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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be absolutely furious at friend

567 replies

JustLyra · 02/12/2021 00:37

Four of us in a friend group.

We all do nice birthday presents for each other, and have done for 10+ years.

One of the group is having a tough time and is in the middle of moving house so we decide to do a small gift and a voucher so that it’s easier with our move.
Two of us also made clear we felt a voucher was a better option atm because friend is going to have to lot a house from top to bottom rather unexpectedly the other agreed. They offered to take the money and sort the voucher and a nice card.

They then decided, without any discussion, that there was “too big a risk” our friend would buy practical and boring stuff and not treat themselves.

So they’ve bought a fucking Costa Coffee voucher. Basically so they can only buy coffees and cakes.

Aibu to think that that’s completely out of order, and a shit present

OP posts:
drpet49 · 03/12/2021 18:29

I wonder if she already had the £80 Costa voucher and was looking to offload it.

cherish123 · 03/12/2021 18:30

I assume it's quite a lot of money. Costa is fairly yuck and the kind of place you go when there's nowhere else.

Original poster
JustLyra · 03/12/2021 18:37

@mam0918

You are both unreasonable:
  1. mainly because vouchers SUCK as a gift... they get lost, forgotten, have expirey dates and can usually only be spent in certain places, they are the top of all PITA gifts.

I hate cash as I think it's lazy, impersonal and says I couldn't be bothered to put the effort in so do the work of buying your own gift BUT at least it can be used for anything anywhere and doesn't come with terms and bloody conditions.

I agree with your friend it always ends up going on bills and shit you need not 'gifts' but I disagree with the concept of an £80 costa card for someone who doesn't 'LOVE' costa because thats a stupidly high amount to be forced in one place.

  1. Why couldn't you give her £20 for her house if that's what YOU deem best and your friend gives her £20 worth of Costa vouchers and your other friend does as she deems best rather than all this pissing about arguing over which voucher is best.

Grown women doing this weird codependent gifting thing is bizarre (there's not even any reason it's not like you were buying an expensive item, just basically giving cash with rules) especially when you don't even agree with each others gifting ideas.

The point of the voucher we agreed to buy was that it can be used in various places that she currently has treats (hair and nails mainly) but could also be used for other stuff if it was needed.

Vouchers aren’t our normal go to, but the situation the friend is in isn’t normal either.

There’s nothing codependent about celebrating our birthdays. That’s a bizarre thing to say.

As for Why couldn't you give her £20 for her house if that's what YOU deem best and your friend gives her £20 worth of Costa vouchers and your other friend does as she deems best rather than all this pissing about arguing over which voucher is best. - If the voucher buyer had disagreed we’d have either opted for something else or bought our own gifts. The “pissing about” is because someone took other people’s money (more than £20 each) and spent it on something that we would never have agreed on.

OP posts:
Nothing7 · 03/12/2021 18:37

Weirdest present ever - why would anyone spend that much money on a voucher for a coffee shop. I agree love to shop voucher which can be used in loads of places and an amount like £80 could be used for more expensive item that will last. Even weirder that it’s been bought for someone that’s not even that fussed over coffee. I would be gutted if a friend bought me that and I like coffee but I wouldn’t want to be fixed to a chain coffee shop to buy £80 worth of coffee. Weird!!!

Nothing7 · 03/12/2021 18:40

And yes I would be really hacked off - as if I was the voucher buyer and had a bit of a brain fail and thought I had a better idea than the original plan I would have absolutely sense checked with the other people contributing

Original poster
JustLyra · 03/12/2021 18:42

One of the reasons I’m so pissed off is that our friend has had a really, really awful time.

To get such a thoughtless gift (as I’ve said a couple of times - she doesn’t even often go to Costa) from her closest friends at a shit time could be really upsetting.

OP posts:
Plumbuddle · 03/12/2021 18:43

If someone did that to me and I could be prepared for the fallout, I would tell them I absolutely do not want to give a shabby Costa voucher and they should keep it for their own gradual use, putting the other two friends' money back in a new kitty.
Costs tastes horrible and if you wanted a posh treat you most certainly would not go there.

TitsInAbsentia · 03/12/2021 18:44

@JustLyra

One of the reasons I’m so pissed off is that our friend has had a really, really awful time.

To get such a thoughtless gift (as I’ve said a couple of times - she doesn’t even often go to Costa) from her closest friends at a shit time could be really upsetting.

You're being totally reasonable on this one, if I were your friend I'd be thinking have these people not understood how things are for me right now, so much so that they have gifted me a couple of months of shite coffee?!
froggybiby · 03/12/2021 18:46

It's not a present I'd personally like...I suspect she had it already as others mentioned...I teach on a Saturday and was given 2 gift cards in June by the parents....about similar amount in John Lewis and experience gift (forgot the name). Just spent the John Lewis one on lovely Radley bag on with black Friday deals. I wouldn't be happy with the decision your friend took.

Nocutenamesleft · 03/12/2021 18:46

That’s a proper shit gift!

And £80?!? Jesus. That would take me about 8 years to get through!

fakereview · 03/12/2021 18:46

@Plumbuddle

If someone did that to me and I could be prepared for the fallout, I would tell them I absolutely do not want to give a shabby Costa voucher and they should keep it for their own gradual use, putting the other two friends' money back in a new kitty. Costs tastes horrible and if you wanted a posh treat you most certainly would not go there.
Agree. If I'd contributed I'd kick up big time. £80 for Costa!

At least with M&S you can use it for quite a few things - nice food, chocolate, wine, household stuff, "normal" food if you were short of cash, even knickers and tights!

PeachCottonTree · 03/12/2021 18:50

That’s nice of your MIL, definitely get the receipt though!

I agree £80 Costa voucher is a rubbish gift for anyone who doesn’t visit regularly and love it. It would take me over 5 years to spend that much there!

Wexone · 03/12/2021 18:50

If i was you i would be also so mad at your friend. If you are friends for so long , i think its poor form of you friend that she doesn't know the birthday girl well enough to know that a costa voucher would not be appreciated by her. I actually like coast ( one of the few that do from this thread) don't drink tea or coffee but love their hot chocolate, always threat myself to one whenever am near one, yes it is expansive but i love it. This voucher i my opinion is up there with vouchers from pennys ( primark), aldi vouchers etc. When you buy something as a present you buy them something or a voucher for somewhere they love to buy from but would never do themselves .Am waiting patiently to hear what your other friend that is away says

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 03/12/2021 18:50

I mean I would love to receive a coffee shop voucher, that I could use for multiple coffees / cakes / lunches.. but that was not what you had agreed the money was for, so it’s irrelevant if it’s a “good” gift (which is subjective anyway) voucher buying friend is in the wrong to change the plan without agreement.

gofg · 03/12/2021 18:50

I love going out for coffee and cake, so that would be an acceptable gift for me. Having said that. I'm not in the UK so haven't a clue what Costa is like!

EmotionalSupportBear · 03/12/2021 18:51

this is one of those 'know your audience' presents.

i'd love it, but i get coffee at least twice a week, so it'd save me quite a bit of money in the long run.

If birthday friend isn't a coffee fiend and only goes once in a bluemoon, then its a dumb present.

Voucher buying friend should have stuck to the agreed plan though.

Swirlywoo · 03/12/2021 18:56

Oh dear, I bought a costa coffee voucher for a relative recently. Didn't realise it was such a crap gift. £80 is a bit much though. Mine was £10 and she is 16.

That aside, why are you all spending so much money on each other every birthday? It seems like a lot to organise four times a year. Who needs the stress of voucher disagreement? Just buy your own gifts for each other in future. I am in a group of four old friends and we sometimes buy for each other, sometimes don't, sometimes do jointly, sometimes separately, and it's all a bit more relaxed than this.

Nothing7 · 03/12/2021 19:04

A token £10 gift is fine, a couple of coffees as a treat but £80 is ridiculous - I would be gutted as if friends wanted me to treat myself with that much money I’d either like to buy something that I could keep and remind me of their kindness or would have a treat I couldn’t usually afford eg a spa, massage or something that requires more of an outlay, as opposed to a coffee that I could buy myself every so often

PinkiOcelot · 03/12/2021 19:04

What an absolute waste of money. £80!!!!

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 03/12/2021 19:04

@Swirlywoo the teens I know would certainly love that gift! And there’s always plenty in my local Costa ordering various frothy concoctions Grin

pinkpirlie · 03/12/2021 19:05

I'm not sure a Costa voucher would be a treat. I wouldn't even drink there if you paid me. An afternoon tea, or something I could treasure at a posh place would be nicer, but Costa?!

I don't think your friend should have got something not agreed with the money you all put to the gift. I think their sentiment was lovely, to want your friend to have something nice and not spend it on necessities, but they went about it in the wrong way. So furious I wouldn't be, but I think they should be forced to drink the gross coffee and put up the money again for a more appropriate gift.

Saoirse82 · 03/12/2021 19:08

I'd be embarrassed handing that to a friend for her birthday and she'll end up spending it on other people when she meets up with them. It's pretty shit as presents go and you're well within reason to be pissed off.

BlueMongoose · 03/12/2021 19:09

£80 to be spent only where just one of the givers decides, in contradiction to the wishes of the others, at a place that sells only stuff that is completely unnecessary (and time-consuming), when the recipient may need things for a new house?? That's all wrong.

If people are giving a joint gift, it needs to be agreed with everyone what it is for. And no changes to that unless everyone agrees. If she wants to restrict the gift to largely unhealthy food from a fast food outlet, she should buy a voucher for that with her own money, and let the rest of the gang buy a separate voucher for what they decided.

Swirlywoo · 03/12/2021 19:09

Thanks for the reassurance ColdTatty Grin I was starting to doubt myself. When I was 16 we hung around the bus station cafe, Costa would have been heaven!

Original poster
JustLyra · 03/12/2021 19:10

@Swirlywoo

Oh dear, I bought a costa coffee voucher for a relative recently. Didn't realise it was such a crap gift. £80 is a bit much though. Mine was £10 and she is 16.

That aside, why are you all spending so much money on each other every birthday? It seems like a lot to organise four times a year. Who needs the stress of voucher disagreement? Just buy your own gifts for each other in future. I am in a group of four old friends and we sometimes buy for each other, sometimes don't, sometimes do jointly, sometimes separately, and it's all a bit more relaxed than this.

We’ve done the gifts for many years. This is the first time it’s been a problem. Historically we did it because we were all single parents. For several years it was the only gift some, or all, of us got so it was a nice thing to do.

It’s normally very relaxed because we just agree what we’re getting and get it.

It’s only not relaxed because someone had a brain fart and bought £80 Costa voucher.

OP posts: