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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how much it is usual ro.give your adult daugher fot her birthday.?

189 replies

Mondaymindy · 01/12/2021 16:22

Id just like to guage this...
My dm has just sent me a gift card for £15.
Ive been giving this amount to dc of friends .. but for my own dc b day ( young adult) I

would allocate about £100 to £ 150 so that she could be assured to get something she would enjoy amd invest in and treat herself. Eg speakers.
Have I been getting rhis wrong ? Unless i was struggling, which my dm is most defintley not,i wouldnt send £ 15 to an adult close relative. ..
My family have hinted that i am over spendy at times ? Thoughts please..

OP posts:
OzziePopPop · 01/12/2021 17:50

I am nc with mum and lc with dad btw. Not because of gifts!

IncompleteSenten · 01/12/2021 17:50

There's no right or wrong amount.
People give what they want to and can afford to.

twosticksandanapple · 01/12/2021 17:52

My parents give me £100 on my birthday but I always give them the same on theirs. All a bit silly really but I feel they are over generous and don't like to see them out of pocket as they only have small pensions. I would offend them if I refused the money.

GalaxyPostcard · 01/12/2021 17:54

My mum doesn't give me money but I know she spends about £100 on me for birthday and Christmas combined.

Original poster
Mondaymindy · 01/12/2021 17:55

Dacquoise exactly what I was trying to ger my head round

I have noted that yes gifts/ money from her can indeed be weaponised . I didnt know how to express it..The percieved ' good siblings ' get more amd also random gifts. Its like she says . You get what you pay for.. re wine etc well if i am fitting into who she.wants me to be she ' rewards' me ans others via gifts being bigger. If the opposite, the gifts, which are an extension of how she may be feeling..alter.
She us more generous to.those in favour as it were.

OP posts:
Lipsandlashes · 01/12/2021 17:55

It’s really hard to say because different people view money and gifts different and won’t spend much even on close relatives. My parents are quite well off and very generous but my MiL really isn’t. My parents would spend £100 or so on DC for birthdays - more for Christmas (DC are 8 and 10!). Whereas MiL would spend about £25 to £30 on their birthdays and maybe a bit more for Christmas.

woodhill · 01/12/2021 17:56

I spend around £75-80 on adult dds as they have dhs so I spend £20-30:on their birthdays as well.

DM usually gives me around £50

Tigger85 · 01/12/2021 17:56

My parents stopped spending more than £5-10 on me for birthday or Christmas from around age 20. My last birthday I got regifted a bubblebath and lip gloss she had received and didn't want. I didn't want it either so it went to the charity shop. I have her a bottle of her favourite wine on her birthday. My grandmother gave me £25 which I wasn't expecting and bought myself a birthday take away. My dp has adult DC and I think he gives them around £100ish each they are mid 20s

TheScenicWay · 01/12/2021 17:57

My mil gives me £50 and my dim gives me nothing. They are both wonderful and kind people and I love them both.

EnglishMuffins · 01/12/2021 17:58

I’m mid 30s and my mum gives around £100-£150 for my birthday. She’s still working and comfortable.

careerchangeperhaps · 01/12/2021 18:02

Surely it's what you can afford and what feels right. As an adult (post uni), my parents probably spent around £30 on my gift - comparable with what my siblings and I would spend on each other and on each parent. They could afford more but I wouldn't expect nor need a 'big' gift like I would as a child / teenager.

Dacquoise · 01/12/2021 18:17

If she is being uneven towards you and your siblings depending on behaviour, it does sound like manipulative behaviour from her. I am NC with my DM because I refused to dance to her tune. My last meeting with her resulted in her stating that if I didn't do as I was told, not to bother. I chose not to bother. Ironically she snatched back a gift she had given me because I didn't deserve it.

You may find the Stately Homes thread in Relationships very helpful in processing your thoughts and feeling about your DM. You are not alone in this. These behaviours are very common in dysfunctional families. Flowers

bluesky45 · 01/12/2021 18:19

I think I get about £100 spent in me. My parents are very generous though. I spend around £30 on adult relatives, that is what we can afford. We spend £100 on our own young children for birthdays and Christmas

Flowerpower23 · 01/12/2021 18:22

My dad And brother both just ask what I would like, I send them a link, they buy it. Usually £100 a piece.

hiredandsqueak · 01/12/2021 18:28

I spend £100 on my adult children's birthdays, I'd spend £15 on my youngest dc's friends.

zighead · 01/12/2021 18:29

For my birthday it's usually a gift of approximately £40 but my parents are very generous at Christmas and it can be a cheque for anything from £100 to a £1000. I assume they do the same for my siblings.

Iamkmackered1979 · 01/12/2021 18:32

I get £50 however I’m 42 I earn my own money
My mum can afford way more but I don’t expect it at all. It’s nice she does. My adult son is 20 he gets the same spent as his 3 younger siblings, he also works and earns his own money.

DragonMovie · 01/12/2021 18:34

My parents give us presents worth approx £50 I’d say, though sometimes less or more depending on what we’d like. They don’t give us cash. They’re retired but well off but also quite frugal without being ungenerous.

Squirrelblanket · 01/12/2021 18:38

My mum spends about £20-25 on me and same on my husband. When my MIL was alive she gave us £25 each for birthdays and Christmas. I don't exchange gifts with my dad.

I spend far more on my mum but it's because I am much more financially comfortable than her. However I wouldn't spend £150 on anyone apart from my husband! (We're childfree.)

Taswama · 01/12/2021 18:47

I don't think I've ever had cash from my mum. She will normally get me some books or a pampering type treat (facial / massage).
I buy similar for her. I'm an adult earning my own money so don't really need much. If she is visiting she will sometimes buy me some flowers, which I really appreciate and if I visit her I will bring flowers too.
I am often surprised by the amount people spend on gifts.

Original poster
Mondaymindy · 01/12/2021 18:54

Dacquoise
I will, thankyou.

OP posts:
3WildOnes · 01/12/2021 18:57

I would find it weird as an adult to receive money for my birthday from my parents. They give me a token gift of flowers, chocolates, wine or champagne and a card.

Wrennie24 · 01/12/2021 19:05

My mum put £5 in a card for me and the same for the grandchildren but she had very little and that was all she could afford. She always wrote a lovely note in the card and now she is no longer here, after dying in her 60's, I treasure those words. I used to buy her nice things for her birthday and Christmas as she couldn't treat herself. I also used to send her money every month for extras even though it sometimes was a bit of a struggle. She was a lovely woman that life wasn't kind to. Why wouldn't I be kind to her?

AD3000 · 01/12/2021 19:16

I give/spend £100 on DC birthdays.

Spoldge45 · 01/12/2021 19:19

My parents give me a cheque for £30 Xmas & Birthday, but they only spend about £15-£20 on my DD who is their only grandchild. Personally I'd prefer it, if they spent less on me & more on my DD, but I can't really change that, they are creatures of habit.

£15 does sound a little low, but its all in context, does she contribute in other ways throughout the year or buy coffee/food etc...if you go out together.

My £60 a year is all I get, but I'm very grateful for it, but many of my adult friends get a few hundred over the year on meals out/clothes for the grandchildren/holiday spending money/help towards big purchases like cars/prams etc..

My parents have never contributed to any of these things, I used to find this bit hurtful when I was younger, but Its made more grateful for the things I do have & really I treasure & look after them well (unlike some of my friends!!) Plus its nice knowing everything I have is because I've worked for it & I don't feel indebted in anyway, so don't beat yourself up...x