Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely LIVID about this email?

880 replies

Lividlavidacoco · 01/12/2021 20:12

‘Hi Livid,

I hope you’re well and your return to work went smoothly? Just to let you know, a few of the mums messaged me after Monday’s session to express discomfort at having a penis in the group environment. They expressed they felt uncomfortable breastfeeding with him in the room and we want the group to always be a safe and inclusive space for breastfeeding mummies. I am a small business so think it’s best that he doesn’t attend again. Sorry for the inconvenience, I’ll refund any sessions you have pre-paid.’

WTAFFFFFF.

Context: I returned to work 2 weeks ago, DH is now a full time stay at home dad to our 8 month old son and he’s loving it. He’s a brilliant father and this will be the set up until DS starts school.

I attended a baby music group with DS since he was 2 months old and he really enjoys it (as much as a little baby enjoys anything!) with other mums. No where in the literature of the group does it refer to mums, everything is ‘baby and parent’ so I assumed him attending the group instead of me would be fine. I told the group leader 3 weeks ago that DH would be bringing DS from now on and she was totally fine about it.

There are only 3 groups for babies in our small town and I attended all of them: a breastfeeding group, a ‘mums and babies’ coffee morning and then the baby music group. Obviously DH can’t attend breastfeeding or the coffee morning so this was the only one he could do Sad

WIBU to fire back an email asking firstly why she feels the need to refer to my husband by his genitals and secondly, where in the group descriptions anywhere Eddie’s it says it’s a mums only group??

AIBU here???

OP posts:
RedRobin100 · 01/12/2021 20:15

I agree I find that a bit outrageous OP! Would definitely be challenging it…although might not do any good in long run, it’s out of order and discriminatory. It’s a class for the babies, not the parents/mothers specifically as you say.

MrsSkylerWhite · 01/12/2021 20:15

No, YANBU. Our grandchild loves music group, which is attended by mums, dads and grandparents.

If it’s advertised for baby and parent, that’s false advertising if dads aren’t permitted and you would have a genuine complaint with trading standards.

laalaaland · 01/12/2021 20:16

shocking discrimination. I would also be livid.
hang on...just re read....did she actually really only refer to him by his genitals?!
That is so offensive.

Tillymintpolo · 01/12/2021 20:16

Sexual discrimination

Peace43 · 01/12/2021 20:17

YANBU my ex was a SAHD and took our DD to lots of groups. He was always welcome. I’d totally understand that a breastfeeding group wouldn’t be appropriate but a kids music group should be fine!! I would be very annoyed and I assume your DH is upset and angry too.

Trixiefirecracker · 01/12/2021 20:17

It’s definitely discriminatory. That’s a horrid email. I’d be livid too!

LaBelleSauvage123 · 01/12/2021 20:17

Good grief! I’d be raging.

Starcaller · 01/12/2021 20:17

That's awful, and what a rude email.

SockFluffInTheBath · 01/12/2021 20:17

Sorry, is this real?

blissfulllife · 01/12/2021 20:17

Imagine a men's group referring to a lone woman as a vagina! Fucking rude

Original poster
Lividlavidacoco · 01/12/2021 20:17

@laalaaland

shocking discrimination. I would also be livid. hang on...just re read....did she actually really only refer to him by his genitals?! That is so offensive.
Yes! That’s the email word for word!

My eyebrows nearly shot off the top of my head when I read it!

I’ve not told DH yet. He’ll be so hurt by the idea he ever made anyone feel uncomfortable. He’s a lovely, lovely man.

OP posts:
WomblingKnobhead · 01/12/2021 20:18

What do you feel about the breastfeeding women who feel vulnerable whilst feeding?
I think the use of the term penis is shocking and unnecessary

Ohpulltheotherone · 01/12/2021 20:18

“Having a penis in the room” GrinGrinGrin

Honestly that’s awful but hilarious.

YANBU to be annoyed, I am the first person to stand up for female only spaces but a baby music class is nothing to do with female safe spaces.
If she wanted only a female space it should be advertised as such.

Although I understand that if it threatens her long term business success to have men in the group she might feel it’s better to change tactic and go “mums” only.

But what about gay dads? Are we excluding all men from the baby music group?

I support female safe spaces but a baby music group doesn’t tick that box for me so I’m going YANBU

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 01/12/2021 20:18

I'd be furious!
Your DH might be the only 'penis' in the group, but there seems to be more than one dick....

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/12/2021 20:18

I started reading thinking it was a breastfeeding group, which might have made sense, but I see it’s a music class! Yanbu at all. When I took Ds to a music class it was mums, dads, grandmas and grandads, and probably other carers too. Not a problem at all.

Also, referring to him as “a penis” is a bit wtf and reductive - he’s not just a walking penis! “A man” would have done l!

Daisy4569 · 01/12/2021 20:18

Wow what a ridiculous message to send someone. I can’t believe anyone would think that was appropriate!

Cuwins · 01/12/2021 20:18

I think that's awful. Assuming that he hasn't done anything specific to make anyone feel uncomfortable then there is absolutely no reason he shouldn't be able to attend and I would suggest that her attitude is discrimination.
I also have a problem with a group labelled 'mums and babies' to be honest- unless the group is specifically breast feeding support like the first one then I think either parent should be able to attend any group.
I'm also really surprised anyone attending would raise an issue with it to be honest.
I'm a soon to be first time mum and I would certainly expect my partner to be able to attend such groups instead of me and would be really pleased to see a mix of mums and dads at groups.

CandyFloss31 · 01/12/2021 20:18

Disgusting comment. And so dismissive of the important role your DH will be playing in the upbringing of his child. I would be tempted to post that viral on my local SM. I’m sure lots of other parents (including ‘non-penises’) would support you. Attitudes like this do absolutely nothing to promote the bonding experiences and important involvement of fathers in early development, or to promote equality in workplaces around shared childcare.

As mother (uterus?!) that breastfed for many years, please offer my condolences to your DH. We aren’t all like this and I would have been more than happy to have another committed parent to chat with whilst at the group - irrespective of their genitalia… which I’m assuming he kept to himself?!!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/12/2021 20:19

I also support female safe spaces, but I don’t think a music group is one of them.

HeartsAndClubs · 01/12/2021 20:19

Wtf has voted YABU?

Aphantasia · 01/12/2021 20:19

Urgh, she referred to your husband as a penis?? I’d right back and tell her she and all the other vaginas can go fuck themselves

hollyivysaurus · 01/12/2021 20:20

That is absolutely discriminatory, I'd 100% be complaining, highlighting the sexual discrimination, leaving scathing reviews online about that etc. And I am not usually the complaining type! But I think that's outrageous. When mine were little and we attended various classes and groups there were usually a couple of Dads - which is a good thing. You should definitely kick up a huge fuss!

NatriumChloride · 01/12/2021 20:20

What the ACTUAL fuck?? Are you being serious? They referred to your husband as “a penis?” Was that some sort of drunk typo??

I’d escalate this all the way to the top. This is totally discriminatory- this is NOT a mums group/class! I’m shocked OP!

Rodion · 01/12/2021 20:20

I agree with you, although I do also hate breastfeeding in front of men. But if you take your child to a parent and baby event you fully expect parents of both sexes to be there. I suppose from the owners point of view, it's a paid event and the other members are possibly threatening to leave if she doesn't get rid of the man. Horrible to refer to him as a penis though, and why didn't she just correct them that it's not actually a mum and baby event so there may sometimes be a man present.

Don't be hostile on your return email (as tempting as it is ) if you want this person to see your point of view and not kick DH out.

Original poster
Lividlavidacoco · 01/12/2021 20:21

@Peace43

YANBU my ex was a SAHD and took our DD to lots of groups. He was always welcome. I’d totally understand that a breastfeeding group wouldn’t be appropriate but a kids music group should be fine!! I would be very annoyed and I assume your DH is upset and angry too.
I’ve not told him yet. He’s out for the evening for a well earned break, due home at 11ish.

I’m not sure I want to tell him. I’m worried it will really knock his confidence. He’s loving life at hone with DS but I know he sometimes feels like he plays second fiddle to me as ‘mum’ if that makes any sense. I’m trying to change that and make sure he feels like he can make decisions for DS too as an equal partner and this will just make him feel like he can never be that.

OP posts: