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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Abusive dh wants kids 50/50

169 replies

Secretdancers · 02/12/2021 22:21

I'm posting here for traffic. Really need some help.
I have finally managed to tell my emotionally and financially abusive dh that I want a divorce. I can see him for who he really is, and want out.

The problem is that he is so so clever with appearances, and everyone thinks he's a really good husband and a nice guy. He is absolutely great with everyone else, just not me. I'm the one who gets all the bad stuff. His manipulation is so clever, you can't put a finger on it. I have no evidence.

I'm the event of divorce, he wants the kids with him 50/50. They are 6 and 8. I'm worried he will take all his darkness on them when I'm not around to protect them and I'm not there to take the shit instead. He is not violent, but invalidates them, is very authoritative, doesn't allow them to express emotions, makes unfavourable comparisons about them etc. I'm very close to my children, and handing them over every other week scares me so much that I've promised him I'd go to councelling with him to attempt to save our marriage.

I don't think the councelling will magically give him morals or empathy or cure him of his deeply dishonest and abusive ways. I really just want this to be over. But what do I do?

OP posts:
PastMyBestBeforeDate · 03/12/2021 17:05

It's not a good idea to go for counselling with an abusive partner, particularly when they're as good at manipulating people as you say your H is. He'll spin a story to the counsellor to paint him as the Saint and you the sinner. You'll be tied up in knots before you know it. And he'll use it to vindicate himself.

coodawoodashooda · 03/12/2021 19:06

@PastMyBestBeforeDate

It's not a good idea to go for counselling with an abusive partner, particularly when they're as good at manipulating people as you say your H is. He'll spin a story to the counsellor to paint him as the Saint and you the sinner. You'll be tied up in knots before you know it. And he'll use it to vindicate himself.
Yes. This happened to me.
KeyboardWorriers · 03/12/2021 19:32

I agree @PastMyBestBeforeDate (however doesn't stop cafcass pushing abuse victims to mediate/try family counseling HmmAngry )

Original poster
Secretdancers · 03/12/2021 20:39

@dottiedodah I'm not young 😭 I'm 40! Been with dh nearly 20 years now. I really didn't see the abusiveness in the years before dc (the red flags were there, but was blind). After dc, I was trapped and unhappy without really understanding why..

OP posts:
Goawayangryman · 03/12/2021 21:49

It doesn't always follow that such men will do a disappearing act. They can be utterly tenacious bastards especially if image is everything. However. It will not take too long for your kids to see him for what he is. Mine started to cotton on when they were about 11 or 12.

In the meantime I would definitely big up how much you're looking forward to your free time and seeing your friends and going out. Not in front of the kids.

I wouldn't stoop to his level threatening to reveal all unless your contact preferences were met. But I absolutely would tell all close friends and family in a matter of fact way why you were separating. It doesn't pay to hold your head high and be strong and silent. One thing I would say however is... Be prepared for the disbelieving looks and apologists. That was the hardest thing I had to deal with in my separation.

The kids will realise sooner rather than later. They really will. Sometimes, NOT protecting them from the other parent's personality flaws can be the kindest thing in the long run..nothing worse than growing up thinking 'is it just me?? Why don't others find this person reprehensible?' or worse, not even questioning the behaviour because it is utterly normalised in your home environment.

Original poster
Secretdancers · 04/12/2021 23:44

I have to write this out somewhere because I really despair with this man!
Yesterday we had a text discussion about how one of us has to stay at home today to look after ill dc, and I volunteered because I had a shorter day at work.
So I'm home with kids all day. No phone call, text, nothing. He didn't call older dc either who has his own phone. No communication all day. He left before I even woke up.
Then just before he was due to finish, sent him a short shopping list of things that we need and if he could pop to the shop in his way home. He replies, yes, I'll just go pick up the kids first?! WTF?!
He thought all day that I was at work, and that kids were home alone and that was OK. And not only that, but he thought they were home alone and had not even called them to see how they're doing?!
I lost it. I've been so calm and collected, but when I see him being irresponsible with the dc, I loose my mind. I shouted and screamed at him, and the kids heard it all. I mentioned how could he parent 50/50 like this and he turned it against me that he can see my game and why I'm making such a big deal out of this.
Then he went on telling me I'm mentally abusive.
He is such a slippery fish. He does something shockingly bad/irresponsible /nasty and I react and get the blame.
It's so hard. I honestly despair.

OP posts:
Original poster
Secretdancers · 04/12/2021 23:51

And on top of that, he told me he wants more than 50/50 of our shared finances! We are mortgage free with the house we're living in now, but have another property in London where we used to live and which he developed whilst I was a sahm. We are joint owners, both on the mortgage, and it's being rented out.
He says the London property belongs to him fully because he developed it, and I have to buy him out of the house we live in now! I can't believe the cheek of him.
Of course it doesn't work like that since we co-own both properties together, and are married, but I can see he is going to put up a huge fight.

OP posts:
oviraptor21 · 05/12/2021 08:48

Well he won't, as you know, get far with that line.
If you were a sahp and have a lower earning potential you're likely to get a bit more than him in a divorce settlement.
I suggest you try and get one of these (hopefully still available) free 30 minute session with a solicitor.

RandomMess · 05/12/2021 09:34

You need to stop communicating with about divorces and the shared care arrangements.

You need to start blagging about how great 50:50 will be as you can take up hobbies, go away on holidays, start dating. I really think he will become focused on wanting to stop your future plans. Start alternating weekends and go away and stay with friends and let him have the DC on his own. The bar is so low it's very difficult to stop him having 39-50% shared care.

You know the law regarding the finances so that you can ignore his demands.

Sorry he is such an awful person Thanks

coodawoodashooda · 05/12/2021 09:51

@Goawayangryman

It doesn't always follow that such men will do a disappearing act. They can be utterly tenacious bastards especially if image is everything. However. It will not take too long for your kids to see him for what he is. Mine started to cotton on when they were about 11 or 12.

In the meantime I would definitely big up how much you're looking forward to your free time and seeing your friends and going out. Not in front of the kids.

I wouldn't stoop to his level threatening to reveal all unless your contact preferences were met. But I absolutely would tell all close friends and family in a matter of fact way why you were separating. It doesn't pay to hold your head high and be strong and silent. One thing I would say however is... Be prepared for the disbelieving looks and apologists. That was the hardest thing I had to deal with in my separation.

The kids will realise sooner rather than later. They really will. Sometimes, NOT protecting them from the other parent's personality flaws can be the kindest thing in the long run..nothing worse than growing up thinking 'is it just me?? Why don't others find this person reprehensible?' or worse, not even questioning the behaviour because it is utterly normalised in your home environment.

This post has almost made me cry. Especially the part about the disbelieving looks and the kindest thing being to let them find out for themselves. It is a particular kind of hell though. Can you please tell me what happened when your children were 11 and 12?
PicsInRed · 05/12/2021 10:08

In 5 years, plus the 6 to 12 months it will take for CAFCASS to speak to your children, they will be 12 and 14. At those ages, CAFCASS will give significant weight to their opinions.

Strategically, can you wait 5 years? Keeping a record of his abuse as you go?

Original poster
Secretdancers · 05/12/2021 12:40

@PicsInRed I've already waited for 6 years since I found out about the prostitutes 😭 Ive reached a point now that I can't even bring myself to have sex with him anymore, and for him, that means it's over anyways.
He also wants out now. But he wants to take me down in the process.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 05/12/2021 12:47

In that case I would put it in the hands of a good solictor. If your effectively doing all the childcare now, judges don't like to upturn the apple cart too much for the children without good reason, so a good barrister may be able to swing it for you.

In all likelihood you will receive at least 50% of assets, he knows this and that's why he bullying you.

Original poster
Secretdancers · 05/12/2021 12:55

He has backtracked and said he can sign our home over to me and I can stay here with the kids.
However, the London property is worth over 3x more once mortgage is paid off. We have tenants, and he keeps all the rent. Also there's a big plot of land there which he wants to develop further. It was our pension plan to live off the rental income.
Should I just be happy to keep my home, or demand half of everything?!

OP posts:
Plantstrees · 05/12/2021 12:59

My ex got angry in Court showing his true character and as a result he was only awarded supervised contact once a fortnight. After a few supervised visits he gave up trying to have contact. I was so relieved. I know how scary this is and all I can suggest is that you get a good solicitor.

PicsInRed · 05/12/2021 13:00

@Secretdancers

He has backtracked and said he can sign our home over to me and I can stay here with the kids. However, the London property is worth over 3x more once mortgage is paid off. We have tenants, and he keeps all the rent. Also there's a big plot of land there which he wants to develop further. It was our pension plan to live off the rental income. Should I just be happy to keep my home, or demand half of everything?!
You aren't demanding, you are simply exercising your minimum right under the law. The starting point for asset and debt division is 50/50.

Leave this with solicitors. As there is emotional and financial abuse, you are able to attend a MIAM and receive an exemption from mediation (which would be an expensive waste of time with an abuser). Some mediators will do a hard sell, but stick to your guns, get your exemption, and leave all further matters with your solicitor.

Unfortunately with a man like this, you'll need child and financial orders to extract yourself from his control.

RandomMess · 05/12/2021 13:24

If he wants out then let him do some for the leg work.

50:50 is the minimum you are entitled to. Get recommendations for solicitors that have achieved great outcomes for high conflict divorces with high earning and SAHM with more than one property etc. The money spent on an excellent solicitor will be a great long term investment. Book appointments and visit them.

If he knows the 50:50 is your weak spot he will use that against you and threaten. Mr Nice alternating with Mr Nasty will be on repeat just like now. He's being Mr Nice to try and get you to accept his crappy offer!

Original poster
Secretdancers · 05/12/2021 14:11

Definitely need some legal advice. The problem is that we are not high earners. We have put all our money on property, and both earn average incomes at the moment. I pay for everything in this house. Its been hard to make him even to contribute to weekly food shop. He keeps his salary and the rent (he does the maintenance and upkeep at the rental property though). Such a mess. I have no savings.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 05/12/2021 15:07

Well, yeah, he's done this on purpose to ensure you are without the means to leave. It's financial abuse.

Good solicitors have access to loans you can obtain which are repayable on sale of property - you'll need to keep an eye on the work and billings but it could be a good option if you're property rich and cash poor.

There are also low interest or interest free balance transfer credit cards.

PicsInRed · 05/12/2021 15:08

He may be more willing to negotiate reasonably (with your solicitor!) when he realises you've discovered how to fund court proceedings.

billy1966 · 05/12/2021 15:40

So he is financially abusive too.

Ring Women's aid for support asap.

Flowers
AnFiadhRua · 05/12/2021 15:45

You poor thing. These guys want to take you down even though the children will be passengers to that.

My advice is to say 50:50 sounds great. That way we'll be sharing the freedom equally. I can't have you enjoying all the freedom!

Make it seem that FREEDOM is what you value above all else and that you cannot wait for more freedom.

coodawoodashooda · 05/12/2021 15:52

You need to go to the police. Start to document his manipulative abuse.

Suzanne999 · 05/12/2021 16:00

First off I’d speak to a solicitor—- about the children and the finances. You own 2 properties and you have a lot of tears ahead of you, it’s essential you get the financial split 50/50.

I think you need evidence of his behaviour. You need proof of things he says, anything he says to the children. It’ll mean recording him somehow and it’s essential you don’t lose you temper at all in the recordings.

It’s a really difficult situation though your children are old enough to give their opinions on their time with him. I would be concerned with leaving children with him after you separate from what you’ve said.

Goawayangryman · 05/12/2021 16:46

@coodawoodashooda when my eldest turned 12 she started to get annoyed with her dad's temper (not physical) and strops and found her voice. I didn't minimise it, I just... Heard it and let her know she was heard. She also started to perceive the scapegoating (of her) and the fact her dad doesn't really know her. The biggest benefit to her is that she has learned to trust her feelings and her instincts. I wonder what would have happened had I stayed. She might have just thought she deserved to be scapegoated and subject to strops.