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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be absolutely furious at friend

567 replies

JustLyra · 02/12/2021 00:37

Four of us in a friend group.

We all do nice birthday presents for each other, and have done for 10+ years.

One of the group is having a tough time and is in the middle of moving house so we decide to do a small gift and a voucher so that it’s easier with our move.
Two of us also made clear we felt a voucher was a better option atm because friend is going to have to lot a house from top to bottom rather unexpectedly the other agreed. They offered to take the money and sort the voucher and a nice card.

They then decided, without any discussion, that there was “too big a risk” our friend would buy practical and boring stuff and not treat themselves.

So they’ve bought a fucking Costa Coffee voucher. Basically so they can only buy coffees and cakes.

Aibu to think that that’s completely out of order, and a shit present

OP posts:
Original poster
JustLyra · 02/12/2021 09:19

@rookiemere

Who usually does the present buying OP? Maybe person is just fed up with always having to do the donkey work, but I do agree that a Costa voucher is an odd choice .
She offered to pick up the voucher as she was going to the shops. I picked up the small gift.

She’s not remotely a hard done by person always landed with the donkey work.

OP posts:
BigYellowHat · 02/12/2021 09:20

I’d be cross as you’d decided on something and voucher buying friend has just bought whatever she wants. How does she know that a voucher that’s useful for the house move wouldn’t have been far better received? I’d love that 💗

DreamerSeven · 02/12/2021 09:22

@SoItWas

"If costa-buying friend refuses to replace with what you were actually going to buy I would get the original voucher between you and other friend. . If you usually buy for each others birthdays don't give anything for costa buying friend when her birthday comes around and she can keep the voucher!"

This is a good idea, since she liked the voucher idea so much, she can have it as her^ gift.

I’d totally do this too!
1FootInTheRave · 02/12/2021 09:23

What an absolutely shit gift.

She needs to rectify this asap.

godmum56 · 02/12/2021 09:23

I'd be furious too....furious that one of the group decided not to do what you had all agreed....furious that she defined a "treat" by her weird unknowable criteria and furious that she decided that friend MUST have a treat when her circumstances might be that paying for nicwe groceries or having the "nice" kitchen or bathroom accessory instead of the pound shop one is a treat.....and yes for that much money I'd be saying "you bought it, you sort it"

Inthewainscoting · 02/12/2021 09:23

We do spend a lot of time at Costa, so when we were cashing in at Quidco we took one of the deals where you could get 5 or 10% extra if you took a voucher for certain places rather then cash. Got a 90+ quid Costa voucher and drank our way through it for several months!

Not saying this is what happened here, but absolutely agree it's wrong to unilaterally change the plan.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 02/12/2021 09:26

Id be really pissed off with that gift....but then i dont drink coffee and never go into a coffee shop....costa is so overpriced aswell.

onlythen · 02/12/2021 09:27

@JustLyra

It is a shit present. I would give a voucher like that away as I'm never near a costa and would find it more stress than it added to my life

Did friend physically take the cash from both of you to buy this Costa voucher? If she didn't, you can sort out present with agreed vouchers

If friend physically took your money

  1. Ask her to return both your share of money, so you will buy vouchers agreed (but only your share), she can give as much of Costa vouchers as she wants to birthday girl (keeps the rest at her own cost, as she shouldn't have spent your money like that)

Or 2. You and other friend go out and buy new gift for friend with vouchers planned. You swop it with birthday girl when other girl has given it to her . Tell her she will save her share of birthday money when it's this friends birthday
All 3 of you hold onto these vouchers and regift them back to Costa voucher buying friend on her birthday - as "she loves Costa so much"

lottiegarbanzo · 02/12/2021 09:28

I'd be cross too. A small Costa voucher is a treat, because it's one event. A big one is a burden and just highlights what poor value coffee and cake out are, at a time when you might really want a coffee maker or other household item, which could also be a fantastic treat - the thing you couldn't have justified to yourself otherwise.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 02/12/2021 09:28

Was just remembering yesterday, Christmas coming, there were times in my earlier hard up life when well meaning friends would do this kind of thing for me, a useless gift when I was struggling to pay bills, along with "I knew you'd never spend this money on yourself ". Well intentioned but it was bloody depressing and I was rarely grateful. Even now I would be far from thrilled with a voucher for coffee.

Exactly. Being so insistent on what kind of a present somebody is allowed is just making it all about you and your pleasure rather than the recipient and theirs.

If you really care about the person you're giving a gift to, and not just seeking a little feel-good faux virtue for yourself, you won't dictate that they must have a treat (which they may not actually consider a treat anyway) rather than something more practical that they may prefer/need. Especially if somebody isn't very well off, being able to assign a gift to a mundane necessity and then be released of the burden of having to struggle to find money for it IS a real treat. You can always defer the treat to a future time, when money might not be so tough, but you need that food shop or kids' new shoes NOW.

Taken to extremes, it's the same principle as the white saviours who send a bunch of Western teenagers out to Africa to cobble together a poorly-built, not-really-needed community centre and come back with a warm glow and a lifetime of 'aren't I amazing' stories; when, if they really cared about the recipients of the 'gift', they would send funding for local skilled workers to repair the rusty sewage pipes or something else crucial but not nice to take photos of.

lottiegarbanzo · 02/12/2021 09:29

Voucher-buying friend could sell the voucher(s). Or indeed keep it as her own present, great suggestion!

onlythen · 02/12/2021 09:29

@SoItWas

"If costa-buying friend refuses to replace with what you were actually going to buy I would get the original voucher between you and other friend. . If you usually buy for each others birthdays don't give anything for costa buying friend when her birthday comes around and she can keep the voucher!"

This is a good idea, since she liked the voucher idea so much, she can have it as her^ gift.

This!!! Had just typed out almost same thing!!!
Kuachui · 02/12/2021 09:32

costa isnt exacy a treat.. i myself hate costa

TokyoSushi · 02/12/2021 09:36

A £10 Costa voucher is quite nice, but £80!!!!!!! Oh my, imagine what else she could have got with that £80!

Sorry, not helpful!

LittleMysSister · 02/12/2021 09:37

I wouldn't be furious about this, but would be a bit annoyed that I'd given money for a certain purpose which friend has then unilaterally decided to change to something else.

Like for me, if I'd have known it would be a Costa voucher, I wouldn't have given quite as much as no one needs £80 of Costa vouchers.

I'm sure your other friend will still appreciate her voucher, but it's a shame to have 80 whole pounds tied up in buying coffee and paninis when it could have helped her buy something more expensive for her new home.

MrsToothyBitch · 02/12/2021 09:38

By my reckoning, buyer friend has now tied up £80 of her own money to spend in Costa. YANBU to be annoyed at her making this change in plans alone after you'd all agreed. Not up to her to dictate what receiving friend does. Does receiving friend even LIKE Costa? The voucher you'd picked together sounded perfect. Generous, thoughtful, flexible.

It's so limiting vs the original voucher, too. I get her little treat logic but at least if she'd done JL, Amazon, M&S, Boots, HoF, even Wilko, receiving friend could put them to actual use and still "treat" herself to meaningful items of her choice- whatever she wants. I actually like vouchers for stuff I need/have said I'd like help towards because then I have more funds to treat myself as I choose on my own dime, without feeling like my choice could disappoint the voucher giver and without someone else's idea of "treating myself" superimposed on top.

I also wouldn't want a Costa voucher. I don't go there, when I buy treats like that it's rarely from Costa Lottee, as we call it, because I don't like it that much, esp at their prices. However, I need lots of things for or would like to replace and upgrade things in my flat. I've also had to randomly fork out a small fortune on my car lately- really cut back on skincare & make up and other treats for now to get by.

If I found out that someone went rogue to give me £80 to buy mediocre cake and tea, rather than £80 which could go towards wanted and needed new pans or curtains or furniture, or new tools and paint etc, or replace nearly finished make up and skin care, even a superdrug voucher to save on shower gel and stock up on sanpro- ANYTHING that would actually be useful and still a treat or free up cash for me to treat myself somehow, I'd actually be very upset.

FlowerFlour · 02/12/2021 09:38

If costa-buying friend refuses to replace with what you were actually going to buy I would get the original voucher between you and other friend. If you usually buy for each others birthdays don't give anything for costa buying friend when her birthday comes around and she can keep the voucher!

Yes, do this.

Tell voucher friend "this isn't what we agreed and Jane isn't going to want £80 worth of coffee. You keep that voucher as your early Christmas present, Holiday Friend and I will buy Jane the original voucher we agreed on."

It's not a done deal if you refuse to accept it. Surely the fact that you, the peacemaker of the group (though that wording alone says quite a lot about the group dynamics), are so riled about this will show your friend how badly she misjudged. I can't believe she is doubling down!

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 02/12/2021 09:40

I was given a £50 Costa voucher last Xmas and it was honestly one of the best presents I’ve ever had! So not a shit present imo.

But if it’s not what you agreed yanbu.

Xiaoxiong · 02/12/2021 09:41

I agree with you OP. You all three of you agreed to do option A, contributed money to A, and your friend then decided to do option B with your money without consulting you. It doesn't matter what B is, whether it's better or worse - she should have checked with the other two people whose money she was spending!

I'd be really annoyed too, and doubly annoyed because in this case, option B is objectively worse for your friend than option A.

ClawedButler · 02/12/2021 09:49

Yes, I think if you say to her that she will have to keep the Costa voucher as HER present, and you'll get something else for home-moving friend, she will:
a) realise how crap the decision was and
b) find a way to get a refund sharpish!

I don't mind Costa coffee, but I couldn't spend £80 there in a month of Sundays!

twilightermummy · 02/12/2021 10:00

I’d be livid. I love Costa and see it as a treat. I think there are a lot of things going on behind the scenes here. Is she jealous of your friend? Your friend could have bought something nice with that money, would that have irked her?
I just don’t think that this is a normal thing to do and I’d really be questioning it.

Totalwasteofpaper · 02/12/2021 10:01

If costa-buying friend refuses to replace with what you were actually going to buy I would get the original voucher between you and other friend. If you usually buy for each others birthdays don't give anything for costa buying friend when her birthday comes around and she can keep the voucher!

Another vote for this. You also need to get on to third friend sharpish and fill in in on Rogue Costa Friend

If my friends gave me this as a gift i would honestly think they were sending me a clear (bad) message.
its a horrible gift IMO

Grandville · 02/12/2021 10:02

Agree that is a terrible gift. Especially for someone who doesn't even like coffee that much!

TheCovidScoorge · 02/12/2021 10:05

YANBU. £80 on costa coffee is just stupid.
Could of even done £60 on a house hold voucher and £20 on Costa coffee voucher.
Clearly friend lacks common sense.

FatBettyintheCoop · 02/12/2021 10:05

What a shitty gift! The giftee wasn’t being very thoughtful when she came up with that idea, especially when you had agreed what to spend the money on.

If someone needs to buy stuff for their home, they’d hardly consider spending money in a fucking Costa as a bloody treat. What planet is your friend on?

I’d only use Costa if I had no other options as I usually only use small independent cafes and my local cafe is fabulous.

In your shoes, I’d insist that friend buys the voucher that was paid for and agreed by the group and she can use the Costa voucher herself.