Page 10 | Aibu to be absolutely furious at friend

Gearedtoyou · 02/12/2021 11:16

£80 for Costa isn't a terrible gift if it's someone who likes to pick up a coffee regularly but doesn't like or isn't able to treat themselves usually. A few months of being able to treat yourself, if that's what you like, would be lovely.

Bagamoyo1 · 02/12/2021 11:16

I’d take it to Costa and get the money back.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 02/12/2021 11:17

If I found out that someone went rogue to give me £80 to buy mediocre cake and tea, rather than £80 which could go towards wanted and needed new pans or curtains or furniture, or new tools and paint etc, or replace nearly finished make up and skin care, even a superdrug voucher to save on shower gel and stock up on sanpro- ANYTHING that would actually be useful and still a treat or free up cash for me to treat myself somehow, I'd actually be very upset.

I completely agree. Aside from anything else I can't stand Costa coffee (I thought I was largely alone in that, but seemingly not!) but setting up a new house is really expensive (or can be, anyway) and the waste of money, plus feeling like my friends didn't know what sort of thing I would like, would have really upset me.

I'd tell Voucher Buying Friend that she can try and take it back, or she can give you and your other friend your money back so you can buy the voucher you'd agreed. In terms of "Well, what am I going to do with a £80 voucher?", a) sheshould have thought about that before she decided unilaterally to go against what you'd agreed and b) I hope she likes over-priced coffee and sickly mass-produced cakes.

BatshitBanshee · 02/12/2021 11:21

For fuck sake. What kind of eejit is voucher buying friend? Having a voucher to spend on nice things for a new house is more of treat than bloody coffee - especially if you're not a coffee person. And as a birthday gift?! Bloody thoughtless.

Zilla1 · 02/12/2021 11:22

Boring present. Inconsiderate or arrogant decision.

But absolutely furious?

Might be an idea to dial back on life or at least leave some room for when a friend does something worthy of being absolutely furious.

FanFckingTastic · 02/12/2021 11:30

I agree with PP and would actually be upset if I received this. I'd think of all of the things that I really want, or really need and could buy with this amount of money. I'd feel like it was a complete waste and also a bit hurt that my friends felt like this was the best choice for me (assuming of course that I wasn't a massive coffee lover)

The issue here is that the voucher-buyer has defined what a 'treat' is. In reality we all consider treats to be different things. I can understand why you are cross OP. It's a shit present and I'd actually be a bit reluctant to even give this to your friend.

AdobeWanKenobi · 02/12/2021 11:35

@Bagamoyo1

I’d take it to Costa and get the money back.

Costa do not refund gift cards.

Original poster

JustLyra · 02/12/2021 11:43

@FlowerFlour

If costa-buying friend refuses to replace with what you were actually going to buy I would get the original voucher between you and other friend. If you usually buy for each others birthdays don't give anything for costa buying friend when her birthday comes around and she can keep the voucher!

Yes, do this.

Tell voucher friend "this isn't what we agreed and Jane isn't going to want £80 worth of coffee. You keep that voucher as your early Christmas present, Holiday Friend and I will buy Jane the original voucher we agreed on."

It's not a done deal if you refuse to accept it. Surely the fact that you, the peacemaker of the group (though that wording alone says quite a lot about the group dynamics), are so riled about this will show your friend how badly she misjudged. I can't believe she is doubling down!

We don’t do Christmas presents and annoyingly voucher buying friend’s birthday was very recent (that’s actually how the “nice” presents started - we all have birthdays very close together and when we first met we were all single parents so it was nice to get a “nice” present)

For clarity though, and apologies it was unclear, my peacemaker comment was general in response to being asked if I’m often demanding. It’s not specific to this group. Generally we all get on really well and there’s no dramas.

I also think if feels worse for me atm as my birthday was the last one and my present was brilliant and so thoughtful.

OP posts:

CounsellorTroi · 02/12/2021 11:44

I personally would love an £80 Costa voucher. I really enjoy sitting in my local shopping centre with a macchiato Mumsnetting and watching the world go by.

But then again I’m not in the position of needing to kit out a house.

Original poster

JustLyra · 02/12/2021 11:45

Thanks for all the replies. I will speak to our other friend tomorrow and work out what we’re going to do.

If needs be I’ll buy something else myself, I just think that’s a shit present for someone who is going through a tough time, let alone someone who doesn’t often go to Costa.

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 02/12/2021 11:48

£80 voucher for a coffee shop is ridiculous unless you're a massive coffee person. YANBU to be really pissed off, she shouldn't have spent your money on something you didn't agree on either

ChaToilLeam · 02/12/2021 11:49

It’s a ridiculous present! I’d be demanding she take it back and try to refund it. It’s not on to unilaterally do that with other peoples’ money.

crochetmonkey74 · 02/12/2021 12:06

I love Costa so initially I was thought 'meh no worries' but £80!!!
That's a ridiculously large amount - what a waste

ddl1 · 02/12/2021 12:06

'Absolutely furious' is a bit strong, but I'd certainly be annoyed. (1) If you collect from a group for a present, you should agree with them what the present should be, and not change it without checking. (2) You should either trust an adult to choose what THEY want, or just give them a specific item that you think they'd like, but not try to constrain their own choices. It is just as unpleasant and patronizing to constrain their choices to make them choose a 'treat' instead of something practical, as to constrain their choices to make them choose something practical instead of a treat!

ddl1 · 02/12/2021 12:08

And unlessshe's a massive Costa fan, 80 pounds for a Costa voucher is a weird and rather wasteful gift anyway!

Dontbeme · 02/12/2021 12:10

rather unexpectedly the other agreed. They offered to take the money and sort the voucher and a nice card.

I just noticed this on reading your post again OP, this voucher buying friend wasn't really on board for the agreed voucher, so went ahead and deliberately fucked up the gift. Is she always this petty? I would never trust her with any joint venture again, she has shown she has form for "knowing better" than what the rest of the group agreed.

DaisyNGO · 02/12/2021 12:15

@Dontbeme

rather unexpectedly the other agreed. They offered to take the money and sort the voucher and a nice card.

I just noticed this on reading your post again OP, this voucher buying friend wasn't really on board for the agreed voucher, so went ahead and deliberately fucked up the gift. Is she always this petty? I would never trust her with any joint venture again, she has shown she has form for "knowing better" than what the rest of the group agreed.

agree.

2022HereWeCome · 02/12/2021 12:46

OP read your update. I think you can reasonably ask for your money back but it seems that you are loathe to do this.

As a compromise could you go into Costa with voucher buying friend to ask them transfer the amount she put in onto another gift card - this then goes as a birthday gift from her. You and second friend keep the costa card and buy replacement vouchers for friend

AmyDudley · 02/12/2021 12:50

I think that's a terrible thing to do - what was she thinking? You don't agree to a general voucher from everyone and then go out and get a really specific limited voucher. Also Costa vouchers I believe have to be used for 12 consecutive months or they cancel them - so she's going to have to have coffee at costa at least once a month for a while. And actually she will probably end up spending the voucher on others as well because people often go for coffee with someone else ad if you have a voucher the natural thing to do would be to offer to cover your companions bill with the voucher.

I think you need to make a point that this is not acceptable or this person will think she can always go off piste and do her own thing.

My suggestion would be that you all accept that when you get together you will be having coffee at Costa and the voucher is used to pay for group trips to Costa (then no one really loses you'll just have paid for your coffees in advance) and you all contribute to another voucher for birthday friend (and someone sensible buys it).
[Actually I think stupid friend should pay for the Costa voucher and be out of pocket £80 - but I don't think she will go for that and will probably flounce off]

FilledSoda · 02/12/2021 12:55

It's just such a waste !
It's actually quite insulting to someone that 'needed' that £80.
Bloody costa of all things, and of course it wasn't even her money to spend .
Yip , I'd be raging too.

Sunshinelover2 · 02/12/2021 12:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Arethechildreninbedyet · 02/12/2021 12:59

@TyrannosaurusRights

I’d be clear.

She can arrange the purchase of a new voucher as agreed.

Or

You will replace the agreed voucher (for £60 if she doesn’t want to chip in) and she can consider the £80 Costa voucher the last ever gift she gets from the group.

Her call

I would genuinely say this.

She's essentially stolen your money, you sent it on the agreeance you'd buy her say 'Next' but fucking Costa?!

I'd bet my bottom dollar she had a £20 voucher or something she's been trying to get rid of.

£80 at Costa?! Not even Starbucks!

In response to her what am I supposed to do with it

'I imagine X will have the same response.'

How selfish of friend with such little thought to WHAT the gift receiver wants and needs.

WarrickDavisAsPlates · 02/12/2021 13:01

@Dontbeme

rather unexpectedly the other agreed. They offered to take the money and sort the voucher and a nice card.

I just noticed this on reading your post again OP, this voucher buying friend wasn't really on board for the agreed voucher, so went ahead and deliberately fucked up the gift. Is she always this petty? I would never trust her with any joint venture again, she has shown she has form for "knowing better" than what the rest of the group agreed.

Two of us also made clear we felt a voucher was a better option atm because friend is going to have to lot a house from top to bottom rather unexpectedly the other agreed. They offered to take the money and sort the voucher and a nice card.

I read it as the house move was unexpected and therefore even more of a financial strain as she hadn't had time to save up.

I agree with the previous posters who have stated how patronising it is for Voucher Buyer to dictate how your friend spends her gift. If you don't have a lot of money necessities are a treat!

DaisyNGO · 02/12/2021 13:15

@FilledSoda

It's just such a waste ! It's actually quite insulting to someone that 'needed' that £80. Bloody costa of all things, and of course it wasn't even her money to spend . Yip , I'd be raging too.

which is why I'm going to give my "hot drinks for homeless" suggestion another plug.

BertramLacey · 02/12/2021 13:20

£80 voucher for a coffee shop is ridiculous unless you're a massive coffee person.

Not even then necessarily. My OH loves his coffee but he wouldn't want to spend £80 on it Costa. The only way it would be appropriate would be if you knew someone specifically like Costa but wouldn't be able to go in there for a while because they were strapped for cash.