Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To think people really need to stop letting strangers live with their children

499 replies

PuttingOnTheKitsch · 03/12/2021 12:44

Yet another child was murdered at the hands of a parent's "partner". There have been many, many cases of this happening, Daniel Pelka, Peter Connelley, Kyra Ishaq, the list is endless.

Yet, there will still be women on here, letting some random man move in with them and their child within six weeks and saying "Am I not allowed to have a life!?" if anyone points out that's a bad idea.

Men are just as bad, the step-parent's board was full of blokes who would dump their children on whichever woman they were seeing, while they carried on with their lives and the step mum would come on here and seethe at the poor behaviour of the children instead of understanding how distressing it must be for a young child to have a dad who foists you off on anyone.

Nobody died from not having a live-in partner.

If we truly want things to change, rather than shaking our fists at social workers, we need to look at ourselves as a wider society and stop expecting different results from the same poor behaviour.

OP posts:
Cosmois · 06/12/2021 07:13

This thread is frankly disgusting. I am not in or from a blended family but I know many happy ones. This thread just feels like an step-parenting bashing thread. Over 50% of marriages fail... it may be yours one day.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 06/12/2021 08:51

@Cosmois

This thread is frankly disgusting. I am not in or from a blended family but I know many happy ones. This thread just feels like an step-parenting bashing thread. Over 50% of marriages fail... it may be yours one day.
Plenty of us commenting agreeing with OP are single parents.
Clymene · 06/12/2021 08:58

Yep, I am a single parent.

I have experienced the pressure - not just from society but from friends (which I've been quite shocked by on occasion - not the people I'd expect) to meet someone new and 'settle down'.

I think some people in relationships find single women unsettling. And I think a lot of women stay in unhappy marriages because they're too afraid of the alternative.

hidinginquote · 06/12/2021 09:04

I haven't read all the replies as there are a lot so I don't know peoples general consensus on this, but I agree entirely. I have been with my partner for nearly 3 years and have 2 children, he only recently has been introduced to them in very small ways and I have absolutely no plans to live with him. He's a wonderful man and he's been amazing with my children so far but my children are more important than anything else.

BertramLacey · 06/12/2021 09:10

This thread is frankly disgusting. I am not in or from a blended family but I know many happy ones. This thread just feels like an step-parenting bashing thread. Over 50% of marriages fail... it may be yours one day.

It seems to consist of this on a loop:

P1: it's a good idea not to rush into new relationships quickly if you have children.

P2: I so agree. I am a single parent and I have sewn my vagina shut until my children are 18.

P3: Well done. Here are lots of stats saying how bad step dads are, even though the thread is at least partly about a step mum. Who wasn't really a step mum because marriage. And here are some threads. Some of them got deleted so were probably by trolls who do like to wind up Mumsnetters but let's ignore that and continue to look down on women we only just avoid describing as 4x4s.

P4: Now you're just bashing step mothers.

P5: No we're not. I've read the first post. Clearly we're just saying you need to take your time getting into relationships when you have children.

And return to P2.

Marianne1234 · 06/12/2021 09:12

Over 50% of marriages fail... it may be yours one day

Yup. But I still won’t be foisting random men on my daughters and expecting them to just deal with it.

I’m sorry if people feel bad about the stuff they’re reading here but potentially offending people is not a reason not to have these conversations.

Northernsoullover · 06/12/2021 09:13

Hmm, if my mum hadn't met and married my stepdad I would have been deprived of a wonderful father. Far better than my biological non abusive but completely disinterested 'father'. Quite simply my mother wouldn't have tolerated an abusive man. She had the means not to though. That said, I'm a lone parent and I haven't and wouldn't cohabit with a man. I haven't found anyone good enough and that's ok with me.

TrishM80 · 06/12/2021 09:51

Unfortunately some parents will always put their sex lives ahead of the safety and happiness of their children.

KylieKoKo · 06/12/2021 10:47

Some of the responses on here seem to imply that they think step mothers having a moan about their step children on a step parenting forum is somehow comparable to what happened to Arthur. Its really not and quite disrespectful to his memory that they are being discussed in this way.

DdraigGoch · 06/12/2021 10:55

He won't even acknowledge publicly how many of them he has.

Maybe because he can't. There may be court orders in place to protect the anonymity of the child.

HumpreyDowny · 06/12/2021 11:27

"Some of the responses on here seem to imply that they think step mothers having a moan about their step children on a step parenting forum is somehow comparable to what happened to Arthur."

I think reading those threads gives a good insight into many step mothers' discontent (lets put it mildly) with having SC, and what and how they think, which are certainly representative of feelings that can escalate to emotional or even physical hostility towards step children. So it is worthwhile for people thinking of bringing their children into such relationships to read those threads and have a real chat with their partners about issues that may arise.

Many people going into step relationships and moving in prematurely may be assuming that their children would be loved , treated the same as their partner's children, that it is ok to leave their children with the step mother for some hours, that it is ok for them to eat whatever is in the house etc. These posts clearly show there are many people who dont think this way, so worth knowing....

HumpreyDowny · 06/12/2021 11:30

note, a step mother saying: i cant stand my step children, want them out of the house, they make my skin crawl, she eats too much, she shouldnt inherit, etc are not just someone having a "moan". It is very alarming.

cadburyegg · 06/12/2021 11:34

Divorce / broken families can be an awful thing

I understand the sentiment of your post but please don't refer to divorced families as "broken". My children are not from a "broken" family. They have a much better home life than if I had stayed with their father. My own upbringing, with 2 parents who stayed together even though my father was abusive, was much more damaging

KylieKoKo · 06/12/2021 11:47

I think reading those threads gives a good insight into many step mothers' discontent (lets put it mildly) with having SC, and what and how they think, which are certainly representative of feelings that can escalate to emotional or even physical hostility towards step children

@HumpreyDowny I find this statement quite chilling.

For most people feeling exasperated a child does not lead to them abusing them. Does it for you?

twelly · 06/12/2021 11:51

Lots or mothers and fathers moan about their children as is evidenced by many comments on MN. It is not exclusive to "step" parents - children do try our patience from time to time. MN allows mothers in particular to share their frustration - using this now as a way to say new partners are the problem or even most of the problem shows a lack of understanding of the issues.

KylieKoKo · 06/12/2021 11:55

@HumpreyDowny

note, a step mother saying: i cant stand my step children, want them out of the house, they make my skin crawl, she eats too much, she shouldnt inherit, etc are not just someone having a "moan". It is very alarming.
This is not one step away from murdering a child.
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 06/12/2021 11:57

@HumpreyDowny

note, a step mother saying: i cant stand my step children, want them out of the house, they make my skin crawl, she eats too much, she shouldnt inherit, etc are not just someone having a "moan". It is very alarming.
It's not at all comparable to murder though is it?
Clymene · 06/12/2021 12:05

Most children aren't murdered. But an awful lot grow up in homes where they are made to feel unwelcome and unloveable. And yes, I think the step parents board on here shows quite how common that is

KylieKoKo · 06/12/2021 12:12

@Clymene

Most children aren't murdered. But an awful lot grow up in homes where they are made to feel unwelcome and unloveable. And yes, I think the step parents board on here shows quite how common that is
That's a bit like saying that the relationships forum shows that there's no point entering into a relationship with anyone because everyone cheats.

People tend to post when they are unhappy, you don't hear about the happy families.

Also, why is feeling unwelcome being discussed on the same thread about a poor murdered child? Using this poor boy's death as a stick to beat step mothers with is incredibly distasteful.

BertramLacey · 06/12/2021 12:30

Most children aren't murdered. But an awful lot grow up in homes where they are made to feel unwelcome and unloveable. And yes, I think the step parents board on here shows quite how common that is

I do occasionally moan about my partner's daughter. Sometimes we have a collective whinge about her. She's a teenager and she can have the most almighty temper tantrums. So we both on occasion get fed up with her behaviour. However, her father does put her first. He loves her very much and they actually have a very strong relationship. I care for her a great deal. I fully accept that she is the most important person in his life. He wouldn't be with me if I couldn't accept that and I wouldn't be with him if he was less of a father to her.

There have been times when we've dropped the daughter off at her mother's and have had to turn around within half an hour and go back and get her, because even down the phone, you can hear her mother screaming abuse at her. It's awful. It's horrible knowing that many of her moods are down to the way her mother acts around her so whilst her moods can be difficult, we do understand what's at the root of a lot of it and she is having counselling. And yes, contact with her mother is monitored and limited.

So personally I would tread carefully when using the stepparents' board as being indicative of greater problems. Get rid of the troll threads and the people letting off steam in difficult situations, in much the same way as actual parents do, and then see what you're left with.

PicsInRed · 06/12/2021 12:34

It would be interesting to see if Tustin was a mumsnetter and what she was posting ... and what the reception was.

I would guess there would have been a lot of "there, there" and "your feelings are entirely normal".

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 06/12/2021 12:36

@PicsInRed

It would be interesting to see if Tustin was a mumsnetter and what she was posting ... and what the reception was.

I would guess there would have been a lot of "there, there" and "your feelings are entirely normal".

Realistically though, she would have been lying about him in her posts. Just like she lied to the police about his behaviour.
KylieKoKo · 06/12/2021 12:36

@PicsInRed

It would be interesting to see if Tustin was a mumsnetter and what she was posting ... and what the reception was.

I would guess there would have been a lot of "there, there" and "your feelings are entirely normal".

Yes. I'd totally say that if someone was plotting to murder their step child.
PicsInRed · 06/12/2021 12:42

Realistically though, she would have been lying about him in her posts. Just like she lied to the police about his behaviour.

Of course she wouldn't say what she was doing to Arthur, but she'd complain about his (age and trauma level normal) behaviour, express her feelings of resentment, and complain about his mother of course.

And she would be comforted and encouraged for it.

weleasewoderick23 · 06/12/2021 12:47

I know someone like this. In the 6 years I've known her I have counted at least 7 partners that, although haven't move in, have been involved with her dd ( who's 9).
She also has an adult dd and ds and they both have major issues with their mum due to the succession of men coming and going their entire lives. It has all blown up now with the eldest ds causing trouble and threatening the current man because of his little sister. He's targeting the wrong person.

I'm a single parent myself and, as much as I appreciate she's allowed a life of her own, she's is not thinking of the dc as none of the men are keepers.

Yes, I'm judging. I'm no saint but nothing would come before the emotional well-being of my dc.