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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that ‘passed’ is an awful euphemism

172 replies

ClaudiusTheGod · 01/12/2021 18:18

Why are so many people reluctant to say ‘died’ now?

‘Passed’ used to be used about exams or driving tests. When did passed away become passed? And what’s wrong with saying die/died/dead?

My husband died. He’s dead. He’s never coming back. That’s the truth of the matter, yet I’ve seen people flinch if I use the D words. I would really like to hear opinions on why this is.

OP posts:
holibae · 01/12/2021 18:22

Sorry for your loss Daffodil
I agree and prefer to say dead or died.
I'm medically trained and was always taught to be clear and factual and anything other than these words are not that.
I think some people feel it's more respectful to say 'passed' as it's softer maybe?

Tal45 · 01/12/2021 18:22

I hate the term passed or passed away. They've died, calling it by some euphemism doesn't make it any less true or awful. I'm sorry you lost your husband.

Sparklingbrook · 01/12/2021 18:22

I think it's a personal thing. I don't mind 'passed away'. I used to work in a Hospice and I believe that anyone bereaved can use whatever they feel comfortable with and 'passed away' was used a lot.

MrsPear · 01/12/2021 18:23

I’m struggling to say dead in relation to my aunt. She went from a fit and healthy woman to palliative care in the blink of an eye and it all started with a funny tummy as she called it after a heavy weekend away with her mates. Maybe I will get better after the funeral. It may sink in then. You would think seeing her unconscious with a trach may help but it hasn’t.

Musicaltheatremum · 01/12/2021 18:24

I'm.a widow. 10 years nearly. He's dead, died. Nothing else.

Newfrontdoor · 01/12/2021 18:25

I'm sorry for your loss.

I really don't mind "passed away" at all but "passed" feels like a lazy Americanism. I always want to say passed what!? But realise it's usually not appropriate. Blush

ShinyMe · 01/12/2021 18:25

Somebody I work with used 'transitioned' recently. We had a conversation at compete misunderstanding as I assumed they meant transitioned male to female, but then she said that no, he transitioned over the rainbow to heaven. If I didn't know better I'd have thought it was a joke.

FluffyBooBoo · 01/12/2021 18:25

Why do you think it is awful?

I think if someone has suffered a bereavement, it's okay for them to use whatever term they are comfortable with.

hotmeatymilk · 01/12/2021 18:26

I’m sorry for your loss. I quite agree. I was furious at the registrar who kept using the word “passed”: my parent bloody died! And you’re the registrar of DEATHS, stop flim-flamming!

But if someone uses “passed” about their loss, I’ll go with it – not my place to ask someone bereaved to tweak their language. Conversely if I say died, people ought to mirror that – and not flinch, as you’ve said.

SwedishEdith · 01/12/2021 18:26

I think use it because they think other people might feel uncomfortable. I think just 'passed' always feels a bit seance-y to me though.

R0tational · 01/12/2021 18:27

Yanbu!

TheFormerMrsPugwash · 01/12/2021 18:27

I agree with you, OP.

I am sorry that your husband died. Flowers

I am also sorry that my best friend died a couple of weeks ago. Death is pretty awful for the people who are grieving, but calling it by a euphemism really doesn't help. In my experience, it adds an unwanted layer of pissed offness to the existing upsetness. That said, I grit my teeth and use 'passed away' if someone else who's grieving uses that term themself, as it's not for me to tell them how to name their own experience.

Iwant2move · 01/12/2021 18:27

No idea. My husband was killed four years ago yesterday.. I say he is dead and he was killed. I’m sorry your husband has died.

WorraLiberty · 01/12/2021 18:28

There was a thread exactly the same as this about a week ago but bizarrely I can't find it? Confused

Anyway, the general consensus was that people should use whatever language around death that they feel comfortable with.

One persons 'comforting word' will be another person's 'trigger'.

ArblemarchTFruitbat · 01/12/2021 18:28

I say 'died' but if talking to a bereaved person I always take my lead from them and use whatever word or phrase they are using.

I can understand why someone with a religious/spiritual faith would prefer 'passed' as it implies the person's soul still exists but has moved to a different plane. That's not something I personally believe, though.

Anonymous48 · 01/12/2021 18:29

This isn't a new thing though is it, surely?

I'm also a widow and I don't mind it all. I certainly wouldn't be "furious" as one PP said if someone said that my husband had passed. My husband died, and using a "gentler" term doesn't change that, but it's certainly not offensive.

Sparklingbrook · 01/12/2021 18:29

@WorraLiberty

There was a thread exactly the same as this about a week ago but bizarrely I can't find it? Confused

Anyway, the general consensus was that people should use whatever language around death that they feel comfortable with.

One persons 'comforting word' will be another person's 'trigger'.

I have definitely seen this recently too. and agree that people can use whatever words they like.
freshcarnation · 01/12/2021 18:30

I'm not keen on euphemisms. A neighbour some years ago told me her husband had 'gone'. I thought he had left her. It took about five minutes before I realised he had died.

Userguaranteed · 01/12/2021 18:31

I'm sorry about your husband.

I do think people have flogged this topic many times here. Some people like passed, some don't. I don't think there's anything wrong with any word someone chooses to use as euphemism for death.

I don't use passed but I've done so when someone used it, in reply to them.

That said, I detest "deceased". It sounds amd looks awful.

WhatDidISayAlan · 01/12/2021 18:31

I hate it, it’s “died” for me.

Coincidentally, there is a really good podcast called “Fortunately…” with Jane Garvey and Fo Glover, and their topic was death the other week. They had a really great guest on who has studied bereavement, death, palliative care etc, and it was brilliant. It also put to bed a couple of troubles I had about losing my dad and brother - would highly recommend it.

Squirrelblanket · 01/12/2021 18:31

I agree. I have had two deaths in the family in the last 18 months and I hate it when people say 'passed' or passed away. I never know whether it's appropriate to state your preference though. I know they are just trying to be nice.

Userguaranteed · 01/12/2021 18:31

and*

Brawsome · 01/12/2021 18:33

I agree. Not keen on ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ either. Too generic.

littlejalapeno · 01/12/2021 18:33

People should use what they feel comfortable with, this is a pretty pathetic thing to be offended about. My mum died in September, I tell people she passed away because it’s fucking easier than saying there’s a huge void where she used to be and “died” doesn’t quite cover the experience.

You’ve clearly never sat with a dying person and helped them pass over, so they have the minimum of fear and discomfort.

Who are you to police how grieving people communicate about their experience of their loved ones dying?

AlwaysLatte · 01/12/2021 18:34

I wouldn't like to criticise anyone using whatever terminology helps them the most.