Abusive dh wants kids 50/50

[Secretdancers]

I'm posting here for traffic. Really need some help.
I have finally managed to tell my emotionally and financially abusive dh that I want a divorce. I can see him for who he really is, and want out.

The problem is that he is so so clever with appearances, and everyone thinks he's a really good husband and a nice guy. He is absolutely great with everyone else, just not me. I'm the one who gets all the bad stuff. His manipulation is so clever, you can't put a finger on it. I have no evidence.

I'm the event of divorce, he wants the kids with him 50/50. They are 6 and 8. I'm worried he will take all his darkness on them when I'm not around to protect them and I'm not there to take the shit instead. He is not violent, but invalidates them, is very authoritative, doesn't allow them to express emotions, makes unfavourable comparisons about them etc. I'm very close to my children, and handing them over every other week scares me so much that I've promised him I'd go to councelling with him to attempt to save our marriage.

I don't think the councelling will magically give him morals or empathy or cure him of his deeply dishonest and abusive ways. I really just want this to be over. But what do I do?

Just posted this on a different similar-ish thread and meant to post it here. I blame my COVID addled brain atm

I tried something the other day and it bloody worked (I didn't mean what I said at all) but I said 'you know, people will think you are really noble if you can leave this marriage amicably'. It was the word 'noble' that did it. He honest to god visibly puffed up and stood up straight and said 'you're right, I AM NOBLE. And since then the process has been a little less like hell. You've got to imagine you are talking to a vindictive little child and what you would say to them to make them feel better about themselves to work in your favour.

@periodhacker after judge had ruled the court ordered maintenance and my x had a face on him that'd stop a clock, my mother said to him, "this great news xxxx, now you really hold your head up high!" and believe it or not he decided to play it that way.
He still hates me but .... he holds his head up high 😂

@PeriodHacker that's so clever of you! I think I'll try that.
He's tried to manipulate me again in the past few days by telling me he loves me, and tried to get some hugs out of me 🙄
I asked him to define his understanding of love. Nothing! Then I asked him to tell me what are the values and morals he stands for, because obviously ours don't match. He got furious again. No more nicey nicey. But got no answer to the actual question.

I've got a number for a lawyer from a friend who's been through it. I'll get in touch after Christmas. He is so manipulative, you just wouldn't believe it. I have been so fooled for nearly two decades, but now that I see it, I can't unsee it.
Just today I asked him to buy the dc some sweets from the shop, as its Friday and something we do. He got M&M's. The kids don't like M&M's and were upset. Instead of saying sorry I got it wrong, he tried to convince them M&M's are the best sweets, and when they weren't happy with that, HE got annoyed and send them to their rooms for tantruming. It's sometimes little things, but so crazy.

@coodawoodashooda

Mine didn't. Mine has them and is horrible to them.

Friends abusive Ex didn't either. He still has them week on week off 3 years post split, does the bare minimum, feeds the kids lies, still angry at friend even though he was the one that left. People like to say these type of men don't bother with 50/50 long term, but some proportion of them do.

I'm in the same position, I'd rather be realistic. I expect Stbxh to want 50/50, my son's psychologist has some of the things he's done documented, but it's all very she said, he said, no evidence, mostly emotional abuse. I'm hoping I can push and get 60/40 , our DC have SEN which might help as an argument for needing to be with primary carer more, but who knows.

He thought all day that I was at work, and that kids were home alone and that was OK. And not only that, but he thought they were home alone and had not even called them to see how they're doing?!
I lost it. I've been so calm and collected, but when I see him being irresponsible with the dc, I loose my mind. I shouted and screamed at him, and the kids heard it all. I mentioned how could he parent 50/50 like this and he turned it against me that he can see my game and why I'm making such a big deal out of this.
Then he went on telling me I'm mentally abusive.
He is such a slippery fish. He does something shockingly bad/irresponsible /nasty and I react and get the blame.
It's so hard. I honestly despair.

This is the sort of thing that made me realise I can't stay for the kids. You can't shield them because you can't shield yourself when you're exposed to him all the time. It spills over, it effects how you parent, how much energy and mental space you have for them. I've found myself wanting to scream at him to just fuck off, I haven't, but I don't feel like I can hold all the hurt and pain in indefinitely. I'm not sure anyone can without completely suppressing yourself and becoming someone you're not.

[quote Secretdancers]@Tigertigertigertiger we own 2 properties 50/50. One with, and one without a mortgage. The one without a mortgage is worth 3x more than the one we we live in.

He wants to give me the family home with no mortgage, but wants me to sign the London rental property off to him completely. There is rental income, and tenants, and he manages the whole thing. He also developed it, but during our marriage when I was a sahm. That's why I have no claim according to him, as I 'took no interest' in the development and he funded it through his business. I was a sahm of a baby and a toddler at the time and the property was our home.

Unless I agree to give him the more expensive property, he has promised to 'hate' me. I should be happy with the mortgage-free family home.
Which of course I am, but the rental property was our pension plan, and it will be worth a lot more once mortgage has been paid, plus the continuous income from tenants. Just doesn't seem fair.

He sees the London property as his, because I was so lazy and he worked do hard for it.
When we met, we were both equally poor. Neither of us had any wealth. It all got accumulated during our relationship, and everything is jointly owned. It's a nightmare.[/quote]
Future value isn't necessarily useful to you here. How much equity is in that property? This is what the court would consider in terms of asset division. Is there more or less equity than the family home? You could note the loss of future earnings from this property, I don't know if that would be valued by the court. It's unusual for rental income to out strip mortgage repayments if mortgage is large, which it sounds like, unless you're on an interest only mortgage, which is not sustainable then. Does the property actually generate income after mortgage repayments and maintenance are taken into account?

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons the rental property has equity worth a bit more than the house we live in us worth. The rent brings a profit after mortgage and bills. It used to be our home (a shithole) , we developed it, and the area went up, as it happens a lot it in London.

I'm trying to leave, but he is going to make my and the dcs life hell. I got a taste of it last week and decided to calm it down til at least after Christmas.

I think the only way you can safely leave is via a refuge. He will ramp up and me very very dangerous if he realises you are going.

Fleeing to a refuge also delays any fast attempt of him having 50:50. Hopefully that will protect the DC from the worst of it. I would be applying for an emergency contact order so he has to return the DC to you as he would likely keep hold of them to hurt you Etc.

Sorry for all the posts @Secretdancers. It was more talking things through with myself, it's hard not to second guess myself after all the gaslighting. I think ducks in a row, as they say on here, before you tell him again. I'm waiting on surgery, elective, but very necessary as I'm struggling to walk. Though I'm not sure we'll make it through to then, slowly getting my ducks organised.

Ideally what asset split would you be after if you got awarded 50% or 60%? You could work out different percentage scenarios. You can theoretically still own assets together post divorce, as tenants in common you could own specific shares of the London property, but he doesn't sound like someone I'd want to be tied to financially. Are their other assets? You could trade off the London property for a greater % of the assets or he could remortgage London property to be able to pay you enough equity for a clean break. The London place might be a good bargaining point.

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons I'm only after what is legally mine. 50% of our jointly owned properties.
I did try and suggest I could buy him out of this house, and we could keep the London property as business partners (we bought it 50/50 even before married). But apparently I don't know anything about business and I'm being ridiculous to think I understand anything about managing a rental property. He evil-laughed when he said that. So..anything reasonable is not going to happen it's safe to assume at this point.
He likes the idea of going to councelling, and I'm agreeing, just to be able to tell my story to someone, and hopefully help him understand that peaceful split is best for everyone.
I've been watching YouTube videos about body language and how to spot lying, and I put him to the test the other day. I asked him if he is holding back any more secrets about infidelity. He said no, but nodded his head for yes.. He did it a few times. It's quite interesting.

Secret, please believe me when the best outcome for this is a clean financial split followed by child maintenance. You do not want to own anything in common or be in business together in any way. It will not end well. (I'd say more about my specific experience with this, but I have to be careful about maintaining anonymity here.)

Yep clean break all the way! Otherwise he will carry on abusing you through that.

Again, trying to say this without revealing too much about my identity... with something that he knew was valuable to me, my ex deliberately destroyed it. Value was about 30,000 sterling. You really want a clean break.

@QuinnMovesOn that sounds terrifying. I'll take on your advice.
I actually don't know how to make him leave. He has been fooling me for so many years, and I've believed it all, that I am a bit worried what he will do when it all comes crashing down.

I'm certain he's been unfaithful long before we had kids, property or anything and he was working away. I nearly left him then because he wouldn't let me go and visit him for months, but he left the job and moved back to be with me. I've obviously been so easily duped (and love bombed) that he thought I was the perfect partner for him.
I feel so stupid. I've brought two beautiful innocent children into this mess.

Don't second guess yourself

Get a good lawyer

He is truly awful

Been through it also
Sorry xxxxxxxx

Please please please find a solicitor. This will end but only if you start the process of ending it. It'll still be difficult but then you and the children will have the chance for a new and better life.

@Queenie6655 he is awful isn't he. You would never guess if you met him. So good looking, charming, friendly, helpful. Easy to talk to. Modest even. He is very likeable, and my family thinks we're the perfect couple.
Yet somehow he's managed to get me to keep his lies and hold up his image. As if it's on my favour. I learned that liars will know what you desire and will use that to their advantage. I guess mine was family. I was so desperate to have a nice nuclear family wit mum, dad and two kids, that I was willing to believe anything to protect that life from falling apart.
My older dc is showing a lot of anger and frustration towards me and his younger sibling. Every time we're together, there's an argument. Every single time. I've so failed at parenting. I've let my children live and be born in this toxic family system, and I myself have been toxic. I've lacked the calm common sense patience that you need as a parent, and been a shouty, blamy tough mum. I don't know how to get out of this situation, and with the dc it's only going to get tougher.

Please do not discount leaving via a refuge if you don't have the family funds available to go and rent and do a flit that way then it's financial abuse.

You really would benefit from support by Woman's Aid.

Id get your own counsellor now, even if its be phone. Someone you can talk to privately, an outlet for your emotions and unbias sounding board.