Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I over reacting or is this kid out of line calling my DD trans?

187 replies

Overreactingmom · 02/12/2021 13:14

DD is 10. Overall she is a lovely kid who gets on well at school but of course she is in year 6 so fall outs are inevitable at this age but had no serious issues, she is happy to go to school and she has no additional needs etc just so as not to drip feed.

There is a boy at school who is very popular in the year group, he is confident, sporty and from a huge family.

He has been making comments about my daughters hair for months now, calling her ginger etc and just generally making fun, always appearance related. We hadn’t really acted as she seemed to be holding her own and telling him to mind his own etc.

Last week she went into school wearing trousers rather than a skirt, cue this kid (and others) commenting that she looks like a boy, why is she wearing trousers, you look like ‘X child’ (who is on the spectrum and has always been the only girl to wear trousers in their year group which is fine ofc but they’re using this child as an insult!) and laughing about it generally. Spoke to school, she was pretty upset and teacher was fab, thought it was sorted.

Yesterday the same boy said to her (about her new school shoes) ‘why are you wearing them, you look like a boy! Are you trans?’ She also admitted he has been saying she’s going to grow up to ‘be a boy’ because of wearing trousers.

Now she’s not particularly upset over the more recent comments. But I am fuming. Aibu?

For the record - I wouldn’t care how she chose to identify as an adult but she is 10 years old and just a happy little ‘tomboy’ who wants to be warm and comfy in this freezing weather!

It’s 2021 ffs not the 50’s why can’t my daughter wear what she feels comfortable in without being picked on? I dread secondary school next year!

OP posts:
DoubleTweenQueen · 02/12/2021 15:02

@Overreactingmom It’s bullying, plain and simple. School need to deal with it appropriately.
Your dd is free to have her hair however she likes and wear her school uniform as agreed with school, without fear of ridicule.

This era of labelling is so toxic for our children. Just let them be.

And ffs, deal with bullying!! (to schools)

For you and dd Flowers

Dentistlakes · 02/12/2021 15:03

He’s bullying her. This would be taken very seriously at my DC’s school. Raise it with the school and ask them to sort him out. He needs to be told in no uncertain terms his behaviour is unacceptable.

Livpool · 02/12/2021 15:03

Your poor daughter OP - that boy sounds like a little shit

DismantledKing · 02/12/2021 15:03

@MrsBison

Why give people the ammo though?

Just encourage your daughter to wear a skirt. Problem solved.

Oh for fuck’s sake
toomuchlaundry · 02/12/2021 15:05

The girls in DS's class at Primary mainly wore trousers, especially the further up the school they went. Thank god they didn't live in @MrsBison world

MrsBison · 02/12/2021 15:06

You all are taking that written line out of context ffs.

Its hard to convey intent/tone/meaning in written communications sometimes.

I didnt mean thr bully is right. The bully is 100% wrong. But to make her daughters life easier, it might be easier to switch to a skirt is all i was trying to say.

Dentistlakes · 02/12/2021 15:06

Also, there may well be other girls who would like to wear trousers rather than a skirt. This boy’s comments could be making them afraid to do so and that’s not ok.

The school needs to sort him out!

Tanith · 02/12/2021 15:09

This boy is bullying her. It doesn't matter what she wears or what she does, or what she looks like: those are just excuses to use for some good, old-fashioned bullying.

Absolutely tell the school. They should come down on him like a ton of bricks so that he learns now, while they still can make a difference, that it's unacceptable behaviour.

SpeckledHen266 · 02/12/2021 15:09

@MrsBison

You all are taking that written line out of context ffs.

Its hard to convey intent/tone/meaning in written communications sometimes.

I didnt mean thr bully is right. The bully is 100% wrong. But to make her daughters life easier, it might be easier to switch to a skirt is all i was trying to say.

The same way she shouldn't wear a skirt as a teenager or woman, because by same logic she's asking for it? Or go out by herself when it's dark? This boy needs to change, not her.
titchy · 02/12/2021 15:11

@MrsBison

Do whats best for your daughter and not whats right.
Hmm Do you have any experience of real life 10 year olds? It won't remove the problem at all, it'll merely deflect it. To hair colour, voice, hobbies, maths test results.

Are you seriously suggesting that good parenting would be dying the child's hair, changing their voice, hobbies, pretending to be rubbish at maths and science in order to avoid shitty little comments from nasty kids?

Perhaps giving her the confidence to be herself, supported by her parents and teachers would be a better longer term strategy?

MrsBison · 02/12/2021 15:11

@SpeckledHen266

I generally dont go out by myself after 8pm tbh.

akaisnsouaj · 02/12/2021 15:16

It is incredibly sad @MrsBison that you think you suggestion is in any way sensible or reasonable.

Arethechildreninbedyet · 02/12/2021 15:17

What a nasty little boy.

Complain to school, sounds like they had it in hand and he was just trying his luck expecting your daughter to just put up with it. Think again buster.

'are you trans?' I suppose is the newest insult, when I was a child it was 'are you a dyke?' Bullies adapt to what they think will upset their victims the most.

The best thing your daughter can do is tell an adult every time and not let him get to her, easier said than done I know. If this persists/the teacher isn't handling it ask for a meeting and say you want the boys' parents contacting.

However I find it baffling that there is such an extreme reaction to girls wearing trousers! Half the girls at our school wear trousers over skirts, their little legs would freeze! I thought we were passed the sexist bullshit, can't wear trousers?!

Also I would draw attention to the fact he is also ridiculing their autistic classmate. That's abhorrent.

imnotareindeer · 02/12/2021 15:18

I think get her to say I couldn't care less what you think and teach her that peoples opinions aren't always correct or even nice. I think there's some truth in it that boys pick on girls they fancy or that they feel they can dominate to boost their egos. Then talk to your daughter about doing what she wants to do.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/12/2021 15:19

@Overreactingmom

DD is 10. Overall she is a lovely kid who gets on well at school but of course she is in year 6 so fall outs are inevitable at this age but had no serious issues, she is happy to go to school and she has no additional needs etc just so as not to drip feed.

There is a boy at school who is very popular in the year group, he is confident, sporty and from a huge family.

He has been making comments about my daughters hair for months now, calling her ginger etc and just generally making fun, always appearance related. We hadn’t really acted as she seemed to be holding her own and telling him to mind his own etc.

Last week she went into school wearing trousers rather than a skirt, cue this kid (and others) commenting that she looks like a boy, why is she wearing trousers, you look like ‘X child’ (who is on the spectrum and has always been the only girl to wear trousers in their year group which is fine ofc but they’re using this child as an insult!) and laughing about it generally. Spoke to school, she was pretty upset and teacher was fab, thought it was sorted.

Yesterday the same boy said to her (about her new school shoes) ‘why are you wearing them, you look like a boy! Are you trans?’ She also admitted he has been saying she’s going to grow up to ‘be a boy’ because of wearing trousers.

Now she’s not particularly upset over the more recent comments. But I am fuming. Aibu?

For the record - I wouldn’t care how she chose to identify as an adult but she is 10 years old and just a happy little ‘tomboy’ who wants to be warm and comfy in this freezing weather!

It’s 2021 ffs not the 50’s why can’t my daughter wear what she feels comfortable in without being picked on? I dread secondary school next year!

I'd be going back to the school about his behaviour.
  1. He is persistently bullying your daughter, and
  1. "you look like ‘X child’ ... they’re using this child as an insult!"

He needs to be disciplined, and the school really needs to get it through to him to stop being a sexist disablist little shit. He's learning this behaviour from somewhere, my guess would be from his older siblings / cousins in his "huge family".

LimpLettice · 02/12/2021 15:19

Yet another problem with all this ridiculous misogyny and silly regressive stereotypes all over schools. Bloody Mermaids and Stonewall et al perpetuating all this rubbish, encouraging little kids to get into little boxes and define everything. It's bloody freezing, why aren't they all bundled up in warm trousers?!

Get on the school, OP. Funnily enough, if she was identifying as a boy, they would be on it like Billy oh already. Maybe that's your angle. She's not 'trans' but if she was, this would probably be a hate crime.

zoemum2006 · 02/12/2021 15:21

@MrsBison

Wearing trousers isn't odd or unusual so stopping won't take her out of the firing line. He was already bullying her about her hair so it will just be something else.

I understand what you're saying (like "don't wear a daffy duck bow-tie if you're 15 - you're going to get mocked!!) but this isn't it.

Arethechildreninbedyet · 02/12/2021 15:21

@MrsBison

You all are taking that written line out of context ffs.

Its hard to convey intent/tone/meaning in written communications sometimes.

I didnt mean thr bully is right. The bully is 100% wrong. But to make her daughters life easier, it might be easier to switch to a skirt is all i was trying to say.

Aye and if she's ever sexually assaulted remind her she should have made her life easier and worn a maxi skirt and a parka.

If she's ever the victim of domestic abuse ensure her it would be easier just to cater to his whim and please him.

If she's ever mugged, buy her a Nokia 3510 so as to not attract thieves with nice things.

Bollocks, educate a son before you chastise a daughter. She can wear what she wants, she can act how she wants, always.

While you're at it OP, buy a box of Garnier Nutrisse and cover that ginger right up! How dare she!

VexedofVirginiaWater · 02/12/2021 15:23

Lets switch the scenario slightly. What if the OPs son wore a skirt to school and people took the Mickey? Surely youd agree in this scenario, that the son could just wear trousers to resolve the issue right?

I think all children should be able to wear any part of the uniform, and then maybe we wouldn't be in this stereotypical sexist genderist mess in the first place.

1forAll74 · 02/12/2021 15:25

Your daughter needs to tell this lad, that he is stupid, and immature, and talks a load of rubbish, and kind of stands up for herself. I think it's par for course these days in schools, that some children will come out with stuff like this, as children now, hear all sorts of things about being trans and gay, and all modern day stuff like this.. They hear things, and then it becomes part of what they think, and say.

maddening · 02/12/2021 15:26

He is out of order bullying her in any way.

He is out of order and subjecting your dd to sexism and misogyny by calling her trans and being "transphobic" using trans as a slur, so disrespectful to trans people.

mbosnz · 02/12/2021 15:27

My daughter in year 11, is having to deal with this shit.

She's openly gay, so they can't 'insult' her, by calling her gay.

So apparently, it's 'why do you walk funny?'

She is incredibly hard to bully, and she's dealing with it, but she's quite a bit older, and had time to develop a somewhat hardened carapace.

I agree that this needs to be referred to the school, and the boy involved needs further education that his behaviour is unacceptable, and results in consequences.

It's about time that people learned that girls should not have to endure commentary on what they wear, how they behave, or be expected to change what they wear, or how they behave, because of how others perceive them, or because that is somehow easier than dealing with the inappropriate commentary of others.

maddening · 02/12/2021 15:28

Ps I would take up his sexism, misogyny andnl transphobia up with the school, get the little shit in to trouble.

Notreallyhappy · 02/12/2021 15:30

I'd be down the school.agaim like a shot..
My ds was bullied for years from.juniors and up. He is still living with the comments now at 22.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/12/2021 15:31

@MrsBison

You all are taking that written line out of context ffs.

Its hard to convey intent/tone/meaning in written communications sometimes.

I didnt mean thr bully is right. The bully is 100% wrong. But to make her daughters life easier, it might be easier to switch to a skirt is all i was trying to say.

@MrsBison, you think OP's daughter's life would be made easier if she capitulated; that she would no longer attract the attention of the bully.

Sadly, nothing could be further from the truth. The bully's attention would increase. Having successfully brought about one change in behaviour, they would be emboldened. They would see what else they could 'achieve'. They would push and push, certain they could force the bullied child to bend to their will againSad.

In a later post, you said *"I generally dont go out by myself after 8pm tbh." I sincerely hope that this is a personal choice and not the result of you being bullied, and is you trying to placate your bully. Bullies are never placated.