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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that ‘passed’ is an awful euphemism

172 replies

ClaudiusTheGod · 01/12/2021 18:18

Why are so many people reluctant to say ‘died’ now?

‘Passed’ used to be used about exams or driving tests. When did passed away become passed? And what’s wrong with saying die/died/dead?

My husband died. He’s dead. He’s never coming back. That’s the truth of the matter, yet I’ve seen people flinch if I use the D words. I would really like to hear opinions on why this is.

OP posts:
ParkheadParadise · 01/12/2021 18:34

This is the second thread about this.

My daughter was Murdered
I hate telling people that, so I will say
I lost my daughter 6 years ago.
My daughter passed away 6 years ago.
What does it fucking matter what people say.

colouringindoors · 01/12/2021 18:34

I totally agree OP.

They "Died".

I think we are in general really rubbish at talking about death in the UK, and also understanding grief and the fact that it is very often a very long road.

Many, many sympathies Flowers

GoodVibesHere · 01/12/2021 18:36

I think people struggle with how stark and final 'died' sounds. But that's what it is - dead, gone, not coming back.

I can imagine it would be quite annoying to have people try to soften it by saying 'passed'. I think they're softening it for themselves, and it would make me feel like they are sort of playing down the horrible reality.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 01/12/2021 18:36

It's personal preference surely... I don't mind passed/passed away but can't stand "lost". I have fucking lost anyone! Where? Between the sofa cushions?! It sounds so glib and I can't stand it.

I'd much rather someone said "I'm sorry to hear he passed away" than "I'm sorry you've lost him".

MerryMarigold · 01/12/2021 18:37

I prefer died but an sensitive that many people don't like it so would use 'passed away' as a default even though I personally hate it. Or I would use 'loss of' as well. Not 'Sorry to hear your husband died'.

RobertSmithsLipstick · 01/12/2021 18:38

It's not something I can get worked up about.
Whatever.

ThinWomansBrain · 01/12/2021 18:38

so sorry for your loss, expecially at this time of year Flowers

I hate passed too - but it's no where near as cringe as going over the sodding rainbow bridge

BoredOfCbeebies · 01/12/2021 18:38

Yes, found this really annoying when my parents died. I suppose they were trying to make an awful event seem better, but it just wound me up.
I also had hospital staff being very vague with me about my DF dying. On a phone call in the middle of the night, I had to explicitly ask "so has he actually died?" as they were being so unclear with euphemisms.

RobertSmithsLipstick · 01/12/2021 18:39

It was pointed out on the other thread.
Why are people saying sorry for your loss?
Sorry they're dead must be preferable, in case of confusion.

itsjustnotok · 01/12/2021 18:40

I don't understand peoples need to scrutinise how others choose to phrase or describe something. Death is personal to all of us and it doesn't matter what language we use if allows someone to cope with their bereavement. It hurts no one should someone use ‘passed on, died or gone’. It's down to the individual to determine what us comfortable.

WorraLiberty · 01/12/2021 18:41

And this thread (just as the other one did) proves the point perfectly that people use whatever language they are comfortable with.

Because the OP has said she prefers the word 'died' and yet everyone's saying "Sorry for your loss "

purplecorkheart · 01/12/2021 18:42

I must confess it is something I have never given much thought to. Everyone grieves their own way and I am not going to judge or get irritated by the word they choose to use.

GoodVibesHere · 01/12/2021 18:43

I've re-read my post and I need to clarify that what I mean is it must be annoying if you use the term 'died' and someone responds with 'passed'. I think the bereaved person themselves should say whatever they prefer.

@Parkheadparadise I'm very very sorry to hear that about your DD, how utterly heartbreaking. I hope whoever took her life rots. Not that it changes anything.

GetTheFlockOutOfHere · 01/12/2021 18:43

I think people should say what they feel comfortable with (as a few pps have said,) and I don't actually mind 'passed away,' or 'passed...' But YANBU to be bothered by it @ClaudiusTheGod as that is your right. Sorry to hear about your husband by the way. Flowers

Also, I like 'passed over the rainbow bridge' when it comes to animals.

GetTheFlockOutOfHere · 01/12/2021 18:44

Or 'crossed the rainbow bridge.......'

sweetieqie · 01/12/2021 18:44

Wow I had no idea the word passed is so bothersome.

I don't like o say "dead". When my family member first died I'd burst into tears every time someone said it. The shock of such a young person being killed hit me again every time, ot was like his name shouldn't even go next to that word.

Now, I'm obviously not that sensitive. I still avoid saying "died/dead" because it's quite blunt and makes others feel uncomfortable, like they don't know what to respond with.

I just use past tense to get the message across, or might say passed.

GetTheFlockOutOfHere · 01/12/2021 18:49

@RobertSmithsLipstick

It was pointed out on the other thread. Why are people saying sorry for your loss? Sorry they're dead must be preferable, in case of confusion.
Oooh, this is a bugbear for me; I HATE 'sorry for your loss' when someone dies..... It just feels like a kind of stock phrase that people say automatically without thinking, when they are not necessarily that bothered, because they don't know you that well for example.

To me, it's the equivalent of a cashier on a checkout saying 'sorry to keep you waiting.' I have had cashiers say that when I have been waiting for 7 seconds. They don't mean it, it's just a stock phrase that they blurt out.

Sparklingbrook · 01/12/2021 18:52

I've just looked at the death notices in the local paper and they all say 'passed away peacefully' or 'passed away suddenly' or just 'passed away'.

Sparklingbrook · 01/12/2021 18:52

@GetTheFlockOutOfHere

Or 'crossed the rainbow bridge.......'
Isn't that for cats and dogs?
Kitkatchunkyplease · 01/12/2021 18:52

@ParkheadParadise

This is the second thread about this.

My daughter was Murdered
I hate telling people that, so I will say
I lost my daughter 6 years ago.
My daughter passed away 6 years ago.
What does it fucking matter what people say.

This is so terribly sad. I'm so sorry. That's such an inadequate thing to say, but I am sorry.
RobertSmithsLipstick · 01/12/2021 18:52

I didn't mind what people said when my daughter died.
I was too busy grieving, and there was no confusion.
She suffered and lost her life after a 10 year battle with cancer.

Nobody thought I had misplaced her (lost) or that she had passed (wind)

logsonlogsoff · 01/12/2021 18:54

I can’t say ‘died’ about my mum, it’s guarantee to bring tears and that’s not always appropriate.
YABU to try to police how people describe losing the people in their life to death.

Kitkatchunkyplease · 01/12/2021 18:54

And op I am very sorry that your husband has died. It's very unfair.

I say my mum died or I lost her. Some people hate 'I lost' but that's how I feel. She was lost to me the moment she went into hospital and we never saw her again. So essentially I think the bereaved can use the terms they like, and we should listen and fit in with their preferences.

Couchbettato · 01/12/2021 18:55

Sorry for your loss.

I never understood the term "lost", as in, "we lost Jack last night".

I know people mean that person has died but I'm such a literal thinker, I don't quite know how to react because I am paralysed with asking myself "do they mean they've misplaced them or do they mean they've died?", and it makes my response seem less sincere even if I want it to be really sincere.

RobertSmithsLipstick · 01/12/2021 18:55

I sometimes say died, sometimes lost, and sometimes passed away.
They're all fine.
It's my loss, my burden to carry.