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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how much it is usual ro.give your adult daugher fot her birthday.?

189 replies

Mondaymindy · 01/12/2021 16:22

Id just like to guage this...
My dm has just sent me a gift card for £15.
Ive been giving this amount to dc of friends .. but for my own dc b day ( young adult) I

would allocate about £100 to £ 150 so that she could be assured to get something she would enjoy amd invest in and treat herself. Eg speakers.
Have I been getting rhis wrong ? Unless i was struggling, which my dm is most defintley not,i wouldnt send £ 15 to an adult close relative. ..
My family have hinted that i am over spendy at times ? Thoughts please..

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 02/12/2021 07:39

My mum spent £600 on me for my 30th. Normally it's less but still around 200-300. I'm an only child though and she can afford to.

Fifthtimelucky · 02/12/2021 08:17

I think it depends a lot on age, stage of life and financial circumstances. My daughters are in their early 20s and neither is earning anything as they are both students.

They will get more than I would expect to give them if they were settled in their own homes with good jobs.

My parents are dead now, but never gave me expensive presents as an adult. They would never have given me cash but wouldn't have spent more than £15. It would have been small token presents for adults, with a little more being spent on their grandchildren. My parents in law were the same. It seemed very sensible to me.

Dalalalada · 02/12/2021 08:49

As long as i can ever afford it i will be giving my daughter a nice 100 pound present.

My comfortably off dm gave me a home constipation remedy for my 40th.

It was the last straw and i actually cannot bring myself to speak to her again.

Dalalalada · 02/12/2021 08:51

*WeAllHaveWings

When an adult child has left home and is financially independent, a token birthday gift amount is absolutely appropriate.*

Mum?!

dottiedodah · 02/12/2021 09:03

Tbh lots of older people may think 15 pounds is quite enough! We usually get about 100 quid or so .surely depends on income though and attitude towards money generally.

BlueTouchPaper · 02/12/2021 09:13

Birthdays are important in childhood but not in adulthood

This. It also depends on family culture. My own mother never bought birthday/christmas presents once I'd turned about 14 and had a Saturday job. Aunts and uncles never bought presents even for children.

It came as a surprise to me in my twenties when friends got presents from family members. Just an alien concept to me. It doesn't bother me at all. As well as not giving presents, my parents and siblings don't expect one either (although in later life I would give my mother a box of chocolates or flowers - anything more expensive would be weird)

Husband's family used to but it's petered out as we all turned 30 or so.

I think maybe we are in the minority though.

peaceanddove · 02/12/2021 10:16

I'm known for being very generous with our DDs (and everyone really) at birthdays and Christmas. I love buying presents. DDs are 17 & 18 and we're probably spending roughly £700 each on them this Christmas?

But even once they've left home I will probably still happily spend a few hundred on them. Like I said, I love buying pressies Smile

MorningStarling · 02/12/2021 10:18

Assuming you can afford it, £150-250 would be the acceptable range. More if you can comfortably afford it and obviously less if you genuinely can't (you wouldn't expect a mother surviving solely on state pension to be able to).

£15 is what you'd give a relative you didn't like or see very often. For a mother to give that to her daughter, it's more of an insult than not giving anything.

VestaTilley · 02/12/2021 10:26

How old are you? If you’re in work and have your basic needs covered yourself then gifts from DPs generally become more of a token in most families.

I never ask my parents for anything expensive. I’m 35, in work, have a DH and I’d rather my DPs spent money on my DS, if anybody at all.

My DPs generally give me a £25 voucher or a jumper from TU at Sainsbury’s, or a wall calendar or some gloves - that sort of thing.

YABVU to expect £150 worth of gifts off your parents in adulthood! Unless you’re all a family of millionaires then you’re being grabby. Older parents have retirements to fund and care costs to save for.

Amandasummers · 02/12/2021 10:37

I’m 35 and I’d say roughly £100. This year I got a couple of little bits and £70 cash so I think that’s the budget. I don’t expect anything from my mum though to be honest!

Zenithbear · 02/12/2021 10:38

My parents only give £20 for birthday but about £200 at Christmas per couple.
I spend around £100 for my adult DC birthdays and £250 Christmas including their partners.
Wealth and generosity don't always go together.
My friends parents live in a £2 million house, spend a fortune on things for themselves but hate giving away any of it. Nothing for special birthdays, occasions, £10 each for Christmas.

MauveMavis · 02/12/2021 10:43

£100-£150 would have been normal as a gift from my comfortably retired father before he died.

wolfstarling · 02/12/2021 10:46

Around £350 for both birthdays and Christmas.

Picklypickles · 02/12/2021 10:53

I've just had a birthday (milestone one) and my dad gave me £300, it's usually about £100 when its not a special birthday! My aunt sent me £20 in a card, my mum took me shopping and got me some clothes/books amounting to about £60.

Levithian · 02/12/2021 10:56

I'm really shocked at these answers. I'd feel really weird if my parents gave me a large amount of money. They're relatively well off financially and there are times when I have been on the bones of my arse, but they perhaps spend £20ish on a gift for me. I do the same for them.
Saying that, I'm imagining what I'd get for my own DC if they were the age I am now (late 30s) and I'm thinking I'd probably spend more around the £100. That disparity is quite sad really.

limitedperiodonly · 02/12/2021 10:57

Surely it depends how much money you have to spare and what the person wants rather than their age and earning capacity?

My parents would always aim to spend the same amount on the three of us but if someone wanted or needed something more expensive that year they would make a one-off exception. On the other hand if one of us wanted something that cost well under the budget for a main present they would buy that and not be too fussed about making up the rest with pointless presents that we didn't want or need.

They were good rules and we all now follow them. It's horrible to say that once someone reaches a certain age they don't deserve to have money spent on them - that's as long as you can afford it.

But some people are like that. It's the same as some people on Mumsnet insist on charging for board and lodging when their adult children start work and insist it's preparation for the real world. They can do what they like but we were not brought up like that and we were all perfectly capable of budgeting when we did eventually leave home. We now pass it on to our children.

I'm talking about parents who can afford not to charge. It's completely different if you can't.

3peassuit · 02/12/2021 11:03

I think it depends on income, what stage they’re at in their lives and their needs plus your income. DD1has recently bought a new house so her present is a new sofa. Last year it was a bottle of her favourite perfume and new boots. DD2 had a new laptop last year, this year it’s a contribution towards a new car. What I spend varies a fair bit from year to year.

Evenstar · 02/12/2021 11:09

£50 for Christmas main present, plus stocking fillers and £50 for birthdays. It can be either money/voucher or a gift to that value.

No grandchildren yet, but DH and I have 5 adult children between us and any more would be a bit expensive.

Does your mum have a lot of people to buy for?

wolfstarling · 02/12/2021 11:35

I'm really shocked at these answers. I'd feel really weird if my parents gave me a large amount of money. They're relatively well off financially and there are times when I have been on the bones of my arse, but they perhaps spend £20ish on a gift for me. I do the same for them.
Saying that, I'm imagining what I'd get for my own DC if they were the age I am now (late 30s) and I'm thinking I'd probably spend more around the £100. That disparity is quite sad really.

I think you have to take into account inflation. My DH's DF has given him £150 for the last 40 years.

I probably won't increase my £350 and my DC will think I am tight in a few years' time with rising inflation - not that my DH thinks this about his DF, he is grateful for the money every year.

Capferret · 02/12/2021 11:39

I have 4 siblings.
My db, golden child, is v. comfortably off. He gets v. high value gift from dm.
Other siblings get decent amount.
I don't expect anything because it only leads to disappointment.
That's probably another story though.

Macmickmoo · 02/12/2021 11:40

My Mum hasn’t bought me a gift or given me money since the day I got married before that she was fairly generous.

Alarae · 02/12/2021 11:44

It was recently my birthday and I got £50 from my dad and ~£50 from my mum/stepdad.

I feel that your issue isn't the monetary value, but rather the value received against your siblings/how your mother is perceiving you at the time. Personally the monetary value wouldn't bother me as long as it was given with a good heart (I have frequently said I need nothing) but in your case its clear it isn't, but is rather conditional.

I don't think you are unreasonable to feel that way at all. It's not the money; it's literally the thought behind it.

pisspants · 02/12/2021 11:47

I also get around £30 ish spent on me, sometimes a bit more sometimes a bit less, but when my parents ask me what I might like I've always suggested something around that sort of price.

Practicebeingpatient · 02/12/2021 11:51

If I were to give adult D.C. cash I'd probably give them £100 because they are young and hard up and I am relatively well off.

My own mum gives me £20 every Christmas and birthday. It's not wanted or needed but I appreciate the thought and generally put it towards a meal out or some other treat. I would have had the treat anyway but it pleases mum to think she paid for it.

Sosigsandwich · 02/12/2021 12:22

My parents spend £100 on each of us whether your their biological child, step child, sil/dil or grandchild.