Abusive dh wants kids 50/50

[Secretdancers]

I'm posting here for traffic. Really need some help.
I have finally managed to tell my emotionally and financially abusive dh that I want a divorce. I can see him for who he really is, and want out.

The problem is that he is so so clever with appearances, and everyone thinks he's a really good husband and a nice guy. He is absolutely great with everyone else, just not me. I'm the one who gets all the bad stuff. His manipulation is so clever, you can't put a finger on it. I have no evidence.

I'm the event of divorce, he wants the kids with him 50/50. They are 6 and 8. I'm worried he will take all his darkness on them when I'm not around to protect them and I'm not there to take the shit instead. He is not violent, but invalidates them, is very authoritative, doesn't allow them to express emotions, makes unfavourable comparisons about them etc. I'm very close to my children, and handing them over every other week scares me so much that I've promised him I'd go to councelling with him to attempt to save our marriage.

I don't think the councelling will magically give him morals or empathy or cure him of his deeply dishonest and abusive ways. I really just want this to be over. But what do I do?

I know it's hard to believe this now but post divorce, your life will be so much better. You'll get through this. Just please get started immediately with a solicitor. And can you get a therapist that's just for yourself? It will make a huge difference for you.

DARVO is a classic psychological manoeuvre of the person who is unable to take responsibility for their decisions, mistakes, etc.

let me guess that your ex has never had a moment where he goes: "oh, gosh, I just feel so bad. Do you think if I'd done XYZ it would have turned out differently?"

No?

Classic DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.

Lovely, you are me a year ago.

Almost identical stories. Please get yourself online to Caroline Strawson (FB) and google narcissist.

He's trying to control you to keep you in your place.

You'll need to file for the Nisi, followed by mediation to seperate your assets and childcare arrangements. Sell it all and start again. You should get a minimum of 50% which slides upwards in your favour depending on your earning potential and childcare arrangements.

You might find mediation won't work with a narcissist. It did for me, but the mediatior knew what she was dealing with.

And grey rock him. Don't give him an inch of emotion. He'll keep blaming you and gaslighting you until his dying day. PM me if you fancy, but one year later, I'm almost divorced, sold the house, have purchased a new one, but won't complete until he signs the consent order. I have 70% custody of the children but i get more really, because he's so important and work is unpredictable - I'm well rid.

@PastMyBestBeforeDate

It's not a good idea to go for counselling with an abusive partner, particularly when they're as good at manipulating people as you say your H is. He'll spin a story to the counsellor to paint him as the Saint and you the sinner. You'll be tied up in knots before you know it. And he'll use it to vindicate himself.

Exactly this - do not fall for it. He wants to know what gets to you and how to hurt you. And he will use it against you forevermore.

My ex did this, he convinced the therapist I had trust issues due to my father cheating on my mother. I was pregnant with our second child and had just caught my husband cheating on me.

www.facebook.com/groups/divorceandseparationsupportgroup - amazing group with legal support.

You file for the Nisi and you're in control of the proceedings. It drives them mad!

He sounds like he is an arsehole to you without a doubt - that doesn't mean he will be an arsehole to the kids. I think you need to separate the two situations and give him a chance. If that changes then clearly you need to take legal action but at the moment his behaviour towards you isn't relevant to his ability to father his children

@newusernameforxmas that's so encouraging to hear that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
@flippertyop I'm afraid he's pretty awful with the kids. It was smaller dcs birthday the other day.. He shouted at him in anger. On his 6th birthday 😥

@Goawayangryman you're right, he never says how bad he feels for what he's done. He says 'you have no idea what it's like to live with this constant guilt and pressure of not being trusted. I know I've hurt you, but you're not an angel yourself'. I did feel guilty for treating him badly. Like I must be a really bad person.

Oh, that's the typical manipulative bullshit, "if you just let me do whatever I want, then we could stay married and be happy together." Please try to see it for what it is.

50/50 really isn’t in the best interests of children in any kind of separation that continues to have conflict, let alone one that is abusive. There is evidence to that effect.

You need to see a domestic abuse counselor if you can. Document everything that is neglectful or abusive with dates and details.

However if appearances are everything, and he doesn’t really want the kids 50/50 then it may well be that he will want to tell people he’s 50/50 and fight having to give maintenance, but not actually fight the time the kids actually spend with you. So anything that can help him have the ‘appearance’ of being good, he will go for, and that is something you can bring up with the solicitor. Outline exactly what is going to be good for the kids, because if it is as you’ve said, they are really going to need stability, security and peaceful calm after divorce - so fight for that.

Say, "its not working for either of us"
Give him his suffering! Even though it is nonsense. Run so far with his gaslighting narrative that there is nothing to argue with. Then start idly musing about how lovely the freedom is going to be.

Wish him peace after he is rid of you. You are the only thing standing in the way of his happiness! May the next woman deserve him!! 😏
You don't deserve him.

Make him believe that what you value is freedom.

Sat a few things like its always men who walk away with their freedom.

I'm so ashamed to say but I've started to backtrack on my divorce plans. This man is prepared to make my and our dcs life absolute hell if I'm going through divorce. He told me he will absolutely 'hate' me if I demand 50% of our joint properties and there's no chance of any friendly relationship in between us.

He's completely awful, but I don't think I can do this to my kids. They are feeling very upset and unsafe in this situation, and I just feel like burying my head in the sand and just keep on going with the normal everyday life. He's made it clear that if I am to divorce, everyone will suffer.

He's fine with me not having sex with him at least, so maybe I'll just wait until the dc are old enough to walk away from him rather than being forced to do 50/50.

He's showing his true colours and it's not pretty. We are going ahead with the councelling, but honestly I just can't stand him. He's vile and manipulative, but he won't let me go without destroying this whole family in the process. He's not violent towards anyone, and I police his questionable parenting practices a lot, so maybe staying does the least damage to the kids..

I left a mentally abusive man about 9 years ago. He was financially controlling to the point that I had to get receipts (to show him) for everything even petrol (and it was my money!). He was incredibly manipulative and controlling and after we split, I received numerous threats from him and his friends (who all thought the sun shone out of his arse and I was the crazy one). He also vandalised my car (although I could not prove it). The police were involved but pretty useless. Having gotten to the point where I actually tried to commit suicide because I was so messed up from his abuse I had no choice and took the kids and moved to a different town.
We went to court, (he tried to take a prohibited steps order out on me, to prevent me leaving so he could continue his bullying campaign) they saw right through him and awarded him contact once every 2 weeks on a Saturday. He turned up for the first couple and we never saw him again!
I am the happiest I’ve even been (single parent, no man involved, done a degree and starting a whole new career now!). What I’m saying is, do not put up with his behaviour because it’s less stressful than leaving. It will do huge damage to your mental health and self worth, and the children will become aware of it.

You leave via a refuge.

He will never be friendly towards you.

Coercive control is now against the law. What damage is this doing to the DC by staying? Believe me it is very damaging for them.

@RandomMess I don't know if I can drag my kids through that.. Life at home is OK for them. What damage am I going to cause if I uproot them from their home to a refuge?! They are not in physical danger, and I'm not in physical danger.

They see being controlled, bullied, threatened, frightened, walking on eggshells as normal.

They will replicate that dynamic in their future relationships.

Do not kid yourself that that they live in an emotional healthy environment.

He is committing a crime by his actions.

Coercive control is a crime.

Please seek legal advice, giving your solicitor his threats if you go for 50% of the assets, which you are legally entitled to.

Please realise he IS committing a crime.

You need to call Women's aid and tell them of your fear of his threats.

I do realise this is not a healthy environment. Maybe I just need to do this more drawn out and carefully, so that he doesn't get so angry and vindictive.

He will be angry and vindictive. He will also be that if you stay.

He now knows all he has to do is threaten you and you will toe the line. This man is dangerous.

You need to build a relationship with woman's aid and find a way to leave without his knowledge then initiate the divorce.

I would determine what evidence you need for coercive control.
Speak to your local police "domestic violence" unit (may have another name) they should be able to tell you what evidence they need to arrest him etc.

You need to play a longer game. Keep quiet about divorcing go along to keep the peace whilst making your plans.

You do however need to leave as soon as you can before you or the DC are further damaged.

@RandomMess

You need to drop the rope on the conflict he is creating.

You parent on your time and his on his time. Get the calendar out and divide up the time 50:50. Keep your mouth shut.

Work on physically separating ASAP. Start telling him you can't wait for your freedom and him doing half the parenting and weekday shit work.

He is pushing your buttons and you are falling for it.

Absolutely this.

He is likely to get 50 % of the child care whether you fight about it or not.

You will get 50% of the assets whether HE fights about it or not.

Start working out the practicalities and don’t get worked up about small stuff / different ways of parenting in the meantime.

Good luck . I’ve been there. The 50/50 childcare was hard for me at first but was right for the children and ten years down the line we all get on fine . We have even forgiven each other for All the ways we wronged each other.

I'm not sure I should leave and move out? Wouldn't that play into his narrative that he owns and manages these properties that we jointly own?
He really is a difficult character. I have tried to propose a friendly post-divorce relationship for the benefit of the children, but he's having none of it. I'm the one who should be angry at him for all the cheating, lying and manipulation, but he somehow makes it out as if he's the victim here, and I've planned 'this' all along.
We moved from London because I very much wanted to. He agreed it was better for kids and for us in general. But of course the narrative has changed now to he gave up his earning potential for me, I did nothing (sahm) etc etc..
How have I gotten myself into this situation?!

Please don’t leave and move out.

You have agreed the marriage is over. You have two properties ?
Work out a plan that puts the children first ;divide the assets and move on.

How else could it work ?

You are legally entitled to a starting point of 50:50 of all assets and debts of the marriage. If you aren't on the deeds you register your interest in the house. The law is there whether you move out or not.

Priority is getting away with the DC. The divorce could take years. He will be violent.

Safety and sanity first.

Speak to WA, you are not alone many have had to leave in similar circumstances.

Stopping caring what he says, thinks or does. Empower yourself with knowledge and emotional detachment from him.

Don't keep his secrets be open that he's cheated on you etc. Don't protect his image at the cost of not gathering support for yourself.