DH having major surgery on 22 Dec and MIL has invited herself for Christmas

[QuandryatXmas]

Forgive me but I don't know what to do. It's not the end of the world as who knows what will happen with Covid in the next couple of weeks but I am feeling very anxious about this. Long story short - DH is having major surgery on 22nd December and MIL has decided she's coming to ours on Christmas Eve so she can help cook the Christmas Dinner and will stay until 27th Dec.
WTF - I told her we aren't doing Christmas this year as things will be so uncertain and that I'm going to buy new bed so I can sleep in the spare room so he can recover/recuperate in ours and so there won't be any room for her to stay. 'Don't worry about me' she says 'I can sleep anywhere and I'll bring a camp bed'.
Right, so my dilemma is:

1. Am I being a total bitch in thinking that me & DH will be totally exhausted and will just need a few weeks of adjusting and getting used to him recovering and that we really don't need someone else in our home to worry about.
2. Chill Out - It's his mother FGS. Just let her come round and maybe she could help out.

She is a nice MIL but a bit selfish i.e she'll be on the phone to me and the first 10 minutes will be all about her ailments then she'll ask how her DS is.

She seems to be a bit blase at to how major this is and I don't think for one minute that DH will be up for a Christmas dinner but I may be wrong - I've never had to look after anyone who's had major surgery before.

I've spoken to DH and he's said let her come round on Christmas Day and she can go on Boxing Day but he hasn't told her this yet. I will respect what he says but I don't really want her here at all so AIBU or practical?

Any thoughts would be great to read as I have no idea what the hell to do.

Leave it to your dh and don’t get involved

Do you have kids?

If you do then I’d suck up the annoyance for the sake of the help and a slightly more normal christmas for them.

If it’s just you and DH I’d say thanks but no thanks you’ll both be happier having a quiet one.

As long as she is likely to get on with things and take the pressure of cooking, housework, maybe child care if you have them, rather than act as a guest to be waited on, what's the worst that could happen?

If she'd otherwise be on her own, I can understand that she'd be worried about her son.

Just be completely frank with her about what to expect - and unless it's such a long stay becuase of lack of public transport, cut it back a bit.

I think he needs you to tell her about leaving on boxing day. One night sounds ok. I would be fairly blunt about what you are going to do, or not do, in that time. 'We'll have Christmas another time, I'm keeping it very quiet and easy'. Then do let her help, but keep being very direct. Don't let her chat on and tire DH out and then resent her for it, just tell her it's time to be quiet now and you'll see her in the morning.

How major? If he's out of hospital by Christmas he should able (and will benefit from) being up, at least in a chair, Christmas day.

Is she helpful?

It's difficult to say without knowing what type of surgery - will he be mobile? Will he be able to eat? Is whatever he's being operated on the end of the issue or is there more treatment on the cards?

Having just gone surgery, all I wanted to do for the first couple of days was sleep but after that I was grateful for distractions; albeit as long as I could slob in my dressing gown.

If she's prepared to serve Christmas lunch on a tray, or ditch it altogether for scrambled eggs because that's all he fancies then fine, let her come. OTOH if she's likely to insist that you all dress up for the day and eat 15 courses then politely decline.

I actually don’t think anyone should invite themselves to stay with someone else. I can’t imagine informing my daughter in law I was coming for Xmas when my son was going to be recovering from something.

Conversations should happen-suggestions made, that can be accepted…or declined!

Tell her politely but firmly that you appreciate the offer of help but that having her stay is too much too soon.
It's not about what she wants it is about having the best environment for your husband to recover.
Depending on how close she lives suggest she visits for a few hours if he is strong enough.

No we don't have any kids and she has the option of being with her OH but because he's not that popular with the rest of the family then she doesn't bring him anywhere. So she's decided that she's coming here. Fair enough as it his her son but as I've never had to deal with anyone having had major surgery I don't know what to expect. He's having his prostate removed due to cancer and according to the hospital he'll be out the next day and will need to move about.

Tell her he may be a covid risk to her just coming out of hospital..
Yanbu if she is ignoring your wishes.
No Christmas doesn't mean invite yourself round and force you to have one!

What @Howshouldibehave and @Tricked2003 said. I could never invite myself to someone's house!

She doesn't really seem to be thinking of your DH or you, only what she wants. Has your DH suggested one night to keep the peace or because he actually wants her to come? If he wants her to come one night is a good.compromise, if he's doing it out of guilt/not wanting to rock the boat then what Tricked said is a good approach

Tell her no, stop dithering. Your dh will need rest and looking after. He’s going to be very uncomfortable. Hosting is not an option.

I don't think there's a dilemma. No one has to host if they don't want to. Just tell her firmly that this year you are not having guests.

Aw she sounds incredibly worried about him and wants to be there and hands on help you both. If she's generally pretty good and she's coming on the expectation of doing a lot for you both I think it's OK. If it was my lovely MIL I'd be happy with it, unless you have a big back story and you don't get on with her then I'd just let her crack on.

No - she can’t come. Your DH will be poorly and assuming he comes home in time for Christmas probably won’t feel up to any celebration anyway. Tell her she can come in the New Year if your DH is better.

Completely depends if when she comes it’s useful etc or having her there will be more work. I’d just want to spend it the two of you if it was post cancer surgery, it’s not just the physical but the mental and emotional stuff too.
You ask, you don’t invite yourself.

There's no back story!! I'm just worried sick about him and don't really need the extra worry of someone else in the home. But it is his mum and I think I just need to swallow it up and let her come. If I need to go to bed in the middle of the day, as I can't imagine I'll have much sleep when he gets out of hospital, then she'll just have to watch the TV on her own. To sound selfish, it's just really f*cking inconvenient.

Honestly I would use Covid to my advantage if DH doesn't speak to her and explain he needs a quiet rest time at home with you.

I wouldn’t invite myself in the way she has done, but maybe she is worried about him?

He may well want to spent 20/24 hours a day in bed, and might not want to eat proper meals.

I had a far less serious op this year. All I could do for the first week was snooze in bed, have smoothies and bland pasta, and tbh the pain meds made me a combination of nauseous/constipated that the smell of a roast would have made me sick.

I'd point out to her that you won't be having a Christmas lunch, and that she may end up very bored watching tv by herself most of the time.

Actually when I am unwell I still at the grand age of 50 find my mum being near very comforting and also my big 6 ft son also needs me when he is unwell and I need to be with him . it's a pretty straight forward op . So let her come 🙄

Ok so, a c section counts as major abdominal surgery and I’ve had two of those and was out just over 24hrs after they finished the last one and managing to move around and cuddle my toddler. After the first one, less so- it really does depend what kind of surgery he’s having but you should still be able to have a good Christmas and I was ravenous the next day both times.
As a mum of boys I completely see why she wants to be there, but she needs to be discussing/asking not telling. I think her staying till Boxing Day could be a good compromise, if you get on generally then you might surprise yourself and really enjoy having her there. While your husband naps you can stick on a sappy Christmas romance movie and have some special cocktails - could be fun!

Maybe she’s worried about her son too.

I would just tell her as you have just explained. You are really worried about your DH and want to be able to focus on what's best for him without having to think about anything or anyone else. Thank her for her kind offer of help (try to be sincere 🥴) and tell her you will be happy to see her when things have settled down (don't commit to new year!)

Does he want her there?
If so, i'd buy a load of cook or Charlie Bingham or just frozen pizza or party food and tell her no Christmas Dinner / no mess you don't need the stress.

If not, just say "not today, Satan"