To think that ‘passed’ is an awful euphemism

[ClaudiusTheGod]

Why are so many people reluctant to say ‘died’ now?

‘Passed’ used to be used about exams or driving tests. When did passed away become passed? And what’s wrong with saying die/died/dead?

My husband died. He’s dead. He’s never coming back. That’s the truth of the matter, yet I’ve seen people flinch if I use the D words. I would really like to hear opinions on why this is.

I am getting the impression that some think that bereaved people haven't quite accepted it if they say 'passed away' rather than 'died' or 'dead'. In my experience at the Hospice that was not the case, that was just what they preferred to say, they knew full well exactly what had happened.

I don't care what term people use to describe their loved ones dying. A lot of my family are dead, I say they died if I have to talk about it, but it doesn't matter to me. Gone is the word I would choose because that's how lonely and abandoned it makes me feel, but nobody would get what I mean. Why wouldn't people want to avoid the words dead or died, I don't blame people for wanting to stay as far away from death as they can.

@ArblemarchTFruitbat

I say 'died' but if talking to a bereaved person I always take my lead from them and use whatever word or phrase they are using.

I can understand why someone with a religious/spiritual faith would prefer 'passed' as it implies the person's soul still exists but has moved to a different plane. That's not something I personally believe, though.

This

I too hate euphemisms. So did my parents. I was really taken aback when the local paper didn’t want to say that my mum had died. I was more or less forced to use the term passed when putting a death notice in their paper. I was so taken aback I caved, but never again.

I don’t like it but if people want to use it about their own bereavement that’s up to them.

I prefer passed aa to me it means their soul has passed on to the next world. I think everyone should call it what suits them.

I certainly intend to.

@holibae

Sorry for your loss I agree and prefer to say dead or died. I'm medically trained and was always taught to be clear and factual and anything other than these words are not that. I think some people feel it's more respectful to say 'passed' as it's softer maybe?

Christ, imagine how medically trained people feel in 2021 when having to agree with things that aren’t clear factual. It must drive them nuts.

Oh my achey breaky heart.
It must be so terribly confusing for them.

People should use whatever terms they like but I still wonder why ‘passed’ seemed to suddenly replace ‘passed away’ a few years ago.

I never give it a thought, strangely enough.
Why would anyone?
Just say it how you want or need to.

DH have had this discussion as we too dislike the use of 'lost' or 'passed/away". Our daughter died. That's how we say it because that's what happened.

Quite a few years back, one of DH's old Uni friends was knocked over and seriously injured. DH went to visit him a couple of times. On one visit DH couldn't find his friend in the bed/bay where he had previously been so DH asked one of the nursing staff where he was. The reply was "I'm sorry, but Mr H is no longer with us". The look on DH's face must have said it all as he was totally shocked that his friend had died. The nurse quickly clarified that Mr H had in fact been transferred to a hospital near to his home town!

My father died last week. I don’t really care what people say, how they phrase it, it makes no difference to me but no amount of skirting around the edges will bring him back.

I think as a nation we don’t talk about death and dying enough, there’s a taboo around it that somehow makes you feel incredibly alone when your loved one is in their last days or weeks, even more so when it’s shockingly unexpected (I’ve experienced both)

People are uncomfortable referencing the event or your loved one. I have found myself having to reassure people when they offer their condolences at a time when my own grief is still so raw because they are so obviously wanting to be kind but not really knowing the best way to do that.

I’d prefer that we all felt able to talk about it more openly, using any darn words we feel comfortable using.

I don’t care what terms other people want to use for their own loved ones that is completely up to them. But I loathe when people use ‘passed’ to me when talking about my family members, something about it just gets my hackles up and I always respond by using died/death and hope they pick up on my cues. I can just about cope with ‘passed away’ as this is kind of a general accepted term and I understand people are just trying to be polite. But ‘passed’ seems so wishy-washy and definitely creeping in from US.

When my brother died someone said "I'm sorry your brother has moved on" He didn't get a new girlfriend he was just dead!

When my sister died I had to tell some family members. I said it simply as "X died yesterday" and got a few gasps and even a shriek from an aunt because I dared to use the D word. It was worse when they found out it wasn't a peaceful, in her sleep kind of death- apparently I should've lied about that too!

When talking to someone else about their grief I go with what they use but if they start chatting some shit about rainbow bridge or strolling through the pearly gates I do internally vom a bit.

I do legal writing for my job, and we're supposed to say "expired." Like yogurt. I don't add the "like yogurt" part, though.

My parents died, so they are dead. I don't they would've said they'd passed away, certainly not passed.

Similarly I didn't 'lose' them, which always strikes me as sounding really careless.

Please don't tell small kids that someone has been lost, it's really distressing if they get the idea that someone can be casually mislaid and abandoned or cast off.

I never understood the term "lost", as in, "we lost Jack last night".

I know people mean that person has died but I'm such a literal thinker, I don't quite know how to react because I am paralysed with asking myself "do they mean they've misplaced them or do they mean they've died?", and it makes my response seem less sincere even if I want it to be really sincere.

I did witness a misunderstanding like this. A new colleague was told, “poor Noah. His family lost their dad and Noah found him”. New colleague wrongly thought that Noah’s dad had been found safe and well. In fact he had died suddenly at home and was never lost in the sense of being missing.

@RobertSmithsLipstick

Oh my achey breaky heart. It must be so terribly confusing for them.

I don’t think they’ll be confused with the facts more they why’s….

Late is not ‘from’ the No 1 Ladies Detective Agency

🙄

the

The reality of death is harsh, brutal and final, and calling it by a soft euphemism doesn't make it any less harsh, brutal or final. I know far more than I would want to by this age about bereavement, and have nursed many family members through their final illnesses. It's not a romanticised process: it's an ugly and painful one for all concerned, and in pretty much every respect. So much so, that when a suffering loved one dies it can come as a relief, and then you have to process all the guilty feelings over that, too.

I don't try to dictate to others how they should grieve. If a comforting euphemism is helpful to them and they use this in relation to their own bereavements then I follow their lead. But I don't find it helpful for me personally.

OP, condolences to you

Ancient Egyptians believed you passed from this life to the after life, so the term could come from that idea..?

Brace yourselves, Mumsnet: it’s a class thing.

Nancy Mitford, in her influential (and mischievous) essay ‘The English Aristocracy’ made it clear that the upper classes abhor vulgar euphemism, and that aristocrats therefore say ‘died’ and never ‘passed away’. This was in 1954.

Oh. I didn't see that there's another thread posted just down the board by an OP with 'passed' in the title, whose relative was nearing the end and who wanted the comforting reassurance of others' experiences.

In which case, OP, YADBU. The timing of this post is neither empathetic nor kind.