Abusive dh wants kids 50/50

[Secretdancers]

I'm posting here for traffic. Really need some help.
I have finally managed to tell my emotionally and financially abusive dh that I want a divorce. I can see him for who he really is, and want out.

The problem is that he is so so clever with appearances, and everyone thinks he's a really good husband and a nice guy. He is absolutely great with everyone else, just not me. I'm the one who gets all the bad stuff. His manipulation is so clever, you can't put a finger on it. I have no evidence.

I'm the event of divorce, he wants the kids with him 50/50. They are 6 and 8. I'm worried he will take all his darkness on them when I'm not around to protect them and I'm not there to take the shit instead. He is not violent, but invalidates them, is very authoritative, doesn't allow them to express emotions, makes unfavourable comparisons about them etc. I'm very close to my children, and handing them over every other week scares me so much that I've promised him I'd go to councelling with him to attempt to save our marriage.

I don't think the councelling will magically give him morals or empathy or cure him of his deeply dishonest and abusive ways. I really just want this to be over. But what do I do?

[quote Secretdancers]@thefourgp yes he's very hands on at the moment. Has been for a few years now. He can be very nice with them because he can take his shit out on me usually. But when he's angry with me, he's always shitty to the dc also.[/quote]
With you out of the way
He should continue to be nice to them

And they are old enough to report to you if they have bad timefor you to take action

Get divorced and get him out of your life

Give nice calm home for your dc
It s what you owe them
You cannot stop any contact while you stay together for sure
If it is bad when you divorced the dc can say so and you can take it further

@Secretdancers

I'm so ashamed to say but I've started to backtrack on my divorce plans. This man is prepared to make my and our dcs life absolute hell if I'm going through divorce. He told me he will absolutely 'hate' me if I demand 50% of our joint properties and there's no chance of any friendly relationship in between us.

He's completely awful, but I don't think I can do this to my kids. They are feeling very upset and unsafe in this situation, and I just feel like burying my head in the sand and just keep on going with the normal everyday life. He's made it clear that if I am to divorce, everyone will suffer.

He's fine with me not having sex with him at least, so maybe I'll just wait until the dc are old enough to walk away from him rather than being forced to do 50/50.

He's showing his true colours and it's not pretty. We are going ahead with the councelling, but honestly I just can't stand him. He's vile and manipulative, but he won't let me go without destroying this whole family in the process. He's not violent towards anyone, and I police his questionable parenting practices a lot, so maybe staying does the least damage to the kids..

No You need to get out You will be driven to m h breakdown And you will then be zero use to dc Get out For their sake Anyone can leave I e you are legally in your rights Get good lawyer

Do go to counsellor on your own to a separate one
Do not go with a manipulator

@Tigertigertigertiger we own 2 properties 50/50. One with, and one without a mortgage. The one without a mortgage is worth 3x more than the one we we live in.

He wants to give me the family home with no mortgage, but wants me to sign the London rental property off to him completely. There is rental income, and tenants, and he manages the whole thing. He also developed it, but during our marriage when I was a sahm. That's why I have no claim according to him, as I 'took no interest' in the development and he funded it through his business. I was a sahm of a baby and a toddler at the time and the property was our home.

Unless I agree to give him the more expensive property, he has promised to 'hate' me. I should be happy with the mortgage-free family home.
Which of course I am, but the rental property was our pension plan, and it will be worth a lot more once mortgage has been paid, plus the continuous income from tenants. Just doesn't seem fair.

He sees the London property as his, because I was so lazy and he worked do hard for it.
When we met, we were both equally poor. Neither of us had any wealth. It all got accumulated during our relationship, and everything is jointly owned. It's a nightmare.

Having been in an emotionally abusive relationship before I know how hard it is to leave.

But you must for you and your children's sake. Do you want them growing up thinking it's acceptable to treat others and be treated as you are? The only answer is no and the only way they will know that is by you leaving. They may not understand the reasons why but in time they appreciate that it's better to be out of an unhealthy relationship than stuck in one.

Go see a divorce lawyer to understand what you're entitled to.

Seek help to deal with angry outbursts so that you can't be portrayed as the unstable one.

Document the instances of emotional and financial abuse.

I want to leave, but there really is no easy way to. He will make my life hell. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to do that.
I work shifts and he looks after the kids quite a bit. I would have to give up my job if I left right now, and then how do I manage my life? I think I need a better plan, because civilised co-parenting is off the table. He's declared a full on war if I leave. I've got no savings and I pay for everything in this house whilst he keeps the rental income.

[quote Secretdancers]@Tigertigertigertiger we own 2 properties 50/50. One with, and one without a mortgage. The one without a mortgage is worth 3x more than the one we we live in.

He wants to give me the family home with no mortgage, but wants me to sign the London rental property off to him completely. There is rental income, and tenants, and he manages the whole thing. He also developed it, but during our marriage when I was a sahm. That's why I have no claim according to him, as I 'took no interest' in the development and he funded it through his business. I was a sahm of a baby and a toddler at the time and the property was our home.

Unless I agree to give him the more expensive property, he has promised to 'hate' me. I should be happy with the mortgage-free family home.
Which of course I am, but the rental property was our pension plan, and it will be worth a lot more once mortgage has been paid, plus the continuous income from tenants. Just doesn't seem fair.

He sees the London property as his, because I was so lazy and he worked do hard for it.
When we met, we were both equally poor. Neither of us had any wealth. It all got accumulated during our relationship, and everything is jointly owned. It's a nightmare.[/quote]
Just hand the negotiation to your lawyer
Let your lawyer pointvout the ££££you saVed in childcare fees by sahm

This is ongoing financial abuse. That is why refuges exist.

You could apply for an occupation order whilst living in a refuge.

Perhaps the first thing is to look for a different job that isn't shift work.

He is financially abusive.

He keeps you in poverty paying for everything whilst he banks all monies.

100% financially abusive which is a crime.

OP, this is your life until you reach out for help.

The police, asking for DV advice for being financially/emotionally abused.

Women's aid for support and a plan.

A solicitor and a forensic accountant so you get what is legally yours.

@Secretdancers

I have to write this out somewhere because I really despair with this man! Yesterday we had a text discussion about how one of us has to stay at home today to look after ill dc, and I volunteered because I had a shorter day at work. So I'm home with kids all day. No phone call, text, nothing. He didn't call older dc either who has his own phone. No communication all day. He left before I even woke up. Then just before he was due to finish, sent him a short shopping list of things that we need and if he could pop to the shop in his way home. He replies, yes, I'll just go pick up the kids first?! WTF?! He thought all day that I was at work, and that kids were home alone and that was OK. And not only that, but he thought they were home alone and had not even called them to see how they're doing?! I lost it. I've been so calm and collected, but when I see him being irresponsible with the dc, I loose my mind. I shouted and screamed at him, and the kids heard it all. I mentioned how could he parent 50/50 like this and he turned it against me that he can see my game and why I'm making such a big deal out of this. Then he went on telling me I'm mentally abusive. He is such a slippery fish. He does something shockingly bad/irresponsible /nasty and I react and get the blame. It's so hard. I honestly despair.

He doesn’t sound particularly subtle here. Living with him is like a slow boil, and can be deceptive- he may be less convincing to others than you anticipate

OP, come on, you need to get a grip. You don't need refugee help, you are not in danger. You need a good lawyer. Tell the lawyer everything about reasons for divorce, concerns about emotional abuse for children and financial assets and they will tell what are your realistic chances. It is 2 hour conversation and you will know exactly what you can achieve. Victim mother is not a good example for kids.

You need to see a solicitor to understand the financial piece. The second house might well be worth more in the long term, but depending on the remaining mortgage, bear in mind that any payout would take current value into account only, minus the mortgage. Having a secure family home that is mortgage free is, in my opinion, worth a great deal.

Also, your first post says you have no proof. But it sounds like you have plenty of proof. You said he used prostitutes and has admitted it - if that was ever on text format, brilliant, but I think you could certainly include that in any divorce proceedings either way. He gave you an STD if I'm understanding your OP correctly - more proof of, at the very least, an extra-marital affair.

He is not competent to look after the children - you know this because he has forgotten to pick them up, forgotten agreed arrangements etc. Again, you can prove that because you have the text messages etc.

I think a good solicitor would have plenty to say on this.

I actually recorded a long conversation=argument we had about the finances, and it's so interesting to hear back all the different manipulation techniques he tried to use on me.

This is one of my plans. To do this whenever we talk about anything other than daily stuff.
I will get my own head and emotional state in a good place and try to observe him rather than get emotionally affected. And when it comes to keeping appointments etc I'll just have to assume that he won't. I already text him reminders for every single thing, so I'll keep on screen grabbing all those conversations too.

In that recorded conversation he actually told me that he's a much better cook than I am, and that once he started to learn how to cook, he became much better than me so quickly.
I mean, that would be hilarious if it wasn't my life. And yes, he cooks really well, but the fact he thinks that would somehow hurt my feelings is 🤯

@Iwonder08 I am not being a victim mother. For years and years I've thought I'm the real problem in this relationship, and if only I was less selfish, more caring, more giving etc.it would all be OK.
I even took some of the blame for the prostitutes, because he told me he wouldn't have done it if I was a good enough partner.
It's been through reading about narcissism and manipulation that I've realised maybe it's not me after all, and now being calm and trying to be civil, he is becoming more and more vindictive.

Have to say I think you are right he sounds really narcissistic. I'd get yourself a good solicitor. Start documenting every interaction. Maybe contact women's aid for them to assess you. I'm sure you get just how dangerous this time can be for women. I think you are right if you upset a narc you will trigger their narcissistic rage which tends to be nuclear in proportions. Be careful OP. Glad you are free though life on the other side of narcs is good.

@Secretdancers

I want to leave, but there really is no easy way to. He will make my life hell. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to do that. I work shifts and he looks after the kids quite a bit. I would have to give up my job if I left right now, and then how do I manage my life? I think I need a better plan, because civilised co-parenting is off the table. He's declared a full on war if I leave. I've got no savings and I pay for everything in this house whilst he keeps the rental income.

You get child care eg live in au pair He continues to baby sit the dc Etc

I’ve been there. I know it’s hard. I do.
Once you see a solicitor your eyes will be wide open.
It feels a scary step. But it’s not. It’s just finding out where you stand. You don’t have to do anything with that, it’s just information. That’s all.
He can’t make these empty threats and manipulate you once you know what the law states.

Although we would all cheer you on if you did something with that information.

Don’t forget children quickly tune into who the aggressor is in a relationship and learns to pacify them so they stay on the right side and not on the receiving end.

This is not going to be a popular opinion here.
I’d take the mortgage free family home and let him have the rental property.

But stop rising to his baits
Hard I know
But disengage

@Tigertigertigertiger

This is not going to be a popular opinion here. I’d take the mortgage free family home and let him have the rental property.

He will change his mind on that offer next time he has a shit and thinks about it.

'Don’t forget children quickly tune into who the aggressor is in a relationship and learns to pacify them so they stay on the right side and not on the receiving end.'

This happened with me OP and I so so regret not leaving when DC was younger. We are finally getting divorced but it breaks my heart to see my teen 'pacify' him. Like your partner my STBXH regresses to a ridiculous (ridiculous if it didn't mentally affect me how it does), malignant little child. Everything is a competition.

He cooks better
He drives better
He is always sicker
He has the best car
He is a better father
He has better shoes

All of that is his own estimation of himself.

I will make dinner and he will pull a face and declare loudly in front of DC 'wasn't what I cooked last night amazing (for the 10yh time). He is a 43 year old man! He teases my teen DC until cries. A teenager. When pulled up on it 'it's just banter have a sense of humour'

Why I am saying this, is because like other PP have said.. get a solicitor it will make you feel stronger knowing his threats are empty. Narcissists are bullies. My STBXH is scared of the legalities of our divorce because he cannot hide from plain and simple law in that respect. So BE STRONG. I stayed for too long because I thought, like you, that it was better to protect my son from the emotional abuse.

But what I have come to realise is that it wasn't working anyway. I wasn't able to fully parent him to protect him while staying married. The way I look at it now is that I will at least be able parent and catch my teen when he falls during the time he is with me.

@Handholdtoday well done for leaving!
All this sounds so familiar. Saying something hurtful/sarcastic and then claiming it was a joke!

In the past month, I've actually tried to put the wheels in motion to leave. I told him it's over. Moved to sleep in a different room. Told a friend and a relative divorce is on the cards. Have posted here and trying to look for a job that fits family life better.

I thought we could do it sort of amicably. He understands my decision. But the financial blackmail and the pure hatred I've seen from him is making me wobble. I feel like I need to calm things down for the dcs sake and take a slow and steady approach. Maybe make him believe somehow its in his best interest to divorce me.

I am tempted just to take the family home and let him have the rental property, but I was a sahm for 5 years, and don't gave any other pension plans. Plus the property is likely to be worth even more in 20 years' time with inflation and mortgage paid off. It doesn't seem fair that the one who cheated, lied and treated me so badly should walk away with a disproportionate share.

Off course what he is suggesting isn't fair that is why he is bullying and threatening you into accepting it!

Lawyer up. Seriously. Please do it soon, because this isn't going to get any better. A lawyer will give you an understanding of your rights in this situation. Don't try to second guess this, get an expert involved. Because one option might be to sell it all and split the proceeds 50/50 (which is what my ex and I did, rather than keep the property.) But you won't know until you talk with a legal expert.

Also ignore his threats of hating you. He already hates you. But after divorce you can have a minimal contact or no contact situation with him, so it won't matter. My ex hates me, and I honestly don't give a f#$% about it anymore.

You and the dc will have a better life on the other side of this. You really will. Hold to that truth.

Calmly won’t work with this man.
He’s going to be a twat. He’s going to be a dick however you do it

The only thing he is interested in is himself, not what’s right for you, or the kids, or the law. No matter how nice and calm you are, he’s going to blow up or manipulate you and use it as a weakness that you don’t want to rock the boat.

If you settle that with yourself now, go in fully eyes open (with a lawyer). If he knows your intentions now, he will be squirrelling paperwork away, inventing stuff and creating his own narrative already. So please start to get some copies of paperwork hidden somewhere and book that solicitor so you know where you stand.