DH having major surgery on 22 Dec and MIL has invited herself for Christmas

[QuandryatXmas]

Forgive me but I don't know what to do. It's not the end of the world as who knows what will happen with Covid in the next couple of weeks but I am feeling very anxious about this. Long story short - DH is having major surgery on 22nd December and MIL has decided she's coming to ours on Christmas Eve so she can help cook the Christmas Dinner and will stay until 27th Dec.
WTF - I told her we aren't doing Christmas this year as things will be so uncertain and that I'm going to buy new bed so I can sleep in the spare room so he can recover/recuperate in ours and so there won't be any room for her to stay. 'Don't worry about me' she says 'I can sleep anywhere and I'll bring a camp bed'.
Right, so my dilemma is:

1. Am I being a total bitch in thinking that me & DH will be totally exhausted and will just need a few weeks of adjusting and getting used to him recovering and that we really don't need someone else in our home to worry about.
2. Chill Out - It's his mother FGS. Just let her come round and maybe she could help out.

She is a nice MIL but a bit selfish i.e she'll be on the phone to me and the first 10 minutes will be all about her ailments then she'll ask how her DS is.

She seems to be a bit blase at to how major this is and I don't think for one minute that DH will be up for a Christmas dinner but I may be wrong - I've never had to look after anyone who's had major surgery before.

I've spoken to DH and he's said let her come round on Christmas Day and she can go on Boxing Day but he hasn't told her this yet. I will respect what he says but I don't really want her here at all so AIBU or practical?

Any thoughts would be great to read as I have no idea what the hell to do.

My god it’s her son! Maybe she hasn’t done it with the best of tact. But can you even begin to imagine how scared she might be. Maybe she doesn’t show it that well. But I would be deeply surprised if she wants to just come and hang out with you.

This is one of these situations I get myself in. You are perfectly within your rights to say no to people for absolutely no reason at all. I always feel I have to justify everything and actually people say no or cancel on me for things they aren’t justifying. She can’t ‘decide’ she’s staying, it’s your house. It’s his mum though so I’d definitely tell him to tell her she’s under no circumstances staying. If she wants to pop in on Christmas Day at some point fine but you’ve made it clear you aren’t doing a big dinner and if it was my MIL the last thing I’d need is her in the middle of all of that 🤦🏼‍♀️

@Thursdaymiami Great post thank's very much for your understanding.

You've really no idea how the operation will go. My OH came home had blood clot blockage in his bladder had to be readmitted. Just say no. Christmas is cancelled for you this year

Just say no. A hanger on is the last thing anyone needs after a major op, parent or not. He’s got you to look after him and there’s covid to think about too. More people = more risk. No Xmas at yours, or do something the weekend before!

Perhaps you could say to her "Okay, so the plan is that you come on Christmas Eve with your camp bed, although obviously if DH isn't up to it we may have to postpone. We'll keep you in the loop with how he's feeling after the operation, but let's plan to talk on the night of the 23rd to see how things look for your visit.".

That way you sound open to accommodating her but have a get our clause (and have pre-warned her) if it's too much too soon.

I'd be tempted to let her down (gently). Your DH needs time to recover - not just physically, but the emotional recovery too. He probably won't be great company for at least a week. Could you ask her if she can just grant you a week on your own?

When my DH had surgery to remove a tumour he was really shaken up afterwards. It wasn't something he expected, but he had a lot to process afterwards and wasn't really ready for "company".

OP, have you never dealt with your DH having surgery before, or had surgery yourself? “Major surgery” usually means affecting vital organs, spending some weeks in the hospital, perhaps even a chance the person might not survive. I say this because if he’s coming home the next day, it’s not usually considered major surgery (except c-sections because for some bizarre reason misogyny any other abdominal surgery the same size and depth as a c-section they do NOT send you home next day). I had my thymus removed (a gland in the middle of your chest between your breasts). I had to spend one night in ICU; they wanted to keep me a second night but I insisted on coming home. And that was in my CHEST. And it was only two nights. Trust me, if it’s a robotic prostatectomy (which hopefully it is?) he’ll be sore but NOTHING like you having to sleep in another bed, or not being able to eat on Christmas (though he might not want full Christmas dinner, true). He might initially complain more about soreness from the anesthesia (it can make your shoulders very sore and give you a sore stomach).

Do you maybe have some health anxiety? I know “cancer” is such a terrifying word, for good reason, but when caught early, a prostatectomy is a VERY safe surgery and prostate cancer is, I think, the most survivable cancer (I can’t remember 100%, but I’m pretty sure).

As for his mother (and his entire recovery), maybe talk to your DH. I imagine he wants you in bed with him, not in the other room; I know I want my DH with me when I don’t feel well. And maybe there’s a compromise, like calling his DM after he gets home from his surgery and sees how he feels. If at that point he says, “no, I really don’t feel well enough to see her,” you can tell her the door’s locked. If, on the other hand, he does want to see her, then follow his lead. And just don’t worry about the stress for now.

Let her come, and do NOT be afraid to say, "Be a dear, would you, and sort out lunch while I see to DH!"

@Karmakamelion

Actually when I am unwell I still at the grand age of 50 find my mum being near very comforting and also my big 6 ft son also needs me when he is unwell and I need to be with him . it's a pretty straight forward op . So let her come 🙄

This I can remember being a child and my dad needing/wanting his mum when he had a operation. Then when I was older and my dad was diagnosed with cancer first place he went was to his mum he still had my mum their us their but he just needed his mum.

I'd let her come, under the circumstances, and appreciate the support. It wouldn't be on if he weren't unwell, though.

If dh has said he's happy for her to come for 1 night then let her. It's his operation and his decision. She is probably just as worried as you are about him and wants to help

My husband had major surgery a year ago and we were told he had to self isolate for 2 weeks to avoid catching covid post op. Is this still the case? If not, perhaps you could say it is anyway.
You will probably be exhausted and at the end of your tether. Those first few weeks were really hard for us. My husband was up and mobile but he was in absolute agony so more like the odd shuffle around etc and did need some help getting about. He was also very down and shaken by the whole thing which was unlike him (his was an emergency operation so the whole thing had been a big shock to us both, which didn’t help). Both my husband and I felt quite vulnerable and emotional about things initially and as much as I love my MIL, neither of us would’ve wanted anyone else staying in the house at that time. Caring for someone is difficult, even short term and your husband will be vulnerable too, please put yourselves above MIL’s feelings in this case.

@SudokuWillNotSaveYou you have no idea about major surgery. It's not that dramatic. Removal of a gallbladder is classed as major surgery but is usually a day case. Worked in theatres for many years.

OP is he having a TURP or total prostatectomy? We don't do the latter at my Trust but for turp he'd only be in one night to irrigate his bladder post procedure.

Hasn't he been given brochures or even links to videos about the operation and expected recovery? Is it a davinci robotic, open or laparoscopic prostatectomy?

I assume he will be coming home with a catheter in place? Is he happy to be walking around at home with a leg bag insitu and his mother there? Do you have an en-suite/own bathroom he can use that won't be shared with his mother?

I agree with DH- that coming for a day/one night is a better option, but it really depends on his recovery. I'd prefer the idea of seeing how things go post-op, rather than something set in stone now- and letting this be very clear! Restrictions might change everything anyways!

@DaveMinion He's having RALP - Robotic-assisted laparoscopic prostatectomyand radiotherapy afterwards. He's just started on Bicalutamide hormone tablets to try and stop the production of testosterone to halt the spread. He's been told by his surgeon that the operation will be 4 hours long and that he will have swelling in his brain and head so it sounds pretty dramatic to me.

I'd say no! Red flag is that she is selfish and talks about her ailments. Not what you need in this sitch!

Thing is you don't know how he will feel after. I had a 5hr op and spent about 3 weeks after alternating sleeping and watching an episode of Buffy. After one episode I was wiped and back asleep again!
He might be fine, he might need more rest. Depends if she's the type of person to help out but I wouldn't be planning a full Christmas

@sarah13xx

This is one of these situations I get myself in. You are perfectly within your rights to say no to people for absolutely no reason at all. I always feel I have to justify everything and actually people say no or cancel on me for things they aren’t justifying. She can’t ‘decide’ she’s staying, it’s your house. It’s his mum though so I’d definitely tell him to tell her she’s under no circumstances staying. If she wants to pop in on Christmas Day at some point fine but you’ve made it clear you aren’t doing a big dinner and if it was my MIL the last thing I’d need is her in the middle of all of that 🤦🏼‍♀️

this. you need to say no, OP. all the best to both of you. you are a couple. you need to be alone in the intimacy of your own space. no visitors. no extras. you don't need to seek for excuses. she has no right to your home. just. say. no.

Go with your husband's plan of having her there for a short time- Xmas day or whatever.

IDK about swelling in his brain and head, doesn't seem likely as they aren't going near there, are they? He could have a little swelling in the head of his penis, maybe that's what they said.

Maybe they told him a list of all the potential complications- that can be scary but some of them like brain/head swelling (if that is one) I imagine is pretty rare, not that I know anything about it.

I'm not saying it's not serious or anything like that. x

It depends on what sort of person she is.

Is she the kind of person who will sit quietly with you, pour a couple of glasses of wine and bring chocolate? Or will she witter on about her own ailments, get you to make her endless cups of tea and suddenly decide she's too upset to make Christmas dinner after all.
I don't underestimate how hard this has been for you.

@me4real He'll be tilted at a 45 degree angle with his head facing down so swelling to the brain and head will happen. Sounds awful - I wish the surgeon hadn't mentioned it.

Ah goodness. You have every right to feel the way you do.
However it's her son and she needs to know he's OK.
Prostrate removal he will be out the next day and pretty good by Xmas day.

Leave it to your DP to deal with.
If she does come just let her do everything.