DH having major surgery on 22 Dec and MIL has invited herself for Christmas

[QuandryatXmas]

Forgive me but I don't know what to do. It's not the end of the world as who knows what will happen with Covid in the next couple of weeks but I am feeling very anxious about this. Long story short - DH is having major surgery on 22nd December and MIL has decided she's coming to ours on Christmas Eve so she can help cook the Christmas Dinner and will stay until 27th Dec.
WTF - I told her we aren't doing Christmas this year as things will be so uncertain and that I'm going to buy new bed so I can sleep in the spare room so he can recover/recuperate in ours and so there won't be any room for her to stay. 'Don't worry about me' she says 'I can sleep anywhere and I'll bring a camp bed'.
Right, so my dilemma is:

1. Am I being a total bitch in thinking that me & DH will be totally exhausted and will just need a few weeks of adjusting and getting used to him recovering and that we really don't need someone else in our home to worry about.
2. Chill Out - It's his mother FGS. Just let her come round and maybe she could help out.

She is a nice MIL but a bit selfish i.e she'll be on the phone to me and the first 10 minutes will be all about her ailments then she'll ask how her DS is.

She seems to be a bit blase at to how major this is and I don't think for one minute that DH will be up for a Christmas dinner but I may be wrong - I've never had to look after anyone who's had major surgery before.

I've spoken to DH and he's said let her come round on Christmas Day and she can go on Boxing Day but he hasn't told her this yet. I will respect what he says but I don't really want her here at all so AIBU or practical?

Any thoughts would be great to read as I have no idea what the hell to do.

Me and DH stayed with my DM after I had surgery. The drugs made me a miserable grumpy bitch and it was much better for my relationship to boss my DM around with demands to fetch me things, help with my blood thinning injections and medications etc and just general demands. It’s an emotional time for all of you, she’s there to help and you can always ask her to leave or give you a bit more space if it isn’t working out. I wouldn’t turn down the offer before you’ve tried it. I’m sure my DH didn’t love hanging out with my DM but he was actually really grateful.

OP sorry but I too think you are over worrying about what he is going to be like after this operation. Cant people return to work a few weeks after that operation?

@QuandryatXmas

There's no back story!! I'm just worried sick about him and don't really need the extra worry of someone else in the home. But it is his mum and I think I just need to swallow it up and let her come. If I need to go to bed in the middle of the day, as I can't imagine I'll have much sleep when he gets out of hospital, then she'll just have to watch the TV on her own. To sound selfish, it's just really f*cking inconvenient.

Otoh if you need to sleep in the middle of the day, she can keep an eye on DH and help out.

There is no reason for you not to sleep. Unless it is your own anxiety that will keep you awake?

OP you might be his wife but he is her son and he has cancer. As long as she doesn’t have form for being a major fuckwomble then I’d let her stay. Ask her to sort out a camp bed in the living room (can she sleep on the sofa?) or can you set up another bed for yourself in with him if you don’t want to share.

This is not the time to be cresting extra work for OP.

She should just visit, not stay.

As someone who has had surgery, people visiting is often more tiring. If they are staying you can sleep while they cook etc. But if someone is visiting you feel like you have to interact with them.

Okay… I’m a nurse. I don’t think he will want Mum and Christmas drama, tbh. He’s going to need silence and rest.

@Justilou1 to recover from this specific operation? Because people can be back at work within a few weeks.

[quote julieca]@Justilou1 to recover from this specific operation? Because people can be back at work within a few weeks.[/quote]
That's irrelevant though. Have you ever had a major OP? You feel absolutely drained and vulnerable after. I would not have wanted anyone around me but my husband after I had mine and I certainly wouldn't have wanted the pressure of having to get downstairs for Christmas dinner.

If MIL must come, surely she can bring over a tray of lasagne for dinner on the 24th, stay for a couple of hours and then go home. There is no need for her to come over for days.

Oh sweetheart, I’m not surprised you’re a nervous wreck, it sounds like you’ve both been going through an awful time. Could it be his mother wants to be with you because she’s worried about him but is if the “ don’t show emotion” generation? Also as it’s a prostate operation she might feel she can’t talk about that.
Perhaps say you’d find it really helpful if she could arrive Christmas Day morning, you can update her with a call the evening before. That way she’s there 2 nights with you, but you can keep it quite low key. You might actually be glad of the company.
I hope the op and treatments go well.

Absolutely not! I'm usually an odp who works robotic surgeries. Yes it's less invasive but it's not a small procedure. It's usually longer under anaesthetic because of the minimally invasive technique so he'll feel tired for longer. He needs to be up and about quickly after the procedure but its more pottering around making a cup of tea making sure he's not getting a dvt not entertaining family!

Look it's quite simple, just message her and tell her it's not convenient for you and sorry but she cannot come. I don't mean to be rude or harsh but it's really that simple, put your big girl pants and tell her no, she can't come.

If he has had major surgery he will probably be advised by the hospital to isolate for a fortnight afterwards just to be safe. My mum's fried has had a new knee during Covid & was advised because there is a higher risk of infection.

@julieca, there is a huge difference between how you feel post-surgery a few days later and a few weeks later. Most inflammation is still developing up to 3-4 days post surgery. Along with that, during this time, all the anaesthetic medication is wearing off. The pain increases and so does the patient’s awareness. The most pain a patient will be feeling is usually days 3-5 post-op. I don’t think either he or OP will be up to dealing with what sounds like an intrusive and self-involved (paraphrasing here, @QuandryatXmas) MIL at this time, especially one with an agenda of taking over the kitchen to produce a Christmas feast that neither of them want. (Ready meals are the way to go IMO, @QuandryatXmas.) xxx

Christmas lunch should definitely be ready-meal based.

DH needs to be the one to tell her firmly that she is welcome ro come on Christmas Day for lunch if she can drive herself to you, and stay sober enough to drive herself home in the evening because it isn't fair or appropriate for her ro stay overnight. If she can't do the driving then no she can't come but it has to come from him (and not relaying "@QuandryatXmas* feels that" or blaming you).

*NB the pain meds he is on will be incompatible with alcohol so he at least will have to have a teetotal Christmas. This may be helpful aa if you insist that you and MIL need to not drink either in solidarity then that's one possible reason for an overnight stay eliminated.

She's trying to be helpful and kind, she's just misunderstanding the impact that her proposed plan will have. DH needs to tell her that you both understand and appreciate that her wish to stay is intended only kindly and lovingly but that both you and he just so not want any guest whatsoever, even her, until he is more recovered.

Could you actually invite her for some more distant date of your choice, to big up as an 'official late Christmas" where you can welcome her getting more involved in the kitchen (if you can bear the idea) - she might accept the minimal Christmas if the substitute plan is already in the diary for February.

I don't think either of you is being realistic about the post op period.

You are catastrophising, and your anxiety won't do you or your H any good. You will be no help to your H if you go without sleep or wear yourself out with worry. If you can't bring all of this worrying to a screeching halt by yourself, see your doctor.

Your MIL is probably not really seeing what a pita she would be and how little you or H are going to want to eat a Christmas dinner.

You both need to breathe. Please try to educate yourself about your H's post op needs. You could start a thread in Chat to see if anyone could give you some pointers.

Someone needs to tell MIL she's welcome for Christmas Day and Boxing Day, that there will be no Christmas dinner or food prep whatsoever, and if she wants to be helpful she should bring some nice homemade soup, and bread.

Depending on the Omicron variant, it's entirely possible that your H's operation could be canceled or delayed, or he could be sent home under strict orders to isolate.

I had the same - MIL moved in for a month to look after her son. I was working full time mind you.
I don't see the issue - it's her son and was nice for him to have his mother, too.

How about having an early Christmas dinner either at home or at a restaurant? That way you can say that you had Christmas dinner with her but can also explain that you won't be having Christmas dinner on the actual day as he won't be well enough. That may be a better compromise for you, if you are up to it.

If you had DC it would probably be OK as she could help look after them and distract them and also they would still have a Christmas day of sorts as you haven't it is probably a bad idea and a quiet time with just the two of you would be best.

I've spoken to DH and he's said let her come round on Christmas Day and she can go on Boxing Day but he hasn't told her this yet. I will respect what he says but I don't really want her here at all so AIBU or practical?

If it's only a 45 minute drive and she has an OH, why does she need to stay at all at such a difficult time? (And lest we forget, Covid.) Tell her it would be wonderfully helpful if she brought and made Christmas lunch (and then went home)!

My DF had the same op recently and he did want to sleep in a separate bed for a few nights afterwards. We set up a bed downstairs so he didn't have to tackle stairs for a few days.

He also had a catheter in for a few days after coming home so was learning to deal with that and was quite self conscious. It depends on his (and your) relationship with his dm but I can well understand why you wouldn't want an overnight visitor to be dealing with.

He's doing really well now (fingers crossed) so try to stay positive op, I know it's such a worrying time. Best wishes for a speedy recovery

Why dont you just talk to her? (If she's normally a reasonable person). Explain you wont be hosting anything and will probably just want a quiet christmas as you dont know how well he'll be? If she wants to stay that's fine but your priority will be on his recovery. Then you've covered all bases. Although it is entirely possible she just wants to help and wont give a flying if you nap, wander around in jamas etc. But if you've warned her in advance there can't be any comeback hopefully.

Tell her she can come and stay the night but it would be great if she could bring food and cook as you're not planning a meal unless it's eggs on toast.
She could be helpful!?

I think you should stand firm. As a cancer patient, he has a very weak immune system and will be very vulnerable after surgery.

She's probably just trying to offer help and is clearly very worried about him, but possibly hasn't fully thought this through. I think you could legitimately create a 'bubble' of just the two of you to protect everyone. Your DH may not be feeling up to saying no to her, so you may have to deliver the message yourself in the most matter of fact way to avoid upsetting her