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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Abusive dh wants kids 50/50

169 replies

Secretdancers · 02/12/2021 22:21

I'm posting here for traffic. Really need some help.
I have finally managed to tell my emotionally and financially abusive dh that I want a divorce. I can see him for who he really is, and want out.

The problem is that he is so so clever with appearances, and everyone thinks he's a really good husband and a nice guy. He is absolutely great with everyone else, just not me. I'm the one who gets all the bad stuff. His manipulation is so clever, you can't put a finger on it. I have no evidence.

I'm the event of divorce, he wants the kids with him 50/50. They are 6 and 8. I'm worried he will take all his darkness on them when I'm not around to protect them and I'm not there to take the shit instead. He is not violent, but invalidates them, is very authoritative, doesn't allow them to express emotions, makes unfavourable comparisons about them etc. I'm very close to my children, and handing them over every other week scares me so much that I've promised him I'd go to councelling with him to attempt to save our marriage.

I don't think the councelling will magically give him morals or empathy or cure him of his deeply dishonest and abusive ways. I really just want this to be over. But what do I do?

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 02/12/2021 22:24

You show your children how wonderful home can be by making their time with you relaxed. Then give them a bit of time to see him for who he is and tell him to get lost.

thefourgp · 02/12/2021 22:26

Does he actually spend time with them one on one at the moment? Does he already take them places by himself? My ex spouted that bullshit to try and control me at first but now hardly sees them because he’s no interest in being a dad.

coodawoodashooda · 02/12/2021 22:27

Mine didn't. Mine has them and is horrible to them.

Original poster
Secretdancers · 02/12/2021 22:31

@coodawoodashooda thanks for replying 🙏 but what do you mean? How can I hand my kids over to this man every other week knowing he will gaslight and manipulate them like he does with me?
And I don't think he will just go away. He likes to make me pay if I managed to gave a nice life without him. He is definitely the revenging type, and might take it out on the dc. For example right now he's super good with them, because he knows I want to divorce, and by being nice to dc I could see what a good husband /dad he is. I see through it now..

OP posts:
Original poster
Secretdancers · 02/12/2021 22:33

@thefourgp yes he's very hands on at the moment. Has been for a few years now. He can be very nice with them because he can take his shit out on me usually. But when he's angry with me, he's always shitty to the dc also.

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 02/12/2021 23:20

[quote Secretdancers]@coodawoodashooda thanks for replying 🙏 but what do you mean? How can I hand my kids over to this man every other week knowing he will gaslight and manipulate them like he does with me?
And I don't think he will just go away. He likes to make me pay if I managed to gave a nice life without him. He is definitely the revenging type, and might take it out on the dc. For example right now he's super good with them, because he knows I want to divorce, and by being nice to dc I could see what a good husband /dad he is. I see through it now..[/quote]
It's so difficult. You have to op. Your children deserve so much better but you deserve that they reject him because they see who he really is. The law will support him. You have to use the time to rest, rebuild your life and patiently wait for them to find out. It is a fkng horror.

Peppercorn9 · 02/12/2021 23:53

What a horrid situation - I'm sorry OP. Can you afford a good lawyer who specialises in this sort of thing? Or at least an initial consultation? It would be useful to get some advice on how you can start gathering evidence of his abusive behaviour. Courts will want to spilt contact (50/50 is the assumed starting point) but if you're able to prove that you're the main caregiver it might help your case. Unfortunately family courts give more weight to the wishes of fathers than children, and are fixated on the child's right to a relationship with both parents (even if that's to the children's detriment - it's fucked up). There are bound to be groups on social media etc for women in similar positions - they might be a useful source of info and support. Very best of luck Flowers

TyrannosaurusRights · 03/12/2021 00:06

Your best bet is to be really positive about the idea.

You’ll have lots of free time to pursue your passions. Your going to take up dancing/race car maintenance/abstract flower arranging. You’ve been offered a new job and can do school hours when the kids are with you and longer hours when he has them. You’ve joined a fabulous book club and are learning about wine tasting there. Etc etc.

You’re so grateful he’s suggested splitting time equally with the kids. It give you both wonderful family time and time for your own things.

He doesn’t want the kids. He wants to control you.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/12/2021 00:06

They can be in a toxic environment where they are unhappy 100% of the time, or 50% of the time. I appreciate the latter is awful but it's still better than the alternative. And it's amazing how many fathers claim to want 50:50 then don't follow long term in reality. Or even medium term.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/12/2021 00:07

He doesn’t want the kids. He wants to control you.

This. Go through the motions and show him you won't fight 50:50 and he's likely to get bored of the idea pretty quickly.

Original poster
Secretdancers · 03/12/2021 06:34

I'm afraid he does want the kids. He likes to hold up this image of himself as a wonderful father and a family man. Being divorced would not change that. He would probably try gain sympathy from the world for being a single father, left by his wife and devoted to his children.
Everyone would believe him. I believed him for years. But then I realised that a wonderful husband and father does not cheat with prostitutes, lie about money, bring home stds, call me fat (I've always been size 8/10), doesn't tell me I'm lazy when sahm etc, etc..

OP posts:
gamerchick · 03/12/2021 06:37

They always say they will take the kids. Trust me, when he finds another woman to put up with his shit he'll mess them And you around.

See a good solicitor, you need a plan. Play the long game and log absolutely everything.

gamerchick · 03/12/2021 06:38

And it's time to stop hiding this IRL. Get it out into the open with you friends. Abusers thrive on secrecy.

Original poster
Secretdancers · 03/12/2021 06:44

I don't know if I'm explaining correctly, but to him appearances are everything. He likes to send pictures of his lovely family to family and friends. He gives gifts to teachers and others involved in the dcs care, who then obviously adore him. He likes to socialise as a family and dress everyone up really nicely to show us off. Everyone says what a lovely family we are, and I believed the storyline too for years. Just couldn't figure out why I was so unhappy all the time. He even made me believe his use of prostitutes was somehow my fault, because I was somehow faulty sexually. It really is so confusing and I have been massively manipulated.

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 03/12/2021 06:46

Is he actually going to want them 50% of the time in reality ?
He’s probably threatening this to stop him having to pay maintenance.

Original poster
Secretdancers · 03/12/2021 06:49

@gamerchick I think he would be more agreeable to the split if I promised to keep his secrets. I really do worry what exposing him to everyone would mean. I actually think he is a covert narcissist, and loosing face is a really big thing. He is not violent, but I fear there's a possibility it could turn violent if I humiliated him in front of everyone. He has told me that he wants to 'smash my face in' once in an argument.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 03/12/2021 06:51

He doesn't have to be agreeable, it's not up to him. Please see a solicitor and confide in someone.

GoodnightGrandma · 03/12/2021 06:53

If you are ever scared of him , call the police.

Shownaphoto · 03/12/2021 06:54

I know people are trying to be helpful. But the OP had repeatedly said that as far as she knows, he definitely wants the children. She knows him better than we do.

I have no idea honestly, OP. It’s incredibly difficult. Flowers

Theunamedcat · 03/12/2021 06:56

You need evidence of how he really is sadly

IAAP · 03/12/2021 06:57

[quote Secretdancers]@coodawoodashooda thanks for replying 🙏 but what do you mean? How can I hand my kids over to this man every other week knowing he will gaslight and manipulate them like he does with me?
And I don't think he will just go away. He likes to make me pay if I managed to gave a nice life without him. He is definitely the revenging type, and might take it out on the dc. For example right now he's super good with them, because he knows I want to divorce, and by being nice to dc I could see what a good husband /dad he is. I see through it now..[/quote]
You have no evidence so it is likely he will get 50/50.

My son sees his emotionally abusive father several times a year and plays video games all day - hardly parenting - he is just a toy at the moment he is 7 I can not see him wanting to go at 14

Original poster
Secretdancers · 03/12/2021 07:01

@IAAP that's so sad. I'm sorry you're also both stuck in this situation. I'm wondering if I can hold on til the dc are a bit older and can decide where to stay 😭

OP posts:
Santaischeckinglists · 03/12/2021 07:15

Personally I would be investing in some tech.
Hidden camera in a dc's toy maybe? Or a button one in a coat.
Given current dc related court cases I wouldn't be chancing anything.. My ex was similar. When dc were 12 and 14 they went nc with df and told me about the abuse and neglect they suffered while with him..

Duckschmuck · 03/12/2021 07:16

My ex was and is like that. He has dragged me and more importantly my children through the mire.

I fought tooth and nail to get a CAO, fortunately for me the court seemed to understand it needed to be very prescriptive. He still pushes everything to the limit. Even now, years later,anyway he can hurt me he will and he has no compunction about using the children to do this.

But, I have learnt to have super strict boundaries with him, I now compartmentalise my stress about dealing with him. The children have suffered but they have a loving home with me and have grown to be surprising astute and lovely people.

At your point I thought the same, should I stay, but I couldn't any more. Over the years I have questioned whether it would have been better if I had stayed, but now I'm glad I didn't. The children gravitated to me anyway and have become resilient, empathetic individuals. They have the values I demonstrated and have grown (as I have) and I'm glad that is what they have seen, not someone who tolerated them being treated badly and did little, but someone who did their best to provide a decent life for them.

Honestly, it probably won't be easier in the short term but now I really respect myself and I'm a much stronger person and my children are too.

jackiebenimble · 03/12/2021 07:16

I totally agree that his demands for 50/50 are because he knows it will scare you. Its worked as you have now agreed to counselling. It will also be because in 50/50 you get no maintenance so he can financially control you then.

I can see it's terrifying. But does he understand what 50/50 means. That you share both the fun times and the boring mid week daily grind. So as well as working he does all his own drop offs and pick ups and makes packed lunches and does all the school admin and work, birthday parties, clubs. From what you describe he would tire of this quickly as its a lot of grunt work and v little glory or ego massage.

With the concerns you have there is no way i'd agree to one week on one week off schedule. Its too long for the kids. You need to do something with shorter
Stints. Its then also easier for you to keep an eye on whats going on.