Abusive dh wants kids 50/50

[Secretdancers]

I'm posting here for traffic. Really need some help.
I have finally managed to tell my emotionally and financially abusive dh that I want a divorce. I can see him for who he really is, and want out.

The problem is that he is so so clever with appearances, and everyone thinks he's a really good husband and a nice guy. He is absolutely great with everyone else, just not me. I'm the one who gets all the bad stuff. His manipulation is so clever, you can't put a finger on it. I have no evidence.

I'm the event of divorce, he wants the kids with him 50/50. They are 6 and 8. I'm worried he will take all his darkness on them when I'm not around to protect them and I'm not there to take the shit instead. He is not violent, but invalidates them, is very authoritative, doesn't allow them to express emotions, makes unfavourable comparisons about them etc. I'm very close to my children, and handing them over every other week scares me so much that I've promised him I'd go to councelling with him to attempt to save our marriage.

I don't think the councelling will magically give him morals or empathy or cure him of his deeply dishonest and abusive ways. I really just want this to be over. But what do I do?

@GoodnightGrandma

Is he actually going to want them 50% of the time in reality ? He’s probably threatening this to stop him having to pay maintenance.

I disagree. I didn't think we'd see my xh again. He was barely involved in any aspect of family life. Then of course he discovered his, 'rights'. They think of us as their possessions and i wouldn't suggest for one minute that he wont follow through. Op it's not easy. You could pursue a ton of hobbies but youllbe too tired to. But, don't estimate the joy of actual sleep, a tidy home and the satisfaction of your kids finding out what you already know for themselves..

I feel your pain. It is very hard knowing that in order to escape abuse you will have to leave your children with your abuser for long chunks of time.

On the other hand, they will have one happy home that is free of abuse, and that means so much.

Rushing, or I would say more

If he’s so concerned about appearances, how would he feel if you petitioned for divorce on the basis of his use of prostitutes / the stds? I know very little about family law, but would that information become matters of public record? In which case perhaps you could compromise on a lesser split if you weren’t as specific in your reasons for leaving him.

OP he wont stick yo 50:50. He will want a wee young thing who soothes his ego and not want kids around - it's a scare tactic

What would happen OP if you go to counseling and when the counselor asks why you’re there you say ‘H used prostitutes on X number of occasions in X time frame and I am not prepared to put up with such disrespect in a marriage so I a going to petition for divorce for unreasonable behavior. I would like to use this counseling time to calmly discuss how we can coparent together as divorced parents.’ ?

I’m so sorry OP.

The law is inadequate in this area and doesn’t protect women and children from abusive men, who are expert at manipulating the system.

All I can suggeat is that you (without telling him) get advice from a good divorce lawyer about ways in which you could fight his request for 50:50.

Any threats of violence he makes, report to the police or at least make a note of what happened and when, somewhere private (a draft email perhaps). This might help with the divorce ruling re child custody. perhaps also talk to Womens Aid.

Thank you for the suggestions and experiences everyone.
Sadly I think he is definitely asking for 50/50 and since he looks after the kids quite a lot (I work shifts) he would get it also. I have no doubt.
The councelling was already pre- planned before I started talking about divorce. Our child is going through assessments for neurological /psychological issues, and as a part of that I asked for family therapy. I knew something is wrong in our family, just couldn't put my finger on it. So maybe that's a way forward. Talk about splitting when we get to the therapy.

They can be in a toxic environment where they are unhappy 100% of the time, or 50% of the time. I appreciate the latter is awful but it's still better than the alternative. And it's amazing how many fathers claim to want 50:50 then don't follow long term in reality. Or even medium term.

I have just left my H for similar reasons and have the same worries as you. I haven't read the full thread but how is he actually at child care? Does he do his bit?

My H could quite easily threaten me with court but the reality is he cannot look after his dc and deep down has no interest in doing so. Anything to do with custody or court is just to get at me.

Obviously this is just my case but I feel it's common in most abusive cases

@kelseypops he looks after them OK. Dc are quite capable of sorting themselves out with snacks, getting dressed etc, so parenting is mostly just time, screentime and argument management which he does. He also cooks, brushes teeth, bedtime stories etc. A perfect dad 🙄

The things he doesn't concern himself with are childcare arrangements, remembering pick up times, doctors appointments, hobby schedules.. Nothing. I have to text him on the day from work to tell him where to go and what time or he just doesn't do it. Sometimes I text several times. And sometimes he still doesn't do it. Causes me so much stress.

Yes perhaps time for a carefully worded reply. Not in writing!

'Well 50-50 would obviously be good in many ways as it would give us both a chance to have real free time to move on with new lives and ultimately new relationships. However I don't believe, given your behaviour, that it would be in the best interests of the children while they are still so small. I don't want to have to make public the reasons why we split, I am sure our family and friends wouldn't like to hear about the prostitutes and the threats but if it comes to me having to state my reasons why I think they should mainly be with me then I will have to.'

So - allude to the fact that 50-50 means you've more free time to meet a new man, which he won't want. He won't have thought of that yet. Then, the veiled threat.

@Secretdancers

The things he doesn't concern himself with are childcare arrangements, remembering pick up times, doctors appointments, hobby schedules.. Nothing. I have to text him on the day from work to tell him where to go and what time or he just doesn't do it. Sometimes I text several times. And sometimes he still doesn't do it. Causes me so much stress.

Then you can allude to this too. There will be no more texts and no more free secretary...

I think you need to separate your feelings towards him and his parenting skills. Just because you don't like him, that doesn't mean he isn't a good Dad.

@Secretdancers

The things he doesn't concern himself with are childcare arrangements, remembering pick up times, doctors appointments, hobby schedules.. Nothing. I have to text him on the day from work to tell him where to go and what time or he just doesn't do it. Sometimes I text several times. And sometimes he still doesn't do it. Causes me so much stress.

Stop doing this let him publicly fail tell the school to call HIM not you

He loves control. Children, especially of a split marriage are not easy.

When you arent there to shush them, maintain their behaviour etc and fulfil their basic care needs he will not cope

He will do better going along the line of "that bitch wont let me see my kids" than "look at the brilliant single dad I am"

It will suit his single lifestyle much more. I agree tell him you will be grateful of the time off parenting and you will be able to socialise again. And also tell your friends and family.

Mumsnetters hate the constant recommendations that everyone is a narcissist - but this discrepancy of feeling like no one will believe you, and there is nothing to say he did wrong, you just know he's manipulative. I think researching ex narcissistic partners will help you understand the abuse and gaslighting you may have fallen foul of.

@PigeonLittle

He loves control. Children, especially of a split marriage are not easy.

When you arent there to shush them, maintain their behaviour etc and fulfil their basic care needs he will not cope

He will do better going along the line of "that bitch wont let me see my kids" than "look at the brilliant single dad I am"

It will suit his single lifestyle much more. I agree tell him you will be grateful of the time off parenting and you will be able to socialise again. And also tell your friends and family.

Mumsnetters hate the constant recommendations that everyone is a narcissist - but this discrepancy of feeling like no one will believe you, and there is nothing to say he did wrong, you just know he's manipulative. I think researching ex narcissistic partners will help you understand the abuse and gaslighting you may have fallen foul of.

I agree.

Quietly tell all your family and friends about him using prostitutes. Explain that he has threatened you and is emotionally abusive, but you wanted to tell them the real reason you are divorcing him. Ask them not to discuss it with him or his family and friends. I guarantee that many people will have already seen through his nice guy and great dad act.

Agree to 50-50 parenting and don’t support him for ANY childcare arrangements. Tell him he has to do half of everything. Let him fail to collect the DCs a few times (and be sure to tell the school in advance which days to phone him as you will not be available).

@Skeumorph

Yes perhaps time for a carefully worded reply. Not in writing!

'Well 50-50 would obviously be good in many ways as it would give us both a chance to have real free time to move on with new lives and ultimately new relationships. However I don't believe, given your behaviour, that it would be in the best interests of the children while they are still so small. I don't want to have to make public the reasons why we split, I am sure our family and friends wouldn't like to hear about the prostitutes and the threats but if it comes to me having to state my reasons why I think they should mainly be with me then I will have to.'

So - allude to the fact that 50-50 means you've more free time to meet a new man, which he won't want. He won't have thought of that yet. Then, the veiled threat.

I would really advise against doing this especially in writing as it's tantamount to blackmail, giving a vengeful ex the perfect new stick to beat OP with - threatening legal action against her for blackmail which is a crime.

He will initially want 50/50 they always do its a way to control you and not pay maintenance. It doesn't last long op. I'm 6 months on and it's already starting to slip on my ex side. The phone calls have started to slow down and I'm doing more pick ups etc. When he gets a new partner or hobby your kids will just be in the way. Ex has become a Disney dad so in a way ds gets nice days out and the best side of ex for the time being but I forsee in a years time he won't be seeing ds 30% off the time let alone 50% as the realitys of being a parent is too much for them.

Similar story here op. My covert narc ex insisted on 50-50, it was all about control. They see the kids as their possessions, not as real people.

We are 3 years in. DD (15) is still very enmeshed and spends three nights/week there. DS (14) has seen through his dad and gone for the moment nc.

Two years ago I would never have thought we would be in this position, I thought EXH would be in full control because that is what I was used to. Who knows how things will pan out years from now, but right now, this is where we are.

So I suggest that you don't know how things will unfold. Just agree right now what you feel to be reasonable. But be prepared that as the kids get older, they will make their own choices.

[quote Secretdancers]@IAAP that's so sad. I'm sorry you're also both stuck in this situation. I'm wondering if I can hold on til the dc are a bit older and can decide where to stay 😭[/quote]
This is what I would do, I’m afraid.

They only follow through for as long as they get a charge from you. If you genuinely see 50/50 as a chance to improve your own situation, he truly will melt away.

Do not stay. The longer you stay, the more you will see him turn the children against you in front of your eyes - he will 'team' them agianst you, and they will believe this is fine, because you are still there.

If you get out, you can be their 'safe' parent, and when they tell you things he said about you in 'his' 50%, you say, well, that's your dad, and that's why we aren't together'.

These resources will help - ignore the 'narcissist' stuff - it works with any abuser:

blog.melanietoniaevans.com/all-people-co-parenting-with-a-narcissist-need-these-tools/
blog.melanietoniaevans.com/protecting-your-children-from-the-narcissists-damage/
blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-thrivers-guide-to-co-parenting-with-a-narcissist/
blog.melanietoniaevans.com/leading-the-way-for-your-children/
blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-1-trick-for-bringing-a-narcissist-to-justice/

I think as others have pointed out that he will want 50/50 for now .However as time goes by and he finds a new victim (GF) then he will lose interest .Sadly judges are often transfixed with giving fathers their "rights! no matter what sort of father they are! Go not stay or as time goes by you will become more and more trapped .get out now while you are still young .I would not worry about what people think .Chances are they probably dont care! If he was great then you wouldnt be divorcing him!

Do not stay ,Imean!