Fallen out with daughter’s ex-friend’s mother. Need a wider opinion.
Foodie321 · 03/12/2021 08:02
My 14 year old daughter was friends with a girl from primary school until they fell out earlier this year. I’m relieved as she was of the same age and getting drunk, engaging in risky sexual behaviour ruling her parents whilst trying to do the same with my daughter. The friend had given my daughter a coat last year that not longer fit her or even that she wanted so my daughter accepted. Now over 6 months later the family want the coat back. Personally I don’t have a problem with handing the coat back but we had paid £100 pounds for a concert ticket that they refused to hand over to us and instead took another friend. I have therefore asked for the £100 in return for the coat. The mother is refusing by saying that they took my daughter on holiday and that they will keep the £100 as a contribution. They had asked if my daughter could go on holiday to Wales for a week with them so we reluctantly accepted knowing that it wasn’t anywhere like Aya Napa! Friend’s mother mentioned they would do water sports so I placed £100 in an envelope as a contribution towards water sports, however they did not accept the money at the time and told my daughter to keep the money. No water sports were done and the week’s holiday was cut short by 3 days due to the friend’s demands to come home. I’m now a full-time student at university, they are not short of a bob or two but I appreciate that it isn’t the point. I’m just upset that they think they can rob me know months later and decide what money goes to whom as it suits them. It feels like they are taking revenge on us for ending the friendship. Should I forget about the money and just return the coat???
Am I being unreasonable?AIBU
You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
TheRigatonini · 03/12/2021 10:21
If you let them treat you like this they'll carry on doing it to everyone.
That’s a good one!
SockFluffInTheBath · 03/12/2021 10:23
It is dysfunctional and toxic
Isn’t it just. Sounds like the apple didn’t fall far from the tree in that family. I’d want to return the coat with a message that she’s out of order, and you’re returning the coat solely to be rid of her dysfunctional toxicity. I don’t know if I would though as it would probably stoke her to keep yapping on. I’d probably just send it back knowing she thought she’d won but knowing that actually I had because that mess of a family will always be a mess, and she’ll always be an unreasonable bitch, and I’m now free of them.
WorkingItOutAsIGo · 03/12/2021 10:23
By keeping the coat you are letting them live rent free in your head. Just give it back.
And call the school safeguarding lead about the daughters behaviour as she needs help.
MajorNeville · 03/12/2021 10:24
The way I see it is there are 3 separate instances.
Holiday, you offered £100, it was refused. Case closed
Coat, they gave you a coat. Case closed.
Concert, you paid £100 to see concert, you didn't see concert, £100 should be refunded.
I would write off the £100 as a price worth paying to be rid of them. No way would I return the coat, that said I probably wouldn't want dd to wear it either, so I'd donate.
SprayedWithDettol · 03/12/2021 10:25
Don’t give her the coat but has no monetary value or very little, she keep a ticket with a much higher net worth. Let her go to court (she won’t)!
SprayedWithDettol · 03/12/2021 10:25
Kept not keep obvs
Crunchymum · 03/12/2021 10:27
So your DD and her friend spent the £100? It was never returned to you?
3scape · 03/12/2021 10:27
Just block them now. Don't engage. They owe you £100. If that doesn't get paid then there's no conversation to be had.
CJsGoldfish · 03/12/2021 10:31
I get the feeling you love the drama otherwise you'd just return the coat. Your dd went on holiday with them so I'd call it even, give the coat back and move on. By not doing so, you can't claim the high ground if that is what you are wanting
starfishmummy · 03/12/2021 10:31
You're not going to get the money back.
Just return the coat. Petty revenge such as a rip in the coat is tempting but be the bigger person here. Return it and the block them!
honeylulu · 03/12/2021 10:32
Court action??? The court fee will be £35. I'd be surprised if the second hand coat is worth more than that! And you could counterclaim for the £100 debt without incurring an additional fee.
I can see why people are saying take the moral high ground and draw a line under it by returning the coat. But I hate being seen as a walkover and I'd just block/ delete/ignore. If she wanted to escalate it though I'd say bring it on, the judge is either going to laugh at you or bollock you for wasting the court's time.
You won't see your £100 again. People like that tie themselves in knots to justify that you "owed" it to them. Good riddance.
Pinkfluffyunicornsandrainbows · 03/12/2021 10:38
I wouldn't return the coat as it was given to your daughter and they now have your £100 so a fair exchange would be reasonable. If they don't want to give back the money then you don't give back the coat. Don't let these people treat you like a pushover. As you say you sent the £100 with your daughter on holiday, they didn't even do the water sports anyway and only had a few days away by the sounds of it as you said they came back 3 days early. As they told your daughter to keep the money they are being ridiculous to now say your £100 for the concert is being used as a contribution to the holiday. They chose not to accept it and that was their choice, the £100 they kept is NOT a contribution to the holiday it's stealing. If it went to court (which it never would) then they should be told to repay your money they have kept. I would not return the coat unless they give you your money back, don't let them treat you like rubbish.
Viviennemary · 03/12/2021 10:42
So they have twice fleeced you of £100. Oncd for a concert ticket and once for holiday sports which didn't happen. I would write to them stating they owe you £100 for a concert ticket that you had paid for and they kept it. They stole your money. Say you will be taking them to the small claims court. I would forget about the holiday as thats more a grey area if thry paid for your DD's food etc.
HarlanPepper · 03/12/2021 10:49
Just give the coat back.
Jux · 03/12/2021 10:54
Ignore them. Do you know how much it costs to open a small claim? They won't bother unless they're really vindictive, and that'll be obvious to everyone.
SofiaMichelle · 03/12/2021 10:58
Tell her you'll see her in court, the silly fucker.
What's she going to do? Small claims?
It will cost her roughly the same value as the coat to even try it and she'd still have to jump through hoops with letters before action, attempts at mediation, etc., before that happened. You can't simply decide you're "taking" someone to court and expect it will happen just because you want it to.
So tell her to crack on and if it comes to it give her the coat back just before it actually gets to court action - which it never would.
Earwigworries · 03/12/2021 11:00
Regardless of who’s right and wrong this is taking up too much of your time and thoughts - give the cost back and move on
Aderyn21 · 03/12/2021 11:03
There's no moral high ground in allowing yourself to be fleeced!
This is how cheeky fuckers get away with so much - nicer people give in for a quiet life. But honestly, I don't think giving in is setting the right example for your daughter- you want her to be able to stand up for her rights in life. For that reason this is a battle worth having.
A lot of the situations that people post about on MN leave me flabbergasted- they literally never happen to me and I think that's because cheeky fuckers are like sharks smelling blood - they can identify the nice reasonable people who are out of their depth when faced with massive levels of piss taking.
You need to toughen up and it will serve you well on future because you'll be less likely to be targeted by these types in the future.
I do like the pp idea of texting that you have given it to a friend.
Let her crack on and waste her money trying to take you to court.
unname · 03/12/2021 11:04
The coat doesn’t fit her and she’s asking for it just for drama?
Bookworm20 · 03/12/2021 11:07
I'm in the don't return the coat camp.
It was a gift, as too small for their DD. What sort of coat is it? Some designer thing worth hundreds or something? A family heirloom? Either way it was given to your DD as they didn't need it anymore. It is no longer their coat.
Imagine turning up to court and them saying they want the coat back that is too small for their DD anyway. They'd be laughed right out the door.
Also they owe you £100. But I doubt you'll see this.
I'd just tell them you will return the coat once they return the £100 for the concert ticket.
The only time you'd be unreasonable in demanding the concert ticket money is if you paid them for the ticket and then your dd refused to go to the concert and they then used it to take someone else instead of it going to waste.
MysteriousMonkey · 03/12/2021 11:08
I voted YANBU because clearly you're not. But maybe give the coat back anyway to get these awful people out of your life!
SerenTarot · 03/12/2021 11:17
Threatening legal action over a coat that her daughter gave to your daughter?
She'd be laughed out of court. Plus it would cost her many times what the coat is worth.
She's just being vindictive because the friendship has ended between the two girls.
As others have said, take photos to prove the condition of the coat and then wrap it up and deliver with a final text.
Then block and completely disengage.
You are better off with them out of your life. If £100 is the price you have to pay then so be it.
viques · 03/12/2021 11:23
The holiday money came home with the OPs daughter. The concert money is another issue, but the OPs daughter did have a free three days holiday in Wales (though without water sports) so I think they are pretty even.
I would give the coat back, even if it is apparently woven from unicorn tears and moonlight, it is a reminder of a dead friendship so let it go.
It’s a shame neither of the adults in the story are behaving like adults.
SecretKeeper1 · 03/12/2021 11:37
So did your daughter come back from the holiday with the £100 and give it back to you?
And where’s the coat from? Intrigued to know why they want it back so desperately, is it worth selling?
SeaToSki · 03/12/2021 11:46
Well you could take them to small claims court for your 100 pounds, send a note saying thank you for the idea….
But is it worth your time and energy? 100 pounds might be an expensive lesson for your DD that she wont forget and will benefit her the rest of her life
I would sit down with DD and talk through how you both got into this situation (just analyze, no blame) and then work through some different decisions you could have made at any stage and how that would have changed things for good or bad. Then chat about what you have both learned and what you both want to do to resolve it all. Make this a proper learning experience, that is your win.
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