with them all the time.
I know most will say don't have a relationship then but that would be considered a lonely life for most people.

Yes if you have no one to watch your child then you can’t date. It’s shit but that’s life, or find a babysitter and pay or date when they are at school. It’s not an excuse to have men brought into their lives quickly.

OhWhyNot · 05/12/2021 11:10

Yes it can be lonely I know from experience

But ds and his safety/security comes before my wanting to be in a relationship or have causal flings

To many excuses are made for poor parenting

BertramLacey · 05/12/2021 11:16

You can't just put yourself first and have another partner and another baby.

Last time I checked, our own PM had six children by three different women. The problem starts right at the top.

Wizzbangfizz · 05/12/2021 11:29

Also by reading the stepparenting board on here you see time and time again the same problems, especially when the new couple have their "own" baby.

OhWhyNot · 05/12/2021 11:29

What’s this got to do with the PM.

Another excuse for people to make around their own choices

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 05/12/2021 11:52

I've been single for over 3 years now and can't see a time when I'd ever live with a man again , certainly not while the dc are at home.

Exdil recently moved in her new boyfriend, this is the second time this year and it worries me .

christmaskittenincoming · 05/12/2021 13:43

'Yes it can be lonely I know from experience

But ds and his safety/security comes before my wanting to be in a relationship or have causal flings

To many excuses are made for poor parenting'

Totally agree with this, my DD well-being, safety and life experience is my responsibility as her parent, the child that I chose to have! I have been divorced from DD father for a number of years and have dated throughout this time and never once felt the need to move any of these men into her home.

lookforthespace · 05/12/2021 13:56

@christmaskittenincoming

'Yes it can be lonely I know from experience

But ds and his safety/security comes before my wanting to be in a relationship or have causal flings

To many excuses are made for poor parenting'

Totally agree with this, my DD well-being, safety and life experience is my responsibility as her parent, the child that I chose to have! I have been divorced from DD father for a number of years and have dated throughout this time and never once felt the need to move any of these men into her home.

So what happens then if you wanted more DC?
christmaskittenincoming · 05/12/2021 14:04

I made the decision that I wouldn't have anymore children, didn't feel the need, didn't want children to different fathers and also that I didn't/don't want to blend with a man and his children.

DD won't live with me forever but even then I can't see me living with someone. We are all different and I don't need a man to complete my life.

BertramLacey · 05/12/2021 14:13

So what happens then if you wanted more DC?

Don't have them. We're not a rare species. I didn't have children when I wanted them because I didn't meet the right man at the right time. It's sad that life doesn't work out the way you had planned but having more children just might not happen.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 05/12/2021 14:33

@lookforthespace the desire to have more DC is not more important than the existing child's well being. Again, it's putting the parent's wants first.

Skyll · 05/12/2021 14:42

I made a decision not to bring a man into my kid’s lives until they were adults. That meant I didn’t have any more children.

It’s just one of those things

LostForIdeas · 05/12/2021 16:45

@Skyll you did though.
You did the day when you decided to have a child with the father of your dc…..

Or are you saying that a man who is a father is different from a man who is a partner, with one type of man automatically not as much of a risk for the child than the other??
Or is that you’ve come to the conclusion that all men are bad and potentially dangerous so you don’t want them anywhere near you?

Unless you are deciding to have a child in your own with no father involved at all, then there will always be a man involved in your child life.

Clymene · 05/12/2021 16:52

[quote LostForIdeas]@Skyll you did though.
You did the day when you decided to have a child with the father of your dc…..

Or are you saying that a man who is a father is different from a man who is a partner, with one type of man automatically not as much of a risk for the child than the other??
Or is that you’ve come to the conclusion that all men are bad and potentially dangerous so you don’t want them anywhere near you?

Unless you are deciding to have a child in your own with no father involved at all, then there will always be a man involved in your child life.[/quote]
Statistically, yes. Google the Cinderella effect.

It's well documented.

AncienneEtudiante · 05/12/2021 16:56

Yanbu. Blended families can go horribly wrong. Some people don't think it through.

Agree re the step parenting board on here which is full of women who have had their dp's dcs dumped on them. They become resentful. Then the get pregnant and put their foot down... it's a mess. Any mention of this by anyone and you get "oh poor me! Everyone's so mean to us step mums waaaaa...". Grow up.

AncienneEtudiante · 05/12/2021 16:58

And you get the poor me response even when it's clear the negative comments are about the shit dad and not the step mum at all. If you don't clap along and say "yeah hun. Horrible step kids! All their fault and the crazy ex", you're branded a step mum basher. Meh.

Icenii · 05/12/2021 17:17

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sayanythingelse · 05/12/2021 17:22

YANBU. There was a 2 year old local to us called Grace Thorpe that was killed by the boyfriend. He was sentenced last week. She had historic bruises and a rib that had been fractured weeks before he killed her. He was a drug user and abusive yet the mother obviously thought it was a good idea to have him around her children.

I do wonder how cases like this are investigated? Surely the mother should shoulder some responsibility for putting her DC in a dangerous situation?

Lampzade · 05/12/2021 17:25

My parents split up when I was young . One thing I am grateful for is that my mum didn’t bring a new man into the home while we were still young. I know that there are some wonderful blended families , but I don’t think that they are the norm.

gogohm · 05/12/2021 17:44

Not all men are abusers! How about concentrating on educating vulnerable women rather than accusing all men as potential child murders and all women as unable to have a life for up to 18 years. There are plenty of successful blended families.