Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Abusive dh wants kids 50/50

169 replies

Secretdancers · 02/12/2021 22:21

I'm posting here for traffic. Really need some help.
I have finally managed to tell my emotionally and financially abusive dh that I want a divorce. I can see him for who he really is, and want out.

The problem is that he is so so clever with appearances, and everyone thinks he's a really good husband and a nice guy. He is absolutely great with everyone else, just not me. I'm the one who gets all the bad stuff. His manipulation is so clever, you can't put a finger on it. I have no evidence.

I'm the event of divorce, he wants the kids with him 50/50. They are 6 and 8. I'm worried he will take all his darkness on them when I'm not around to protect them and I'm not there to take the shit instead. He is not violent, but invalidates them, is very authoritative, doesn't allow them to express emotions, makes unfavourable comparisons about them etc. I'm very close to my children, and handing them over every other week scares me so much that I've promised him I'd go to councelling with him to attempt to save our marriage.

I don't think the councelling will magically give him morals or empathy or cure him of his deeply dishonest and abusive ways. I really just want this to be over. But what do I do?

OP posts:
Goawayangryman · 05/12/2021 16:49

Won't pretend it has been plain sailing however. My ex has been quite unreasonable and very uncooperative about most things, and has tried to threaten me with legal action when I didn't play ball. My youngest child's anxiety issues worsened because of our split but he is on the up now and doing well.

coodawoodashooda · 05/12/2021 19:59

[quote Goawayangryman]@coodawoodashooda when my eldest turned 12 she started to get annoyed with her dad's temper (not physical) and strops and found her voice. I didn't minimise it, I just... Heard it and let her know she was heard. She also started to perceive the scapegoating (of her) and the fact her dad doesn't really know her. The biggest benefit to her is that she has learned to trust her feelings and her instincts. I wonder what would have happened had I stayed. She might have just thought she deserved to be scapegoated and subject to strops.[/quote]
Im sorry your daughter has had a hard time but it is wonderful to hear that she has learned to trust her instincts. Do you have any advice on how to make sure that your child knows that they are heard?

Goawayangryman · 05/12/2021 20:57

It's such a hard line to tread between sabotaging her relationship with her dad and listening and hearing. I think the key for me was that book, how to talk so kids listen and listen so kids talk.... It's basically like the counselling approach. They tell you how they feel, you repeat it back to them in different words: "oh, it sounds like you were really cross about xyz, and the way it all turned out that day"... Sort of thing. Without adding the tempting embellishments like 'oh, you felt sad, that's because your dad is has the sensitivity and empathy of a brick "

coodawoodashooda · 05/12/2021 21:02

@Goawayangryman

It's such a hard line to tread between sabotaging her relationship with her dad and listening and hearing. I think the key for me was that book, how to talk so kids listen and listen so kids talk.... It's basically like the counselling approach. They tell you how they feel, you repeat it back to them in different words: "oh, it sounds like you were really cross about xyz, and the way it all turned out that day"... Sort of thing. Without adding the tempting embellishments like 'oh, you felt sad, that's because your dad is has the sensitivity and empathy of a brick "
I think i do that. Thank you though. It's hard how people judge you though.
Original poster
Secretdancers · 05/12/2021 23:06

I really am not doing well. I'm being portrayed as the crazy one here.
Dh manipulates things so that I loose my temper or have to tell him to do parenting stuff, and even the kids are now calling me a party pooper and that I'm not everyone's boss.
Just today dh was supposed to take kids to their weekly hobby practise as I needed to go to work. He told them they don't have to go if they're tired, and put a movie on. I told the dc of course they go, because its an expensive hobby I've paid for and they really enjoy it. I turned movie off and told them to get ready. Everyone is angry at me for spoiling their fun.
It's a nightmare..

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/12/2021 23:15

You need to drop the rope on the conflict he is creating.

You parent on your time and his on his time. Get the calendar out and divide up the time 50:50. Keep your mouth shut.

Work on physically separating ASAP. Start telling him you can't wait for your freedom and him doing half the parenting and weekday shit work.

He is pushing your buttons and you are falling for it.

coodawoodashooda · 05/12/2021 23:18

@RandomMess

You need to drop the rope on the conflict he is creating.

You parent on your time and his on his time. Get the calendar out and divide up the time 50:50. Keep your mouth shut.

Work on physically separating ASAP. Start telling him you can't wait for your freedom and him doing half the parenting and weekday shit work.

He is pushing your buttons and you are falling for it.

Don't tell him anything. Nothing. Your words will come back and haunt you. Tell him nothing.
RandomMess · 05/12/2021 23:25

You need to be boring, grey rock standard response "go via my solicitor".

Comment on nothing.

He doesn't take the DC to activities you make a note of it

"Won't support the DC extra curricular activities"

Ideally go stay elsewhere Fri-Mon EOW on his weekends don't leave the fridge and freezer stocked or laundry down just leave him to it.

Original poster
Secretdancers · 05/12/2021 23:32

@RandomMess I know I'm falling for his tricks. It's so pathetic. I don't care what he says to me or about me, but when he disadvantages the kids, I can't stand it. They are my soft spot, and he obviously uses it. How cruel, isn't it.
We can't separate just before Christmas, it would create too much additional drama. Just have to keep my cool somehow until January.
Just yesterday when I blew up about him thinking it's OK to leave kids at home by themselves for the entire day, he started to mock my job, the money I make. Doesn't phase me anymore. At all. It's hard when he either risks the kids safety or best interest to get at me.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/12/2021 23:39

Tell the DC and him you are going to visits friends etc. So he can have time with the DC then go.

If he is then stupid enough to be irresponsible with them in your absence you can report to SS. Them missing out on stuff isn't going to cause anything like the damage his toxicity is doing right now.

Let him make his parenting decisions even though they are shit ones.

Original poster
Secretdancers · 05/12/2021 23:55

@RandomMess I wish I could do that. We are both working long hours at the moment, and can't go anywhere right now.

Also the dc would be very upset if I just left. I can't do that to them. They would feel very unsafe if I didn't make sure babysitters are booked for school pick ups etc. and they'd be left waiting or handed to social services. It's not something I want them to experience. They would wonder why their mom has abandoned them.
I guess I just have to approach this as if I'm a single mother, which I essentially have always been.

OP posts:
Handholdtoday · 06/12/2021 05:09

@Secretdancers I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I'm in a very similar situation to you. 23 year partnership ending. We have a young teenage DS. My STBXH is EXACTLY like yours so I can empathise with what you are going through. On the surface he would do anything for anyone but as a husband he is controlling, and emotionally and psychologically abusive and using my DC as pawn to hurt me as he knows the days are numbered where he can directly do this to me. I can take everything he did and does to me. But using my DC is the thing that will break me.

I feel for you and here for a handhold. 💐

QuinnMovesOn · 06/12/2021 05:34

Agree to nothing with regard to finances. Get a solicitor and find out what you are legally entitled to.

billy1966 · 06/12/2021 07:48

Please tell your GP of how abusive he is.

Create a paper trail.

Does your GP know about the STI's and prostitutes?

If not, you have to tell.Flowers

Original poster
Secretdancers · 06/12/2021 09:45

I will go to the family councelling and Air the abusiveness there. He will obviously retaliate and say I'm abusive too, which of course is true. I have said things that are abusive. Name calling etc. But I've never been dishonest, secretive, financially controlling etc. I do believe I've been driven crazy and to act out to be as bad as he is.

OP posts:
5thnonblonde · 06/12/2021 10:12

OP you sound utterly beaten. Go see a solicitor. Yes, there will be some things he could theoretically do but there will be a great many that he absolutely cannot. You’ll feel a lot more empowered when you can unpick what to worry about and what is just groundless bluster.

Also if he tells you he can definitely get anything tell him he needs better legal advice. Most solicitors are very reluctant to second guess what a judge would it would not grant as it really comes down to the judge on the day. If your solicitors are any good they’ll be urging you both to reach a mediated agreement as all parties have more control of that. This shut my ExH up- reminding humanity that in court no one but the judge has any control at all.

5thnonblonde · 06/12/2021 10:13

Reminding him not humanity!

PicsInRed · 06/12/2021 10:17

@Secretdancers

I really am not doing well. I'm being portrayed as the crazy one here. Dh manipulates things so that I loose my temper or have to tell him to do parenting stuff, and even the kids are now calling me a party pooper and that I'm not everyone's boss. Just today dh was supposed to take kids to their weekly hobby practise as I needed to go to work. He told them they don't have to go if they're tired, and put a movie on. I told the dc of course they go, because its an expensive hobby I've paid for and they really enjoy it. I turned movie off and told them to get ready. Everyone is angry at me for spoiling their fun. It's a nightmare..
The answer in the short term is to drop the rope.

"If you dont want to go, that's ok, but I won't be renewing next term if you dont want to go anymore."

Let his laziness and failure start to fall on him.

PicsInRed · 06/12/2021 10:20

Just yesterday when I blew up about him thinking it's OK to leave kids at home by themselves for the entire day

"Of course I don't leave them home by themselves." End of conversation.

These types often accuse their target of the things they do, so I would suspect he has left the children alone.

Goawayangryman · 06/12/2021 10:45

They absolutely do the whole DARVO thing. It's classic. My ex has told everyone I was t he controlling, unreasonable one. He absolutely believes himself to be the victim. I just laugh to myself about it.

5thnonblonde · 06/12/2021 10:58

@Goawayangryman

They absolutely do the whole DARVO thing. It's classic. My ex has told everyone I was t he controlling, unreasonable one. He absolutely believes himself to be the victim. I just laugh to myself about it.
Yeah I caught mine cheating. He denied it and continued the same affair until I caught him again and booted him out. Seems clear cut, huh? No, apparently I drove him to it with my controlling ways and he was lucky to get out Hmm I suppose I did tell him he wasn’t allowed to do certain things, but those things were ‘sleep with another woman’ which I kinda see as reasonable...
Goawayangryman · 06/12/2021 11:40

@5thnonblonde how very unreasonable of you :)

Original poster
Secretdancers · 06/12/2021 16:01

Sorry, I don't know what is DARVO?

Apparently I also drove my dh to use prostitutes. I'm too controlling and my sex drive is too low. I'm also supposed to enjoy it if he slaps my bum in public or be OK with sleazy comments about myself.
The worst thing is that he said he's never ever wanted no one else but me, and that's why he didn't start an affair but paid for it instead. Lucky me!
And my sex drive is actually OK, I've realised as soon as I've stopped having sex with him. I miss it and want it. Just not with him.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 06/12/2021 16:14

OP,

Make sure you tell people that he said it your fault he went to prostitutes and gave you STI's.

It says absolutely EVERYTHING about his character.

He's absolute scum.

I would NOT be keeping his secrets.

Get copies of any financial documents asap.

5thnonblonde · 06/12/2021 16:53

Deny
Attack
Reverse the Victim
Offence

It’s so tiresomely common, now you know you’ll see it everywhere.

Swipe left for the next trending thread