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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how much it is usual ro.give your adult daugher fot her birthday.?

189 replies

Mondaymindy · 01/12/2021 16:22

Id just like to guage this...
My dm has just sent me a gift card for £15.
Ive been giving this amount to dc of friends .. but for my own dc b day ( young adult) I

would allocate about £100 to £ 150 so that she could be assured to get something she would enjoy amd invest in and treat herself. Eg speakers.
Have I been getting rhis wrong ? Unless i was struggling, which my dm is most defintley not,i wouldnt send £ 15 to an adult close relative. ..
My family have hinted that i am over spendy at times ? Thoughts please..

OP posts:
jelly79 · 01/12/2021 22:46

My mum gave me £100 gift card for my birthday

I gave my DD19 £400 for hers

Dacquoise · 01/12/2021 22:50

@Naughtynovembertree, it's a form of conditional 'love' and passive aggression. Another favourite is the 'after all I've done for you' line ie you must pay me back with your obedience. I never ever want my own DD to feel obligation to me. I love being generous with her, no expectation of 'return'. Like you say small acts of thoughtfulness are priceless.

CreamFirstThenJamOnTop · 01/12/2021 22:51

My DPs give me £50. DH’s DPs give us £200.

Both are very generous and appreciated.

Hunderland · 01/12/2021 22:53

My mum gave me (lovely) bath stuff for a big ending -in-zero birthday. She was most surprised I'd got some major presents from other people Grin

I will use it and love it and don't mind at all.

MrsSkylerWhite · 01/12/2021 22:55

My mum sends a small gift, a jumper, a book, some nice face cream. Wouldn’t expect £150!

Luredbyapomegranate · 01/12/2021 22:57

Neither of you is unreasonable, it’s just different attitudes. You have to accept other people do things differently..

Monkey987 · 01/12/2021 23:03

My mum would never give her adult children money.
We get a present between £30 and £50. Me and my 3 siblings are aged between 18 and 27.
We are happy with our present and would never dream of moaning about it.
It's sad an adult spends so much time worrying about the value of a present rather than enjoying it.
Having said that my partners ex and daughter get at least £200 from parents or equivalent and would definetely be pissed if they got any less.
Depends on the family and if you've raised your kids to value money.

MadeItOut21 · 01/12/2021 23:06

If my mum stumbles upon sth nice or that she thinks I will really like, she will buy me a birthday gift. But otherwise we stop at birthday wishes and hugs and celebrations. I honestly, hand on heart, as a grown woman, do not expect any presents for my birthday from my parents.

SparklingLime · 01/12/2021 23:08

@DimplesToadfoot

I've never had a mum or dad or family to buy me a card or present in the first place. I've never had a birthday party, the only birthday cakes I've ever had are ones I've bought myself. £15 in a card from a mum, I couldn't knock it tbh
That’s so hard for a kid, @DimplesToadfoot. I hope you’ve had some better birthdays and celebrations since.
Naughtynovembertree · 01/12/2021 23:08

Dacqoise yes!
And we are expected to tell Mil how amazing she is and how grateful we are whilst she openly turns her nose up and what we've given her.
I'd like to say for them now to save their pennies!
It's all sourced from a well known discount store. I feel like saying, I have the membership now you really don't need to stress yourself buying (which then robs her of her martyrdom...

It's horrible.. I've had a damaging background but in a very different way.. I must admit what Mil does has deeply affected me and worries me she will do the same to the dc.
She herself has made unnecessary and untrue comments to dc about different gifts we gave.. Trying to make one seem hard done by

evilharpy · 01/12/2021 23:21

It's reduced over the years, used to be about £50 plus a few gifts, now more likely to be about £20 and a couple of stocking fillers. She's elderly and not able to get out much and doesn't have a lot of money but would give you her last penny and I've tried for years to stop her giving me money at all. This year she gave my husband £10 worth of scratch cards for his birthday and he won £25 and both he and mum were delighted Grin

PILs either give £70 or gifts to about that value to each of their children and children in law which is very generous and appreciated.

Starcup · 01/12/2021 23:33

I got £100 for my 18th then £20 thereafter until she died when I was 21 perspective and be grateful spring to mind

gersteddybears · 01/12/2021 23:34

Yeah that's as strange amount and obviously low. £15 so odd u wld think surely make it £20!

I get £100 cash and gifts maybe to about £50. My parents have a very low income but mum always saves and is very generous to us all. She used to give me £600 plus gifts at Xmas when her and dad were both working full time. She's one of those ppl that doesn't buy herself much and if she does it's in the sale or inexpensive but she treats everyone else.

AliveAndSleeping · 01/12/2021 23:49

@Naughtynovembertree

Alive and sleeping your mum is clearly the opposite to op mums then? Giving children she favours different amounts. As ever op your post wasn't clear
No I don't know if she's the opposite of op's mum. I'm not sure what op's mum's intention are but that's my point. It's impossible to guess from the amount alone. I don't think my mum gives me money when she is feeling particularly affectionate or that when she forgets it means that she's forgotten me. The amount doesn't say anything. If op doesn't have any other issues in their relationship then it doesn't matter how much she gives.
AliveAndSleeping · 01/12/2021 23:52

@Naughtynovembertree

Alive and sleeping your mum is clearly the opposite to op mums then? Giving children she favours different amounts. As ever op your post wasn't clear
Oh Apologies. I didn't see the post where op said that different children get different amounts. You are right then. That's a completely different situation to mine.

Except that my parents don't try to stuff my sibling with money because they think they don't need it. So my sibling never gets anything at all I think.

Mossstitch · 02/12/2021 00:02

Never even had a birthday card off my mother (nor xmas) but has sent me a bit the other way. I give my adult sons £100 for birthdays plus some goodies they like/small tokens & £200 for Xmas plus a bag full of stocking fillers that range from electric blanket, oodies, socks, boxers, nice food, games, alcohol, chocolate...... Love giving them things, sure I get more pleasure out of it than they do😍

GrandTheftWalrus · 02/12/2021 00:09

I get £20 in a card for my birthday. However that was all I got from my parents for my 30th so I was quite disappointed then. And my 31st I got nothing. But since then it's the 20 in a card. I usually buy a nice takeaway from it.

HolidayTime2021 · 02/12/2021 00:14

I give £150 each to mine and their spouses for birthday and £350 each with gifts of about £150 each for Christmas.

Nanoo1234 · 02/12/2021 00:21

Naughtynovembertree why are you.being so rude to op ? Saying that as ever she is unclear ? How demeaning of you.

Nanoo1234 · 02/12/2021 00:24

And no .. posters saying that this is linked to income.. just no the giver has wealth.. its about a family member being rewarded or punished .. via money .. if you read.between the lines.

Mylittlepotofjoy · 02/12/2021 03:29

My parents never gave me money but always gave me lovely thoughtful gifts . I now give my children gifts not money as it seems more thoughtful imo . The cost is totally irrelevant!! You don’t measure love in pounds spent !!!!

liveforsummer · 02/12/2021 07:07

I get £50, I'm 42 and have had a £50
Budget for birthdays and Xmas since I was old enough to talk and request what I wanted, so for around the last 40 years 😆

Naughtynovembertree · 02/12/2021 07:20

@Nanoo1234

Arf.

I'm not being rude to the op, I'm explaining to the op why she's is getting a bad ride from "other" posters on here because she hasn't make the context of her op Clear. Grin

ilovebagpuss · 02/12/2021 07:33

If money is not the issue it sounds as if they have that frugal mentality and just don’t agree with gifting more. Especially if you get the vibe they feel you are more generous and not frugal with money.
Personally I used to get about 50 from my DM and she always made us a cake. Now she is no longer here my DF gives us the same in a card.
15 does seem quite tight really but there is no point dwelling on it you won’t change them. You could start just giving the same in return.

WeAllHaveWings · 02/12/2021 07:39

When an adult child has left home and is financially independent, a token birthday gift amount is absolutely appropriate.

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