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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I over reacting or is this kid out of line calling my DD trans?

187 replies

Overreactingmom · 02/12/2021 13:14

DD is 10. Overall she is a lovely kid who gets on well at school but of course she is in year 6 so fall outs are inevitable at this age but had no serious issues, she is happy to go to school and she has no additional needs etc just so as not to drip feed.

There is a boy at school who is very popular in the year group, he is confident, sporty and from a huge family.

He has been making comments about my daughters hair for months now, calling her ginger etc and just generally making fun, always appearance related. We hadn’t really acted as she seemed to be holding her own and telling him to mind his own etc.

Last week she went into school wearing trousers rather than a skirt, cue this kid (and others) commenting that she looks like a boy, why is she wearing trousers, you look like ‘X child’ (who is on the spectrum and has always been the only girl to wear trousers in their year group which is fine ofc but they’re using this child as an insult!) and laughing about it generally. Spoke to school, she was pretty upset and teacher was fab, thought it was sorted.

Yesterday the same boy said to her (about her new school shoes) ‘why are you wearing them, you look like a boy! Are you trans?’ She also admitted he has been saying she’s going to grow up to ‘be a boy’ because of wearing trousers.

Now she’s not particularly upset over the more recent comments. But I am fuming. Aibu?

For the record - I wouldn’t care how she chose to identify as an adult but she is 10 years old and just a happy little ‘tomboy’ who wants to be warm and comfy in this freezing weather!

It’s 2021 ffs not the 50’s why can’t my daughter wear what she feels comfortable in without being picked on? I dread secondary school next year!

OP posts:
2Gen · 02/12/2021 19:38

Your comments are making me wonder if you're taking the piss.
No, we should always teach our children to do what's right, not what's expedient and what's right in this case is to resist caving into bullying! If you give into a bully, it only encourages them! If the young one wants to wear trousers and the school allows it, then the OP should tell her to wear her trousers and tell him to mind his own business!
OP, it's a bit odd that he's got this bee in his bonnet though! Women and girls in the West have worn trousers for decades. Even my late mother, who would be 95 now, started wearing trousers in the early 70s, you know those polyester ones with the elasticated waists from M&S! I wonder where did he get this silly idea from?

DoubleTweenQueen · 02/12/2021 20:13

[quote Overreactingmom]@Happy1982ish if you read the first post again -

We hadn’t really acted as she seemed to be holding her own and telling him to mind his own etc is what I said in my first post. Of course during this time we also spoke to DD about ways she could handle this.

I then went on to say we contacted school and her teacher was fab and I thought it was sorted. When it began to escalate we did act. We had spoken to school via email and phone calls as contact with staff in person is V limited.

As it has escalated again I have contacted school via email today and will likely have a phone call from her teacher to discuss steps that will be taken going forward.[/quote]
Can I suggest that 'in writing' is the best way to go - after a phone convo, write it down in an email - what was covered and what you feel was agreed - and send it to the person you spoke to? Include the school's head of safeguarding too?
Dtq x

Happy1982ish · 02/12/2021 20:25

[quote Overreactingmom]@Happy1982ish if you read the first post again -

We hadn’t really acted as she seemed to be holding her own and telling him to mind his own etc is what I said in my first post. Of course during this time we also spoke to DD about ways she could handle this.

I then went on to say we contacted school and her teacher was fab and I thought it was sorted. When it began to escalate we did act. We had spoken to school via email and phone calls as contact with staff in person is V limited.

As it has escalated again I have contacted school via email today and will likely have a phone call from her teacher to discuss steps that will be taken going forward.[/quote]
Apologies

Overreactingmom · 02/12/2021 22:07

@DoubleTweenQueen thank you for raising this point, not sure why this hadn’t occurred to me to do actually! I will make sure going forward though, thanks!

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 03/12/2021 08:18

Wow, are we back here again? In many schools in the 80s girls were forbidden from wearing trousers.

We were forbidden. Same in my first job. No option to wear trousers.

Bingbangbongbash · 03/12/2021 08:31

@viques

I don’t think anyone using trans as a slur can be described as woke. But nice try on circling it back to the usual MN transphobia.

OP, if your daughter is strong enough, actually being woke would be my advice. Laugh in his face and tell him it’s not the 1950s so stereotypes of what girls should wear are not cool. (That but less ‘mum’ talk. I assume kids don’t talk about cool 😆)

pigsDOfly · 03/12/2021 12:34

The fact that this nasty child is saying OP's DD is trans for wearing trousers or making stupid remarks about the colour of her hair is irrelevant.

If it wasn't those things it would be something else. He's a bully and he will find anything to pick on. It has nothing to do with trousers or hairs colour, it's all about the bullying and it needs to be dealt with strongly by the school

The poster making the ridiculous suggestion that she wears a skirt to appease him is completely missing the point.

Hankunamatata · 03/12/2021 12:36

Speak to school again. Doesnt matter what this boys topic is - he is bullying your dd

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/12/2021 12:42

They should definitely come down hard on using “X child”‘s name and the word trans as insults. And on bullying your Dd.

My dd’s school were very quick to clamp down on some kids using “lesbian” as an insult. Which is as it should be!

IncompleteSenten · 03/12/2021 12:46

MrsBison

Why give people the ammo though?

Just encourage your daughter to wear a skirt. Problem solved."

He also bullied her using her hair colour as an excuse.

I assume your advice is for her to dye it.

MollysDolly · 03/12/2021 12:57

Tell your DD that the next time he does it, to find all female teachers and staff wearing trousers.

Simply stand there with the teacher by her side, and DD is to say, in front of "John," but addressing the teacher, "John calls me a boy for wearing trousers. He says it to be nasty. He says this makes me like Jane, making out its awful to be like Jane. You're wearing trousers. So John thinks that about you too. Do you think it's ok to be horrible to girls who wear trousers?" And then glare at John, while the teacher let's him know exactly what she thinks of his opinion, and that he'll be on detention every time he does it again.

Fidgetty · 03/12/2021 13:08

Nasty little prick. I'd bring it up with the school every single time. These future misogynists need taking down early. Give her some harsh comebacks to put him in his place in the meantime.

MollysDolly · 03/12/2021 13:15

@Fidgetty

Nasty little prick. I'd bring it up with the school every single time. These future misogynists need taking down early. Give her some harsh comebacks to put him in his place in the meantime.
Don't fight a bully with bullying back. That's not s solution.

The solution is the boy stops, not "gets as good as he gives"

Fidgetty · 03/12/2021 13:18

Don't fight a bully with bullying back. That's not s solution.

I respectfully disagree. In my experience the only way a bully truly stops is if you fight back. Any weakness is exploited. If it was my DD I'd set my scary husband on him in truth but I didn't mention that above as I know such actions never go down well on mumsnet! Grin

Looneytune253 · 03/12/2021 13:22

It just depends on your outlook. Obv this boy is defo trying to be mean but, much like you said in your OP about the trying to use the autistic child as an insult, if there's nothing wrong with being trans, it's not an insult. Especially if your daughter hasn't been upset by it.

MollysDolly · 03/12/2021 13:30

@Fidgetty

Don't fight a bully with bullying back. That's not s solution.

I respectfully disagree. In my experience the only way a bully truly stops is if you fight back. Any weakness is exploited. If it was my DD I'd set my scary husband on him in truth but I didn't mention that above as I know such actions never go down well on mumsnet! Grin

I don't understand this.

John called me a prick. So call him a twat.

Oh good.

That doesn't stop John, that's the other child being just as bad.

John needs the teachers to intervene and see that bad behaviour is punished.

SarahJeffers341 · 03/12/2021 13:40

It's worrying that at his age he is calling someone 'trans' as an offensive name! I would report to the school again, it will only get worse and it needs nipping in the bud.

CounsellorTroi · 03/12/2021 13:56

Strange how nasty kids are often popular.

IncompleteSenten · 03/12/2021 14:49

Not popular so much as sided with so they don't become the next target I think.
It's just horrible isn't it

DoubleTweenQueen · 03/12/2021 15:15

@CounsellorTroi Not just kids! Thought similar when at uni and corporate world.
"Nice guys finish last"

Ozanj · 03/12/2021 15:21

I think you need to go further and make a formal complaint to ensure his behaviour gets the appropriate consequences as detailed in their discrimination policies. Had your dd been Muslim his comments would have been taken far more seriously.

pigsDOfly · 03/12/2021 15:30

If it was my DD I'd set my scary husband on him in truth but I didn't mention that above as I know such actions never go down well on mumsnet!

And setting your scary husband on him is going to help how exactly?

And what does 'setting on' mean exactly: talking to him, threatening him, beating him up?

There's a good reason why that doesn't go down well on here. It's not a good idea.

So your scary husband goes round to the bully's house or catches him after school and deals with him in whatever way he feels appropriate and then the kids parent call the police.

The bully then becomes the victim and the bullied child is left with nothing solved and the bully free to continue his bullying.

Not really going to help the situation is it?

Happy1982ish · 03/12/2021 15:35

* If it was my DD I'd set my scary husband on him in truth but I didn't mention that above as I know such actions never go down well on mumsnet!*

The idea of being married to a man who would do this, to a 10 year old child is… well it makes me shudder

Mind you, I imagine this poster would be chanting from the sidelines “fight fight fight” so she probably finds it sexy

Shudder again

OhLordyWhatNow · 03/12/2021 15:42

@CounsellorTroi

Strange how nasty kids are often popular.
Nasty kids/ people are not popular.

They've just inserted themselves into the centre of things for maximum attention, and are often feared.

I pity them.

MiddleEasternMummy · 03/12/2021 16:10

@MrsBison

Some battles arent worth fighting, even if you are in the right.
Just read your comment on another thread . There is something wrong with you I think ! Your outdated views are astounding and I feel sorry for your kids .

Of course she can wear trousers . She can wear what she wants without being bullied .