To think that ‘passed’ is an awful euphemism

[ClaudiusTheGod]

Why are so many people reluctant to say ‘died’ now?

‘Passed’ used to be used about exams or driving tests. When did passed away become passed? And what’s wrong with saying die/died/dead?

My husband died. He’s dead. He’s never coming back. That’s the truth of the matter, yet I’ve seen people flinch if I use the D words. I would really like to hear opinions on why this is.

I am so sorry for your loss, I'm unfortunately used to posting on Widow sites and forget this.

@FluffyBooBoo

Why do you think it is awful?

I think if someone has suffered a bereavement, it's okay for them to use whatever term they are comfortable with.

That's what I think

I use "died" for an uncle who died very quickly from a heart attack.

Another relative who took months to die, I use "passed away" because that seems to express the time and pain better.

If I wanted to be more direct I'd say "passed away excuciatingly bloody slowly and who knew the last throes of death, and death rattle, could last that long".

Anyone objecting to "passed away" because they think it's not direct, how direct did you want?

I have been a widow over 24years,I really couldn’t care less how death is described.

@littlejalapeno

People should use what they feel comfortable with, this is a pretty pathetic thing to be offended about. My mum died in September, I tell people she passed away because it’s fucking easier than saying there’s a huge void where she used to be and “died” doesn’t quite cover the experience.

You’ve clearly never sat with a dying person and helped them pass over, so they have the minimum of fear and discomfort.

Who are you to police how grieving people communicate about their experience of their loved ones dying?

And all this too.

Anyone objecting to "passed away" because they think it's not direct, how direct did you want?

Apparently "aye, back to the mud" is too direct from my experience.

Put to bed with a shovel.
Age old euphemism right there.

I'm sorry your husband died. Thoughts with you xxx
It's a stop the world moment and other words don't describe it as suddenly and bluntly as it happens

But
Medical records will refer to husband died - that's what i write
Other records including social care will usually refer to "sadly her husband passed away"

Other Professionals and people try to be gentle as they don't want you to relive it when you read it

But until they experience it, they don't realise, died is what it is , it's sudden and harsh and that word won't change anything nor bring them back.

My husband died
My sister who was my best friend died

Changing the words doesn't stop it from being harsh because it was

But as I'm in this field, not every patient wants to hear the word died or dead, some prefer passed or passed away. No one likes the word lost their husband /wife, because they didn't lose them when out in an unobservant way ...

@RobertSmithsLipstick

I think it's gross, crass and insensitive to police what terms people choose, as if saying DEAD! is somehow superior.

I totally agree with this.

I lost my Dad last March. It absolutely wouldn't occur to me to find offence in any of the terms people regularly use. They are trying to be kind and supportive, and can use the language they are most comfortable with.

OP, I am very sorry about your husband. I can't see this as anything to get het up over though.

But also true.

I still go cold remembering asking an African lady about her husband and the 'tut, bloody men eh' response I made to her saying 'he is late'. It took far too long for me to twig on.

That was meant to be quoting the post saying the 'he is late' post was from a book.

I don't understand being judgmental about what words someone uses to discuss death, so long as they're respectful. Use the words you prefer and let others do the same.

When speaking to the bereaved, most people are just trying not to inflict further pain or seem disrespectful. There's no way for someone to know how the person they're speaking to feels, so we're all just doing the best we can!

My dad died of Covid at the beginning of the pandemic. I’m in my early 20s so most of my friends/colleagues haven’t experienced this kind of grief. Sometimes it’s easier to use ‘passed away’, rather than than died a lot of the time. When I was in my early stages of grief I used “passed away” because I was too sensitive to say the word. Now I say “died” as I can cope with it and it’s very matter of fact.

In our community PEOPLE "pass on" as their souls leave their bodies and pass on to heaven. Animals, trees, and grass "die" as they have no souls. (Not sure I agree about all animals, but that is the reasoning here.)

@Flippanty

Agreed comfortsex, I was certainly talking about my own preferences, I couldn’t care less how other people choose to talk about their own loved ones and I will go off their cues. I dislike feeling like other people are trying to water down my own experience with grief, especially if I’ve said die/died/death to them and they respond with ‘passed’. It feels exactly like a PP said like you can’t discuss your grief with them, it’s as if they find it unpalatable. I didn’t see the other thread either and wouldn’t have commented if I had as I would hate for anyone on that thread who is grieving to feel attacked.

People use "passed/away" to test the water. I'd never jump in and ask "is your son dead?" That just sounds crass to me

Passed is more considerate. If the person uses dead themselves then it's ok to follow their lead

I'd rather discuss my grief with someone who was careful with language (even if too careful to some people) because they sound more sensitive...

I'm not sure why using passed away would mean they're not someone to discuss with, when they won't be sharing your grief anyway so it has nothing to do with them not accepting it, or whatever in most cases

I say died, and remember mother being very definitely that we do not use euphemisms. I can live with passed away, but I do not like just "passed", because it's unclear, and I have genuinely wondered what exam or something is being talked about when I was actually being told someone had died.

Died isn't final. My parents are with me every day in my head.

I agree OP, I absolutely detest when people use the term "passed".

I don't mind "passed away".

I’m sorry for your loss OP. I can say someone died no problem, but when it’s someone I was close to I have trouble with it. I think each to their own. It’s a horrible part of life and we should use whatever language we feel comfortable with.

@littlejalapeno

People should use what they feel comfortable with, this is a pretty pathetic thing to be offended about. My mum died in September, I tell people she passed away because it’s fucking easier than saying there’s a huge void where she used to be and “died” doesn’t quite cover the experience.

You’ve clearly never sat with a dying person and helped them pass over, so they have the minimum of fear and discomfort.

Who are you to police how grieving people communicate about their experience of their loved ones dying?

Totally agree.

I cannot imagine why anyone would get annoyed about words other people use to talk about death and dying. Grief is a deeply individual experience. What is it that makes one word superior to another? Why can't people use words that feel right to them?

Sorry for your loss.

Obviously everyone should be able to use whatever phrasing they feel comfortable with. You have to cut people a bit of slack with this sort of thing.

But I agree: its euphemistic which I generally dislike anyway and has overtones of Victorian whimsy about it.

@littlejalapeno

People should use what they feel comfortable with, this is a pretty pathetic thing to be offended about. My mum died in September, I tell people she passed away because it’s fucking easier than saying there’s a huge void where she used to be and “died” doesn’t quite cover the experience.

You’ve clearly never sat with a dying person and helped them pass over, so they have the minimum of fear and discomfort.

Who are you to police how grieving people communicate about their experience of their loved ones dying?

I don't think its about being "offended" and no-one is trying to police anything.

It's normal to have irrational reactions to certain words and reasonable to discuss our responses to them, particularly in heightened emotional situations.

I don't use the term "passed" myself and prefer to use the non-euphemistic words to describe someone's life having come to an end.

I assume that "passed" is a shortened version of "passed away". The latter I understand, but the former I had not heard used until fairly recently. It sounds odd to me. I think of passed as meaning passed a driving test or passed an exam.