DH having major surgery on 22 Dec and MIL has invited herself for Christmas

[QuandryatXmas]

Forgive me but I don't know what to do. It's not the end of the world as who knows what will happen with Covid in the next couple of weeks but I am feeling very anxious about this. Long story short - DH is having major surgery on 22nd December and MIL has decided she's coming to ours on Christmas Eve so she can help cook the Christmas Dinner and will stay until 27th Dec.
WTF - I told her we aren't doing Christmas this year as things will be so uncertain and that I'm going to buy new bed so I can sleep in the spare room so he can recover/recuperate in ours and so there won't be any room for her to stay. 'Don't worry about me' she says 'I can sleep anywhere and I'll bring a camp bed'.
Right, so my dilemma is:

1. Am I being a total bitch in thinking that me & DH will be totally exhausted and will just need a few weeks of adjusting and getting used to him recovering and that we really don't need someone else in our home to worry about.
2. Chill Out - It's his mother FGS. Just let her come round and maybe she could help out.

She is a nice MIL but a bit selfish i.e she'll be on the phone to me and the first 10 minutes will be all about her ailments then she'll ask how her DS is.

She seems to be a bit blase at to how major this is and I don't think for one minute that DH will be up for a Christmas dinner but I may be wrong - I've never had to look after anyone who's had major surgery before.

I've spoken to DH and he's said let her come round on Christmas Day and she can go on Boxing Day but he hasn't told her this yet. I will respect what he says but I don't really want her here at all so AIBU or practical?

Any thoughts would be great to read as I have no idea what the hell to do.

It's her son, shes worried and wants to be with him, please give her a break.

Also DH slept in the spare room

"Hey MIL we've talked about it some more. Obviously with DH having major surgery and not being well the last thing we need is a guest. We don't have the space or time. Sorry, we hope you have a great Christmas and we'll see you when DH is feeling better."
She's not the priority.

No she doesn't live far away - about 45 mins drive away.

Why on earth does she need to stay over then? Can't she just come over for a few hours at a time during his recovery period?

Yes OP - is there a reason why DMIL can't do a day visit?
You could frame it as would be so nice to see her but you're concerned about overnight arrangements so a day visit would allow MIL to help, but not make anything more complicated from a sleeping arrangements perspective.

I had surgery (day case) a few months ago and could not think of anything worse than my DM staying and hovering about. I didn't want to see anyone and the general anaesthetic gave me terrible insomnia which made me even more emotional and miserable.
Best wishes for your DH's surgery and recovery 💐 I would just suggest going day by day. 45 mins is nothing so really she doesn't need to stay over.

Her son has cancer FFS and is having major surgery, of course she is worried and has a right to be. I cant believe some of the comments on here.

OP i appreciate this is difficult for you but she is his mother. Unless there is a backstory of neglect / abuse or bad relationships etc. i assume as mother and son they have a good relationship so i have no doubt she will be wanting to see her son and help him get back on his feet so to speak. Perhaps agree with your DH that you wont do a 'xmas' this year, and just have something small with the 3 of you.

Also @QuandryatXmas, What does you husband want? You posts are about what you want so what does he want? Does he want her to stay or would he rather just see her on Xmas day?

Her son has cancer FFS and is having major surgery, of course she is worried and has a right to be

Totally agree. But why does she need to stay over when she lives so close?

@QuandryatXmas

Forgive me but I don't know what to do. It's not the end of the world as who knows what will happen with Covid in the next couple of weeks but I am feeling very anxious about this. Long story short - DH is having major surgery on 22nd December and MIL has decided she's coming to ours on Christmas Eve so she can help cook the Christmas Dinner and will stay until 27th Dec. WTF - I told her we aren't doing Christmas this year as things will be so uncertain and that I'm going to buy new bed so I can sleep in the spare room so he can recover/recuperate in ours and so there won't be any room for her to stay. 'Don't worry about me' she says 'I can sleep anywhere and I'll bring a camp bed'. Right, so my dilemma is:

1. Am I being a total bitch in thinking that me & DH will be totally exhausted and will just need a few weeks of adjusting and getting used to him recovering and that we really don't need someone else in our home to worry about.
2. Chill Out - It's his mother FGS. Just let her come round and maybe she could help out.

She is a nice MIL but a bit selfish i.e she'll be on the phone to me and the first 10 minutes will be all about her ailments then she'll ask how her DS is.

She seems to be a bit blase at to how major this is and I don't think for one minute that DH will be up for a Christmas dinner but I may be wrong - I've never had to look after anyone who's had major surgery before.

I've spoken to DH and he's said let her come round on Christmas Day and she can go on Boxing Day but he hasn't told her this yet. I will respect what he says but I don't really want her here at all so AIBU or practical?

Any thoughts would be great to read as I have no idea what the hell to do.

Regardless of the surgery, it's rude to invite yourself and force yourself Upon others. I understand she will be worried about her son so can you not just say you'll keep her updated regularly but that having more people round is going to be too much for your husband?

I'd also be playing the covid card up- it's too dangerous to have people in and out, he needs to be at in as small a bubble as possible.

Can you do Xmas a few weeks later once he can actually enjoy it?

She might be full of good intentions but does anyone's mil ever actually help? If she's like mine then she will be expecting cups of tea and to be entertained- you absolutely don't have the time or energy for that.

Also, main thing is your husband has made it clear what he wants to happen so that should really be the end of the discussion. Can't think of anything worse than having people round when you're feeling horrendous.

This will have the biggest impact on you as you'll inevitably end up running between the two of them and I think you'll have enough on your plate already. Just say no!!!! Firmly but clearly. Good luck to you both, hope surgery and recovery go well

I think the best thing is to tell MIL that it's not possible to plan anything at the moment. After the operation, once you know how he's feeling, you can then make a plan.
It sounds entirely sensible though to plan to self - isolate along with him both before and after the surgery. It's not worth either of you catching covid.

@WB205020 - totally agree with you. I have two sons and no daughters and I despair at some of the posts on MN about MILs from their DILs.

Maybe she actually loves her son and wants to be there for him and you. Cut her some slack, she is his Mother.

@WB205020 I did put in my original post: I've spoken to DH and he's said let her come round on Christmas Day and she can go on Boxing Day but he hasn't told her this yet. I will respect what he says but I don't really want her here at all so AIBU or practical?

So I fully understand that it's his mum and that she's worried about him. My dilemma is that it'll be too much too soon after major surgery so was I being out of order thinking this way and what to do about it. Thanks though!!

I had major surgery last November for cervical cancer and by Christmas I was just able to sit properly, I can't imagine having wanted anyone to stay over Christmas, my hubby was in the spare room and I barely left my bed. I would ask your DH to talk to MIL and thank her but no thank you this year. He will be tired and in pain - all I wanted to do was sleep.

OP,

I think as she is only 45 minutes away she can come and visit when he feels up to it.

I do not feel she has ANY entitlement to TELL you she is coming to stay.

I have no doubt she is worried but still that does not trump what you want in YOUR home.

Be firm here.
You will be in constant contact with her and will let her know how things are going and the minute there is a good time to visit.

Her needs are not primary here.

The very best of luck.

It is okay and perfectly fine for her just to come for a few hours on Christmas Day, this should not be about her or Christmas, but taking care of your poor dh.

The last thing he needs now is a row, call her and invite her for a few hours, she can pop in and spend some time with him. Offer mince pies.

It is 45 minutes! So close to you, no need to stay at all. It is not like you are all drinking and partying is it? She can come and visit for an hour.

I wish I had the time to reply to you all individually as reading all your comments has helped enormously. I send my best wishes to all of you who have got through major surgery and I really appreciate you telling me about your recovery experiences. It's been enlightening and very useful so thank you all very much.

I don’t know if this is helpful OP but my dad is currently undergoing radiotherapy for prostate cancer and in his words it’s been absolutely fine - he just feels a bit tired and actually found the hormone medication prior to the procedure much worse! I appreciate radiotherapy isn’t necessarily on the cards for your DH and you’ve got the surgery to worry about first but just sharing in case this is in any way reassuring.

He needs to talk to his Drs for advice. It is irrelevant how long it takes to recover from other operations, what matters is how long it will take to recover from hos operation. And for many people, they can return to work within a few weeks of this operation. The recovery is very quick.

My husband had urethrral surgery a year ago.

My experience was that the advice from the hospital was very much focused on the benefits of the procedure itself - and also about any associated risks. There was not a lot of advice about the post-surgery period, other than some information about what need to happen in terms of catheters, follow-up appointments etc.

I think this was partly because different people will respond to the same surgery differently.

My husband ultimately made a very good recovery but both of us were unprepared for how tired and week he was in the following days.

He slept a very great deal and only did limited pottering around.I really was shocked by how frail he was when I went to pick him up.

As others have said I would not attempt to plan conventional festivities or to have an overnight guest. A short Xmas visit of an hour or so would seem to be best and even then, I think only confirming this on, say, Christmas Eve would be wise. Alternatively a chat via Zoom/Facetime etc.

@Chasingaftermidnight He only started the hormone tablets 4 days ago and he came home yesterday totally wiped out so that would explain the exhaustion. Best wishes to your dad and thanks for sharing.

I’d say a hard no, you’re week post op and don’t need additional exposure to someone who isn’t essential.

Google enhanced recovery programs, there’s a pre op drink you can buy that reduces recovery times called nutri pre-op. Check if he can have fortisip milkshakes etc post op or if it’s contraindicated in cancer patients. The drinks and shakes are designed to stop you going into a state where you draw on your reserves too much and decline.

Do you know why he has said she can come for one night? I asked last night but I don't think it's clear. If he's doing it because he feels obligated then tell her no, or something a couple of posts ago was perfect (basically we can't make plans now, let's wait & see how he feels at the time), and then say no if he isn't up to it.

My MIL would be like his but DH would definitely not want her hovering about because she would get in a flap and fuss which he'd hate but he'd also find it hard to say no because she'd get upset/offended

Haven’t RTFT but DP’s mum would help without expecting any entertainment etc in return - she’d happily read a book on her own.
If it was someone like that I’d appreciate it

If she's resistant or unable to do a return trip on the same day, you could investigate if there are any cheap hotels nearby. Some of our much loved and wanted Christmas guests are spending 2 nights at a nearby Travel
lodge this Christmas ( covid permitting) as we simply don't have enough space to sleep everyone comfortably, plus it's only £50 for 2 nights.